Back From Holiday in Siem Reap

I have just come back from Siem Reap in Cambodia where I spent last two weeks. I left quite a bit of my life teaching English in this Cambodian town ,the gateaway to the temples of Angkor, and every time I go back it's a sentimental journey. For last six months I had been fantasizing about going back but I couldn't because of the Thai working visa processes and so I had been  taken hostage by Thai bureaucrats since I arrived , and I just couldn't wait to break free. Finally, two weeks ago, I got my work permit (I'm a legal alien now). Two days later I got on a mini van and my  holiday started.

People go to Siem Reap to see Angkor Wat, to have a cruise on the Tonlesap Lake, to visit Kulen Mountain and usually leave after few days. I didn't do any of these things this time. I was solely interested in catching up with the friends who are still living in the town, eating food, resting at the pool and indulging guiltlessly in the sun with a colourful alcoholic beverage in my hand. And in this I succeeded.

Siem Reap is an interesting place when it comes to the expat population. People from all over the world come and settle down here. Some of them start businesses: restaurants, hotels, guesthouses, many of them work for NGOs and local schools. There is also a small population of those who professionally do nothing but enjoy the sun and the slow paced life. On a small area one can meet people from all over the world though I have a feeling that the place has been traditionally colonized (wink, wink) by the French and the English. I know also some Americans, Italians, Canadians and Russians, Australians but not as many. As for the Polish, I think, though I might be wrong, that I was the only expat from Poland at that time. I'm wondering if there's anybody from Poland living in SR now. I would say that though small, Siem Reap is quite cosmopolitan, as much as a town like this can be anyway.

I thought that being in Siem Reap will be like going back in time. Same places, same people. Same same - old good and known. And yes in a way it is. The town has changed but for me it's still Siem Reap and I know what to expect from it: nagging from tuk-tuk drivers, endless offers of massage, streets full of food and souvenirs - regular stuff. This hasn't changed. But it's not all this that makes Siem Reap such an important place to me. It's people and their lives which have changed in many ways over the years. Businesses have got closed or expanded, friendships have fallen apart, new marriages have been concluded, some have dissolved. Children who I remember in their diapers have grown. Some of our friends have left us forever. Some people have decided to leave Siem Reap and go back home or settle down somewhere else. There's this lovely English couple who have lived in the town for many years now and who literally adopted me when I first came to Cambodia. I consider them my Cambodian family: they never turned their backs on me; they have always been willing to help me when in need. Lovely people, fantastic friends to many expats in the town. Annie and Dennis are also moving away. This is a huge loss for the community and for me - going back to SR will never be the same knowing that they won't be there. A great loss for the SR community but I cross my fingers that they will be ridiculously happy where they are heading.

I left Siem Reap this morning a bit sad. I will miss the mayhem of the town, the quizzes hosted by Curt at the Warehouse and the monthly quiz at the Rosy's. Guest house which regularly gathers friends around a charity quiz table.  I'm just now missing a karaoke event which I know is great... I will be missing bumping onto people I know, which in Bangkok is impossible even if I knew much more people than I do because BKK is such a sprawled monster of a city. I’m leaving my SR community happy that I have seen people in good shape and health and with hope that those who struggle with anything will find their ways. I wish you all the best and looking forward to seeing you again.

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Airports

I love airports. When I go to an airport it's a promise that I'm going somewhere. Probably somewhere exciting. A promise of the new. I'm carrying my bag or suitcase happy and excited, except on those occasions when I want to stay but I can't for this or other reason (I will never forgive you, Canada). I love airports. Check in. Is my life I'm carrying too heavy? Will I have to leave even more behind? Passport, lagguage tag. My earthly possessions disappearing on the conveyor and from now on their own trip in the belly of the plane. I love airports. The security procedures and grumpy officers who will  never smile and want me to believe that the success of my trip depends on their permission to leave. Take off your jacket, take off your shoes, belt, socks, and what not.  Empty the pockets, please leave the lighter.  Quick, quick. Coins, keys, computer, Ipod, Ipad, Iphone. I’ll phone when I land, on the other side. Socks. Beeep. Step aside. Off you go. Duty free. I’m duty free, tax free, on the land that belongs to nobody. Unbearably light. I love airports. Delayed flights, hours spent sleeping on  hard benches. Paperback books. The Economist. People watching. Shops with too expensive souvenirs, ugly postcards... thimbles, which She will never receive. I love airports. Nervous people, praying Jews, screaming children. Last calls. I love you too. I will see you soon, or never again. The plane is ready to board, please prepare your boarding cards and passports. Boarded. Find a seat. Fasten your seatbelt. The emergency procedure is in front of me, the airport is behind. The point of departure, the new one is ahead. Engines on, taxiing, taking off... I have left another one I love behind.

