Till Next Time

Olivier left last night. He stayed with us for a month and what a stay it was!  It was just great. Difficult for me at the beginning but once I got everything out, things got much easier and relaxed. We had four weeks of carrying for Helena and he proved to be a great care taker. I knew it from the day I met him that Olivier will be a good father - I's seen  him interacting with children... So in these four weeks, Olovier helped me with everything: he changed her, he successfully fed her with a bottle few times, he walked her, he talked to her and he did everything he could to be present as much as possible. And he was. And I was as well. For those few weeks we were there only for out little Helena who now has two parents who love her very much and who made peace with each other. Good things are ahead of us. We will see Olivier again in December when he comes back. Till next time then.

The wounds are still there but I feel they're are going to start healing from now on. 

I'm very happy that things are going the way they are. 

I'm going back to work on Monday. That is a bit less of a happy news. I's hoped I would be able to get one more month but it surely is impossible and Sunday is my last day with Helena and I feel like it'll be a great emotional struggle for me. But I have no other option and I need to do what I need to do. Luckily, I work close to home and I will be able to come home and feed her or she will be coming to school for a boob. 

So that's that. 

A Rant

I've been there already: I've been in situations when another woman was involved. I know it by heart and I know what not to do to drive myself crazy: it's already painful enough. He says that it's nothing serious between them, that it's only sex - as if it was supposed to give me consolation. He says that he doesn't want anything serious at the moment and all his energies will be focused now on his new business and Helena - as if it was supposed to make me feel happier. It doesn't. It doesn't. In a day he will be back home and most possibly with her. Yes, I know - none of my business. And I don't want it to be my business. What they do, as long as Helena is not involved, is none of my business. I just would like to tell her once that it was shit that she was ready, not even knowing me or what was between me and Olivier, that this strange woman was ready to meet me in Paris and try to convince me that I should have an abortion and that she was ready to make threats about taking Helena from me should I follow any legal actions. Finally,  she was ok Olivier and me going through it... Who are you woman?! If you ever read this, know that we will never be friends and if you ever come close to my daughter I will rip you into pieces (fyi not really, it's just a figure of speech. Don't be scared. Olivier told me you were when the post was originally published.) Maybe I'm not fair, maybe you are a nice person but for now, I don't care just like you didn't care about what I was going through in February. I will try not think about you too much any more because it's a waste of energy and I hope it's the very last time when I feel such a strong emotion about you. He is all yours!  Oh, woman! How I dislike you for that!!!I really hope that out paths will not cross any time soon because I might loose it. Anyway...

One, two, three. Save energies, Ania, save energies. 

So this is what I'm dealing with today - her, Gaelle is her name, and I also saw her picture which puts a face... Oh... Hard stuff. Hard stuff. I'm furious with him, I'm furious with her. I went back today to the last message I got from Olivier before leaving France in February and it says that she would support him in getting an exclusive custody over Helena. WTF!

Take him, take him he is all yours. I have somebody more precious. I have Helena who is pure love and nothing but love.

One, two, three...

The end of the rant.

Today's Meditation - All Structure and Orientation Is Essentially Arbitrary.

Something to think about.

Domiance

"Sun shines in the centre of the sky. All things turn their faces toward the light."

"All things in this life depend on direction. In our world, all is oriented toward the sun? The planets revolve around it, the seasons depend upon it, and out very own concept of night and day is tied to the sun's rise and setting. The sun is the dominant element of our lives.

In all othe areas of our actions, we cannot avoid making arrangement that have a centre or orientation. Our lives require composition, just as the solar system has a relationship and structure. Yet all structure and orientation is essentially arbitrary.

We take the sun as the centre of our world because of our vantage point. To someone standing in another galaxy, our sun is nothing more than another point in limitless space. There is no absolute standard by which to truly call something the centre. Therefore, all arrangements and all compositions, all determinations of a dominant element are relative, subjective and provisional. 

There is no center except for that in our own consciousness. Wen we look at the sun and the arrangement of the planets, we must also include ourselves as observers. How else is there determination of what is being seen?  Consciousness is part of the phenomenon. We are the centre, and there is no absolute measure."

This Little Girl

When I found out thatbI was pregnant, it was like finding out that I was going to the Moon. I was petrified. I was scared that I won't be able to make it happen financially and emotionally. Would I be able to love her? Would I like her? Would I connect to her or would I be cold and distant? I read lots of things about instances when mothers don't like their children. I read about how some mothers reject their offspring and I was scared that I might be one of them. My maternal instincts had never been srong... And with all this initial mess with Olivier and my emotional turmoil, I was scared that I might project my resentment on an innocent human being. I had one thousand questions and very few definite answers.

Helena arrived and all of the sudden all those doubts disappeared.

Helena made me fall for her in secods. I look at her with each glance, I feel my love for her is growing stronger. Each day, this little girl shows me that I have tons of love to give and that this love is like no other loves I've ever experienced.

I love her, I love her, I love her.

