Another Month

Every month, on this day I feel proud of myself that, after all, I'm holding it all together. 

I pay my bills and I smile. 

I pay the nanny and I'm grateful that this wonderful woman is still with us and looks after Helena with so much care and love. I hate to think that we will lose her in October.

I buy nappies and milk for Helena and I feel happy that I can look after my baby and give her shelter, warmth and food. 

I do the groceries and I think that I'm lucky I can get all these veggies and fruits. 

I pay back my student loan and I can't wait till it's over! Six more months to go. 

I'm doing it all by myself. I feel quite proud. No, no. I'm feeling very proud. Disappointed that Helena's father... whatever. Another time.

We don't have much. I will have to pick up some extra work soon - Helena is growing fast and soon she will need new wardrobe, soon she will need a bit more than nappies only.  And shoes! Soon she will need shoes which I was reminded of when talking about our visit to Europe. It's colder there! And kids need shoes. Here, not so much. But there - it's a different story. 

We're going in 45 days.  I'm counting them because I'm a bit tired and I'm looking forward to some holidays. I'm working 24/7 now. Last night before I fell asleep I was thinking about my life before Helena and how free and careless things were. I remembered how easy it was to go to the gym and how I could spend hours there or in the pool. Now it's a bit more complicated. I'm not one person any more. Do I regret it? No. I just miss having time for myself but I imagine it will change as well one day. Everything will change. With Helena everything is dynamic. 

Tomorrow, my Little Helena is 9 months! 18 months have passed since the conception. A year and a half. Wow! Wow! Wow! Another month of growth and experiencing the world. Another month of learning and getting to know things around. How she has changed! I looked at the pictures from the hospital! She was so little and she couldn't do anything by herself. And now! Now she is learning new things every day and each day she is becoming more and more independent. Helena knows how her name and reacts to it. She claps her hands and waves goodbyes. She knows when I say 'come' and she comes (not always, she has her opinion as well if it's worth to comes). She even has her favourite songs: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" and "Il est ne, le divin enfant", a French Christmas song.  She has her favourite book and a toy. She likes things and some she doesn't and it's amazing to observe how this all is changing and developing. 

So another moth... We've done it, Helena! Yay!!!

I'm Doing It

 I'm doing it.

Each day I'm making sure Helena has everything she needs: I shower her, I put her to sleep, I feed her when she wants to be fed, I sing to her, I comfort her when she is uncomfortable. Each day I go to work and leave her with an amazing nanny so that I earn money and make all this possible, however little it is... No, no... It's not little. It's a lot! I should stop belittle myself and pat myself on the shoulder a little bit for all that I've been doing. I'm a mom, I'm a breadwinner, I take care of myself and Helena, and my kids at home. Nothing is perfect but all is good enough - and that's a lot.

A month ago, I though I was falling apart again. I was so sad that he was going but I knew I couldn't go with him. Not the way it was offered to me.

But here I am again after a month... still standing. Maybe not better than I've ever been but nevertheless still standing and doing what I'm supposed to do. And that's a lot.

It's a lot considering that I'm in this by myself. I have friends around but they can't make things happen for me. I am the engine.

It's certainly not a walk in a park but I'm doing it and I should give myself a bit more of a credit for all this. I should... No! I want to celebrate more these things that I have than those that I might lack. After all, I'm doing it and I'm doing it well enough. Nothing has collapsed, I'm safe, my daughter is healthy, and though Olivier is away, life goes on and hasn't stopped for a moment.

I'm doing it. 

Hectic

It's been over two weeks since I came back from work and it's been... well, hectic. Everything has to be planned down to the smallest detail if I don't want to go mad in the morning. I still wake up around 5:30 but now the chances are that Helena will wake up with me and if I didn't prepare something the evening before, I can forget that I will do it in the morning. And on top of everything, I prefer to spend this time with her than to do anything else.

Then the nanny comes at around 7:15 and I have to leave immediately to school. With a heavy heart and heave legs that I drag behind me.

