Getting ready!

Like a prisoner I'm counting the days.  Six more! Six more, two flights and hopefully we will arrive in Paris safely and not too perplexed. 

Few last weeks were hard. The work, Helena and my own life balance have been hard to maintain and the only thing that I really felt most of the time was that I need to sleep. Most of the time I felt that I needed to sleep and if I finally were able to sleep, I think I would not wake up for a month. Very low energy. Many times I felt that there was nothing there to give: not to myself, not to Helena, not to my students... I would do things but without a spark. I would do things but without really having any fun from doing them. I'm feeling a bit better and the trip on the horizon makes me feel even more hopeful.

I was debating myself if I should go home this holiday. My dad isn't well. He is so deep in his addiction that he doesn't see anything any more. He only wants his bottle that lets him forget about everybody and everything, that lets him slowly kill himself. My heart breaks on this thought. I remember the man he used to be and now I'm so scared to see him destroyed and defeated. I haven't seen him in ages. He never skypes me. He rarely receives any phone calls. He cuts himself off. He is lonely and alcohol fills the void. I feel sorry for him and I wish I could do something for him. I wish I could go there and talk to him and he would listen and get better but too many times I've been disappointed. Too many times he lied to me for me to believe that this time it would be otherwise. I would love to see my brothers and my whole family but I need to recharge my own batteries as well. I've been feeling week myself these days and I need a safe place where I can rest. In Poland I won't get it. I would come back to Bangkok more tired and sad if I went home. Home is not my safe place. It hasn't been for a long time already. 

So we are going to France only. Perhaps we can spend Christmas in Poland but that will depend on many things.

We will spend a wonderful time together and we will meet Helena's family who seems lovely. They are so looking forward to meeting her! I couldn't be happier for her. At least this much I can do for her and take her to them. 

My communication with Olivier is very limited. Actually we don't talk to each other at all and if we do, we exchange information about Helena and even this is very short. I guess we don't have anything to say to each other any more and none of us wants to pretend that we are friends.

I'm so looking forward next week! 

J-23

In twenty three days we are going to France to meet Helena's family. I cannot wait. Not only it will be a well-deserved holiday for me but most of all it'll be a great opportunity to connect Helena with Olivier's relatives. The seem to be very nice people. They call us every week and make sure that they keep in touch with Helena. They love her and I can feel that. She is so much looked forward to be met. I'm so happy! We will spend 14 days in France: 10 with Olivier's mom and 4 in Paris. 

This time the trip to Paris will be soooo much different. 

I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to going back to the place where I've opened a new chapter of my life. I will take Helena for a walk and show her all the meaningful places including Rue D'Aix - I'm sure. I will have a look into that window. I will take Helena to the Eiffel Tower and to the Chapms Elysees.  I might even sing a song. I will have a baguette and hot chocolate. I will go to a restaurant where I spend a lot of time thinking. I will have a coffee on a terrace and I will enjoy. I will enjoy these moments with my Little Girl, with my Petite Parisiene. Oh, we will have a great time!!!

I'm feeling better in my head today. Better than last Friday when I really ran out of energy. 

Some consolation I found in going on a date! Yeah! I went on a date on Saturday. I'd been planing this for a long time but something had always come in a way - usually lack of money really. This time, however, I thought that I need to go out to people or I would go nuts. And so I'd been talking to this gentleman for a while and we decided that it was a good idea to have some fun. And we did. And it was very nice. 

Helena stayed at home with the nanny and was very brave about it. Even she thought, I think, that it was time. I can't be so isolated from the rest of the world and having a little baby does this to one - isolate.

It was a bit unnerving but went good. Very good indeed. I had a great time which taught me that maybe, perhaps, despite the fact that I am a mom, maybe there will be still someone for me. Not this one but this one reminded me that I still can be attractive to a man, that even though I'm not the easiest to date, it still can be done when organized properly. So yay!!! 

I met Helena on Sunday with new energy! I missed her but I was happy to be away for some time and I was happy to be back. Balance. 

