Today

Today was Saturday. Today I spent most of my day with Helena. Helena. My Light. What a little girl she is! What a bubbly personality, what a gentle character! I can't get enough of her. And this laughter! It's amazing what things crack he up: it might be my gesture and she starts laughing, or something I've said and she wants me to repeat it. Today, she was lifting her t-shirt asking me to kiss her belly all over again. And then she wanted to swing upside-down, head down and I was supposed to kiss her neck. Ten time,s twenty, maybe more. And all this garnished with salves of laughter. When Helena laughs, the whole world laughs. We laugh, we play, we sing, we dance, we chase each other from one room to another and back. I love being a child again!!!

Being a child, however, evokes memories of my parents. I miss my parents. I miss my mom and my dad. One is not here any more. The other does everything he can to end his life - the thought I cannot stand. I think of them very often. We were close once. We were a family once. And then something went terribly wrong. Terribly wrong. It awes me how terribly wrong it all went. It awes me how people can get lost and never find a way out. I hope that I will never get that lost. I hope I will never lose hope and love for life. I hope I will remember that possibly there is someone out there who cares about me and this person is worth living for if not myself. I hope I will never lose love for myself. I hope I will never want to destroy myself this or another way. 

It was Father's Day. I didn't call. Not that I didn't want to. I did and I didn't. What would I talk about? Would I have to pretend again that nothing is happening? Would I try to be understanding again? Or would I loose it and yell in the receiver: it's been almost ten months and you haven't seen your granddaughter!!!! It hurts me so much! I'm the only woman left in this family and he doesn't give a flying fuck. It hurts me and makes me angry. It makes me want to scream and throw myself at him with my fists. I know things hurt him as well. I know. But now I don't give a shit because he is the father. He was supposed to be my rock, my guide, my safe place but chose to be one I wanted to run away from. And ran away I did. I took the pain. I'm so angry! Such a waste of life!!! Such a waste! Such a waste of time. 

The other father is absent as well. This one chose to be absent too! I'm living on the planet of absent me.

Absent men. 

We play and laugh, and we chase each other around. We love each other. I love this girl more than anybody in the world. I love her more than I could possibly expect I can love. For her I need not get lost, for her I need to be present, for her I need to put the past in the past, work through difficult emotions and move on.

I Sat Down and Cried

Usually everything is under control. My emotions as well. Usually, I am able to look at the bright side. Usually, I am able to convince myself that one day things will be fine. 

But not yesterday.

Yesterday I sat down and cried. 

It was the last day of school. Time for holiday and rest but not for me. On Monday I go back to school for the summer. Four weeks. I'm glad I can do it and earn money to start my Master's but at the same time I am sooo tired. I am sooo tired and sick worried!!! And yesterday it all exploded. Me on the floor crying. Me on the floor thinking: what will I do? Can I do it? Can I really handle all this by myself? Can I be a teacher, a mother, a friend, a runner... can I be myself all the same time? Can I really give Helena the best things? Can I? Can I? And so I sat and cried. I felt left alone. So left alone with this all! And who should I ask for help, really? It felt so lonely and scary there on the floor in the dark. 

Helena was asleep unaware of my distress. And good. The last thing I want for Helena is to suffer because of me. 

I needed a hug but there was nobody to hug me. I needed just to cry and cry into somebody's arms as one more optimistic thought seemed to be impossible to generate. I felt that one more smile would kill me. I didn't want to smile, I didn't want to think that everything would be ok. Yesterday on that floor I felt so heave that I though I would never get up. I didn't want to get up.  I wanted someone to pick me up and hold me till I didn't have any more tears to cry. I wanted someone to take care of me. This one time. But I was alone. I got up. I dried my tears and marched to bed. I rolled in a ball and fell asleep.

It's hard to be the whole world.

I know I chose having Helena myself. This is why it's so hard for me to ask for any support. I feel like I don't deserve this help: Helena is my resposibility and  I should be able to get my act together... The truth is that I need help. I still don't know how to ask for it.

