I remember lots of arguments about finances at home. My mom stopped working when we were kids and never went back to working full-time when we grew up. My father was a bread-winner. I guess my mom decided that it was too late for her to find a job, maybe they had a different arrangement with my father, I really don't know. But argued about money they did. And quite violently, I remember. Usually those fights were at times when my father was on a drinking spree drinking away the money which at certain point of our lives was scarce. So she would yell at him about that - he was wasting as little we had, and in return she would get those accusations thrown at her that if she hates it so much, she should be working herself and not just sitting around. My mom never sat around. She was very hard working and did everything she could. But this is not the point. Now when I recall these arguments, I find them downright disgusting. It is so easy to humiliate a person financially - a man or a woman. In my mom's case she would often be reminded that he meant nothing because she didn't work, but she did - at home, raising us and looking after my alcoholic father. He did work he ass off until she had no more energy to work more. She worked and yet she heard how little she was because she didn't contribute to the family's budget.
I have always known how painful it was for her to withstand these blows from my father and how after a while she accepted the fact that indeed she didn't earn ergo she deserved what she heard. SHE DIDN'T and no one does.
I was threatened as well. I was supposed to have this abortion or Olivier would disappear as he did. I was supposed to sign a paper releasing his financial and parental responsibilities towards the baby. I was threatened that if I'm not following, I will be taken the baby away because of my family and FINANCIAL situation. And honestly, I didn't know what to do. All this sounded reasonable. Kind of. Finances are important. I would like to give my child the best it can give. Money matters, can give some freedom you freedom. And I was thinking and he was repeating his threats. I counted. How much for the deliver, doctor visits, hospital, nanny... How much, how much, how much - turned out that I was short of around USD 3000. I felt internally conflicted: do I have an abortion because I'm short of this money? Do I allow it? Do I allow anyone to play on my fears and doubts? Surely there must be a way! Maybe it sounds naive but I don't want to participate in the world in which those important decisions are based solely on numbers? What about me? What about my feelings? What about my mental health, emotions? What?
Olivier tried to use my financial situation against me and the child, which was mean and cruel. He had showered me with gifts and promises: had offered to pay for my studies in Paris, had offered to deposit some money on my future bank account when already in Paris to make me feel comfortable and independent. All this was maybe even true till I was obedient and till the plan was going the way it was convenient to him. Everything changed and the financial violence/balcmail started when I found out I was pregnant.
Of course, this is my side of the story.
Of course, this is my side of the story.
