Mother's Day

If she was alive, I'd call her and tell her that I love her. I would tell her that I'm with her and I understand. I would try not to be judgmental, I would try to be patient. I would try to be compassionate. I would tell her that she is not alone and things can work out. But I can't call her. There's no phone number there where she is, no Internet access. She is nowhere and everywhere. But she is. In me. Every day.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

The World Around Me

Every day before I go to sleep I thank the God (whatever the God is) and the Universe for being here. I do the same in the morning when I wake up unless I'm terribly late for work, which luckily doesn't happen that often. So before and after regressing in the realm of unconscious I try to be grateful for everything and everyone I have a privilege to meet in my life. To truly meet a person is a privilege. To be let in another human being's life is a privilege. To be in a friendship is an honor. I'm grateful for privileges and honors in my life. I'm grateful that I am and I'm grateful that the world and people around me are.

In Canada. Intro.

I haven't been writing this blog for ages. I stopped in Cambodia. I got burnt out and didn't know what to write about when there was for sure thousands of things to write about. I just couldn't pull myself together and write, WHICH HOPEFULLY WILL CHANGE NOW.
My Canadian adventure starts in July 2011 when I met David who visited Poland and saw me in Warsaw. We fell in love and thought that it will be a good idea for us to be in the same place and see how we will work when living together. I landed in Canada in early October to come back to Poland few days later tragic and sad circumstances.
My friends and close ones know that past months have been very difficult for me and my family. I would like to thank everybody for being with us when saying good bye to my Mom. The pain is still there but I know that people think about us and pray for us, and have good memories of us when we are all together. Thank you people as without you I wouldn't be able to make it through initial months and even now, as the mourning hasn't finish yet for me.
I came back to Toronto in early November. I came back to live in 420 Palmerston Blvd where our house is located and where I made my home for ongoing months.
David's family accepted me immediately as a member of their family and have been looking after me ever since. Thank you David, Shirley, Susan, Fred, Doris, Hilde... it all wouldn't be possible for me without your support. I appreciate every moment spent here even if some of them haven't been happy. You've made me feel at home here, which is just amazing and makes me feel a very special person. I might not stay in Toronto  but all of you will stay with me forever deep, deep in my memories and in my heart. You give me hope and courage that the future holds a good hand for me, I just have to wait to be dealt the cards.

The Fall and Winter passed. I worked in a terrible bar about which I really don't want to remember. The Spring brought me a new job but a breakup with David. Life has proven a bit more complicated than we both thought.

I'm staying here until I can though. Toronto in Spring and in Summer is absolutely amazing and I want to show you people and places here that I love. I will show you how beautiful it is here. I'm so lucky I can be here.

My Teaching

I have always thought that teaching children isn't really for me. At the same time I've always known that I won't get away without having this experience especially planning to stay in the teaching industry and pursuing a sort of academic career in the EFL field. If I want ever become a director of studies or techer trainer I need to have at least some experience with the little ones.
So the opportunity came along and three months ago I've started working with Cambodian kindergarten students. Mr Long who employed me was kind enough to give me a week to observe more experienced teacher to minimalise the shock and give me some time to make a final decision. It's very common that people think they can teach children but once they are left in a classroom with thirty kids it turns out that things get out of hand and it's more complicated than it seems.
I had my doubts. First of all, I had no experience with children whatsoever. I don't have younger siblings, I am the youngest one. Yes, my brothers have children but having lived away I rarely had time to hang out with them and if I did it usually was for a limited time when they were on their best behavior. So that really doesn't count as an experience.  Secondly, I didn't know anything about children's developmnet, what to expect from them... what to demand and so on. Finally, deciding to tech children I had to get out from my comfort zone of instructing adults who I am quite good with. I was really apprehensive and basically couldn't sleep few nights before and after I'd started delivering my own lessons.
After the first day, I was knackered. I was so tired as if I'd just run the marathon and that was only four hours of teaching. Or trying to teach, I should say because first weeks were to survive really.
 I was tired and still not sure if I could do it but decided not to give up regardless the snot, tears and noise.
I'd say that it took us a good month to get to know each other. It took me forever to remember thirty strange sounding names, which I sometimes still confuse or forget, to my despair.
We aren't there yet though. I still have some problems with the discipline in the classroom but  I also know that there's only so much I can do with thirty-odd creepy-crawly who are not always in the mood to cooperate. On the top of that, the class is of mixed ages and abilities so my students range from three to five years old. Some of them are very independent and sharp, and some are not there yet and need lots of assistance and attention. Unfortunately there's only so much time I can give each of the students and I'm really trying not to miss any of them. Difficult.
I should add that I'm not an English teacher only. I teach maths and science as well. And basically what I'll teach them now, they will take with them to school, which the fact makes me even more apprehensive. I feel responsible for them. I would like them to finish kindergarten and go to school equipped with the whole spectrum of skills and information. I'm on the mission :-)

