Helena Anna

When Helena Anna gives me her smile, it's like all the starts are smiling at me and nothing else really matters. And she does smile! With her big mouth! She smiles with her whole body and soul. She smiles at me as if she wants to say that it's not worth worrying when she is around, as if she wanted to tell me that everything will be fine in the end and give me courage to pursue what I want to achieve.

Helena means light and she is my light at the moment.

I have this picture of her from which she looks straight at me with so much hope and trust. I am all she has and she is all I have now. She trusts me. She thinks that I'm the whole world. It's a wonderful feeling. It's a great responsibility. Scary sometimes. Often. I took this responsibility on myself but sometimes, especially when it happens that we are not sleeping at night, I wonder if I can make it happen alone. Olivier is not here... he is about to start his new life and though I know he will be there for Helena, he is not here now and whatever happens here is a solo act. But then... there is  no other option than just play my role as well as I can. And I will. And I am. Helena is worth it... such a lovely little human being! Yes, she climbs on me now at ungodly hours in the morning, she wakes me up pulling my hair or just helping herself with my breast and sucking out the life of me... I'm tired sometimes so much that I want to cry and I'm not even allowed my afternoon coffee... I'm dreaming of a fully slept night and a holiday but when I look at her my heart melts and I pull myself together and enjoy as much as I can.

I love her. I love my daughter. Each day more, each day stronger, each day deeper.

Mother and Daughter Part 2

Mother and Daughter: What You Give Is What You Got

Surely, an adult daughter can try to rebuild a relationship with her mother - says dr Ewa Wodyllo- Osiatynska. But what if the mother doesn't want the same? - asks Joanna Olekszyk.

What's the source of these conflicts then?

Usually it stems from the fact that the mother is immature. It's normal and only natural to be immature for a daughter. Kids will always be younger than their mothers. Being capable of making informed decisions and shaping opinions based on our experiences is a skill that we learn throughout our lives and this skill makes us mature people. We learn from books, movies and from other people. Our maturity consists of practical life skills. But just living life will not equip us with these skills. Oftentimes it even happens that a person experience a maturity block as a result of traumas, hurts, addictions, wrong models. You can be 48 and have a maturity of a teenager. This holds its truth for some mothers as well...

 Is it why they are sometimes overprotective?

This can be caused by their understanding of their role as a mother: they don't want to let go of their control over their child no matter how old the child is. Another reason might be that such an overprotective mother doesn't really have a life of her own. Fulfilling her motherly mission is the only thing she has. Even if she is in a relationship, such a mother doesn't share her bed with the partner, she doesn't plan nights out  or holidays with him. From a partner, a husband turns into a piece of occasionally used  furniture. Though it's not a relationship any more, the spouses can live like this for many years faithfully and in God. But a human is an emotional being that needs close relationships in order to live. To love somebody, to live for somebody - they are our bigger needs. And so it happens that if the relationship doesn't fulfill these needs, a woman will invest herself totally in children. Sons are not as easily dominated as daughters are who become like clay in mother's hands. On top of that, subconsciously, mothers take their daughters on a guilt trip. No mother would think: "Now I will show you and get a panic attack." She gets a panic attack by only thinking that her daughter wants to spend Christmas separately.  This is an addiction and resembles alcoholism, drug addiction and gambling. If you are addicted you can't stop by yourself unless somebody will help you by establishing healthy boundaries and saying: "Mom, don't do it". But like an addicted person a mom will retort: "How dare you talking like this to me?!" This reaction is typical of an alcoholic but in our case we deal with an addiction to a person. Such a toxic, debilitating  relationship becomes a trap for both a mother and her daughter. 

How to deal with such a toxic mother?