It's a new day today. I feel a bit better but I feel that if I won't change something and soon, I might be in trouble.

A Sleeping Milestone

On Monday evening I was soooo tired that I couldn't take another sucking session from Helena and as she was getting ready to grab my nipple I said no to it. This is, somehow organically, the decision has been made that feeding and carrying to sleep have to go. I should have told Helena about it before I implemented the procedure (I do believe she understands what's going on around her) but she was informed about it during what turned out to be three hours of crying. Three very long hours during which I had to be firm but gentle, consistent and confident. Not an easy task when the Little one is crying and looks so sad that one wants to pick her up at once rock her to sleep and forget about everything. But I didn't give in. I was there with her all the time, on the bed, next to her when she was crying. I assured her that I am there with her and I will never leave her in need. She cried and cried, and cried. She didn't know why the teaty was suddenly gone: her beloved nipple, her consolation, her best friend, her safe place was gone. My hear was broken but I stuck to my guns. Eventually after said three hours she fell asleep and I fell on my face. Tired. 

The next day, yesterday was much easier and my spirits got up. She cried but less - maybe and hour and a half. We stared the ritual earlier: lights down, screens off, bath, food, burp and bed. She surely wanted to be carried around and wanted to be given a breast but the whole drama didn't last long and soon Helena drifted away in sleep. And so I spelt as well.

Today a miracle has happened and she fell asleep without crying. She was told that today will be the same as two other days and that she will be falling asleep by herself. The whispering bear was on, I sang Silent Night and after 45 minutes Helena was out. Yay!!! She woke up for a moment crying very loud but was able to find her safe place soon after and went back to sleep. 

I am so happy with this. I still wake up during the night twice but already I can see that the quality of her sleep and mine has improved. It's so important for both of us to be well rested even if it means that each day is anchored in the same routine. 

I'm well aware that tomorrow may be different and she might not sleep at all but I will nevertheless celebrate my little parental victory. I will celebrate it here and on Facebook since I have nobody here right next to me to share these little victories with. And it's a major victory, actually.

I feel a bit sad myself, I must admit. Weaning Helena means that she is becoming more independent and she is approaching a finishing line of  her infancy. I love watching her grow and each milestone she hits gives me so much happiness but I realize that time passes quickly. Time used to fly before she was born but now it is travelling with the speed of light. 

So here we are! Another beautiful day with Helena - a day to be grateful for. I will sleep like a baby tonight!

I'm Loving It

There are moments when I'm not. Especially in the middle of the night, just when I have to go to work in the morning or at 4:30 in the morning when Helena decides that the night is over and it's time to play.  Then I'm not loving it so much, this whole thing called being a mom. Then all the reason is gone, fast asleep and the only thing I want is to be asleep as well.  But these moments are rare, thank goodness, so on the balance sheet I love it more often than I don't. 

If it's not 4:30 in the morning, I love being woken up by this little human climbing on top of my head, puling my hair out, sticking her fingers into my ears and nose, and giving me the biggest and the brightest smile in the world. The day's started, Mom!!! I'm here!!! I love you!!! And a big smile, just like this. Not because I've done anything special, not because it's a special day - a big smile that conveys the joy of life, the bliss, the happiness of just being. 

And then we cuddle. Helena crawls to a fan and plays around with the buttons, on and off, on and off. The we cuddle some more. I do the monkey, or a puppy and a kitty, she smiles more or even laughs. I laugh back and then together on all four  we crawl to the kitchen to put the kettle on for coffee. (I spend most of my time now on my four with Helena crawling like her looking at the world from the floor perspective).

We play, we go swimming, we eat... we have some time apart as well when Helena sleeps and I do my own things, or when she is with her nanny and I can go to the gym or read/learn something... but it's always such a pleasure to go back to her and her smile, and jovial personality. We go to a park to see some other kids and just lay on the grass, or rather crawl on it or look into the sky.

