Waiting for a Baby To Arrive and After

No, no. Not mine. My baby is out already and soon we will celebrate a year together. Many of my friends, though, have become first time moms now or are expecting a baby in next nine months. When I talk to them, it takes me back a year ago to these months preceding Helena's arrival.

The first three months were not very happy. They were downright miserable and sad, and it took me time to make a decision that enough crying was enough. When I listen to my friends and how happy they are in these first months, I feel jealous a bit... but also happy that they don't have to go through what I did. I feel happy that they have partners and families who stand next to them and I am happy that they will be taken care of. It's such a special time and going through it alone is not fun. So, I'm happy that they won't have to.

Certainly, being pregnant alone didn't kill me. Helena was born healthy and beautiful. I survived the labor. Happy ending. I will never forget, though. And I think I will never really forgive. 

No, I'm sure my expecting friends are reading tons about becoming a parent. Please, stop. Now. From what I remember - becoming a parent these days is being presented as a massive disaster, actually. I really hate it! 

Yes, it is difficult, sure. Yes, you will not sleep for a while and you will be tired but it's not the end of the world if you have a partner to help you or anybody to help you, really. 

No, you don't have to take your child to the bathroom with you, as some suggest because you can't put it down. Put it down. It will cry, it will cry. It doesn't kill. You have to address your own needs as well and your child has to learn that you are not a slave to anyone. Helena, my daughter, is being reminded of it daily. When I get ready for work, I put her in her cot and I tell her that now she will have to stay with herself because I have to take a shower and get ready. Initially she protested, of course. But I gently remind her that I need showers and I need to get ready so she has to suck it up. And she does. Now, she will scream sometimes but mostly she has accepted that her staying by herself and me showering is a part of the routine. The bathroom door is open, she sees me, we talk but I shower as long as I want and she waits for me.

I read somewhere that there is no time for cooking and I should be prepared for ordering takeaways all the time. No, no, and no!!! I cook all the time. I cook for three days sometimes, in big batches but I cook and a takeaway apprears very rarely on my table. The nanny helps, sure. When Olivier was here, it was even easier since he is a great chef and our dinner were fantastic. But even when I am alone, again, I put Helena away and I tell her that it's time for me to prepare food and I need this time because I need to be healthy. She screamed maybe sometimes, and sometimes I have to pick her up and stop chopping up veggies but I put her donw, and go back to cooking and she knows that it's important. I'm nobodys's slave.

The same goes for working out. I come back from work, I work full time and with lots of guilt, yes, but I put on my running shoes and I go for a run. I tell Helena that it's important and that after I will have all the time for her. The Nanny leaves at 5 so around this time I have to be done with everything for the day if I want to be with Helena for another two hours before she goes to sleep.

Also, you don't have to wear your yoga pants all the time. Kids will wait for you to change your clothes and if not, then it means that you taught them otherwise. If they cry when you do your things, let them cry. They will get used to it eventually. I think.

I tell Helena that my needs are as important as hers and if I'm happy, she will be happy too. It's like on the plane, right? I can only help her when my oxygen mask is on.

So, my friends, don't worry. You will be fine. Life will be different and hectic but you can manage. Especially when you are on a maternity leave and with the help you will be getting from your partners and families.

And for now, now just relax and enjoy this special time waiting for your special baby, she or he will be in your arms sooner than you expect.

 

End of Pregnency Anxiety

My holiday is over and even though I had few days in Kho Chnag to catch a breath, I had to get back to work quickly: private lessons and another IB workshop offered by the school. And then another one. Why not!? I'm feeling exhausted though. I'm trying to keep up with everything around me: school, extra work, deadlines, social obligations, my own time but in these last weeks of my pregnancy all this leaves me exhausted. Or at least today. I came back home, sat on bed for few minutes and woke up few hours alter. I'll finish writing this up and go back to sleep. I still go to work tomorrow and Friday, and then next week the kids are coming back to school and we start a new school year. My two-month maternity leave starts in September but that won't be at all about resting up.

The chances are, however, that considering the pace I'll deliver in the classroom. That might not be such a bad idea after all as I'd probably feel safer there than in hospital. I've never been to one. Oh, nope, sorry, I've been three times but never with anything as serious as labor. 

I'm horrified. Yes, I'm trying to keep zen and cool abut the whole experience but I'm scared to death nevertheless. 

Today I can't stop thinking of the amount of pain I will  have to go through. Everything I read about labor anonymously states that the pain is immense and only an insane person would do it without epidural. My hospital doesn't give epidural, other hospitals are too expensive for me to go to. My doctor told me I will be given other painkillers if needed but not this one. Initially, I was cool about it but now... Should I change the hospital? Should I pay more have this painkiller injected? What do I do? I'm scared that won't be able to stand it... My doctor smiler from behind her desk as says: "You can. No problem for you", whenever I share my reservations with her. She seems to be really convinced that I'll survive and be well.  I guess when it all starts I will have to endure it and push her out into the world. People walked all the way to Siberia and survived concentration camps... labor doesn't sound so bad compared to these ones.

I just hope I won't be too traumatized by the experience and I won't transfer my negative expereinces onto Helena. 

In the classroom there wouldn't be any painkiller whatsoever but there would be familiar faces of friendly and carrying people. In hospital there will be nurses and I'm not sure if they'll necessarily speak English well enough for us to communicate. I guess I will just concentrate on the survival part of the event, maybe I don't need to communicate with anyone...

It's six weeks left. The time is ticking... In six weeks my daughter will be born. On my way to the gym yesterday when i was locking the door to my apartment I had a reflection that soon enough I will lock this door on my own for the last time. I wanted to cry. Am I ready for this change? Not today. Will I ever be? I don't think so as people basically don't like changes... I can think whatever I want, though, it's going to happen and soon. Helena is almost at the door.

Life Changing Experience

Few weeks ago I found out that I am pregnant. Few days before that my at that time boyfriend said that he needs to think things through, which is never a good sign. Then I found out that I am pregnant. I looked at the test in the cinema toilet and I didn't feel anything for a moment, then I let out a silly laugh. I never finished the movie I had been watching. I called a friend. The next day I tired to contact the father but I was told he didn't have time to talk to me and was asked to leave a facebook message instead. I got a reply two days later.

The guy didn't ant the child but was ready to help me to solve the problem. Filled with panic, I traveled all the way back to Europe thinking that I actually might have the abortion. I tried to talk to him but he only insisted on getting rid of it. I was devastated, I still am. I had always wanted to have children but never had imagined that I will have them alone. Well, I will have one alone as I decided not to go to the clinic.

I'm back home. I'm back to my asylum in Bangkok, that I have built with s much effort over the years and now, I will have to leave. It's a scary perspective. I will have to go back to Poland for a while and face my biggest fears and try to use all the knowledge and wisdom I have acquired over the years.  I am scared. For the first time in my life I am so scared that I can't even explain it. At the same time, I have a feeling that it will be a great personal development lesson and I am willing to learn.




I have jumped into very deep waters and now I need to learn how to swim and learn it quickly. I am not interested in drowning.


My heart is broken and I need to heal before this little human being comes to me. I don't want to hurt it but love it with all my heart and might.

I believe it is possible and I will still have a happy life.