A Difficult Month

I'm reading "Chinese Cinderella and the Secret Dragon Society" with my students. The main character, Ye Xian, looses her mother when she is a girl and her father soon finds himself a woman who becomes a dreaded stepmother - hence the Cinderella connection. Good readers we use strategies to understand the text better: we make connections with the world outside, with our own experiences and other books. In today's chapter, Ye Xian emotionally falls apart in front of her future society brothers and tells them about her misery and pain related to her mother's death. 

I was not a little girl when I lost my mother and I didn't have a stepmother but I understand the excruciating pain a child feels loosing a parent. I told my students that I understand Ye Xian's tears because five years ago I lost my own mother. 

Although a lot of time has passed, I remember everything about her.  I remember her smell. I remember her voice, I can hear it in my head. I remember how she walked. I remember the shape of her fingernails and the texture of her hair. I remember her body shape. I remember her laughs and her tears. 

Oh, how I miss her!

October is a difficult month: each year around this tie I feel her absence even more. When it's really hard I ask her if she is somewhere around and sees me and I hear the voice that tells me that she has never left anywhere. 

I miss her. 

I have flashbacks and see scenes from our life: I see her dancing: there was a time when my house was full of laughter and joy. My parents loved having people around and every weekend there was somebody around: families, friends. I see her laughing and dancing with my father. Then I see her sitting in a chair with her cigarette drinking coffee in the morning on a terrace. Many times I would join her. 

How things can go wrong!

Guilt! I have a lot of guilt inside as well. I will not write more about it here but it's there and often I need to face these difficult emotions so that they it doesn't eat me up. I have hole in my heart.

I'm trying to leave my life as well as I can. I have my up and down, and I'm surely far from being very pleased with myself. But I'm trying. I'd like to look back one day and feel that it is possible to have a 'normal life' even after such a horrible tragedy as a suicide in the family but I'm failing so often...

And then I miss her even more... She would always tell me: if not you, then who? She believed that I have a potential to become successful but...

October is a difficult month. 

I was not a little girl when I lost my mother and I didn't have an evil stepmother but I understand the excruciating pain a child feels loosing a parent.

Goodbye and See You

I was gutted yesterday when we were saying final goobyes to Ms Vivien - our beloved nanny, the primary caretaker of Helena. 

Ms Vivien has stayed with us for seven months and from the first moment we met she's been loyal and caring employee. It's even difficult to think about her as of an employee - she has become a part of our little family. 

Whenever she could - she would help. I needed to go to the immigration - she would come earlier. I needed a day off - she would take Helena for a night. I needed her to stay longer - no problem. I was sick - she would stay with me and look after Helena when I couldn't take care of her.

She looked after Helena but also Ms Vivien looked after me and made sure that I was fine. 

Ms Vivien is a great character. She is funny and robust, her personality is bigger than the world and she just fills the room with positive energy and happiness. She knows every song in the English language, she would sing them to Helena to sleep. She loves dancing and just monkeying around - and monkeying we did a lot! 

I will miss these laughs and countless peek-a-boos! I will miss her voice and laughter that I would hear already at the foot of the corridor. I heard Miss Vivien laughing and with her Helena would burst in seams. He was in the best hands in the world.

It will be different now. 

Thank you Miss Vivien for your time and commitment to Helena. You love her like you love your own children and I'm sure you planted a seed of unconditional love in Helena's heart. Thank you for being with here when I couldn't. Thank you for being with me when I had worse days and for talking to me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I wish you all the best and I hope to see you very soon.

Briefly

Oh, it's been a long time since I was here last time.

If there is anybody here reading this non regular basis, I'm sorry for my absence. Well, partly because I don't know really my readership, I tend to think that this website is really for me and really few people have a look.

Anyway....

The whole narration stopped with me and Helena going away to France to meet the French part of the family. We were not planning to meet with Olivier at that time and so you can only imagine my surprise when he showed up at the airport. I welcomed his appearance with a mixture of joy and annoyance since I didn't know what to expect. We hadn't been really talking before that. I could have been miserable and angry but instead I decided to embrace the situation and have fun. I wanted to have a good holiday for myself and Helena. My motherly heart was happy Helena was with her father, my womanly heart healed enough not to care too much about the presence of O.

And so we spent what turned up to be a lovely holiday with each other and the French family.

Everybody was super nice and open and we were woven into the family fabric in no time. Not even once had I a feeling that it something was awkward. We had a royal reception.

