Waiting for a Baby To Arrive and After

No, no. Not mine. My baby is out already and soon we will celebrate a year together. Many of my friends, though, have become first time moms now or are expecting a baby in next nine months. When I talk to them, it takes me back a year ago to these months preceding Helena's arrival.

The first three months were not very happy. They were downright miserable and sad, and it took me time to make a decision that enough crying was enough. When I listen to my friends and how happy they are in these first months, I feel jealous a bit... but also happy that they don't have to go through what I did. I feel happy that they have partners and families who stand next to them and I am happy that they will be taken care of. It's such a special time and going through it alone is not fun. So, I'm happy that they won't have to.

Certainly, being pregnant alone didn't kill me. Helena was born healthy and beautiful. I survived the labor. Happy ending. I will never forget, though. And I think I will never really forgive. 

No, I'm sure my expecting friends are reading tons about becoming a parent. Please, stop. Now. From what I remember - becoming a parent these days is being presented as a massive disaster, actually. I really hate it! 

Yes, it is difficult, sure. Yes, you will not sleep for a while and you will be tired but it's not the end of the world if you have a partner to help you or anybody to help you, really. 

No, you don't have to take your child to the bathroom with you, as some suggest because you can't put it down. Put it down. It will cry, it will cry. It doesn't kill. You have to address your own needs as well and your child has to learn that you are not a slave to anyone. Helena, my daughter, is being reminded of it daily. When I get ready for work, I put her in her cot and I tell her that now she will have to stay with herself because I have to take a shower and get ready. Initially she protested, of course. But I gently remind her that I need showers and I need to get ready so she has to suck it up. And she does. Now, she will scream sometimes but mostly she has accepted that her staying by herself and me showering is a part of the routine. The bathroom door is open, she sees me, we talk but I shower as long as I want and she waits for me.

I read somewhere that there is no time for cooking and I should be prepared for ordering takeaways all the time. No, no, and no!!! I cook all the time. I cook for three days sometimes, in big batches but I cook and a takeaway apprears very rarely on my table. The nanny helps, sure. When Olivier was here, it was even easier since he is a great chef and our dinner were fantastic. But even when I am alone, again, I put Helena away and I tell her that it's time for me to prepare food and I need this time because I need to be healthy. She screamed maybe sometimes, and sometimes I have to pick her up and stop chopping up veggies but I put her donw, and go back to cooking and she knows that it's important. I'm nobodys's slave.

The same goes for working out. I come back from work, I work full time and with lots of guilt, yes, but I put on my running shoes and I go for a run. I tell Helena that it's important and that after I will have all the time for her. The Nanny leaves at 5 so around this time I have to be done with everything for the day if I want to be with Helena for another two hours before she goes to sleep.

Also, you don't have to wear your yoga pants all the time. Kids will wait for you to change your clothes and if not, then it means that you taught them otherwise. If they cry when you do your things, let them cry. They will get used to it eventually. I think.

I tell Helena that my needs are as important as hers and if I'm happy, she will be happy too. It's like on the plane, right? I can only help her when my oxygen mask is on.

So, my friends, don't worry. You will be fine. Life will be different and hectic but you can manage. Especially when you are on a maternity leave and with the help you will be getting from your partners and families.

And for now, now just relax and enjoy this special time waiting for your special baby, she or he will be in your arms sooner than you expect.

 

Three More Months

I feel like the time has accelerated these days and days are blending one with another. That might be the shortest nine months of my life. 

We've made it through about 180 days already. It's been a very turbulent time but things are looking up for us and I'm getting more and more comfortable with the thought that I will be a mom. Sure, I still have no idea what the future holds but as long as we are both healthy, I believe everything is possible. I have lots of support from people from all over the place and I support myself as well. 

We are entering the third trimester today. I'm going to see the doctor today and see Her as well. I haven't chosen the name yet and it seems like such a difficult task. There are thousands of those names that I like and I'm lost in them. Perhaps, I will know what to call her once she is out. 

As the labor date approaches, I'm getting more and more anxious about it. Soon I will have a meeting with a doula who lives in Bangkok and who kindly offered me her help in introducing me to the labor proceedings. It's scary. Words like dilation are new to me, they sound quite scary , unfamiliar and quite painful. I take some comfort in thinking that so many women before me have done it and survived but I'm not sure if I fully understand what is going to happen and how it's going to hurt. Oh well, soon enough I will know. 

I still have three moths to go. Three  months of a mental and physical preparation. Mentally, I'm coaching myself in thinking that things will work out - I have resources, I have myself and good people around me - a necessary combination of things. I want to make it happen for her and for myself. My life doesn't finish in September - it's a new opening. Physically, I train and exercise as much as possible. Thankfully, my body feels fit and strong, and I really hope it will stay like this till the very day of the delivery. I'm very consistent with my food and diet, which makes my very proud of myself. I know how to look after myself, I know what I need and hopefully I will know what my daughter will need in physically and mentally.

And it's all going to materialize in three months. 90 days. Bring it on!!!

550g

550g of a human being dwells in my body. 550g that is turning my life up-side-down. 

I went to a doctor today. We are both healthy - she is healthy and kicking, I'm healthy and running, walking and eating well so that when she's out some heatly habits are already in place. Ha! I wish it was that easy. 

I must admit that when I read things in books, things written by mother for mothers, by doctors for mothers, I get a feeling sometimes that these materials are there to scare me even more and give me a bigger headache. I am freaking out and I don't need more so I sometimes think that those publications exadurate the pains of parenthood but then... I think that they probably don't and what is presented is just an honest account of what will become my reality in four months.

Four months!!! And counting. I have a calendar on the wall in which like a prisoner I cross out the days. It seems that I won't be able to do all the things I wanted to do before she arrives like: learning fluent French and Hindi, going to India, learning yoga, becoming a marathon runner and doing my masters. And some more... The good thing is that come to think about it, I can do most of these things when She is here if I won't go crazy first.

But first things first... 

First I have to push out this litte body, which still seems to me more like si-fi than a fact of life. I still want to believe that a stork will drop Her at my doorstep and that will be it. Dream on.

As I'm already here, I'd like to thank all the people around the world who send me the words of courage. I think I've never been in more a need of feeling that the world around me is with me. I feel it and I'm very grateful. Thank you!!!