I'm Loving It

There are moments when I'm not. Especially in the middle of the night, just when I have to go to work in the morning or at 4:30 in the morning when Helena decides that the night is over and it's time to play.  Then I'm not loving it so much, this whole thing called being a mom. Then all the reason is gone, fast asleep and the only thing I want is to be asleep as well.  But these moments are rare, thank goodness, so on the balance sheet I love it more often than I don't. 

If it's not 4:30 in the morning, I love being woken up by this little human climbing on top of my head, puling my hair out, sticking her fingers into my ears and nose, and giving me the biggest and the brightest smile in the world. The day's started, Mom!!! I'm here!!! I love you!!! And a big smile, just like this. Not because I've done anything special, not because it's a special day - a big smile that conveys the joy of life, the bliss, the happiness of just being. 

And then we cuddle. Helena crawls to a fan and plays around with the buttons, on and off, on and off. The we cuddle some more. I do the monkey, or a puppy and a kitty, she smiles more or even laughs. I laugh back and then together on all four  we crawl to the kitchen to put the kettle on for coffee. (I spend most of my time now on my four with Helena crawling like her looking at the world from the floor perspective).

We play, we go swimming, we eat... we have some time apart as well when Helena sleeps and I do my own things, or when she is with her nanny and I can go to the gym or read/learn something... but it's always such a pleasure to go back to her and her smile, and jovial personality. We go to a park to see some other kids and just lay on the grass, or rather crawl on it or look into the sky.

When the night comes, we have already the whole ritual figured out: shower, bottle, sleep and it's getting better and better. Helena is out - she falls asleep in my arms. Her little body relaxes in my arms, I sing her a lullaby, she find her comfort and drifts safely away. I kiss her head thousand times, her soft her tickles my lips. I feel her smell. It's all wonderful 

I'm more than aware that those moments will pass. Helena will not be a baby for a long time and that's why I'm trying to enjoy her babyhood and be present as much as I can.  Here and now is the most important. And here and now is good. I'm not impressed with her father and how he left and how he doesn't care to chip in  the finances claiming that Helena has no expenses. He said he had declared his readiness to help and he had till I said I wasn't going to the States. So what was the best to punish me? Money! He will tell me that he has got the right to see Helena - sure! But with the rights come responsibilities and these have been recently neglected on the father's side. As if also I was asking for a fortune! Shame! As I was asking for money for shoes and bags! And the court will decide! Blah, blah, blah... We are again abandoned and I can't take it any more. So what was the purpose of coming here in the first place? On the bright side, his family are very attentive and call Helena regularly have offered help! But I cringe because Helena has a father who should help, not the family. I also regret that we can't do it together. Very much! It's not only about the money but as we can't do it otherwise, Helena should be getting financial assistance from her father BY THE LAW! I'm not asking about anything else. By the law both parents are supposed to financially support the child. BOTH PARENTS as much as they can. BOTH. And since the two DNA tests, Helena has had a father. So like it o not, we are both in it and not because I had insisted on his presence. O. came to Helena's life as his own decision ready to be the father. Or was he? I'm not writing this to discredit Helena's dad - he was great with her, he helped a lot, and I'm sure he loves her, I have no doubts but he tends to treat me like nothing, or at least it feels like this, and after all that we've been through, it feels very fucking unfair.

Apart from that... We are good. I am good and in love. In love with this little girl of mine. I look at her in her sleep and I swear that I she is the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen. 

I'm loving it.

Temptation

His mobile on the desk: black, beautifully shining - all mine, for the whole hour or more. The door closed. What do I do? Do I do the same thing and have a look? Do I want to know? And what do I want to know? So what do I do?  Ahhh, and it's so shiny and sleek, and is begging me to take it in my hand. "Do it!", "Do it!", I hear. 

I have a choice. Yield to the temptation or ignore it and stay away from what will drive me crazy. I can do the same thing all over again but I already know it doesn't work. I will only end up with a knot in my stomach, feeling guilty and slightly mad. What for then am I reading all these books about self development and improvement? What for am I watching talks about accountability, trust and letting go? Have I learnt anything or am I just pretending that I'm growing? My body feels tense, I feel sick, my hands are shaking. "Do it!", "Do it!", whispers one voice. The other one, a friendly one, a gentle one says: "Don't. It's not worth it, you will achieve nothing, you will just feel horrible afterwards. Just sit down and relax."

So what do I do?

I take a deep breath and walk away. I sit down and start conjugating  French verbs: I feel more relaxed, my mind wanders away from the desk. Then Helena wakes up and smiles at me with a smile that takes me to heaven. All is peaceful, all is calm. No need to pretend, no need to lie. My stomach feels fine and my hands aren't shaking any more. And I know I will be able to sleep well- guilt-free. Yay!!!

 Everything is a choice. Being decent is a choice. Not driving oneself mad is a choice. Making a choice is a choice.