Waiting for a Baby To Arrive and After

No, no. Not mine. My baby is out already and soon we will celebrate a year together. Many of my friends, though, have become first time moms now or are expecting a baby in next nine months. When I talk to them, it takes me back a year ago to these months preceding Helena's arrival.

The first three months were not very happy. They were downright miserable and sad, and it took me time to make a decision that enough crying was enough. When I listen to my friends and how happy they are in these first months, I feel jealous a bit... but also happy that they don't have to go through what I did. I feel happy that they have partners and families who stand next to them and I am happy that they will be taken care of. It's such a special time and going through it alone is not fun. So, I'm happy that they won't have to.

Certainly, being pregnant alone didn't kill me. Helena was born healthy and beautiful. I survived the labor. Happy ending. I will never forget, though. And I think I will never really forgive. 

No, I'm sure my expecting friends are reading tons about becoming a parent. Please, stop. Now. From what I remember - becoming a parent these days is being presented as a massive disaster, actually. I really hate it! 

Yes, it is difficult, sure. Yes, you will not sleep for a while and you will be tired but it's not the end of the world if you have a partner to help you or anybody to help you, really. 

No, you don't have to take your child to the bathroom with you, as some suggest because you can't put it down. Put it down. It will cry, it will cry. It doesn't kill. You have to address your own needs as well and your child has to learn that you are not a slave to anyone. Helena, my daughter, is being reminded of it daily. When I get ready for work, I put her in her cot and I tell her that now she will have to stay with herself because I have to take a shower and get ready. Initially she protested, of course. But I gently remind her that I need showers and I need to get ready so she has to suck it up. And she does. Now, she will scream sometimes but mostly she has accepted that her staying by herself and me showering is a part of the routine. The bathroom door is open, she sees me, we talk but I shower as long as I want and she waits for me.

I read somewhere that there is no time for cooking and I should be prepared for ordering takeaways all the time. No, no, and no!!! I cook all the time. I cook for three days sometimes, in big batches but I cook and a takeaway apprears very rarely on my table. The nanny helps, sure. When Olivier was here, it was even easier since he is a great chef and our dinner were fantastic. But even when I am alone, again, I put Helena away and I tell her that it's time for me to prepare food and I need this time because I need to be healthy. She screamed maybe sometimes, and sometimes I have to pick her up and stop chopping up veggies but I put her donw, and go back to cooking and she knows that it's important. I'm nobodys's slave.

The same goes for working out. I come back from work, I work full time and with lots of guilt, yes, but I put on my running shoes and I go for a run. I tell Helena that it's important and that after I will have all the time for her. The Nanny leaves at 5 so around this time I have to be done with everything for the day if I want to be with Helena for another two hours before she goes to sleep.

Also, you don't have to wear your yoga pants all the time. Kids will wait for you to change your clothes and if not, then it means that you taught them otherwise. If they cry when you do your things, let them cry. They will get used to it eventually. I think.

I tell Helena that my needs are as important as hers and if I'm happy, she will be happy too. It's like on the plane, right? I can only help her when my oxygen mask is on.

So, my friends, don't worry. You will be fine. Life will be different and hectic but you can manage. Especially when you are on a maternity leave and with the help you will be getting from your partners and families.

And for now, now just relax and enjoy this special time waiting for your special baby, she or he will be in your arms sooner than you expect.

 

Another Month

Every month, on this day I feel proud of myself that, after all, I'm holding it all together. 

I pay my bills and I smile. 

I pay the nanny and I'm grateful that this wonderful woman is still with us and looks after Helena with so much care and love. I hate to think that we will lose her in October.

I buy nappies and milk for Helena and I feel happy that I can look after my baby and give her shelter, warmth and food. 

I do the groceries and I think that I'm lucky I can get all these veggies and fruits. 

I pay back my student loan and I can't wait till it's over! Six more months to go. 

I'm doing it all by myself. I feel quite proud. No, no. I'm feeling very proud. Disappointed that Helena's father... whatever. Another time.

We don't have much. I will have to pick up some extra work soon - Helena is growing fast and soon she will need new wardrobe, soon she will need a bit more than nappies only.  And shoes! Soon she will need shoes which I was reminded of when talking about our visit to Europe. It's colder there! And kids need shoes. Here, not so much. But there - it's a different story. 

We're going in 45 days.  I'm counting them because I'm a bit tired and I'm looking forward to some holidays. I'm working 24/7 now. Last night before I fell asleep I was thinking about my life before Helena and how free and careless things were. I remembered how easy it was to go to the gym and how I could spend hours there or in the pool. Now it's a bit more complicated. I'm not one person any more. Do I regret it? No. I just miss having time for myself but I imagine it will change as well one day. Everything will change. With Helena everything is dynamic. 

Tomorrow, my Little Helena is 9 months! 18 months have passed since the conception. A year and a half. Wow! Wow! Wow! Another month of growth and experiencing the world. Another month of learning and getting to know things around. How she has changed! I looked at the pictures from the hospital! She was so little and she couldn't do anything by herself. And now! Now she is learning new things every day and each day she is becoming more and more independent. Helena knows how her name and reacts to it. She claps her hands and waves goodbyes. She knows when I say 'come' and she comes (not always, she has her opinion as well if it's worth to comes). She even has her favourite songs: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" and "Il est ne, le divin enfant", a French Christmas song.  She has her favourite book and a toy. She likes things and some she doesn't and it's amazing to observe how this all is changing and developing. 

So another moth... We've done it, Helena! Yay!!!