If my schedule allows and there is nothing urgent to do at school, I can come for few minutes and feed her. Luckily, I live close by and I can do it. Seeing her in the middle of the day when she is all calm and well rested is such a pleasure. Then I run to school again, the milk pump under my arm in case I can't see her for the second feeding. If this happens, I lock myself in a school toilet and pump hoping that all this will not disturb my milk supply. I would like to feed Helena only with my milk till the end of February though sometimes I think that maybe it's just too much and I should just give her formula and that's it. Last week especially I was all in doubts since at the end of the day she seemed to be very confused and fussy at the breast and that combined with me being tired was not very pleasent for the two of us. Last week I ened up crying twice. She cried and I cried. She cried because... I don;t really know why... Probably because she is a baby and that's what they do. I cried because I felt like a failure, a horrible mother who didn't know how to stop my baby from whatever distress she was going through. I hated it so much. And I still do. But it seems to be ok this week. It's just Tuesday but so far we didn't experience any major dramas and the days and evenings have been going quite smoothly. 

I come back from work around 4, three times a week the nanny is till 5 and theoretically I could go to the gym but usually something comes up: like errands that I didn't do on the weekend and if that's the case, I can forget my gym plans. And if there are no errands to run, I'm usually too tired to gym. Instead, I'd rtaher take a nap for an hour and gear myslef for the evening shift with Helena. Though, I managed to do a 30 minute workout on Monday and maybe I can do the same tomorrow. If, on top of that all, I won't feel too guilty to go to the gym instead of running to Helena immediately after work.

Then I come home... Do I have lunch for the next day? Do I have dinner for the present evening? If not... well, then I will use whatever time I have to cook... That;s why the gym has to wait very often too. 

Hectic, hectic, hectic.

I must say that I can't wait for Oliver to come and help me. Before he came in October, I was by myself and all was fine but then I experienced a spare pair of hands and how much easier and more fun it was to have him around with Helena. And so I miss it. I really do. I know I was supposed to do it all by myself but doing it in a duet is much, much, much more pleasant. And it's better for Helena as well to have him around. 

Helena is asleep now and I'm using these few moments for myself before I close my eyes next to her and open them again for feeding at night and then in the morning when I will see Helena smiling to me. I love those mornings. Fortunately, I managed to prepare and pack everything for tomorrow, so the morning is ours. 

Miss Ania But You Don't Have a Husband!!!

The day had come and I had to tell my students about the Baby in the belly. I'm getting bigger, parents are bringing me baby things and my students are not blind to all this. On top of that, on Friday at lunchtime one of the girls casually asked if it was true that there is a baby in my belly. I said that it was to which I heard: cool. And the conversation ended there. I was very impress with this girl's manners. No pushing, no further questions. She just asked me later if I knew if it was a girl or a boy and  I told her that I would tell her on Tuesday when I find out myself. Finished. I was super surprised that she didn't share her knowledge with anyone else, at least there wasn't any sudden eruption of questions and speculations.

Today morning I spoke to the parents as always in the morning and we talked about the Baby in front of the kids and I knew that the time had come. So I sat down and calmly told them that there is a little girl living in my belly. Few of them were surprised. Some of them had already known. obviously - again - very tactful not to spread any gossip before information was confirmed. Clever kids! 

The baby news was an easy one to digest. But then the other issue arose: Miss Ania but you don't have a husband. No, I don't. Silence. But you need a husband to have a baby. No, not a husband necessary and I was really scared that they will ask for more clarification. Instead the comment was: "That is so weird." Oh yes, that is so weird indeed. I wondered later if they know how babies get to the belly. They surely know that there are two people involved but I'm curious if they think that a dad puts a baby into mom??? I didn't dare to ask. I said: it was a miracle - or something like this... That's where the talk ended. We moved onto a more burning issue: an earthquake in Nepal and other global issues.

