Bonjour!

It's me, Ania. I'm still in France. Still in Belgentier, still with Helena and Olivier. Happier!!!

It's been a long time since I was here last time and not because time in Belgentier has been  uneventful. Oh, no, no, no! It's been a very eventful, roller-coaster like time. A long adjustment to a new life, a turbulent time when I had to learn how to live in a new country, operate in a new language and live in a drastically new way. I'm still learning and still adjusting - I start to believe that because of my age, it takes more time get used to things.

Though all of this seemed many times impossible and I swear more than once I wanted to pack my suitcase and go, I stayed. We stayed. I'm sure that Olivier's had also moments when he wanted me to pack my bags and close the door on the other side as I'm not the easiest person to live with. But we've stayed and I'm grateful for that. Many challenges are still ahead of us but the more I'm here, the more I believe that we can make it into a story with a happy ending. I've learnt that so much depends on me and my attitude and that the other person cannot possibly do everything for me. At 35 it's high time I learnt that. For a quite a long time my attitude was quite rotten, I must say. I am learning from Olivier each day new attitudes towards life, business and relationship and though these lessons are hard and unpleasant at times, they open my eyes and give me lots of food for thought. After all, maybe my way is not always the best.

If anyone is following this blog anymore... know that I'm doing fine, Helena is great and we will be here more often.

Back to Europe 2

It's been over six months since I'm back to Europe. Being back feels good but it's hard and it sucks at times as well. I know... hard - it seems I can't write about much more than when things are hard. Once Olivier told me that it's a very sad blog that I have here and I tried and tried to sit and pour out some joy on these pages but somehow when I'm joyful the last thing I want to do is to sit in fro of the computer and write about it. I prefer to experience it and be in this feeling moment of happiness since I know that gloom is just right around the corner. 

It's a blog about a struggle. Fine. So it will be like this.

I'm back in Europe. 

France.

Close to the French Rivera....

Oh, everybody's dream.

It's so quiet and peaceful that one might get crazy, really. Ohm Bangkok, how much I miss you sometimes! I was annoyed by the traffic, I was annoyed by reckless drivers and the fact that there was no green space but oh, how I wish I could get stranded in a jam for an hour or so and watch the life going by through the taxi window! At least once a week. Please.... I know... Life over there wasn't easy and perhaps with more limitations than here. Here the only thing that is still in the way of feeling a bit of freedom is a driving license, which I passed but I still can't be on the road because of the insurance issues. I'm inexperienced driver and the insurers want to suck out each and every last euro out of us to pay for the coverage. Needless to say, we don;t want to give them our dough, I'd rather spend it on books for Helena or me.  But, I will pay whatever it takes, really, to be behind the wheel and be able to go shopping by myself without anyone's assistance. Oh, how much I miss being all by myself in a shopping mall sipping my latte and reading my newspaper. Here.... there is no Starbucks here! The closest one is in Marseilles at the airport and it is disgusting! I went there twice and both times I wanted to damp my coffee the moment I tasted it. Plus, the place itself was repulsive with trash piling up on tables to the view of oblivious servants too overwhelmed with two customers at the counter. So no Starbucks for me. 

So I am close to the French Rivera but locked away in the camping. The place itself is great and I am happy to be here but like every person, I need some of my own space and I don'r have it at the moment, which drives me crazy. 

I also miss people. I don't have any friends here yet just for a simple reason that I don't meet people. 

I signed up for a stretching, pilates and yoga in the village.  Very good courses and fantastic teacher but the audience in 50+ and not really a material for people I will hang out with.  Bottom line, I need to get out. But then... get out where? Where do people meet? At work! But my work is here in the camping and I don't think that is going to change any tie soon. people meet in pubs and restaurants but when I go a restaurant I go with Helena and Olivier - not exactly a situation lending itself to meeting new folks. Oh....Sometimes I think... was it a good idea to move at all?

Again, just like in Canada few years ago, I have to start from the beginning. Oh, I started in Thailand as well but there it was easy, peasy with the availability of the job. I came, I started working... here it's a bit of a different story. We finished the season and... there is not so much work for me. Plus, I don't know French as well as to work in an office. Online teaching? I have finally landed a job offer and what? The internet connection in this forsaken place is not strong enough to smoothly connect with China... and that pissed me off sooo much! I want to work, I want to contribute but I can't because of the freaking internet signal that is weaker than what I used to have in Cambodia. 

