I Sat Down and Cried

Usually everything is under control. My emotions as well. Usually, I am able to look at the bright side. Usually, I am able to convince myself that one day things will be fine. 

But not yesterday.

Yesterday I sat down and cried. 

It was the last day of school. Time for holiday and rest but not for me. On Monday I go back to school for the summer. Four weeks. I'm glad I can do it and earn money to start my Master's but at the same time I am sooo tired. I am sooo tired and sick worried!!! And yesterday it all exploded. Me on the floor crying. Me on the floor thinking: what will I do? Can I do it? Can I really handle all this by myself? Can I be a teacher, a mother, a friend, a runner... can I be myself all the same time? Can I really give Helena the best things? Can I? Can I? And so I sat and cried. I felt left alone. So left alone with this all! And who should I ask for help, really? It felt so lonely and scary there on the floor in the dark. 

Helena was asleep unaware of my distress. And good. The last thing I want for Helena is to suffer because of me. 

I needed a hug but there was nobody to hug me. I needed just to cry and cry into somebody's arms as one more optimistic thought seemed to be impossible to generate. I felt that one more smile would kill me. I didn't want to smile, I didn't want to think that everything would be ok. Yesterday on that floor I felt so heave that I though I would never get up. I didn't want to get up.  I wanted someone to pick me up and hold me till I didn't have any more tears to cry. I wanted someone to take care of me. This one time. But I was alone. I got up. I dried my tears and marched to bed. I rolled in a ball and fell asleep.

It's hard to be the whole world.

I know I chose having Helena myself. This is why it's so hard for me to ask for any support. I feel like I don't deserve this help: Helena is my resposibility and  I should be able to get my act together... The truth is that I need help. I still don't know how to ask for it.

It's a new day today. I feel a bit better but I feel that if I won't change something and soon, I might be in trouble.

Another Month

Every month, on this day I feel proud of myself that, after all, I'm holding it all together. 

I pay my bills and I smile. 

I pay the nanny and I'm grateful that this wonderful woman is still with us and looks after Helena with so much care and love. I hate to think that we will lose her in October.

I buy nappies and milk for Helena and I feel happy that I can look after my baby and give her shelter, warmth and food. 

I do the groceries and I think that I'm lucky I can get all these veggies and fruits. 

I pay back my student loan and I can't wait till it's over! Six more months to go. 

I'm doing it all by myself. I feel quite proud. No, no. I'm feeling very proud. Disappointed that Helena's father... whatever. Another time.

We don't have much. I will have to pick up some extra work soon - Helena is growing fast and soon she will need new wardrobe, soon she will need a bit more than nappies only.  And shoes! Soon she will need shoes which I was reminded of when talking about our visit to Europe. It's colder there! And kids need shoes. Here, not so much. But there - it's a different story. 

We're going in 45 days.  I'm counting them because I'm a bit tired and I'm looking forward to some holidays. I'm working 24/7 now. Last night before I fell asleep I was thinking about my life before Helena and how free and careless things were. I remembered how easy it was to go to the gym and how I could spend hours there or in the pool. Now it's a bit more complicated. I'm not one person any more. Do I regret it? No. I just miss having time for myself but I imagine it will change as well one day. Everything will change. With Helena everything is dynamic. 

Tomorrow, my Little Helena is 9 months! 18 months have passed since the conception. A year and a half. Wow! Wow! Wow! Another month of growth and experiencing the world. Another month of learning and getting to know things around. How she has changed! I looked at the pictures from the hospital! She was so little and she couldn't do anything by herself. And now! Now she is learning new things every day and each day she is becoming more and more independent. Helena knows how her name and reacts to it. She claps her hands and waves goodbyes. She knows when I say 'come' and she comes (not always, she has her opinion as well if it's worth to comes). She even has her favourite songs: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" and "Il est ne, le divin enfant", a French Christmas song.  She has her favourite book and a toy. She likes things and some she doesn't and it's amazing to observe how this all is changing and developing. 

So another moth... We've done it, Helena! Yay!!!

