Something Positive

We landed over three months ago and it wasn't a soft landing - the dates got confused and after 17 hours in the air, we needed to wait another 4 at the airport in Marseille. I wanted to scream and kick and not get on that plane at all. But I did and I waited. And we eventually met.

It was the beginning of May.The weather wasn't too bad but it wasn't spectacular either. Nothing was really spectacular at that time.

We spent over a week in a mobile home on the camping. It was cold, it was uncomfortable. I missed my Bangkok apartment already. On top of that all it turned out that Belgentier is kind of in the middle of nowhere and I was stuck. No driving license here means that I am cut off the civilization and depended on Olivier who didn't have time to drive me around which drove me crazy. There was a lot of shouting and crying. There were another reasons for that but maybe next time about that.

The camping needed a lot of work before the season. I was with Helena and tried to find my way around here. I was very lonely and left to my own devices and the focus was on business and not on us. It wasn't a nice beginning.  I didn't write anything here because I didn't want to complain too much.  I did face to face to my family and friends but I kept wishing that I will be able to write something positive and happy one day. Before that I decided to remain silet.

In June we opened the camping and things have taken a very positive turn! We worked very well together. After the first busy night - me behind the bar and on the floor and Olivier in the kitchen. Surprise, surprise! We are a good team and we like working together.

From then on everything changed and we are happy, simply happy. We enjoy each other and our company. We are able to laugh with each other and at each other. We still argue and have different opinions but it feels like we reached a different level in our relationship. It feels like we are finally a family. I love my family and I am happy. I am happy to see Olivier happy, I'm happy to see Helena happy and I'm happy that I feel like I wouldn't like to be anywhere else. Even in India.

I'm soon going to Poland to take a driving license course and hopefully I will pass it. The life will be changed for all of us then. I will be free to leave the camping whenever I want and take care of my own affair. I will be able to help Olivier with the chores... all will be different. On top of everything, one of my dreams will come true. I will drive a car. Me, a woman. I will have my own car too. Me.

It hasn't been easy this season. I struggled on many levels: I changed places, I've been tied to one place, I spoke French without knowing sometimes what I was saying.... but I survived and more than that... I feel like it was worth every effort.

I am proud of our work. We did a great job here in the camping. We were able to fill it up - 350 people were with us at one point. We will close the gate soon and we will begin preparation for the next season at work. I hope we will continue this positive period in our relationship and the family life. I am sure. I know that this is what we both want.

So then this is it: a positive post that I have been waiting for for such a long time. 

Back to Europe

I left Poland in 2007. It was a beautiful day in July. My backpack was packed, my head was filled with dreams. I'd wanted to go so, so much and finally I was! I was going backpacking. I was going to Asia. I was running away, though I didn't call  it this at that time.

It was in the morning that I my dad took me to the train station. I said good-bye to my family the day before - we had a lovely get together at the back yard. The last person to see me off was my Mom. She was so worried! She was so worried that her only daughter, her apple in the eye will get hurt. She was worried that something will happen to me. She was scared that I will never come back. She was right. I never did.But she knew. She knew that she had to let me go and that it was my journey. It was painful for her but she never had tried to stop me. She never had argued my decision. She let me choose.

We were saying those good-byes at the steps of my family house. She hugged me tight and whispered into my ear: 'Good luck, and you know, Ania, deep deep inside I envy you. Go and do something I never could do." We both cried. My mom's dream was that I came back. I never did.

My term in Asia is coming to end now. I'm going back to Europe and soon as well.

After months of debating what to do and how to make things work between the three of us, we decided to settle down in France, on the Cote d'Azure, in Provence. We are going to try to make this family work, though it's going to be a lot of work considering the history behind us. I am trying to leave the past in the past but I also remember about what happened to me and how I was treated. I want to remember about that so  it never happens again and if it does, I know what to do. I want my daughter to be raised by a happy mother - something that I have been able to achieve by myself here in Bangkok. I want my daughter to be raised by a father who sees her on regular basis and not from time to time, on a computer screen, the father who will be able to give her the energy I will never be able to. I want a partner who will support me and take care of me so that I can support and take care of him. I think we have some potential but I'm also realistic. 

