Update

I haven't been here in such a long time! Oh my! It's been a month already! And honestly, I can't even remember what's been happening. I should probably be taking notes on daily basis to remember. Basically, life revolves around Helena, my work and training. I'm getting ready to a half-marathon now and with full-time job and with Helena, getting ready is tough. Last week we were both a bit sick so going to the gym was not an option. The week before that I took my exercise to work so that I didn't waste my time on coming back home, changing and walking to the gym. I will have to go back to it after the half-marathon is done.

Meanwhile I'm also trying to learn some French and I had a lesson with a lovely teacher. I was told that I did a great job studying myself and I was so happy speaking my broke French. The language lives with me and all I need now is to practice. All... it's not such an easy thing to organize the lessons when I only have an hour free after work. My teacher's schedule has changed and now she cna't be coming here on Fridays... I might not be able to continue with her... Life of a mom is not easy - it's very busy. 

Soon, it will be even busier - I'm going back to school in October. 

I guess then I will have to seriously prioritize - I know already that I won't be able to do all these things at the same time. Alone. I wish I could but with Helena... I have her to attend and I want to spend time with my daughter whenever I can! It's bad enough that she spends most of her waking hours with Ms. Vivien who is wonderful and carrying but who is not Helena's mom. So recently even when I run, I run. I'm running when running. It's running in a hurry. It's running with higher speed in less time. I do the intervals and started doing 15km/hr just to make my workout more efficient. How I envy those moms who have two hands to help them and somebody to take over. Though, it is what it is for now and these are the circumstances I'm in andall I can do it to look into a bright future and do my best.

Meanwhile San Fransisco is a fascinating place full of interesting activities and fun. (sic!!!) 

Helena is growing fast and almost daily she is becoming more and more independent. It will still take some time before I see put on her own clothes and wipe her own butt. She has recently mastered the art of sitting and staying in the position for longer than three seconds and falling on her side. Now she is sitting, she is anchored and she is upright. And when she is sitting like this and when I watch hep playing, I can't stop but think that it all goes so fast. The days are long but the months and years are very fast. Eight moths ago she was laying on the bed totally unaware where she was and completely helpless and now... and no she knows so much about the world already! She knows for example how to get my attention in the morning by whacking me on my face with her adorable little hand and by giving me a wettest kiss in the world which is not really a kiss yet but sucking my lips. Adorable. The world of dripping saliva and laud farts. The world of laughs and smiles so sweet that no matter how tired I am when They happen, I'm back on my feet again. Each day I love her more and more and each day we are learning each other. What an experience! Yes, I am tired. I'm sometimes so tired that I want to cry. I'm sometimes so tired that I get annoyed and I'm angry with the whole world: Olivier and other people who are not there for me and Helena as they should. And it all is ok, It;s ok to be tired as I'm doing something tiring and difficult. But... but I know deep, deep in my heart that it will all be fine and that one day I will get at least my sleep back. Or not (ha, ha, ha). Nobody knows but for my own comfort I want to believe that one day, sometimes in the future, things will settle. 

With all this, I also remember to be grateful for all I have. I've been seeing recently posts on Facebook about sick children with cancer and I just can't imagine. Lives destroyed in a second with one word: cancer. That's why I celebrate each moment with Helena remembering that we don't have it all that hard. We are surrounded by good people, we have some money, I have work which allows me to provide for myself and Helenka and we are both healthy, thank God. It's all good. 

So that's that. One day at a time. Step by step.

That was us last Sunday. Such a great weekend with my Girl!

Blame It On Hormones

 Today I would be back from Paris after the abortion. I would return to my apartment in Bangkok, put my bags down and I would know that I got rid of something that had a potential of a human life. How would I feel about it and how long for? Would I be terribly sad or relieved? Would I march myself into a shrink's office and after few sessions would I be fine and functional? What would my life be?

This I will never know.

What I know is that I'm 11 weeks pregnant and I'm keeping this human being because the only reason I wouldn't have it would be finances and I feel there are more important things in life than money only. Although, I'm sacred of not having it and not being able to provide for my child on my own. But the fact that I'm around USD 3000 short now was not good enough reason for me to have this abortion.

Would be a good reason then the fact that the baby will have no father? Those of my friends who know what's going on in my life now know as well that this 'no father' is a big issue for me. I didn't sleep an entire night last night thinking about it. I'm a reading person so whatever I'm dealing with I'm trying to tame it through literature. The same I did about being a single parent. And what a bleak picture I get from all my research! It seems that I'm doomed. Not only will I struggle financially for the rest of my life but also my child will face all host of behavioural and social issues. It all makes me want to pull my hair out.

On the other hand, I experienced a disturbed home and I know that unhappy parents are no good for children anyway. But then, at least, I had few happy moments with my father and my child will have none and.... And the whole litany goes on.

It seems that I have a trouble with making up my own mind where I stand with my own convictions and beliefs.

I will blame it on hormones.