Because of these kids I've decided to stay in Cambodia longer. I had planned to go to Bangkok in May. I was offered a job in one of the schools in the Thai capital and tempting as it may be, I have decided to postpone it in time. It's taken me too long to get to know these kids and school, and it takes a long time for kids to get to know a teacher. So I can't leave just after three months. I'll stay with them until July then, which makes more sense.
After all Bangkok doesn't go anywhere and people there will have a place for me there in October. Yey!!! All pieces have come together.

At my 'old' school - Western International things are doing very well. We are trying to change things there so that the school becomes a player on the market again. The place had been neglected academically for a long time and with the new management we are trying to set up some standard so that students/parents will trust the place again. It's all happening now but we have first results - more enrollments, more satisfied clients so that's very good. I hope that soon we'll hire a new CELTA qualified teacher so that will make two of us. The CELTA course is not an ultimate recipe for good teaching but it certainly gives valuable knowledge and equips a new-qualified teacher with set of very useful tools. It's also sort of guarantee that such a new teacher has been taught how to give lessons in the communicative way, which I wan't to see more and more in our classes at Western. Khmer teachers often use more teacher-centered approach and are skeptical about letting students go and experimenting with the language, which I believe is the most effective way of teaching and learning the language. I do really hope that within the time and with support from me and Steve, my academic supervisor in Bangkok, we'll be able to get teachers to change their routines and teach English in a modern way.
It's really good, professionally. I'm learning new things every day. I feel that I'm developing and that I'm supported in this development by my managers and supervisors. They trust my common sense and experience, which is really nice and which is building up my teaching confidence.

Haapy Anniversary Ania!!!

It has been ten years almost to the date when I departured on the longest trip of my life - the adulthood trip. I turned 18 and with a bit of the help of a tricky cupid I packed my things and left my old life behind.
Not that it was a bad life, one could say. I was in a good school, I had friends around me. At that time of my life I  was lost and needed somebody to fall back on. Beware what you are asking for because you might get it. I was asking for setting me free. I felt empty and unhappy, and prayed every day to be in a different place. Be careful what you are pryaing for as your prayers might be listened.
It happened unexpectedly - just like true love should happen, or at least that's what we tend to believe in. Unexpected and true love, an arrow of a cupid speared my heart and suddenly everything was clear, the world simple and I knew that this one will be forever. At 18 I didn't know that forever is a long time and that forever doesn't necessarily has to happen. But this I was to learn much later.
It was late February when I packed up and left. I didn't even say goodbye to my school friends. I left. It wasn't a pleasant journey. The road was terrible, I remember. We got stucked somehere for hours as if something was trying to stop me but didn't manage. It was decided. I was gone. I was gone, I finally had my life, had my love, had everything I needed.
Few months later I was sitting on the curb in Grodzisk Mazowiecki thinking what should I do with my life. Everything was gone: my dreams, my love, my dignity, my trust and belief that it all was worth something. I was 18 and already divorced. Not really but the process of breaking up with R. wasn't pleasant at all: packing things from the place that was supposed to be my home... Lots of tears, words that should never been said, things that should never been done, things that I regret and I am ashamed of. Things that under normal circumstances I would never do, or at least that's what I'd like to think.
I was afraid. I was terrified. I couldn't understand what had gone wrong and how all these things had happened. I couldn't go back home, I couldn't return to my school. I had to start everything from the beginning and I didn't know how. I felt guilty, I felt ashamed and afraid that I won't survive.
Somehow, I have survived. And this is something I'd like to congratulate myself for today. I have survived the biggest storm in my life so far. What is more, today I'm in the place that I've chosen myself. Cambodia gives me an opportunity to distance myself from the past and look into the future. Today I'd like to say goodbye to all these traumatic memories. This chapter is finished, closed. It should have been closed many years ago. It's done and I feel it so well today. Goodbye bad memories.Welcome to new quality!

