Saturday Morning

I'm still counting my blessings and I'm determined to continue. 

After all this turmoil and distress I'm determined to relax, look around and practice every day gratefulness for all the things I have in my life.

1. I have great friends and people who love me and my Daughter. 

In the midst of this crisis I reached out to many people asking for spiritual, mental and financial help. In 99% cases I was heard out and helped, or offered help and I find it very healing since it proves that going out there and talking about needs in a powerful tool. This experience made me truly believe that I am NOT alone and when the goings get though, I have a network of people who are there for me. This is a blessing.

2. I have my own experiences to rely on.

In past few years I have changed my life quite significantly. It all started with my Mom's death when I realized that there is nothing more important in life than feeling wholesome and worthy. When I was in Canada I fell into a network of people who taught me how to cope with this huge loss and come out on the other side. After a year of conscious grieving, I was more centered and happier than at any time of my life. Surely, it wasn't the end of the process but the beginning. Then I came back to Thailand and my life kept changing. For better I think, though it not always felt like this. There are still things I have to work on and sometimes it feels exhausting. Like... at the end of this year I felt I was on top of the world. 2014 was the best year in my life in many ways and then... and then I got pregnant, Olivier walked away and it felt like the whole world that I had been carefully building was coming to an end. The world was shaking, I heard the apocalyptic trumpets singing. It was all quite scary. I had to pull everything I had lerant together and use all my resources to get through this. The apocalypse hasn't happened. It's just the beginning of a long walk but I'm feeling so much more optimistic about the future now thank I was few month ago. All this thanks to the previous hard times.

Whith more and more excitement I'm expecting this Little Girl to arrive. Meanwhile. I'm enjoying my solo Saturday morning with a book and music.

On Days Like Today

On days like this, and I haven't had them many yet, I feel that everything will be fine. The panic goes away and for  few moments I can actually enjoy the miracle of being pregnant and producing a little human being. I'm wondering what it looks like or what it will look like. I wonder how big it is and what it is. I'm having my next ultrasound tomorrow and I can't wait to see it.

I think it will all be fine. I like this peace of mind that I have - if only for a moment. I feel I am not alone. And I am not. I have told many people already and I'm getting plenty of emotional support and love. I know there are lots of people out there who wich me all the best and cross their fingers for me and for the baby.  On days like this I feel that I will be able to connect with this little human being. On days like this I am glad I didn't have an abortion.

I realize that there is still plenty of those bad days ahead of me as well but at least I see the ray of sunshine on days like this. I need as much of the sunlight as possible now to get on my emotional feet and get ready for a new human being who is about to arrive. 

In six months I will be a mom. In sic months I will push out from the depths of my human existence another being. In six months my life is going to change entirely but on days like this I can see how this change can be positive. I won't say that I am already ready but I've been feeling so much better in last few days. I chose in Paris that I'm doing it and though I still panic at times, on days like this I shyly embrace my decision, feel it and make peace with it. Because why not to embrace it?

When I feel bad about my pregnancy it's usually when I hear this critical voice in my head saying: "who do you think you are that you can do it all by yourself?" This voice is trying to shame me and tell me that I'm not good enough. But deep, deep inside I feel that good enough I am. I am good enough to become a mom and pass everything I know onto my offspring. Yes, we won't be in touch with a dad but this cannot be a decisive factor. There are many kids out there without dads and they are fine if they have stable moms and stable environment to flourish. 

On days like today, I trust more and more that we can make it and be happy.