Olivier thinks that I'm wasting my days and maybe he is right but for now I have no idea what else I could do. I have no idea. I get up, I work out, I'm trying to stay on the surface and I mean it... I sometimes think I might be even mildly depressed: I have moments when I just cry my eyes out feeling so useless, unloved and unnecessary. Oh, stop complaining and find something! Yes, but what? What am I looking for? I have no idea!

And so this is how it is be back. No easy and that what  this blog is about - my life that at times is not easy.

Something Positive

We landed over three months ago and it wasn't a soft landing - the dates got confused and after 17 hours in the air, we needed to wait another 4 at the airport in Marseille. I wanted to scream and kick and not get on that plane at all. But I did and I waited. And we eventually met.

It was the beginning of May.The weather wasn't too bad but it wasn't spectacular either. Nothing was really spectacular at that time.

We spent over a week in a mobile home on the camping. It was cold, it was uncomfortable. I missed my Bangkok apartment already. On top of that all it turned out that Belgentier is kind of in the middle of nowhere and I was stuck. No driving license here means that I am cut off the civilization and depended on Olivier who didn't have time to drive me around which drove me crazy. There was a lot of shouting and crying. There were another reasons for that but maybe next time about that.

The camping needed a lot of work before the season. I was with Helena and tried to find my way around here. I was very lonely and left to my own devices and the focus was on business and not on us. It wasn't a nice beginning.  I didn't write anything here because I didn't want to complain too much.  I did face to face to my family and friends but I kept wishing that I will be able to write something positive and happy one day. Before that I decided to remain silet.

In June we opened the camping and things have taken a very positive turn! We worked very well together. After the first busy night - me behind the bar and on the floor and Olivier in the kitchen. Surprise, surprise! We are a good team and we like working together.

From then on everything changed and we are happy, simply happy. We enjoy each other and our company. We are able to laugh with each other and at each other. We still argue and have different opinions but it feels like we reached a different level in our relationship. It feels like we are finally a family. I love my family and I am happy. I am happy to see Olivier happy, I'm happy to see Helena happy and I'm happy that I feel like I wouldn't like to be anywhere else. Even in India.

I'm soon going to Poland to take a driving license course and hopefully I will pass it. The life will be changed for all of us then. I will be free to leave the camping whenever I want and take care of my own affair. I will be able to help Olivier with the chores... all will be different. On top of everything, one of my dreams will come true. I will drive a car. Me, a woman. I will have my own car too. Me.

It hasn't been easy this season. I struggled on many levels: I changed places, I've been tied to one place, I spoke French without knowing sometimes what I was saying.... but I survived and more than that... I feel like it was worth every effort.

I am proud of our work. We did a great job here in the camping. We were able to fill it up - 350 people were with us at one point. We will close the gate soon and we will begin preparation for the next season at work. I hope we will continue this positive period in our relationship and the family life. I am sure. I know that this is what we both want.

So then this is it: a positive post that I have been waiting for for such a long time. 

Back to Europe

I left Poland in 2007. It was a beautiful day in July. My backpack was packed, my head was filled with dreams. I'd wanted to go so, so much and finally I was! I was going backpacking. I was going to Asia. I was running away, though I didn't call  it this at that time.

It was in the morning that I my dad took me to the train station. I said good-bye to my family the day before - we had a lovely get together at the back yard. The last person to see me off was my Mom. She was so worried! She was so worried that her only daughter, her apple in the eye will get hurt. She was worried that something will happen to me. She was scared that I will never come back. She was right. I never did.But she knew. She knew that she had to let me go and that it was my journey. It was painful for her but she never had tried to stop me. She never had argued my decision. She let me choose.

We were saying those good-byes at the steps of my family house. She hugged me tight and whispered into my ear: 'Good luck, and you know, Ania, deep deep inside I envy you. Go and do something I never could do." We both cried. My mom's dream was that I came back. I never did.

My term in Asia is coming to end now. I'm going back to Europe and soon as well.

After months of debating what to do and how to make things work between the three of us, we decided to settle down in France, on the Cote d'Azure, in Provence. We are going to try to make this family work, though it's going to be a lot of work considering the history behind us. I am trying to leave the past in the past but I also remember about what happened to me and how I was treated. I want to remember about that so  it never happens again and if it does, I know what to do. I want my daughter to be raised by a happy mother - something that I have been able to achieve by myself here in Bangkok. I want my daughter to be raised by a father who sees her on regular basis and not from time to time, on a computer screen, the father who will be able to give her the energy I will never be able to. I want a partner who will support me and take care of me so that I can support and take care of him. I think we have some potential but I'm also realistic. 