Happy Anniversary Ania!
I love you.

One moment

We tend to take things and people for granted. I do anyway, sometimes. Though I try to remeber that I'm here only for a given time, it's difficult to remind myslef all the time about the fact that time has been working against me. We will all die. That's the fact of life. It's only a given time that we are here. That's why I think it's worth to look around and think about what is going on around us, where in life we are, what kind of relationships with people we have and change things we don't like. Especially when it comes to people: family and friends.

I have my issues with the family. Big issues which are to personal to be discussed here. I used to be angry at them, I used to hate them and tried to run away from them. I'm still angry at times, I must admit but not as intensly now. I guess when I've started understanding more about life things become less extreme - life isn't black and white only, and people are only people even if these people are parents and suppose to be perfect. But perfect they are not. And they are just people, sometimes lost, confused and struggling with life. Yes, they should be supportive and yes they should be there for us. And whatever I can say about my parents, no matter how angry I can be at tham I can say that they are trying to be supporive - sometimes in a way that I don't agree with but still.  I have this cofidence that regardless anything they are there for me. We've been through difficult times and beautiful days as well and we are the family. And it's not that I'm paiting a pretty picture here now being so many miles away from them... it's the fact that I love them and would do anything for my parents, brothers, a niece and nephews, and sisters-in-law. I hope they know how much I love them.

And friends. My friends from Poland and other places. I'm glad that I've met each of you. There are friendships which survived, there are those which didn't but I believe that I've met each and single person for the reason. I just want you to know that I think of you here in Asia and I miss you all loads. I wouldn't be here without your support. I hope that I won't fail you and I hope you'll be proud of me one day. I respect and admire so many of you for your strenght, stubborness, motivation, friendliness, openheartedness and many, many others. That was one particular day that it struck me: my birthday this year. We all sat at the table and I looked around and thought that it's a real treasure to have people like you around me. Thank you a lot.

I'm writing all this after the events in Phnom Penh. More than 300 people died: they were friends, they were members of families. More than 300 of the people who went to a concert never came back from it. How sad it is that in a moment you can loose everything. So lte's not take things and people for granted. Let's try to tell those who we care for that we care and love them. And not tomorrowbut now, today... because there isn't a guarantee that there'll be tomorrow.

 

Every moment is good to change everything

It's time to decide what's really is important in life. I want to believe that I'm in a point that such decisions should be made. Don't want to be a teenager forever and I think that to certain extand that's what's been happening for a while. I decided tame my teenager in me, not to say goodbye alltogether as I love this crazy girl but... she needs to abdicate and give a way to a woman - a clever, strong, self-aware woman who I am but tend to forget about it.

Every moment is good to change everything.
And I need this change.

I want to be a better person for myslef because I deserve good things. A long way ahead of me but I'm worth it. And this is a change itself that I can finally say: I deserve good things from other people and from myslef. I should be my best friend.

I've come down a long way. I'm ready for the new to come.