A Sleeping Milestone

On Monday evening I was soooo tired that I couldn't take another sucking session from Helena and as she was getting ready to grab my nipple I said no to it. This is, somehow organically, the decision has been made that feeding and carrying to sleep have to go. I should have told Helena about it before I implemented the procedure (I do believe she understands what's going on around her) but she was informed about it during what turned out to be three hours of crying. Three very long hours during which I had to be firm but gentle, consistent and confident. Not an easy task when the Little one is crying and looks so sad that one wants to pick her up at once rock her to sleep and forget about everything. But I didn't give in. I was there with her all the time, on the bed, next to her when she was crying. I assured her that I am there with her and I will never leave her in need. She cried and cried, and cried. She didn't know why the teaty was suddenly gone: her beloved nipple, her consolation, her best friend, her safe place was gone. My hear was broken but I stuck to my guns. Eventually after said three hours she fell asleep and I fell on my face. Tired. 

The next day, yesterday was much easier and my spirits got up. She cried but less - maybe and hour and a half. We stared the ritual earlier: lights down, screens off, bath, food, burp and bed. She surely wanted to be carried around and wanted to be given a breast but the whole drama didn't last long and soon Helena drifted away in sleep. And so I spelt as well.

Today a miracle has happened and she fell asleep without crying. She was told that today will be the same as two other days and that she will be falling asleep by herself. The whispering bear was on, I sang Silent Night and after 45 minutes Helena was out. Yay!!! She woke up for a moment crying very loud but was able to find her safe place soon after and went back to sleep. 

I am so happy with this. I still wake up during the night twice but already I can see that the quality of her sleep and mine has improved. It's so important for both of us to be well rested even if it means that each day is anchored in the same routine. 

I'm well aware that tomorrow may be different and she might not sleep at all but I will nevertheless celebrate my little parental victory. I will celebrate it here and on Facebook since I have nobody here right next to me to share these little victories with. And it's a major victory, actually.

I feel a bit sad myself, I must admit. Weaning Helena means that she is becoming more independent and she is approaching a finishing line of  her infancy. I love watching her grow and each milestone she hits gives me so much happiness but I realize that time passes quickly. Time used to fly before she was born but now it is travelling with the speed of light. 

So here we are! Another beautiful day with Helena - a day to be grateful for. I will sleep like a baby tonight!

I'm Loving It

There are moments when I'm not. Especially in the middle of the night, just when I have to go to work in the morning or at 4:30 in the morning when Helena decides that the night is over and it's time to play.  Then I'm not loving it so much, this whole thing called being a mom. Then all the reason is gone, fast asleep and the only thing I want is to be asleep as well.  But these moments are rare, thank goodness, so on the balance sheet I love it more often than I don't. 

If it's not 4:30 in the morning, I love being woken up by this little human climbing on top of my head, puling my hair out, sticking her fingers into my ears and nose, and giving me the biggest and the brightest smile in the world. The day's started, Mom!!! I'm here!!! I love you!!! And a big smile, just like this. Not because I've done anything special, not because it's a special day - a big smile that conveys the joy of life, the bliss, the happiness of just being. 

And then we cuddle. Helena crawls to a fan and plays around with the buttons, on and off, on and off. The we cuddle some more. I do the monkey, or a puppy and a kitty, she smiles more or even laughs. I laugh back and then together on all four  we crawl to the kitchen to put the kettle on for coffee. (I spend most of my time now on my four with Helena crawling like her looking at the world from the floor perspective).

We play, we go swimming, we eat... we have some time apart as well when Helena sleeps and I do my own things, or when she is with her nanny and I can go to the gym or read/learn something... but it's always such a pleasure to go back to her and her smile, and jovial personality. We go to a park to see some other kids and just lay on the grass, or rather crawl on it or look into the sky.

When the night comes, we have already the whole ritual figured out: shower, bottle, sleep and it's getting better and better. Helena is out - she falls asleep in my arms. Her little body relaxes in my arms, I sing her a lullaby, she find her comfort and drifts safely away. I kiss her head thousand times, her soft her tickles my lips. I feel her smell. It's all wonderful 

I'm more than aware that those moments will pass. Helena will not be a baby for a long time and that's why I'm trying to enjoy her babyhood and be present as much as I can.  Here and now is the most important. And here and now is good. I'm not impressed with her father and how he left and how he doesn't care to chip in  the finances claiming that Helena has no expenses. He said he had declared his readiness to help and he had till I said I wasn't going to the States. So what was the best to punish me? Money! He will tell me that he has got the right to see Helena - sure! But with the rights come responsibilities and these have been recently neglected on the father's side. As if also I was asking for a fortune! Shame! As I was asking for money for shoes and bags! And the court will decide! Blah, blah, blah... We are again abandoned and I can't take it any more. So what was the purpose of coming here in the first place? On the bright side, his family are very attentive and call Helena regularly have offered help! But I cringe because Helena has a father who should help, not the family. I also regret that we can't do it together. Very much! It's not only about the money but as we can't do it otherwise, Helena should be getting financial assistance from her father BY THE LAW! I'm not asking about anything else. By the law both parents are supposed to financially support the child. BOTH PARENTS as much as they can. BOTH. And since the two DNA tests, Helena has had a father. So like it o not, we are both in it and not because I had insisted on his presence. O. came to Helena's life as his own decision ready to be the father. Or was he? I'm not writing this to discredit Helena's dad - he was great with her, he helped a lot, and I'm sure he loves her, I have no doubts but he tends to treat me like nothing, or at least it feels like this, and after all that we've been through, it feels very fucking unfair.

Apart from that... We are good. I am good and in love. In love with this little girl of mine. I look at her in her sleep and I swear that I she is the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen. 

I'm loving it.