After Suicide

This is a message to anybody who has lost somebody to suicide, who is mourining after the death of a close relative and would like to know how to go about the process. This message is also for those who  know somebody who is struggling at the moment after the suicide in the family and would like to help to relief the pain but don't know how.

I experienced this after suicide darkness first hand in my closest family not that long time ago. I know what it's like to be faced with something that is bigger than anything else you have encountered in life. I know what it means to feel guilty and go through what ifs and whys. I know the pain and the struggle with them. I know and I understand. I know the fear. The fear about your own sanity, I know the fear of being judged and rejected by the society. The topic of suicide isn't often discussed in open and more often than not, people are left alone with their pains and broken hearts.

I don't claim that I have answers to all questions but I certainly have some suggestions about how to get helped and how to go through the time in your life that seems like the world's worst hell.

What is even more important, I have a message for everybody. A good and a positive message: YOU CAN GO BACK TO LIFE AFTER SUCH A LOSS.  Losing a family member or a close friend to suicide doesn't mean the world has come to the end and your life has stopped. It means that you have stayed and have a choice of either fall into despair or fight for yourself. From day one, I have chosen to fight and I'm still chosing it. I knew that I have to face this monster and tame it. Because you CAN!!!

I know how important it is to have understanding people around when going through the process of mourning, especially after a suicidal, unexpected, vilolent death. The death which is different from other deaths. Your family can be of help, but they are mourning themselves and healing their woudns so it's better to look for a conversation among people who have already done some mourning work and who can relate.  It is crucial to meet/connect with such people so that  you don't feel alone and isolated. Certainly it's difficult to talk about it but you will have to. After a while you will realize that you are not isolated and there are  MANY people out there who have been through a similar patch in life and who have survived and are doing well.Even for a second don't allow yourself to think you are alone in your pain. We, the Survivors, are with you. I am with you.

The pain stays forever but you can learn how to live with it and how to live to the fullest. It is entirely up to you and how you will approach the problem. I have decided to fight for myself!

If you need to talk about your loss and would like to know what to do to get better or if you know somebody who is struggilng at the moment, tell them to write to me. I will share my story and I will try to help.

My email address is: camboadventure@gmail.com

Joel Osteen

A very good friend of mine, a very important person in my life now told me about Joel Osteen three days ago. I had never heard of the man. I opened a Youtube link and started watching. And I watched three minutes and in these three minutes I formulated some strong opinions about Joel Osteen. Negative ones. I saw this large congregation od thousands of people listening to this minister who looked like taken out from the cover of Success magazine, a business person rather than a pastor. And these thounsands of people gathered: I thought, these masses who need somebody to tell them what to do. I listened more: the preaching of success, with God involed in it. Yes, you can! God loves you! Blah, blah, blah... I thought. And I didn't like the seeing the Bible and all this talk about Jesus and how he's there to save me, and help me, and do everything for me if I only will admit that he is my Lord. Ohhhh, maybe in next life will I do that, I thought. And then I thought that for sure Joel Osteen doesn't preach for free and surely he must be earning quite a penny running this church business and I wanted to convince myslef that he cannot be genuine in his ceremons. All these thoughts appeared in the duration of three to five minutes. I found a documentary about the Lakewood church in whci h they criticize Osteen and his teachings and I thought I was ready to tell my good freind: yes, yes... all good with this Joel guy but this, but that and this is not good, that is not good. I was ready to be smart, smart in my own eyes.

Today something changed. First of all I remembered what I did when the time was really rough last year - I prayed. A lot actally. And maybe I didn't pray to Jesus but nevertheless I prayed to something bigger than me and sked for it's help. I used words god, I remember and I also recall that my prayers gave me relief. I pray to an unnamed god, Osteen prays to Jesus. Effectively we both do the same. I thought: actually I don't care who is his god because that's not important at all. The important message is what Osteen says.