When the night comes, we have already the whole ritual figured out: shower, bottle, sleep and it's getting better and better. Helena is out - she falls asleep in my arms. Her little body relaxes in my arms, I sing her a lullaby, she find her comfort and drifts safely away. I kiss her head thousand times, her soft her tickles my lips. I feel her smell. It's all wonderful 

I'm more than aware that those moments will pass. Helena will not be a baby for a long time and that's why I'm trying to enjoy her babyhood and be present as much as I can.  Here and now is the most important. And here and now is good. I'm not impressed with her father and how he left and how he doesn't care to chip in  the finances claiming that Helena has no expenses. He said he had declared his readiness to help and he had till I said I wasn't going to the States. So what was the best to punish me? Money! He will tell me that he has got the right to see Helena - sure! But with the rights come responsibilities and these have been recently neglected on the father's side. As if also I was asking for a fortune! Shame! As I was asking for money for shoes and bags! And the court will decide! Blah, blah, blah... We are again abandoned and I can't take it any more. So what was the purpose of coming here in the first place? On the bright side, his family are very attentive and call Helena regularly have offered help! But I cringe because Helena has a father who should help, not the family. I also regret that we can't do it together. Very much! It's not only about the money but as we can't do it otherwise, Helena should be getting financial assistance from her father BY THE LAW! I'm not asking about anything else. By the law both parents are supposed to financially support the child. BOTH PARENTS as much as they can. BOTH. And since the two DNA tests, Helena has had a father. So like it o not, we are both in it and not because I had insisted on his presence. O. came to Helena's life as his own decision ready to be the father. Or was he? I'm not writing this to discredit Helena's dad - he was great with her, he helped a lot, and I'm sure he loves her, I have no doubts but he tends to treat me like nothing, or at least it feels like this, and after all that we've been through, it feels very fucking unfair.

Apart from that... We are good. I am good and in love. In love with this little girl of mine. I look at her in her sleep and I swear that I she is the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen. 

I'm loving it.

She Blows My Mind

It blows my mind: I hold Helena in my arms, a little human girl. A little perfection: most of what she will use in her life is there already there ready to be nurtured and activated by me - by her primary care giver. She is not  just a white sheet to be written on - she is a person already with her moods, with he likes and dislikes, needs with all these little things that make her Helena. To me, she is whole already and my responsibility is to nurture this wholeness, to prompt what's good and to help her navigate the world.  She will be discovering the world with me and for a long time she will see it through my eyes.  My vision is impaired. I've been both disabled  and enabled by my own experiences: now it's the quiestion where will the accents go: on the positive and empowering or the negative and the disability will continue. That's how it happens across generations. The vision impairment is contagious: what I'm scared of - Helena most probably will internalize. What I consider safe - she will as well. She will soon pick on what I make of the world and people in it. This life that I'm nurturing is such a responsibility that it blows my mind. 

She looks at me with so much trust and belief - for Helena I'm the compass, the map and the guide. 

I know Helena is not mine - she will go away one day and it's my responsibility to equip her for this journey. I need to equip her with the tools that she will see that work ergo through my own life I  need to show her how to make use of these tools. It's a beautiful and a very challenging task. I'm honored that she is my daughter but when think of all these stages that we will go through and of my role as a mom, I'm feeling often overwhelmed. I don't want to be perfect, it's not about it. Far too well I know that I'm a flawed human being but I just would like to be good enough and make Helena comfortable and safe, and confident that the world is a good place: yes, there are challenges and we already have few of them but we can learn to work around them and still be happy.She will see me practicing it, she will believe it. She will see me only saying that- she will know that I'm selling her crap.

 But why am I writing all this? Oh yes! I just felt this wave of love today when she was falling asleep in my arms. The wave of love and awe. I'm awed with the wholeness of this little human being, I'm awed with how much she already knows, how observant she is. I'm stunned by her new skills that she develops each day, I marvel over her character. Such a little human being and there is already so much to her, she is already so complex - simple in some ways but so complex and wholesome it other ways.

Helena blows my mind.