Blame It On Hormones

 Today I would be back from Paris after the abortion. I would return to my apartment in Bangkok, put my bags down and I would know that I got rid of something that had a potential of a human life. How would I feel about it and how long for? Would I be terribly sad or relieved? Would I march myself into a shrink's office and after few sessions would I be fine and functional? What would my life be?

This I will never know.

What I know is that I'm 11 weeks pregnant and I'm keeping this human being because the only reason I wouldn't have it would be finances and I feel there are more important things in life than money only. Although, I'm sacred of not having it and not being able to provide for my child on my own. But the fact that I'm around USD 3000 short now was not good enough reason for me to have this abortion.

Would be a good reason then the fact that the baby will have no father? Those of my friends who know what's going on in my life now know as well that this 'no father' is a big issue for me. I didn't sleep an entire night last night thinking about it. I'm a reading person so whatever I'm dealing with I'm trying to tame it through literature. The same I did about being a single parent. And what a bleak picture I get from all my research! It seems that I'm doomed. Not only will I struggle financially for the rest of my life but also my child will face all host of behavioural and social issues. It all makes me want to pull my hair out.

On the other hand, I experienced a disturbed home and I know that unhappy parents are no good for children anyway. But then, at least, I had few happy moments with my father and my child will have none and.... And the whole litany goes on.

It seems that I have a trouble with making up my own mind where I stand with my own convictions and beliefs.

I will blame it on hormones.

Life Changing Experience

Few weeks ago I found out that I am pregnant. Few days before that my at that time boyfriend said that he needs to think things through, which is never a good sign. Then I found out that I am pregnant. I looked at the test in the cinema toilet and I didn't feel anything for a moment, then I let out a silly laugh. I never finished the movie I had been watching. I called a friend. The next day I tired to contact the father but I was told he didn't have time to talk to me and was asked to leave a facebook message instead. I got a reply two days later.

The guy didn't ant the child but was ready to help me to solve the problem. Filled with panic, I traveled all the way back to Europe thinking that I actually might have the abortion. I tried to talk to him but he only insisted on getting rid of it. I was devastated, I still am. I had always wanted to have children but never had imagined that I will have them alone. Well, I will have one alone as I decided not to go to the clinic.

I'm back home. I'm back to my asylum in Bangkok, that I have built with s much effort over the years and now, I will have to leave. It's a scary perspective. I will have to go back to Poland for a while and face my biggest fears and try to use all the knowledge and wisdom I have acquired over the years.  I am scared. For the first time in my life I am so scared that I can't even explain it. At the same time, I have a feeling that it will be a great personal development lesson and I am willing to learn.




I have jumped into very deep waters and now I need to learn how to swim and learn it quickly. I am not interested in drowning.


My heart is broken and I need to heal before this little human being comes to me. I don't want to hurt it but love it with all my heart and might.

I believe it is possible and I will still have a happy life.