In less than two weeks Helena, Olivier and I will start a new chapter in our lives back in Europe. 

 

 

Dad

There  were times when we didn't speak longer so thirty days should not be so unnerving or scary. It always seemed that I could call you... you would not pick up or on a lucky day you would... Maybe I would wait till a voice message to hear your voice and then disconnect, maybe we would talk. The 'always' changed into 'never' - a void, a gaping void. 'Never' that is 'never'. We say 'never' without even realizing its full meaning  - this is a real 'never' - when the other body is cold and when the heart stops. 

Last night I was thinking about your last seconds. Was it dark? Were you scared? Did you regret anything? Or did you just go... I hope so. What is it like to die? I only can tell what is it like when something dies inside a living person. It's happened to me twice already. My eyes are burning from tears. I even don't know who is crying: Ania or Ania? A small one or an adult one, or maybe both? And who will consol them? The 'never' is 'never', and I have to live. But how to live when something has died. 

It's a month tomorrow. I think about you a lot.

I think about you each time I look at Helena who will never meet you. Yes, it was my choice not to bring her to you before it was too late. I wanted to protect her and myself but now I'm not sure. I'm sure of one that it makes me sad, very sad that she will never know my father the way I knew him form when I was little.

I miss you both so, so, so much.

I will sit with this sadness and embrace it and try to make peace with it or it will eat me alive. I need to live.

I'm off to sleep. 

I was tempted to call to see if I can hear your voicemail yet this one more time. The last time. But I'm too scared to do that. Tears might burn my face completely.

Rest in Peace. You are free. 

 

 

Back in Thailand

I'm back in Thailand.

Mostly I'm fine. I have an awareness that my dad had left us many years before the final departure. I know it but difficult feeling keep coming anyway. Sadness, anger, guilt, relief. All mixed up. I'm not fighting with any of them- rather I'm sitting of them and listening t the internal dialogue I'm having with myself. Sometimes I'm nice to myself and able to console myself, on other occasions, I hear the voice of a ruthless critic accusing me of neglecting my both parents. I keep telling myself that time will heal me: time and understanding where these voices come from.

I'm back home.

I'm back to my Little Girl who had the most wonderful holiday by the sea with her Father. I never had any doubts that Olivier would be a great father... it broke my heart that he decided not to be one to our child. That, however, is done. It's in the past and he is truly a very good Dad. I could go abroad and leave Helena knowing that she will  be wonderfully looked after. And she was. I came back to a girl madly in love with her Papa. "Papa" the way she says the word melts the hearts. She wakes up in the morning and looks around in search for her "Papa". She keeps repeating it till she remembers that Papa is not with us any more in body. We speak on Skype every day, and oh how happy Helena is to see her Papa.

Her Papa... He is the first man she knows. She will observe him and learn from him about the world and about how a man treats a woman. I  hope the standard will be very high. Higher than mine for many years. I told my own Father so many times that he was the model and how huge responsibility it was but he... My biggest wish is that Helena's dad will be her rock, her hero and her safe island, that he will be her Dad, the one that I had but then lost to alcohol.

I remember I was a princess, I was. I was important, I was his Little Girl but then he betrayed me and chose something else. And no matter how hard I tried and how hard we all tried, he left and left me heartbroken. It tool a very, very long time for this Little Girl to find confidence again that she is lovable and that she deserves better.

I'm so happy to be back home. I was so happy to see Olivier! Things are changing and for better. I recognize the man I fell in love again. He is there and he is back. It's not always easy between the two of us: I'm no angel and I know my mess drives him crazy and his bossiness sometimes drives me up the wall but we are trying to find a way to each other and it feels very good.

I'm back.
I need  to process, settle down and make some important decisions for this year and for the future life. No matter what - no matter how dramatic or sad things are happening, life is going on - nothing stops and nothing waits. Lots of work to do.

Goodbye

Goodbye Dad,

Thank you for giving me life and teaching me a valuable lesson on how dangerous it is to play around with addictions.

I'm sure that you are in a better place and that your suffering her, and you did suffer a lot, cam to an end. 

I wish I could have helped you but you didn't want to be helped on other than your terms and your terms we could not accept. 

It's so sad to think that I will never see you again. My thoughts travel home which now is empty but I still feel your presence. I still feel like you are there. 

But you are not and only a building has left.  Our home. A guardian of the story and many secrets. 

I am still here, though.

I am still alive and I promise myself today that I will learn as much as I can from you death, that  I will do my homework and live. I want to live. I want to live and be happy no matter what.