You deal with her like exactly like you would deal with an alcoholic. A daughter has to break the cycle of  fear,  guilt and codependency and take control over her own life. In order to do so, the daughter will need help from her support system: a husband,  friend or a colleague who will reassure her and sort of give her permission to live her own life. They should remind the daughter that her mother is an adult capable of living her own life and that the only way of getting out from this toxic predicament is through a consistent reinforcement of boundaries. For example: a daughter can announce to her mother that she is going to come to see her the day before the Christmas Eve but after she is leaving. The daughter needs to be assertive and not give in to somebody's weaknesses or addiction. I understand, however, that the Christmas example may be slightly ambiguous. Some may say: "What are you talking about? Christmas is about the Tradition, Religion and the Family..." My answer is: "Yes, it's all true but on one condition that respecting this tradition leads to something good." If Christmas becomes the time when mom always blames us on something and dad gets drunk, then this occasion becomes only an excuse for sustaining an unhealthy pattern. And that is not good. If that's the case, the only way is to break the cycle, separate and distance oneself and begin to function according to ones own values and believes. 

And so I keep thinking of my role as a mom and how it all will go between me and Helena. There has been a lot of pain and misunderstandings between me and my own mother. I want to have a healthy relationship with Helena - a relationship that will feel good for both of us. I am though aware that I will have to be very aware of what I'm doing - those imprints tend to be really strong. So, I need watch out... I want make sure that I have my own life and that I keep nurturing myself. I don't want to start living Helena's life and forget my own. I will to stay my own person - just so that later, when she grows up and leaves, I don't wake up one day and realize that there is nothing for me any more. 

Mother and Daughter Part 1

I keep thinking about this whole business of bringing up a human child and the more I think and read, the more I realize that I know so little about it and I will have so much to learn AND it will all be learning on the job. As I understand, now it's the easiest time - when she is so small and innocent. 

The real stuff, the challenging moments will begin around the age of two and will never stop from then on. 

As a respond to my maternal concerns, a friend of mine sent me an article from a Polish life-style magazine "Zwierciadlo". I found it interesting and decided to translate it for those who don't speak Polish and read my blog. I hope you will find it as informative and though-provoking as I do.

The link to the Polish version is here: http://zwierciadlo.pl/parenting/wychowanie-dziecko/matka-i-corka-dajesz-tyle-ile-dostalas

Below my surely imperfect rendition.

Mother and Daughter: What You Give Is What You Got

Surely, an adult daughter can try to rebuild a relationship with her mother - says dr Ewa Wodyllo- Osiatynska. But what if the mother doesn't want the same? - asks Joanna Olekszyk.

Having read the letters delivered to the"Sens" magazine, it seems that the mother-daughter relationship generates only problems. 

Because it's true.  Surely one has to be careful with generalizations but there are more emotional and relational issues between kids and mothers than between kids and fathers. More often than not, the father keeps a bigger distance with the children, he is more involved with the outside world. With the rare  exceptions of those women who work in business, mothers are usually focused on the family and offspring. Because they are closer with them, the tension and conflicts are more often. It's worth pointing out that because of a very specific relationship between the son and the mother, even the overprotecting one, conflicts between sons and mothers are never as intense as they are between overprotective mothers and their daughters. What is even more interesting, these conflicts usually emerge when the son starts his own family. Even then, though,  it's not him who has issues with the mother but his wife who might not cope well with the in-law.

Are then same sex relations more difficult?

Because of the same sex in the mother-daughter relationship, at a certain point the daughter will identify with the mother.  For the healthy development of the self in the daughter, however, she will have to separate from the mother and become and individual. In other words, at first a daughter merges with the mother but later she opposes her in order to find out who she really is. It's such a strong relationship that the daughter's identity is intertwined with the image of her mother. Very often as well, this identification with the mother leads to subconscious competition between the two. It's not a competition to win but to psychologically dominate the opponent. The mother and daughter may be connected through their sex but they are also divided by the generation gap. What the mother thinks and experiences is rooted in the past as opposed to her daughter who relates to the present. I will use the example of the washing machine: our grandmothers washed in hands, our mothers used wringer washers but we wash our clothes in automatic washing machines. Washing is still washing but we do it differently. Methods don't create as many conflicts though as feelings do.

To be continued....

I'm going to sleep now.

My head is going to explode in a second from the number of questions I have about the topic. I will go and enjoy the still conflictless nature of my relationship with Helena and the fact that she still hasn't got any teeth. Neither will last forever.