I love her easy and I love her fussy. I love her happy and annoyed. I love her sleeping and I love hanging out with her. I love her in the morning, afternoon and at night. I love her deeply and happily and I will do my best so that this relationship is growing stronger and deeper.

I have a wonderful little girl who is my teacher and a guide. She shows me the way, I tune in and listen and together we walk our days.

I cannot be happier.

Recent Days

It's been seventeen days since Olivier came. Seventeen very emotional, sad and happy days. Seventeen days of practicing how to let go of the past - not forgetting but also not dwelling too much any more of what happened and what did not. It is what it is and I feel it is good.

Helena is happy. She loves spending time with Olivier and has managed to make him fall in love with her. That's good. The two of them are fantastic and I love watching how this relationship is developing. He's spending all his waking hours carrying for her, changing nappies and doing all these things a dad does. Of course, reality check - it's their relationship - not mine and his. However, being in such a proximity,  we are learning how to be around each other as well since we will see each other and we will work together, hopefully, for the rest of our lives or at least as long as Helena's parenting will require us to stay in touch. And we both want this relationship to work. We both want Helena to have a happy, predictable and stable childhood around adults who will be able to have a good relationship with each other. "But he hurt you so much", I hear the voices. He did and I will not forget that but at the same time... What's the use of thinking about it again and again? I've become tired of this drama, I'm choosing peace and at least I'm trying to move on.

In moderate peace I've been spending time with this little family not-family of mine just reminding myself from time to time that all this is for Helena. I know that one day I will meet someone who will be worth investing my feelings into again. Obviously, Olivier is not the person. And that's fine. It hurt how he dealt with the situation in Paris and it hurts that it came so easily to him replacing me (ME!!!) but the consolation comes from within: I've learnt how to love myself enough, one thing. The other thing is that he must have never really loved me in the first place. So as much as I was grieving a lost love, I come to the conclusion that maybe there is nothing really to grieve about? I don't know... I wish him all the best and as long as for the moment I don't have to hang out with his gf. :-) (yes, yes... my ego still needs some time to get over the gf situation). Whatever. :-) None of my business. Ha ha ha. Ania, Ania, Ania. :)

Mom

It was four years ago when I received this horrible phone call. She was gone, she made her final decision. The pain after a close one takes ones life is immense. I can't explain it or compare it to anything else. I was on the floor half-conscious, in tears, feeling that with her going, part of me died. And it did. It died in pain, it died in tears. On the floor. At the same time, however, in all this pain and despair, I was born again. In all that what was left of me, I managed to make a decision that my mom's deaths will not come in vain and I would honor her by becoming a better person, by trying living my life against all odds. I made that decision then and I've had to repeat it twice more - recelntly when I found out that I would have Helena. I decided that no matter what life throws at me, I will endure and walk forwards. Since the 1st of September I've been walking with my little daughter: walking calmly, gracefully, humbly but with my head up high. 

I miss Mom. I miss her every day. I will never stop. I know, though, that her spirit is with us and she lives through us: through me and Helena. I know that she huards us and sends light to us. I know that she is happy seeing me and Helena. That is all that matters.

My mom was and amazing person and I only hope that in her next life she will be happier and that she will never have to experience pain she experienced in this life.

 

 

I Can Only Imagine

There are moments when it really feels like we're a family: when we get together around Helena and play with her, when we talk about her future, when she makes us laugh... It really feels sometimes that the three of us are close. And it's wonderful.

Having this little family experience, I can only imagine how wonderful it must be to have a baby with someone you love and who loves you... I can only imagine...

It's hard sometimes not to get carried away with those familial images: I can see this little house, I can see Helena playing in the garden and us there together... laughing. NOT!!! STOP!!! I need to take a step back and remind myself that whatever there is now, it's not going to last and why the reason Olivier is here is not to make my dreams come true but to spend some time with Helena.

In eighteen days he is going back to Paris, to his life, to his girlfriend (ouch, that hurts me a lot) and whatever there is now, is now and soon will not be any more.

Yesterday when we were putting Helena to sleep, I said that Helena will surely miss him. I didn't say that I will as well. Like crazy. And I will. But... His presence here is for the moment and soon we will be by ourselves again. And that's ok. I just need to remind myself of this and not imagine that there is more there than there is. Though. 

Other than this we are still doing fine. Days are filled with Helena and taking care of her, which is a wonderful experience. She is getting bigger and fussier and at times she serves us outbursts of crying but generally the Little One is quite calm and composed. Still I marvel over how loud she can be when something is not the way she wants it: she cannot speak yet but she has this powerful, scare too - her longs and baby voice, which can wake up a dead person. Certainly when Helena is not pleased, at least the whole floor gets informed about it. She will scream and we will try to console her but, man, sometimes it's just impossible and has to be waited out. And once she decided she is done, she gets quiet and usually falls asleep and all goes quiet. So quiet that the quietness rings in ones ears. It just makes me appreciate these moments of silence so much!!!