Non, je ne regrette rien.

My pregnancy didn't start nicely. I cam back from Paris heart-broken and disappointed. I didn't know what to do, how to do it... I knew I was pregnant and that in few months everything was about to change. I knew that I didn't want to have an abortion not because I am against it but because it didn't feel like a right choice for me. I also didn't know if I can raise Helena by myself. Million questions and doubts, no answers.   I was scared. I was so scared. I spent countless sleepless nights crying - feeling horrible, blaming myself for everything. I hated myself and I was my worst enemy. I was going crazy. I was working but if somebody asked me what I was doing at work, I wouldn't be able to tell. I was there, I tried to do some good and it worked but how... I have no idea really. I was a zombie.

It took me three months of vegetating, mourning and hating myself to wake up one day to a decision that enough was enough. I had a choice to either honour this time or ruin it and look back later in the future at this time and regret that I hadn't been able to love myself and Helena enough to look after the two of us. I made a decision that from then on, I would be my best friend, the one who supports and loves. I said no to the critical vice that tried to convince me that I was stupid, worthless, naive girl. It's been attacking me ever since, of course, but I've gotten better and better at ignoring and treating it more like a background noise in the mall - after a while you don't even realize that the music still plays. So that morning, I made a commitment to myself that I would fight for Ania and Helena. I would be healthy and present for the two of us. Yes, it would be hard but I realized that didn't have to make it harder for myself. I needed to be in my won team and help myself and not sabotage my efforts. I could either be miserable or content and I chose the latter.

I went back to the gym. I've been training for all this time: a bit of running, walking, weights, swimming, whatever felt good. It's been the longest training ever - the one for the body and mind. I've looked after my food and made sure that I was not overeating, though few times I surely stuffed my mouth with cake and pizza... but I made sure that that would happen only few times. Looking after my body resulted in a very easy pregnancy - all the things I was so afraid of never happened: my doctor thinks I'm downright a boring case - she gives me vitamins only (thank god!) My body has been cooperating with me  and I'm so grateful to it for that. I've been feeling fantastic and, what is weird, very womanly or even sexy, I dare say. Here is the result.

Along with the body comes mind and here the work has proved to be a bit harder but it is happening and I'm very supported by people around me. Mostly, I'm optimistic. There are moments when I worry but I don't wake up in the middle of the  night any more (unless they are dreams about my family), short of breath and  sweated thinking that I'm hurting Helena by bringing her to to the world without making sure that her dad is there for her. One thing is that her Dad has contacted me and we've been talking ever since and that gives me some hope she will get to know him, the other thing is that I cannot account for Olivier's decisions. No more guilt there. I've also stopped obsessing about her college tuition and all the things that theoretically I'm not able to afford. Now, I can't buy them now but who knows what the future holds - there is quite a lot of potential at the place where I work, so why the hell would I not be able to give Helena things she will need? And of top of it all she doesn't need things now, she needs a present and loving mother, the rest is not really important. As I don't know the future, I only can do everything I can to make things happen. And if they don't, I will know that I've tried and find solutions to problems when they occur. Today we have no problems. Today is good and filled with love from the world and people around us.

This combination of body and mind work resulted in more peace.  Of course I am scared and anxious but not panicked any more. I'm well looked after and so is Helena by me and by other people around me. We are in good hands.

When I look back to those grim days in February when I was walking the streets of Paris in tears and thinking that I should not be, I'm proud of myself that I decided, after all, to stay and do what I felt was right. And though I don't know what the future holds, closing this chapter, I am happy to look back and say after Edit Piaff "Non, je ne regrette rien." Hopefully, next parts of the story will prove to be equally regretless.

550g

550g of a human being dwells in my body. 550g that is turning my life up-side-down. 

I went to a doctor today. We are both healthy - she is healthy and kicking, I'm healthy and running, walking and eating well so that when she's out some heatly habits are already in place. Ha! I wish it was that easy. 

I must admit that when I read things in books, things written by mother for mothers, by doctors for mothers, I get a feeling sometimes that these materials are there to scare me even more and give me a bigger headache. I am freaking out and I don't need more so I sometimes think that those publications exadurate the pains of parenthood but then... I think that they probably don't and what is presented is just an honest account of what will become my reality in four months.

Four months!!! And counting. I have a calendar on the wall in which like a prisoner I cross out the days. It seems that I won't be able to do all the things I wanted to do before she arrives like: learning fluent French and Hindi, going to India, learning yoga, becoming a marathon runner and doing my masters. And some more... The good thing is that come to think about it, I can do most of these things when She is here if I won't go crazy first.

But first things first... 