I want to fly.

You know that I loved you. I loved you so, so much. And I only wanted one thing from you - that you stopped drinking and that you chose us. 

But you chose otherwise and I still loved you. I understand you didn't know how to live.... only you know the truth. Only you know the pain you carried, the disappointments you experienced and hopes that died in you. Only you know... You chose not to tell me or my brothers. You chose to drown in alcohol.

I choose to live. 

I chose to live a long time and ago and that's why I had to run away from you. I suffer consequences of my choices every day of be being so far away from my family. I suffer but I also know deeply inside my heart that it was my only option to run away in order to survive and live.

Live, live, live!

I wish it was different but since it's not I will play with the cards that life is dealing me. They are not the easiest cards but the game goes on and I will not give up and play the best I can though the rules of the game change without my consent. I will play nevertheless because if I stop I will die.

I want to live.

I had to pause now and have a look at my own life. The time of some changes has come, changes that will improve the quality of my existence and my work. It hasn't been the best six months of my life but the time has come to stop making a victim of myself and start working on solutions.Thank you, Dad, for making me pause. Too bad you couldn't help me figure out things otherwise.

I have no parents any more.

Goodbye Dad.

I'm sure you are in a better place.

 

Sea of Sadness

I've been waiting for this message for many years.

It came today and hit me like a speeding truck. I can't move. I barely can move.

I'm on the island. I'm surrounded by a beautiful warm sea.

I'm on the island. I'm surrounded by a darkness and the sea of sadness.

You are dead.
I will never see you again.
I will never hear your voice again.
I will never hear your lies again.
I will never call you again and be disappionted that you didn't answer.

I tried to call you last night. Were you dead then? Or were you looking the darkness in the eye when I was calling you?

I will never have a dad again.

I will have a broken heart for the rest of my life.

You have no idea how much I loved you. I loved you so much, Dad. I loved you so so so much.

I lovee your voice, your strong hairy hadns. I loved your scrambled eggs with bacon that I hoped you will make one day for me and Helena again.

I loved you so much...

I lost you.
We lost you because I also have brothers, sisters-in-law and nephews and nieces. We all loved you.

We all wanted you. We wanted you. You.

I will miss you so much.
I will pack my bags and come home to say good bye to you...

Goodbye, Dad.

I hope your torment has finished and you are in peace.

I love you and always will.

December

December is here.

This Christmas time Allegro commercial made me cry real tears. The tears of a huge loss and sadness. Cast: an elderly gentelman whose son lives abroad and who one day embarks on a difficult journey of learning a foreign language to be able to communicate with his grand-daughter who speaks English. For three minutes the audience watches the gentelman posting notes around the house or reciting 'to be' while riding the tram. In a bath he threatens a rubber duck with a profane line from a movie and in a public transport he accidentally confesses love to another passenger.

And then the day comes: he packs his bags and flies to meet his family.

There he is, on the doorsteps. There she is too, a little girls. He gets on his knees and introduces himself to her in English: 'Hi, I'm your grandpa'.

I'm sobbing by then.

I see Helena and my dad that will never happen.

I see an elderly man who made an effort - that will never happen for us.

I see everything we've lost as a family in recent years and much beyond that.

I put my head on my desk and I keep sobbing, my tears can't stop falling.

How I miss him!

How I've lost him!

How he's lot us!!!

I don't know how he is. Whenever I call - there is no answer and even when he answers he pretends that all is good. I've stopped investigating. I know he drinks... at this point it doesn't really matter any more how long for: a week, a month, three moths... He is digging his own grave to which he will take a part of each of us. I send him a Christmas card and wished him a Maerry Xmas but I know it's not going to be a happy time for him - so sick and so gone... far away in the ocean of alcohol. I wish he knew how much I love him and ho scared I am that I will never see him again. I wish he knew how scared I am to see him at the same time. I wish he was able to understand how it all hurts all of us and how the only thing we ever wanted from him was to be sober.

December is here.

A Difficult Month

I'm reading "Chinese Cinderella and the Secret Dragon Society" with my students. The main character, Ye Xian, looses her mother when she is a girl and her father soon finds himself a woman who becomes a dreaded stepmother - hence the Cinderella connection. Good readers we use strategies to understand the text better: we make connections with the world outside, with our own experiences and other books. In today's chapter, Ye Xian emotionally falls apart in front of her future society brothers and tells them about her misery and pain related to her mother's death. 