We spent few days by the ocean, few days in the French coutry side, few days in the capital. I ate cheese and drank wine and ate more cheese and French bread. I came back heavier but ohhhh, French food just can't be resisted. Well, it can - but what's the point then in going to France?!

We came back after two weeks of this social and culinary indulgence and right away I plunged into work. The school year started immediately.

Dad

It's your birthday tomorrow and I've been trying to reach you almost for a week now. When you called me, I was with Helena. I didn't hear... And now you're not answering. 

And I'm scared. 

I know you are alone. No, you are not alone. You are with your best friend: a bottle.

Hello?! Are you there? The voice mail again. My heart skips the beat when I hear your voice. I'm fully aware that it might be the last time I hear it. Or the only time that I hear it. 

I would like to talk to you. But... but what will I tell you? Will I tell you that I'm worried? Will I tell you that it makes me sick to think how you are wasting you life? What are we going to talk about? 

Hello?! Can you hear me? No, you cannot. You never had. I've asked you so many times! I begged you. We all did, You can't hear me from here. You wouldn't hear me even if I were in the same room screaming on top of my lungs that I love you. Even if I gave up my own life, it wouldn't change anything. One person already have. 

You want to die. I know that. You are slowly killing yourself. You don't want to live any more. You gave up. And what is the legacy you are leaving behind? What is that I will remember?! What are the lessons?! Have you ever thought about it?! 

On Friday I'm flying to Europe.  I will not come to see you. I wish I could but I won't. I promised myself that I will not bring Helena to this energy. I told you about it many times. I don't want to be in this energy, though I do feel guilty about it. I'm protecting myself and I feel guilty. You are my father, after all. I should! But I won't. I might never see you again. But it's your choice. You chose to drink, you chose to be like this. I know you are lonely. I am as well. Trust me. I feel your pain. You'd tell me that I'm still young and have things to look forward to and that's why I can't understand what you are going through. Believe me, I do. Each day I struggle as well with demons. Each day, I'm fighting for myself and now also for Helena. Each day I have to make a choice. And sometimes I slip. And I do feel abandoned by my own father. By the man who was supposed to be my anchor, my safe place, my rock. There is nothing. A huge void, darkness and emptiness... there is only a memory of a man who is no more. I can't live all my life off this memory. 

I feel sorry for you, for myself and for all of us that we have to live through in this madness. I feel sorry for wasted lives that cannot be returned. I feel sorry and sad. 

I will try to call you again tomorrow and the day after, and then the day after that. 

Please, answer.

Getting ready!

Like a prisoner I'm counting the days.  Six more! Six more, two flights and hopefully we will arrive in Paris safely and not too perplexed. 

Few last weeks were hard. The work, Helena and my own life balance have been hard to maintain and the only thing that I really felt most of the time was that I need to sleep. Most of the time I felt that I needed to sleep and if I finally were able to sleep, I think I would not wake up for a month. Very low energy. Many times I felt that there was nothing there to give: not to myself, not to Helena, not to my students... I would do things but without a spark. I would do things but without really having any fun from doing them. I'm feeling a bit better and the trip on the horizon makes me feel even more hopeful.

I was debating myself if I should go home this holiday. My dad isn't well. He is so deep in his addiction that he doesn't see anything any more. He only wants his bottle that lets him forget about everybody and everything, that lets him slowly kill himself. My heart breaks on this thought. I remember the man he used to be and now I'm so scared to see him destroyed and defeated. I haven't seen him in ages. He never skypes me. He rarely receives any phone calls. He cuts himself off. He is lonely and alcohol fills the void. I feel sorry for him and I wish I could do something for him. I wish I could go there and talk to him and he would listen and get better but too many times I've been disappointed. Too many times he lied to me for me to believe that this time it would be otherwise. I would love to see my brothers and my whole family but I need to recharge my own batteries as well. I've been feeling week myself these days and I need a safe place where I can rest. In Poland I won't get it. I would come back to Bangkok more tired and sad if I went home. Home is not my safe place. It hasn't been for a long time already. 

So we are going to France only. Perhaps we can spend Christmas in Poland but that will depend on many things.

We will spend a wonderful time together and we will meet Helena's family who seems lovely. They are so looking forward to meeting her! I couldn't be happier for her. At least this much I can do for her and take her to them. 