First I have to push out this litte body, which still seems to me more like si-fi than a fact of life. I still want to believe that a stork will drop Her at my doorstep and that will be it. Dream on.

As I'm already here, I'd like to thank all the people around the world who send me the words of courage. I think I've never been in more a need of feeling that the world around me is with me. I feel it and I'm very grateful. Thank you!!!

Another Saturday

A productive day compared to previous eight Saturdays which I spent mostly crying. I cried today as well a bit but for rather positive reasons, they were tears of joy in other words.

I still don't know who I will survive and what will happen to us but I'm ignoring this fact and instead I'm thinking about more pleasant things like reading, and painting, and swimming and working out. 

I hit the gym and the pool today and did all prenatal exercises I could remember from youtube - there are tones of them and some of the working out mothers-to-be are really fit and look amazing! I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone - just to myself that it's possible to stay fit even when the times are not perfect and a situation is far from comfortable. I have this routine and it helps me a lot now. I might have few days of a break but I know that eventually I will be back on the bike and on the mat. And my, it feels so good to be able to move those limbs. It feels so good to be fit! And I hope it feels good for the Little one as well. I hope it will like moving around because move around we will a lot. We have a pool here, there is a communal park with a running path, and a pool. So all I need is a proper carrier for the baby and I'm ready to go. Hopefully, the Little one shares my enthusiasm. Well, initially, it won't have too much of a choice. I will move wherever I am and since I'm the only parent, it will have to follow. Though.

I was thinking the other day that maybe, to ease the pain later, I should start practicing getting up in the middle of the night so that later it's not such a shock for the system. Or not? Anyone out there with parenting experience? Anyone would like to share anything with me? Is actually anyone reading this? Like ever?

Let me know. I would love to hear from you.

When?

When will I be normal again? When will I get back to the normal person I know; the the one who is needy and clingy butt he one who is independent and thinks that everything is possible and it's enough to believe? Where is my trust in the universe now when I need it so much? 

The fact is that I need a hug now more than anything else. A hug and an assurance that I'm wanted somewhere even if single and with a baby. I might underestimate my family and whatever I'm writing here might not be true but I need their support now more than anything else in the world and I need to hear that I can come back and be safe, that we can go and the umprella will be streatched above us and we will be fine. 

I feel like I'm already disappointing this child by not being able to celebrate it in the way it deserves to be celebrated. Instead, I sit and cry and worry, and feel down and worried and ugly, hopeless and sad. Worse than a zombie. 

I sit for hours on end on Facebook as if I was supposed to find any answers there, scroll up and sown and pretend that it gives me any comfort. I check my email box three houndred times a day thinking that maybe I will find a message from the Almighy there telling me that it will all be good. 

I bother my friends talking about the same for the zillonth time, telling them how shitty I'm feeling.

I bother myslef all over again. 

I'm sabotaging my work - I'm supposed to work and instead I sit and stare at the wall when in the classroom. I feel like behind the wall except from when I have a freind around, a human being I can feel and talk to. But then I hate myself for talking about the same all over again.

I've had very little compassion for myself these days: lots of accusations, lots of judgements but very little hugs from myself... It's so difficult to be good to myself. Except for a gym. I still go to the gym and at least this way I can care for myslef a bit.

I didn't sleep properly lat night again. I dread tonight and following nights. I want the earth to open and swollow me but I know that it's not going to happen now. I know that now nothing will happen to me because this is the lesson I'm supposed to receive and nothing will swallow me before I experience it all from a to z.

When will I be normal again?

Wow!!!

I finally found a way to the doctor's office today if just to find out whether I will be able to fly to Poland in June.

So I saw the doctor and asked him to repeat the ultrasound I had done in a clinic in Paris. At that time the image didn't make any impression on me. It was very poor quality and its aim was just to position the fetus. Nothing really impressive. I saw a black hole with something white and that was it.

Today was different.

I saw a human being. It didn't speak to me, or didn't show any sign that  it knew what was going on but I was still impressed. Whoever it is, they already have a heart, head, tiny arms and legs. And we are connected with the umbilical cord, which is quite impressive as well. All of it was jaw dropping. I got of the chair laughing, then I shed few tears and laughed again - crazy hormones!

I had a breakdown last night. I was on the phone with my friends back home. I was hysterical. Did I make a right choice? Will I be able to do it financially and emotionally? Will I be able to love it? Countless questions and not a single certain answer. It drives me crazy that nobody is able to give me a straight answer to anything now - hormones again mixed with my frustration about being out of control. tears, tears, a whole salty sea of tears. 'I'm scared', I would repeat, "I'm so scared." And I still am but something changed today. Of one thing I am finally sure: that whoever resides there, I will love it.

Wow!!!