When it comes to his looks - yes, he has a big Hollywood smile. What's wrong with that?  His suits are  probably exopensive but his shopping decisions are none of my business after all. His wife is blond and looks like a doll but that also should not bother me. And that he makes money out of his church, which I don't know if is true, well, a man has to live. None of my business. My only business is to decide if I'm taking what he says and what I'll do with it.


If someone is interested here is a link to a very good cermon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gpka0r75HNo

From 365 Tao Daily Meditations by Deng Ming-Dao

Usually when I read these daily meditations I open the book on a random page. Today I've chosen to check the meditation for the 5th of December. It's simple, it's beautiful and so true.

"Learning is the fountain of youth.
No matter how old you are, you mustn't stop growing.

Don't think that creativity is only for artists, writers, and musicians. Creativity is essential element for everyone. Unlike the outer-directed creativity of making art, solving problems, or writing, the creativity that everyone can engage in is learning.

As long as we continue to learn, welcome new ideas and ways of doing things, and continually expand our understanding of ourselves and the world around us, then we are engaging in the ultimate creativity of the self.

If one looks carefully of those seniors who are ongoing and vital participant of life, one will see that a common habit is continuous learning and interest. These seniors are not the same as they were in their youth. They have found new ways of learning and acting.

As we enter each new phase of our lives, the parameters change. If we are sixty, we cannot do the same activities that we did as teenagers. Therefore, we need to revamp ourselves according to our situation. That continuing act of creativity keeps us young".

Any comments?

Lessons in Self-Love

'You have to love yourself', she said. Oh my God!, I thought and rolled my eyes. We were sitting in Starbucks on College and Euclid. I have just met Abbey. Abbey is a therapist. It was our first meeting. I expected something more than a person telling me to love myself. I cringed. I cringed and I was swallowing my tears at the same time so desolate and desperate I felt. Desperate for a change and directions that I would do everything and anything to stop feeling the way I felt. I wanted to solve problems, I wanted work on things, I wanted a formula for a good relationship with a male human being and there she was telling me that all I had  to do was to establish loving and carrying relationship with MYSELF. The rest would follow, she suggested.

This is what I have learnt about self-love:

1. It's looking after myself physically and mentally.

2. It's being gentle with myself.

3. It's making sure that I tells the truth which belongs to me without the fear of being rejected.

4. It's being aware of my capacities and limitations. 

5. It's a constant dialogue with myself and checking where I am with myself and other humans.

6. It's making sure that I take the ownership of my life. 

7. It has nothing to do with being arrogant and self-centred.

8. It's nothing to do with sacrificing  myself in order to make others happy.

9. It's allowing myself to be. 

10. It's a path, it's a challenge, it's a process. It's hard work.

When talking to a friend few days ago I said that I feel I have finally realized that there won't be anyone to rescue me and that I am the only person who can really influence my life. I am the engine. S. said that it seems to him that everybody really carries this fantasy of a savior or a good god-mother equipped with an array of magic spells to help us out. A normal human thing. We concluded that indeed we don't get saved by anyone but we do get and meet people on our way who help us out. People who we encounter to teach us something when we are ready to receive a lesson. (If we are not ready the lesson will come back to us again and again, and again. In the next life as well, won't it, Shirley?) 

And so I met women and a Man who gave me examples of how to love oneself and live by this principle.

Back to Asia 2012

It didn't happen without my strong objections. I wanted to stay. Even my creepy landlord wanted to help me by marrying me or marrying me off to his friend Harry. I was told: Ania, sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Sometimes you even have to do things you won't normally do. Hmmm, not even tempting but thank you, Jack. I might have considered his offer if I were in desperation and running away from some sort of terrible oppression. But wait, then Canada would accept me no problem.

Then it was work. They tried to help but before hiring a foreigner in Canada an employer has to prove there's no citizen/preeminent resident to fill the position. I am not a neuroscientist, any scientist, I have no money on a bank account. I'm not a skilled worker too: I can't plumb, I can't lay bricks, I don't know how to wire houses. I ain't no asset for the Canadian economy. Not yet, at least.

But I am an asset in Asia.

So here I am back in Asia.
Back in Bangkok.
Another circle in my life.

I came on Monday, which I thought was on Sunday. And so Steve waited for me at the airport on Sunday morning when at that time I was still in Abu Dhabi. I really got confused with the time zones plus it didn't cross my mind that it is possible to travel for two days. I mean with the time changes.Whatever it was I was late. A day late.

And then I arrived in Bangkok.
Here I am, back in Asia.