A Sleeping Milestone

On Monday evening I was soooo tired that I couldn't take another sucking session from Helena and as she was getting ready to grab my nipple I said no to it. This is, somehow organically, the decision has been made that feeding and carrying to sleep have to go. I should have told Helena about it before I implemented the procedure (I do believe she understands what's going on around her) but she was informed about it during what turned out to be three hours of crying. Three very long hours during which I had to be firm but gentle, consistent and confident. Not an easy task when the Little one is crying and looks so sad that one wants to pick her up at once rock her to sleep and forget about everything. But I didn't give in. I was there with her all the time, on the bed, next to her when she was crying. I assured her that I am there with her and I will never leave her in need. She cried and cried, and cried. She didn't know why the teaty was suddenly gone: her beloved nipple, her consolation, her best friend, her safe place was gone. My hear was broken but I stuck to my guns. Eventually after said three hours she fell asleep and I fell on my face. Tired. 

The next day, yesterday was much easier and my spirits got up. She cried but less - maybe and hour and a half. We stared the ritual earlier: lights down, screens off, bath, food, burp and bed. She surely wanted to be carried around and wanted to be given a breast but the whole drama didn't last long and soon Helena drifted away in sleep. And so I spelt as well.

Today a miracle has happened and she fell asleep without crying. She was told that today will be the same as two other days and that she will be falling asleep by herself. The whispering bear was on, I sang Silent Night and after 45 minutes Helena was out. Yay!!! She woke up for a moment crying very loud but was able to find her safe place soon after and went back to sleep. 

I am so happy with this. I still wake up during the night twice but already I can see that the quality of her sleep and mine has improved. It's so important for both of us to be well rested even if it means that each day is anchored in the same routine. 

I'm well aware that tomorrow may be different and she might not sleep at all but I will nevertheless celebrate my little parental victory. I will celebrate it here and on Facebook since I have nobody here right next to me to share these little victories with. And it's a major victory, actually.

I feel a bit sad myself, I must admit. Weaning Helena means that she is becoming more independent and she is approaching a finishing line of  her infancy. I love watching her grow and each milestone she hits gives me so much happiness but I realize that time passes quickly. Time used to fly before she was born but now it is travelling with the speed of light. 

So here we are! Another beautiful day with Helena - a day to be grateful for. I will sleep like a baby tonight!

Update

I haven't been here in such a long time! Oh my! It's been a month already! And honestly, I can't even remember what's been happening. I should probably be taking notes on daily basis to remember. Basically, life revolves around Helena, my work and training. I'm getting ready to a half-marathon now and with full-time job and with Helena, getting ready is tough. Last week we were both a bit sick so going to the gym was not an option. The week before that I took my exercise to work so that I didn't waste my time on coming back home, changing and walking to the gym. I will have to go back to it after the half-marathon is done.

Meanwhile I'm also trying to learn some French and I had a lesson with a lovely teacher. I was told that I did a great job studying myself and I was so happy speaking my broke French. The language lives with me and all I need now is to practice. All... it's not such an easy thing to organize the lessons when I only have an hour free after work. My teacher's schedule has changed and now she cna't be coming here on Fridays... I might not be able to continue with her... Life of a mom is not easy - it's very busy. 

Soon, it will be even busier - I'm going back to school in October. 

I guess then I will have to seriously prioritize - I know already that I won't be able to do all these things at the same time. Alone. I wish I could but with Helena... I have her to attend and I want to spend time with my daughter whenever I can! It's bad enough that she spends most of her waking hours with Ms. Vivien who is wonderful and carrying but who is not Helena's mom. So recently even when I run, I run. I'm running when running. It's running in a hurry. It's running with higher speed in less time. I do the intervals and started doing 15km/hr just to make my workout more efficient. How I envy those moms who have two hands to help them and somebody to take over. Though, it is what it is for now and these are the circumstances I'm in andall I can do it to look into a bright future and do my best.

Meanwhile San Fransisco is a fascinating place full of interesting activities and fun. (sic!!!) 

