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27.05.2012

False Identity

There are many levels of my experience here. One of them is a job.
I came here expecting in a way that in an English speaking country I will have some problems with finding a job as an ESL teacher as there are herds of English teacher roaming around the city. I gave it a go and I left my resume in many places around. No response. Nada. Depressing since I know that I'm a good teacher with loads of experience. Depressing since I love teaching. Nobody wants me here. My CELTA, which I was so proud of,  is not enough. My experience means nothing. I'm supposed to pay 2000 dollars to get my Canadian qualifications. I don't have 2000 dollars. Depressing. Conclusion: I'm not enough. Of course. It's all my fault - I'm not enough. I'm not enough and what is more I don't know who I am any more.
Then I start working in this terrible Greek tavern where I am verbally abused by drunk customers, paid under the minimum wage, I'm shouted at by the owner... Life sucks. 
This job situation made me think how tricky it is to build identity on a career. I was a confident English teacher working in Cambodia with a prospect to have a great job opportunity in Bangkok. In Summer 2011 I felt like the whole world belongs to me based on my job, I dare to think. I got recognized, I got appreciated. I thought I knew where I was going. But then... It was enough to take this away from me and what happened was that I didn't know who I was any more. I wasn't a quite successful English teacher any more. I didn't know who I was. Then I started to think that it is indeed very illusive to build identity on the outside world phenomena. I am inside not outside. No matter what happens the core should be there. I should be the same person whether a teacher or janitor because unexpected happens and I might be forced to do odd things in my life whether ambitious, grand or not they should not influence the core, the I. And the truth is that I can do whatever job if that's what is needed in a situation. I doesn't matter in a short run. I have to think about my career but if there's a twist in it, this twist shouldn't undermine my perception of myself as a capable, knowledgeable human being.
So I'm working on the core now to strengthen it  for the future so that next time I don't feel so terribly disappointed with myself when I have to do a job for a period of time which is not exactly my career. 

26.05.2012

See, Feel, Hear

I've been having moments of being shocked at the beauty of the world around me.
I will now stop and look into the sky, look around me and SEE. See the world, people, trees, the sun. I will close my eyes take a deep breath and FEEL the air passing through my nose - something I wouldn't even think of before. I will feel how this air goes into your lungs. Feel how my chest fills with this air. And when walking I will feel my steps. I will feel how my feet touch the ground, HEAR my steps, feel my comfortable (or not) shoes. I will see things I have seen before but through a different eyes. It's all new. Every day. Maybe the same but every day different. There's no repetition even in the most repetitive  act, I have learnt.
It all comes to being here and now. Not tomorrow or yesterday. Here and now with all my Aniasness.

 

Mother's Day

If she was alive, I'd call her and tell her that I love her. I would tell her that I'm with her and I understand. I would try not to be judgmental, I would try to be patient. I would try to be compassionate. I would tell her that she is not alone and things can work out. But I can't call her. There's no phone number there where she is, no Internet access. She is nowhere and everywhere. But she is. In me. Every day.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

24.05.2012

The World Around Me

Every day before I go to sleep I thank the God (whatever the God is) and the Universe for being here. I do the same in the morning when I wake up unless I'm terribly late for work, which luckily doesn't happen that often. So before and after regressing in the realm of unconscious I try to be grateful for everything and everyone I have a privilege to meet in my life. To truly meet a person is a privilege. To be let in another human being's life is a privilege. To be in a friendship is an honor. I'm grateful for privileges and honors in my life. I'm grateful that I am and I'm grateful that the world and people around me are.

15.05.2012

In Canada. Intro.

I haven't been writing this blog for ages. I stopped in Cambodia. I got burnt out and didn't know what to write about when there was for sure thousands of things to write about. I just couldn't pull myself together and write, WHICH HOPEFULLY WILL CHANGE NOW.
My Canadian adventure starts in July 2011 when I met David who visited Poland and saw me in Warsaw. We fell in love and thought that it will be a good idea for us to be in the same place and see how we will work when living together. I landed in Canada in early October to come back to Poland few days later tragic and sad circumstances.
My friends and close ones know that past months have been very difficult for me and my family. I would like to thank everybody for being with us when saying good bye to my Mom. The pain is still there but I know that people think about us and pray for us, and have good memories of us when we are all together. Thank you people as without you I wouldn't be able to make it through initial months and even now, as the mourning hasn't finish yet for me.
I came back to Toronto in early November. I came back to live in 420 Palmerston Blvd where our house is located and where I made my home for ongoing months.
David's family accepted me immediately as a member of their family and have been looking after me ever since. Thank you David, Shirley, Susan, Fred, Doris, Hilde... it all wouldn't be possible for me without your support. I appreciate every moment spent here even if some of them haven't been happy. You've made me feel at home here, which is just amazing and makes me feel a very special person. I might not stay in Toronto  but all of you will stay with me forever deep, deep in my memories and in my heart. You give me hope and courage that the future holds a good hand for me, I just have to wait to be dealt the cards.

The Fall and Winter passed. I worked in a terrible bar about which I really don't want to remember. The Spring brought me a new job but a breakup with David. Life has proven a bit more complicated than we both thought.

I'm staying here until I can though. Toronto in Spring and in Summer is absolutely amazing and I want to show you people and places here that I love. I will show you how beautiful it is here. I'm so lucky I can be here.