In less than two weeks Helena, Olivier and I will start a new chapter in our lives back in Europe. 

 

 

Dad

There  were times when we didn't speak longer so thirty days should not be so unnerving or scary. It always seemed that I could call you... you would not pick up or on a lucky day you would... Maybe I would wait till a voice message to hear your voice and then disconnect, maybe we would talk. The 'always' changed into 'never' - a void, a gaping void. 'Never' that is 'never'. We say 'never' without even realizing its full meaning  - this is a real 'never' - when the other body is cold and when the heart stops. 

Last night I was thinking about your last seconds. Was it dark? Were you scared? Did you regret anything? Or did you just go... I hope so. What is it like to die? I only can tell what is it like when something dies inside a living person. It's happened to me twice already. My eyes are burning from tears. I even don't know who is crying: Ania or Ania? A small one or an adult one, or maybe both? And who will consol them? The 'never' is 'never', and I have to live. But how to live when something has died. 

It's a month tomorrow. I think about you a lot.

I think about you each time I look at Helena who will never meet you. Yes, it was my choice not to bring her to you before it was too late. I wanted to protect her and myself but now I'm not sure. I'm sure of one that it makes me sad, very sad that she will never know my father the way I knew him form when I was little.

I miss you both so, so, so much.

I will sit with this sadness and embrace it and try to make peace with it or it will eat me alive. I need to live.

I'm off to sleep. 

I was tempted to call to see if I can hear your voicemail yet this one more time. The last time. But I'm too scared to do that. Tears might burn my face completely.

Rest in Peace. You are free. 

 

 

Back in Thailand

I'm back in Thailand.

Mostly I'm fine. I have an awareness that my dad had left us many years before the final departure. I know it but difficult feeling keep coming anyway. Sadness, anger, guilt, relief. All mixed up. I'm not fighting with any of them- rather I'm sitting of them and listening t the internal dialogue I'm having with myself. Sometimes I'm nice to myself and able to console myself, on other occasions, I hear the voice of a ruthless critic accusing me of neglecting my both parents. I keep telling myself that time will heal me: time and understanding where these voices come from.

I'm back home.

I'm back to my Little Girl who had the most wonderful holiday by the sea with her Father. I never had any doubts that Olivier would be a great father... it broke my heart that he decided not to be one to our child. That, however, is done. It's in the past and he is truly a very good Dad. I could go abroad and leave Helena knowing that she will  be wonderfully looked after. And she was. I came back to a girl madly in love with her Papa. "Papa" the way she says the word melts the hearts. She wakes up in the morning and looks around in search for her "Papa". She keeps repeating it till she remembers that Papa is not with us any more in body. We speak on Skype every day, and oh how happy Helena is to see her Papa.

Her Papa... He is the first man she knows. She will observe him and learn from him about the world and about how a man treats a woman. I  hope the standard will be very high. Higher than mine for many years. I told my own Father so many times that he was the model and how huge responsibility it was but he... My biggest wish is that Helena's dad will be her rock, her hero and her safe island, that he will be her Dad, the one that I had but then lost to alcohol.

I remember I was a princess, I was. I was important, I was his Little Girl but then he betrayed me and chose something else. And no matter how hard I tried and how hard we all tried, he left and left me heartbroken. It tool a very, very long time for this Little Girl to find confidence again that she is lovable and that she deserves better.

I'm so happy to be back home. I was so happy to see Olivier! Things are changing and for better. I recognize the man I fell in love again. He is there and he is back. It's not always easy between the two of us: I'm no angel and I know my mess drives him crazy and his bossiness sometimes drives me up the wall but we are trying to find a way to each other and it feels very good.

I'm back.
I need  to process, settle down and make some important decisions for this year and for the future life. No matter what - no matter how dramatic or sad things are happening, life is going on - nothing stops and nothing waits. Lots of work to do.

Goodbye

Goodbye Dad,

Thank you for giving me life and teaching me a valuable lesson on how dangerous it is to play around with addictions.

I'm sure that you are in a better place and that your suffering her, and you did suffer a lot, cam to an end. 

I wish I could have helped you but you didn't want to be helped on other than your terms and your terms we could not accept. 

It's so sad to think that I will never see you again. My thoughts travel home which now is empty but I still feel your presence. I still feel like you are there. 