Helena is growing fast and almost daily she is becoming more and more independent. It will still take some time before I see put on her own clothes and wipe her own butt. She has recently mastered the art of sitting and staying in the position for longer than three seconds and falling on her side. Now she is sitting, she is anchored and she is upright. And when she is sitting like this and when I watch hep playing, I can't stop but think that it all goes so fast. The days are long but the months and years are very fast. Eight moths ago she was laying on the bed totally unaware where she was and completely helpless and now... and no she knows so much about the world already! She knows for example how to get my attention in the morning by whacking me on my face with her adorable little hand and by giving me a wettest kiss in the world which is not really a kiss yet but sucking my lips. Adorable. The world of dripping saliva and laud farts. The world of laughs and smiles so sweet that no matter how tired I am when They happen, I'm back on my feet again. Each day I love her more and more and each day we are learning each other. What an experience! Yes, I am tired. I'm sometimes so tired that I want to cry. I'm sometimes so tired that I get annoyed and I'm angry with the whole world: Olivier and other people who are not there for me and Helena as they should. And it all is ok, It;s ok to be tired as I'm doing something tiring and difficult. But... but I know deep, deep in my heart that it will all be fine and that one day I will get at least my sleep back. Or not (ha, ha, ha). Nobody knows but for my own comfort I want to believe that one day, sometimes in the future, things will settle. 

With all this, I also remember to be grateful for all I have. I've been seeing recently posts on Facebook about sick children with cancer and I just can't imagine. Lives destroyed in a second with one word: cancer. That's why I celebrate each moment with Helena remembering that we don't have it all that hard. We are surrounded by good people, we have some money, I have work which allows me to provide for myself and Helenka and we are both healthy, thank God. It's all good. 

So that's that. One day at a time. Step by step.

That was us last Sunday. Such a great weekend with my Girl!

I'm Doing It

 I'm doing it.

Each day I'm making sure Helena has everything she needs: I shower her, I put her to sleep, I feed her when she wants to be fed, I sing to her, I comfort her when she is uncomfortable. Each day I go to work and leave her with an amazing nanny so that I earn money and make all this possible, however little it is... No, no... It's not little. It's a lot! I should stop belittle myself and pat myself on the shoulder a little bit for all that I've been doing. I'm a mom, I'm a breadwinner, I take care of myself and Helena, and my kids at home. Nothing is perfect but all is good enough - and that's a lot.

A month ago, I though I was falling apart again. I was so sad that he was going but I knew I couldn't go with him. Not the way it was offered to me.

But here I am again after a month... still standing. Maybe not better than I've ever been but nevertheless still standing and doing what I'm supposed to do. And that's a lot.

It's a lot considering that I'm in this by myself. I have friends around but they can't make things happen for me. I am the engine.

It's certainly not a walk in a park but I'm doing it and I should give myself a bit more of a credit for all this. I should... No! I want to celebrate more these things that I have than those that I might lack. After all, I'm doing it and I'm doing it well enough. Nothing has collapsed, I'm safe, my daughter is healthy, and though Olivier is away, life goes on and hasn't stopped for a moment.

I'm doing it. 

Helena Anna

When Helena Anna gives me her smile, it's like all the starts are smiling at me and nothing else really matters. And she does smile! With her big mouth! She smiles with her whole body and soul. She smiles at me as if she wants to say that it's not worth worrying when she is around, as if she wanted to tell me that everything will be fine in the end and give me courage to pursue what I want to achieve.

Helena means light and she is my light at the moment.

I have this picture of her from which she looks straight at me with so much hope and trust. I am all she has and she is all I have now. She trusts me. She thinks that I'm the whole world. It's a wonderful feeling. It's a great responsibility. Scary sometimes. Often. I took this responsibility on myself but sometimes, especially when it happens that we are not sleeping at night, I wonder if I can make it happen alone. Olivier is not here... he is about to start his new life and though I know he will be there for Helena, he is not here now and whatever happens here is a solo act. But then... there is  no other option than just play my role as well as I can. And I will. And I am. Helena is worth it... such a lovely little human being! Yes, she climbs on me now at ungodly hours in the morning, she wakes me up pulling my hair or just helping herself with my breast and sucking out the life of me... I'm tired sometimes so much that I want to cry and I'm not even allowed my afternoon coffee... I'm dreaming of a fully slept night and a holiday but when I look at her my heart melts and I pull myself together and enjoy as much as I can.

I love her. I love my daughter. Each day more, each day stronger, each day deeper.