Decisions

I finally had to make a decision where I will give a birth and stay, and live. Initially, I though I would go to Poland but that would mean that I would have to go back to the place where I really don't want to be. I have nothing against Poland and even my village but too many too painful around there. I did everything in my power not to live there and I had promised myself that I would not go back - so it was difficult even to think that I would have to. I thought: beggars are not choosers but then I realized that I am not a beggar. Yes, asked my friends for help and I will still ask them if I have to but that doesn't mean that I am a beggar. My choice is to stay here where I feel I belong, where I don't have to feel guilty that I disturb anybody's lives or that I'm depriving anyone of anything. I was offered tons of help. My friends are there for me and the world is listening to my pleads. It tells me not to be afraid and trust my instincts. My friends, my global Family have made me believe that although the goings are though, I can do it and they are by my side. I can't ask for more. I don't have a partner and my child doesn't have a father who wants to be with us, but we have friends and we are not alone.

Of course, I'm scared to death. I would be silly not to. Each mother mother and father I've spoken to is scared. However, now that I'm in the safe spot, I can relax and tame my fears. I can start really enjoying this time I have - the next four and a half months when my child is going to develop inside me (what?!). I will never happen again. I will never be pregnant for the first time again so I might as well embrace it and enjoy as much as I can.

I am grateful that my pregnancy hasn't caused me any trouble so far. I still can work, I still can exercise, I can look after myself - I am fully functional. I am grateful for my body which is handling this wonderfully. I am grateful for my heath and my strength and well-being.

It seems that I have just finished writing an introduction to our new life. I'm glad that the end of this chapter is more hopeful and optimistic to what it was at the beginning. I wish for myself and for my child that the following parts of our book end equally well. 

To all these wonderful people out there who have been there for me during this first difficult stretch,  THANK YOU so much. You give me courage and self-confidence, and you make me believe that there is place for me and for the child among you.

Showing

I hate this word but the time has come when it more and more obvious that somebody has inhabited me and is taking over my internal space. I'm beginning to show. So far this world of pregnancy was available to friends but now the whole world will know and start asking questions I'm not interested in answering. Whatever... I'll try to be as assertive as possible. 

I went to have an ultrasound yesterday with a new doctor. A very nice lady who delivered one of my students. The girl is perfectly ok and her mom well too, so I trust that I'm in good hands. And the hospital is quite cheap and therefore  the chances that I'm staying here are getting higher. Unless they fire me from work for sleeping at my desk. When this tiredness will end? Or is it some sort of depression? I have no idea but it's so difficult for me to work on anything, concentrate on anything, let alone keep my cool with the kids around. Challenging! But back to the hospital. 

The doctor looked inside the belly and I saw again a little human being growing. I also saw my placenta, bladder, umbilical cord ... all those fascinating organs usually I wouldn't even think about.  The baby 10 cm long already. Head is in its place, brain is where it's supposed to be, the head bone or whatever its name, is in its place as well. The spine is ok. The hands and legs are fine. The heart beats healthily. All seems to be fine. And this is all I'm interested in. I want this kid to be healthy and the rest will be fine. We can manage, I'm sure. 

I still don't know what it is but I'm almost 100% sure it's a boy. The doctor said that she thinks she saw something looking a small penis but the baby did everything to hide it from us so she couldn't give a 100% answer. I guess the baby had heard my threats about giving it up to adoption if it's a boy as I don't hold a male race in very high regard at the moment. Of course it's a joke though, I thought about an adoption for a moment but not taking gender as a decisive factor.

But there won't be any adoption as more and more I feel that I can do it. It won't be easy but I get help from left and right and people around me are so supportive and friendly, and normal about it that it gives me the most needed positive feeling that I'm not all alone in it. And indeed, Thailand is perhaps one of the most child friendly places in the world where having a child is still costly but not impossible for a single parent to manage. So it's up to me now how I will manage those months at work, with my finances and with my emotions which are sometimes overbearing and difficult.

It's still not quite clear to me how I will push it out but I feel better knowing that my Mom did it three times and survived. And other ladies did it as well - some are even my good friends and all of them fare well so there is hope for me too. My hospital, however, won't make it any easier for me - they don't serve epidural - to which information I stopped breathing for a moment and wanted to run away from the doctor's office. I was only stopped when promised that there will be other painkillers. I'm still not sure. Anyway it will hurt and I can't even imagine yet how much and how much I will hate the world for crushing my pelvis and opening me so  much to the outside. OMG! It makes me ask for the C-section even without any emergencies. At the same time, there is a part of me who wants to feel it and experience it since I've already experienced other unpleasant  realities of life, I might as well add one more to the balance sheet. Still... But I will not be alone at the birth. Though a husband is allowed only at the labour, the doctor told me that she'll do everything to make it possible for a friend of mine to be at my side when it happens. Oh, Maggie, as you don't have your own kids yet, I'm not sure if you should really see it live. It may put you off entirely from going through it by yourself.... however, I'm so grateful that you offered your assistance knowing how horrible it might be. Well, it'll be much more that holding my hand when having a tooth extracted. I love you, Maggie. 

Time to go to sleep and put my head to rest, and allow my bump (another hated word) to grow happily. 

Oh, in few weeks the baby is going to start hearing what is going on outside. Fascinating!