30.03.2011

My Teaching

I have always thought that teaching children isn't really for me. At the same time I've always known that I won't get away without having this experience especially planning to stay in the teaching industry and pursuing a sort of academic career in the EFL field. If I want ever become a director of studies or techer trainer I need to have at least some experience with the little ones.
So the opportunity came along and three months ago I've started working with Cambodian kindergarten students. Mr Long who employed me was kind enough to give me a week to observe more experienced teacher to minimalise the shock and give me some time to make a final decision. It's very common that people think they can teach children but once they are left in a classroom with thirty kids it turns out that things get out of hand and it's more complicated than it seems.
I had my doubts. First of all, I had no experience with children whatsoever. I don't have younger siblings, I am the youngest one. Yes, my brothers have children but having lived away I rarely had time to hang out with them and if I did it usually was for a limited time when they were on their best behavior. So that really doesn't count as an experience.  Secondly, I didn't know anything about children's developmnet, what to expect from them... what to demand and so on. Finally, deciding to tech children I had to get out from my comfort zone of instructing adults who I am quite good with. I was really apprehensive and basically couldn't sleep few nights before and after I'd started delivering my own lessons.
After the first day, I was knackered. I was so tired as if I'd just run the marathon and that was only four hours of teaching. Or trying to teach, I should say because first weeks were to survive really.
 I was tired and still not sure if I could do it but decided not to give up regardless the snot, tears and noise.
I'd say that it took us a good month to get to know each other. It took me forever to remember thirty strange sounding names, which I sometimes still confuse or forget, to my despair.
We aren't there yet though. I still have some problems with the discipline in the classroom but  I also know that there's only so much I can do with thirty-odd creepy-crawly who are not always in the mood to cooperate. On the top of that, the class is of mixed ages and abilities so my students range from three to five years old. Some of them are very independent and sharp, and some are not there yet and need lots of assistance and attention. Unfortunately there's only so much time I can give each of the students and I'm really trying not to miss any of them. Difficult.
I should add that I'm not an English teacher only. I teach maths and science as well. And basically what I'll teach them now, they will take with them to school, which the fact makes me even more apprehensive. I feel responsible for them. I would like them to finish kindergarten and go to school equipped with the whole spectrum of skills and information. I'm on the mission :-)

Because of these kids I've decided to stay in Cambodia longer. I had planned to go to Bangkok in May. I was offered a job in one of the schools in the Thai capital and tempting as it may be, I have decided to postpone it in time. It's taken me too long to get to know these kids and school, and it takes a long time for kids to get to know a teacher. So I can't leave just after three months. I'll stay with them until July then, which makes more sense.
After all Bangkok doesn't go anywhere and people there will have a place for me there in October. Yey!!! All pieces have come together.

At my 'old' school - Western International things are doing very well. We are trying to change things there so that the school becomes a player on the market again. The place had been neglected academically for a long time and with the new management we are trying to set up some standard so that students/parents will trust the place again. It's all happening now but we have first results - more enrollments, more satisfied clients so that's very good. I hope that soon we'll hire a new CELTA qualified teacher so that will make two of us. The CELTA course is not an ultimate recipe for good teaching but it certainly gives valuable knowledge and equips a new-qualified teacher with set of very useful tools. It's also sort of guarantee that such a new teacher has been taught how to give lessons in the communicative way, which I wan't to see more and more in our classes at Western. Khmer teachers often use more teacher-centered approach and are skeptical about letting students go and experimenting with the language, which I believe is the most effective way of teaching and learning the language. I do really hope that within the time and with support from me and Steve, my academic supervisor in Bangkok, we'll be able to get teachers to change their routines and teach English in a modern way.
It's really good, professionally. I'm learning new things every day. I feel that I'm developing and that I'm supported in this development by my managers and supervisors. They trust my common sense and experience, which is really nice and which is building up my teaching confidence.

27.02.2011

Haapy Anniversary Ania!!!

It has been ten years almost to the date when I departured on the longest trip of my life - the adulthood trip. I turned 18 and with a bit of the help of a tricky cupid I packed my things and left my old life behind.
Not that it was a bad life, one could say. I was in a good school, I had friends around me. At that time of my life I  was lost and needed somebody to fall back on. Beware what you are asking for because you might get it. I was asking for setting me free. I felt empty and unhappy, and prayed every day to be in a different place. Be careful what you are pryaing for as your prayers might be listened.
It happened unexpectedly - just like true love should happen, or at least that's what we tend to believe in. Unexpected and true love, an arrow of a cupid speared my heart and suddenly everything was clear, the world simple and I knew that this one will be forever. At 18 I didn't know that forever is a long time and that forever doesn't necessarily has to happen. But this I was to learn much later.
It was late February when I packed up and left. I didn't even say goodbye to my school friends. I left. It wasn't a pleasant journey. The road was terrible, I remember. We got stucked somehere for hours as if something was trying to stop me but didn't manage. It was decided. I was gone. I was gone, I finally had my life, had my love, had everything I needed.
Few months later I was sitting on the curb in Grodzisk Mazowiecki thinking what should I do with my life. Everything was gone: my dreams, my love, my dignity, my trust and belief that it all was worth something. I was 18 and already divorced. Not really but the process of breaking up with R. wasn't pleasant at all: packing things from the place that was supposed to be my home... Lots of tears, words that should never been said, things that should never been done, things that I regret and I am ashamed of. Things that under normal circumstances I would never do, or at least that's what I'd like to think.
I was afraid. I was terrified. I couldn't understand what had gone wrong and how all these things had happened. I couldn't go back home, I couldn't return to my school. I had to start everything from the beginning and I didn't know how. I felt guilty, I felt ashamed and afraid that I won't survive.
Somehow, I have survived. And this is something I'd like to congratulate myself for today. I have survived the biggest storm in my life so far. What is more, today I'm in the place that I've chosen myself. Cambodia gives me an opportunity to distance myself from the past and look into the future. Today I'd like to say goodbye to all these traumatic memories. This chapter is finished, closed. It should have been closed many years ago. It's done and I feel it so well today. Goodbye bad memories.Welcome to new quality!

Happy Anniversary Ania!
I love you.