The Pill

I was supposed to take a pill to start shrinking of my uterus at 10 pm. I was alone in my hotel room, the most depressing hotel in the whole city: damp and cold, in a room of a size of a matchbox. The 4th floor. Beneath me - Paris, the city of love. Inside me - emptiness, sadness and despair. How ironic!

The day before I went to the hospital again to take whatever documents they had for me. Asked about my plans, I said that I didn't know. I was assured that it was ok to change their mind. The nurse just asked me to give them a call. I never did. 

The pill was in an envelope. I opened an envelope and put the medicine on my palm, and stared at it. No answers were written on it. Nothing. My head was spinning from tiredness and from being eight weeks pregnant. 10 o'clock was approaching quickly. The next day I was scheduled to go the the doctor, have a quick procedure, stay in Paris for few more days for a follow up visit and then jump the plane and forget about the whole issue. I started at the pill. I couldn't do it. I could not do it. There must have been somebody with me in this room to force this pill down my throat... I could not do it myself. The pill ended up in the toilet. I watched it disappearing down the drain... That was the beginning. That was when Helena was decided to be.  

"Did you take the pill?", he demanded.

"No, I didn't." 

 Seven months later I gave a birth to  little Helena.

Back to Paris

When I went to Paris in December, I was in love and felt on top of the world. I felt loved and appreciated, and thought that the man I am about to visit is the one I will share some part of my life. I was on cloud nine: in a very good shape mentally and physically, I thought life was my oyster.

And it was. We spent a wonderful time in Paris. I was treated like a princess, I was relaxed and loved, and I loved, and nothing forecast a disaster. 

We were supposed to meet again in few weeks in Bangkok to live with each other and to make a decision about our lives together. 

Then one day he said he needs time and that is never a good sign. I told him to take as much time as he needs and went back to my life thinking that it's normal he was hesitating, after all moving his life to Bangkok even if for a while was a big decision. It was Thursday. He said he will talk to me the following week. 

On the same Thursday I went out with my friends, had couple of drinks and in the morning I was dragged from my bed being so sick that when throwing up I felt my eyes popping out. I thought it was weird and it then crossed my mind that it might have something to do with being pregnant. I also remembered few days before that I felt dizzy and hot,  and sweaty and that I felt generally a bit strange. It was Friday.

On Saturday, I went to the cinema but before this, I went to Boots and got a pregnancy test. I was on my way to see PK, a Bollywood production and as some might know there is an intermission during an Indian movie for the toilet and drinks refill. I went to the toilet after the first part of the movie, did the test and after three seconds I saw the two red or purple, fat lines. I WAS pregnant.

Called Maggie. We met. Had dinner. I didn't call Olivier just yet thinking that he should have some space, as he required... I sat with this information and thought...

The next day I called the guy in France. No response. No response on the phone, no response on Skype, or Facebook. He finally got on Facebook and I begged him to pick up the phone. He said he didn't have time and if I had something important to say, I can leave the message on Facebook. And so I did. I wrote "I am pregnant, please call me." But he did not. For two days that felt like two centuries. 

I was going through hell in my head. On Sunday night, he finally facebooked me saying that he will call me the next day. It did not sound good to me. 

The fear started to grow and grow, and grow. I was scared and panicked and shaken up. I thought I was thrown into an earthquake, into a tsunami and the whole world was collapsing. Fear engulfed me and stayed with me for weeks.

Although I had friends around me, it was the loneliest time in my life. All in my head with my fears and the world around me shaking.

I waited and waited for this call from Paris. When we finally connected I did not see the same person I used to see on the screen. He was not loving and carrying any more and willing to share his life with me. Instead he made it clear that he does not want to have this baby and that the only option he sees in me coming to Paris and having an abortion. 

The hell broke out.

Few weeks later I was on my way to Paris. I was devastated, sad and defeated. I felt horrible. I felt depressed. I felt scared. I was on my way to Paris, the city of love but this time this trip had very little to do with love. It had to do with everything but love.

When I went to Paris in February, I was devastated and felt at the bottom of the world. I felt sad and defeated, and knew that the man I am about to visit would force me to fight for a very important part of my life. I was down: not in a very good shape mentally and physically any more. Life was not my oyster any more.