But you are not and only a building has left.  Our home. A guardian of the story and many secrets. 

I am still here, though.

I am still alive and I promise myself today that I will learn as much as I can from you death, that  I will do my homework and live. I want to live. I want to live and be happy no matter what.

I want to fly.

You know that I loved you. I loved you so, so much. And I only wanted one thing from you - that you stopped drinking and that you chose us. 

But you chose otherwise and I still loved you. I understand you didn't know how to live.... only you know the truth. Only you know the pain you carried, the disappointments you experienced and hopes that died in you. Only you know... You chose not to tell me or my brothers. You chose to drown in alcohol.

I choose to live. 

I chose to live a long time and ago and that's why I had to run away from you. I suffer consequences of my choices every day of be being so far away from my family. I suffer but I also know deeply inside my heart that it was my only option to run away in order to survive and live.

Live, live, live!

I wish it was different but since it's not I will play with the cards that life is dealing me. They are not the easiest cards but the game goes on and I will not give up and play the best I can though the rules of the game change without my consent. I will play nevertheless because if I stop I will die.

I want to live.

I had to pause now and have a look at my own life. The time of some changes has come, changes that will improve the quality of my existence and my work. It hasn't been the best six months of my life but the time has come to stop making a victim of myself and start working on solutions.Thank you, Dad, for making me pause. Too bad you couldn't help me figure out things otherwise.

I have no parents any more.

Goodbye Dad.

I'm sure you are in a better place.

 

Sea of Sadness

I've been waiting for this message for many years.

It came today and hit me like a speeding truck. I can't move. I barely can move.

I'm on the island. I'm surrounded by a beautiful warm sea.

I'm on the island. I'm surrounded by a darkness and the sea of sadness.

You are dead.
I will never see you again.
I will never hear your voice again.
I will never hear your lies again.
I will never call you again and be disappionted that you didn't answer.

I tried to call you last night. Were you dead then? Or were you looking the darkness in the eye when I was calling you?

I will never have a dad again.

I will have a broken heart for the rest of my life.

You have no idea how much I loved you. I loved you so much, Dad. I loved you so so so much.

I lovee your voice, your strong hairy hadns. I loved your scrambled eggs with bacon that I hoped you will make one day for me and Helena again.

I loved you so much...

I lost you.
We lost you because I also have brothers, sisters-in-law and nephews and nieces. We all loved you.

We all wanted you. We wanted you. You.

I will miss you so much.
I will pack my bags and come home to say good bye to you...

Goodbye, Dad.

I hope your torment has finished and you are in peace.

I love you and always will.

December

December is here.

This Christmas time Allegro commercial made me cry real tears. The tears of a huge loss and sadness. Cast: an elderly gentelman whose son lives abroad and who one day embarks on a difficult journey of learning a foreign language to be able to communicate with his grand-daughter who speaks English. For three minutes the audience watches the gentelman posting notes around the house or reciting 'to be' while riding the tram. In a bath he threatens a rubber duck with a profane line from a movie and in a public transport he accidentally confesses love to another passenger.

And then the day comes: he packs his bags and flies to meet his family.

There he is, on the doorsteps. There she is too, a little girls. He gets on his knees and introduces himself to her in English: 'Hi, I'm your grandpa'.

I'm sobbing by then.

I see Helena and my dad that will never happen.

I see an elderly man who made an effort - that will never happen for us.

I see everything we've lost as a family in recent years and much beyond that.

I put my head on my desk and I keep sobbing, my tears can't stop falling.

How I miss him!

How I've lost him!

How he's lot us!!!

I don't know how he is. Whenever I call - there is no answer and even when he answers he pretends that all is good. I've stopped investigating. I know he drinks... at this point it doesn't really matter any more how long for: a week, a month, three moths... He is digging his own grave to which he will take a part of each of us. I send him a Christmas card and wished him a Maerry Xmas but I know it's not going to be a happy time for him - so sick and so gone... far away in the ocean of alcohol. I wish he knew how much I love him and ho scared I am that I will never see him again. I wish he knew how scared I am to see him at the same time. I wish he was able to understand how it all hurts all of us and how the only thing we ever wanted from him was to be sober.

December is here.