My communication with Olivier is very limited. Actually we don't talk to each other at all and if we do, we exchange information about Helena and even this is very short. I guess we don't have anything to say to each other any more and none of us wants to pretend that we are friends.

I'm so looking forward next week! 

Today

Today was Saturday. Today I spent most of my day with Helena. Helena. My Light. What a little girl she is! What a bubbly personality, what a gentle character! I can't get enough of her. And this laughter! It's amazing what things crack he up: it might be my gesture and she starts laughing, or something I've said and she wants me to repeat it. Today, she was lifting her t-shirt asking me to kiss her belly all over again. And then she wanted to swing upside-down, head down and I was supposed to kiss her neck. Ten time,s twenty, maybe more. And all this garnished with salves of laughter. When Helena laughs, the whole world laughs. We laugh, we play, we sing, we dance, we chase each other from one room to another and back. I love being a child again!!!

Being a child, however, evokes memories of my parents. I miss my parents. I miss my mom and my dad. One is not here any more. The other does everything he can to end his life - the thought I cannot stand. I think of them very often. We were close once. We were a family once. And then something went terribly wrong. Terribly wrong. It awes me how terribly wrong it all went. It awes me how people can get lost and never find a way out. I hope that I will never get that lost. I hope I will never lose hope and love for life. I hope I will remember that possibly there is someone out there who cares about me and this person is worth living for if not myself. I hope I will never lose love for myself. I hope I will never want to destroy myself this or another way. 

It was Father's Day. I didn't call. Not that I didn't want to. I did and I didn't. What would I talk about? Would I have to pretend again that nothing is happening? Would I try to be understanding again? Or would I loose it and yell in the receiver: it's been almost ten months and you haven't seen your granddaughter!!!! It hurts me so much! I'm the only woman left in this family and he doesn't give a flying fuck. It hurts me and makes me angry. It makes me want to scream and throw myself at him with my fists. I know things hurt him as well. I know. But now I don't give a shit because he is the father. He was supposed to be my rock, my guide, my safe place but chose to be one I wanted to run away from. And ran away I did. I took the pain. I'm so angry! Such a waste of life!!! Such a waste! Such a waste of time. 

The other father is absent as well. This one chose to be absent too! I'm living on the planet of absent me.

Absent men. 

We play and laugh, and we chase each other around. We love each other. I love this girl more than anybody in the world. I love her more than I could possibly expect I can love. For her I need not get lost, for her I need to be present, for her I need to put the past in the past, work through difficult emotions and move on.

J-23

In twenty three days we are going to France to meet Helena's family. I cannot wait. Not only it will be a well-deserved holiday for me but most of all it'll be a great opportunity to connect Helena with Olivier's relatives. The seem to be very nice people. They call us every week and make sure that they keep in touch with Helena. They love her and I can feel that. She is so much looked forward to be met. I'm so happy! We will spend 14 days in France: 10 with Olivier's mom and 4 in Paris. 

This time the trip to Paris will be soooo much different. 

I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to going back to the place where I've opened a new chapter of my life. I will take Helena for a walk and show her all the meaningful places including Rue D'Aix - I'm sure. I will have a look into that window. I will take Helena to the Eiffel Tower and to the Chapms Elysees.  I might even sing a song. I will have a baguette and hot chocolate. I will go to a restaurant where I spend a lot of time thinking. I will have a coffee on a terrace and I will enjoy. I will enjoy these moments with my Little Girl, with my Petite Parisiene. Oh, we will have a great time!!!

I'm feeling better in my head today. Better than last Friday when I really ran out of energy. 

Some consolation I found in going on a date! Yeah! I went on a date on Saturday. I'd been planing this for a long time but something had always come in a way - usually lack of money really. This time, however, I thought that I need to go out to people or I would go nuts. And so I'd been talking to this gentleman for a while and we decided that it was a good idea to have some fun. And we did. And it was very nice. 

Helena stayed at home with the nanny and was very brave about it. Even she thought, I think, that it was time. I can't be so isolated from the rest of the world and having a little baby does this to one - isolate.

It was a bit unnerving but went good. Very good indeed. I had a great time which taught me that maybe, perhaps, despite the fact that I am a mom, maybe there will be still someone for me. Not this one but this one reminded me that I still can be attractive to a man, that even though I'm not the easiest to date, it still can be done when organized properly. So yay!!! 

I met Helena on Sunday with new energy! I missed her but I was happy to be away for some time and I was happy to be back. Balance.