At least this conversation is behind me. In a few years time I will have another one with the Little Girl who will certainly ask me one day about her dad. I'm already playing in my head different versions of the answer and I still don't know what I'll say. Surely, she will not be satisfied with a brief, laconic answer so I better come up with something not very hurtful but genuine and truthful. Before that happens, however, I still have some time to think.

Real Currency

I woke up today to yet another article about single parenting in Poland and how hard and horrible it is. How it's difficult to execute any child support from a man, not mentioning a man who is abroad... Not that I think I will get any child support, because I won't... Did I make a right choice?
From the economic point of view: no. From what I undertand having a child on my own puts me in peril of sliding into poverty and financial disptress. From the personal perspective - as I wrote before, it's a miracle happening now... How will I find my way in all this? HOW?!
I wanted to fight for my convictions and believes but at times it feels like the reality doesn't give a shit about what an individual believes or feels. Money talks and this is real currency.

It's difficult to breath when I think about it all. 

Breath.

When I Allow Myself

Mostly I'm still panicked and crying, and not sleeping and seeing things in the darkest coulours but... But there are those moments when I feel the rays of light struggling through the layer of clouds and during these moments I wonder and imagine, and allow myself to feel the miraculous thing that is going to happen.

I'm having a developing human being in my belly. It's got everything it needs to grow into a full human being. It already is and it' is determined when it comes to its sex, colour of eyes, shape of nails, shape of the nose and more. It's truly amazing. And all this from only two cells. 

I'm going to be a mom - another quite unreal fact. I will be a role model years to come for another human being. It will lear from me how to approach life and the world. I will have a major impact on how in the future this human being is going to shape its life and relationships and truly it's a daunting task. 

In nine moths my life is going to change in a way that I can't even expect now. I know it will be hard and hard, and even harder. I've read enough blogs about single parenting to make me have three abortions and never even consider having a baby by myself but I'm still doing it and a little, very shy voice in my head is whispering that it all might be ok, that I can manage. On those rare occasions when I allow myself to hear this voice I see myself with my offspring happy. I see it smiling and thriving. I see myself smiling as well with my face in the sun gently caressed by warm wind. I see us happy - when I allow myself.

Fear of Falling Down

When I found out that I was pregnant, I realized how fragile my social position is and how easily it will be for me to fall from this place on the ladder where I am at the moment.

Here in Thailand I have a comfortable life, with a stable job and earnings that allow me to cover most of my expenses and even put some cash aside. Not too much but a little. I am independent, my budget is my only concern. Or I should say 'I was'. I have decided to have this baby.  I didn't want to believe that it was a mistake of my life and that it will ruin my life. But I am scared.

I will have to go back to Poland where I have nothing. My family will help me with accommodation but that's about it. I will have to spend a few months in Lublewo, the place where I was born. I have never thought i will have to go back there, not like this, at least.  In the future, I might be able to move to Warsaw, I have some friends there and I'm sure I will be able to find something to do. After all, I am a qualified English teacher.

I sat down with a paper and pencil and started calculating. I will be poor. I will be poor and I have been running from poverty all my life.  I am scared. I am scared that I will be poor and unhappy, and that I will blame myself for this. That when I still had some time, I was led by some of my conviction and beliefs and feeling that the abortion is not for me. But what is the alternative now?

I am sitting now in my Bangkok apartment, looking around and thinking how much effort it cost me to build this fragile life of mine and how I am putting it all now in a big threat

The worst thing is that deep down I think I am ready to become a mother. The budget, however, shows numbers... and these numbers don't look that great. And I'm thinking: is it ok that because I don't have 2000 USD now, I will go to a clinic and terminate the pregnancy?

I am 32 years old and theoretically healthy and productive. I have friends all over the worlds and years of experience in teaching abroad. All these things would suggest that I should be fine. Nevertheless, I am scared that I will fail to provide my child and myself with a good standard of living.

On the other hand, taking into consideration my situation this calculation might mean as well that I would never be able to have a baby - unless I would marry which doesn't look like will happen any time soon.