I Sat Down and Cried

Usually everything is under control. My emotions as well. Usually, I am able to look at the bright side. Usually, I am able to convince myself that one day things will be fine. 

But not yesterday.

Yesterday I sat down and cried. 

It was the last day of school. Time for holiday and rest but not for me. On Monday I go back to school for the summer. Four weeks. I'm glad I can do it and earn money to start my Master's but at the same time I am sooo tired. I am sooo tired and sick worried!!! And yesterday it all exploded. Me on the floor crying. Me on the floor thinking: what will I do? Can I do it? Can I really handle all this by myself? Can I be a teacher, a mother, a friend, a runner... can I be myself all the same time? Can I really give Helena the best things? Can I? Can I? And so I sat and cried. I felt left alone. So left alone with this all! And who should I ask for help, really? It felt so lonely and scary there on the floor in the dark. 

Helena was asleep unaware of my distress. And good. The last thing I want for Helena is to suffer because of me. 

I needed a hug but there was nobody to hug me. I needed just to cry and cry into somebody's arms as one more optimistic thought seemed to be impossible to generate. I felt that one more smile would kill me. I didn't want to smile, I didn't want to think that everything would be ok. Yesterday on that floor I felt so heave that I though I would never get up. I didn't want to get up.  I wanted someone to pick me up and hold me till I didn't have any more tears to cry. I wanted someone to take care of me. This one time. But I was alone. I got up. I dried my tears and marched to bed. I rolled in a ball and fell asleep.

It's hard to be the whole world.

I know I chose having Helena myself. This is why it's so hard for me to ask for any support. I feel like I don't deserve this help: Helena is my resposibility and  I should be able to get my act together... The truth is that I need help. I still don't know how to ask for it.

It's a new day today. I feel a bit better but I feel that if I won't change something and soon, I might be in trouble.

I'm Doing It

 I'm doing it.

Each day I'm making sure Helena has everything she needs: I shower her, I put her to sleep, I feed her when she wants to be fed, I sing to her, I comfort her when she is uncomfortable. Each day I go to work and leave her with an amazing nanny so that I earn money and make all this possible, however little it is... No, no... It's not little. It's a lot! I should stop belittle myself and pat myself on the shoulder a little bit for all that I've been doing. I'm a mom, I'm a breadwinner, I take care of myself and Helena, and my kids at home. Nothing is perfect but all is good enough - and that's a lot.

A month ago, I though I was falling apart again. I was so sad that he was going but I knew I couldn't go with him. Not the way it was offered to me.

But here I am again after a month... still standing. Maybe not better than I've ever been but nevertheless still standing and doing what I'm supposed to do. And that's a lot.

It's a lot considering that I'm in this by myself. I have friends around but they can't make things happen for me. I am the engine.

It's certainly not a walk in a park but I'm doing it and I should give myself a bit more of a credit for all this. I should... No! I want to celebrate more these things that I have than those that I might lack. After all, I'm doing it and I'm doing it well enough. Nothing has collapsed, I'm safe, my daughter is healthy, and though Olivier is away, life goes on and hasn't stopped for a moment.

I'm doing it. 

Miseries of Being a Mom

I generally love it. Being a mom. I love Helena and her smile, I love her with my entire heart and more. I can't imagine my life without her but sometimes... sometimes I would like to be taken back to my life before Helena even if just for few hours to get some sleep.

Oh, how sleepy I am!!! And how tired and worn out sometimes. It's not a bed of roses this parenting thing. It's not a walk in a park, sometimes it feels like a strenuous hike in the higher parts of mountains where it's getting more difficult to breath. Yes, breathing is very important. Especially in these moments when Helena becomes fussy and capricious, and announces it all with her loud cries. And her crying is really loud. Sometimes it's easy to sooth her but at times, like today, when she is too tired to understand what's happening to her, her crying becomes loooooooong, loud and tiring. Nothing seems to work. The only thing she wants is a teat but oh my, sometimes I just don't want her to milk me any more. I'm already feeling like a cow, and that's fine, I said once that I want to become a cow for her, but there are days, like today, when my nipples are sore and in pain, and I feel that one more milking will send me up the wall. So no more breast today which met with a lot of protest from Helena - a loud and miserable crying. I didn't cave in though, and holding her hand, I was there with her feeling miserable, feeling that perhaps I'm not such  a good mom bcasue few times I had thought that maybe I should really sell her to the Gypsies. She cried and cries, and cried. And then she stopped and I hope she's stopped for good. Next, I felt guilty about not enjoying even these crying moments with her  - these are my last days with Helena and shouldn't I be enjoying them? My last precious moments with my Princess and all I can think of is a. running away and hiding and sleeping for a long time, b. that I cannot stand another minute of her fussing. Aghhhh!!!!

So this is when I sometimes would like to be back in 2015, around October 21st. Still undecided if I want to go to Kanchanabouri... And it's just the beginning of parenting. Breathe, Ania, breathe! There is so much more in store! There will be so many more nights and days, perhaps, when I will feel overwhelmed and depleted. Today is one of those days. I wish I could fall asleep and sleep till next week. I wish i could sleep without ant interruptions. Finally, I wish I could wale up when I want again. When I retire, if I ever retire...

But then tomorrow is another day and Helena will wake me up with a big smile and happy to be around me. Tomorrow we will start from the beginning and all that's happened today will not matter at all.  For Helena each day is a new beginning, a new exciting beginning with the people she loves and she feels safe around. So till tomorrow and may the periodical misery not take a way the joys of having this extraordinary human being around me.

Amen.

I Love

I love, I love, I love.
I love her so much that it's beyond my own understanding. I love everything about her: absolutely everything.

I love when she wakes up with a big smile.
I love when she looks at me with so much trust.
I love when she snuggles when I feed her.
I love when she falls asleep in my arms, which at times, are the only place she wants to be. I love.

I love watching how she discovers things.
I love watching when she is figuring out the world around.
I love when she gets frustrated but eventually succeeds.

Four months ago I pushed this Little Girl into the world. In my wildest dreams I hadn't expected she'll be such a miracle and such a bundle of joy.

I love.
I love.
I love.

In my wildest dreams I hadn't anticipated tgat my feelings for her will be so strong. These are feelings of joy that travel through my whole body. These are feelings similar to thise when sratring a new journey: excitement, joy, hope.

And she gives me so much of them all.

Yes, it's hard sometimes. I miss sleeping though the night and sleeping in but... when Helena wakes me up in the morning and smikes at me... my own sleep is not so much important any more.

My petit Helena. My princess. Moja kapustka. My little frog, little mouse, little ladybird... My wonderful daughter.

I love her.

On Being Scared

Everybody says that it's normal to have doubts and to be scared of what is about to happen. Life is going to be turned upside -down, on its head completely and nobody knows what is going to happen. Nobody can tell me that this or this will happen, they can only predict, tell me about their experiences and compassionately nod thier heads when I vent my worries. 

Oh, man! I'm scared. I though reading would be a good idea to calm those scary voices down but it seems that most of the current publications are written to freak me out even more. It feels sometimes like we went from one extreme to another: from an absolute glorification of parenthood to presenting it in a really bleak manner. With some annotations that after all it's worth it... I don't know. So why do people have children if all this is such a terrible experience? Because it's expected from them? Honestly, reading what I'm reading now sometimes makes me feel like only the insane would put themselves through it and nobody would willingly chose to get pregnant. So is it really that bad? Apart from sleepless nights? I need some lifelines as a future mum.