I was not a little girl when I lost my mother and I didn't have a stepmother but I understand the excruciating pain a child feels loosing a parent. I told my students that I understand Ye Xian's tears because five years ago I lost my own mother. 

Although a lot of time has passed, I remember everything about her.  I remember her smell. I remember her voice, I can hear it in my head. I remember how she walked. I remember the shape of her fingernails and the texture of her hair. I remember her body shape. I remember her laughs and her tears. 

Oh, how I miss her!

October is a difficult month: each year around this tie I feel her absence even more. When it's really hard I ask her if she is somewhere around and sees me and I hear the voice that tells me that she has never left anywhere. 

I miss her. 

I have flashbacks and see scenes from our life: I see her dancing: there was a time when my house was full of laughter and joy. My parents loved having people around and every weekend there was somebody around: families, friends. I see her laughing and dancing with my father. Then I see her sitting in a chair with her cigarette drinking coffee in the morning on a terrace. Many times I would join her. 

How things can go wrong!

Guilt! I have a lot of guilt inside as well. I will not write more about it here but it's there and often I need to face these difficult emotions so that they it doesn't eat me up. I have hole in my heart.

I'm trying to leave my life as well as I can. I have my up and down, and I'm surely far from being very pleased with myself. But I'm trying. I'd like to look back one day and feel that it is possible to have a 'normal life' even after such a horrible tragedy as a suicide in the family but I'm failing so often...

And then I miss her even more... She would always tell me: if not you, then who? She believed that I have a potential to become successful but...

October is a difficult month. 

I was not a little girl when I lost my mother and I didn't have an evil stepmother but I understand the excruciating pain a child feels loosing a parent.

Goodbye and See You

I was gutted yesterday when we were saying final goobyes to Ms Vivien - our beloved nanny, the primary caretaker of Helena. 

Ms Vivien has stayed with us for seven months and from the first moment we met she's been loyal and caring employee. It's even difficult to think about her as of an employee - she has become a part of our little family. 

Whenever she could - she would help. I needed to go to the immigration - she would come earlier. I needed a day off - she would take Helena for a night. I needed her to stay longer - no problem. I was sick - she would stay with me and look after Helena when I couldn't take care of her.

She looked after Helena but also Ms Vivien looked after me and made sure that I was fine. 

Ms Vivien is a great character. She is funny and robust, her personality is bigger than the world and she just fills the room with positive energy and happiness. She knows every song in the English language, she would sing them to Helena to sleep. She loves dancing and just monkeying around - and monkeying we did a lot! 

I will miss these laughs and countless peek-a-boos! I will miss her voice and laughter that I would hear already at the foot of the corridor. I heard Miss Vivien laughing and with her Helena would burst in seams. He was in the best hands in the world.

It will be different now. 

Thank you Miss Vivien for your time and commitment to Helena. You love her like you love your own children and I'm sure you planted a seed of unconditional love in Helena's heart. Thank you for being with here when I couldn't. Thank you for being with me when I had worse days and for talking to me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I wish you all the best and I hope to see you very soon.

Briefly

Oh, it's been a long time since I was here last time.

If there is anybody here reading this non regular basis, I'm sorry for my absence. Well, partly because I don't know really my readership, I tend to think that this website is really for me and really few people have a look.

Anyway....

The whole narration stopped with me and Helena going away to France to meet the French part of the family. We were not planning to meet with Olivier at that time and so you can only imagine my surprise when he showed up at the airport. I welcomed his appearance with a mixture of joy and annoyance since I didn't know what to expect. We hadn't been really talking before that. I could have been miserable and angry but instead I decided to embrace the situation and have fun. I wanted to have a good holiday for myself and Helena. My motherly heart was happy Helena was with her father, my womanly heart healed enough not to care too much about the presence of O.

And so we spent what turned up to be a lovely holiday with each other and the French family.

Everybody was super nice and open and we were woven into the family fabric in no time. Not even once had I a feeling that it something was awkward. We had a royal reception.

We spent few days by the ocean, few days in the French coutry side, few days in the capital. I ate cheese and drank wine and ate more cheese and French bread. I came back heavier but ohhhh, French food just can't be resisted. Well, it can - but what's the point then in going to France?!

We came back after two weeks of this social and culinary indulgence and right away I plunged into work. The school year started immediately.

Dad

It's your birthday tomorrow and I've been trying to reach you almost for a week now. When you called me, I was with Helena. I didn't hear... And now you're not answering. 

And I'm scared. 

I know you are alone. No, you are not alone. You are with your best friend: a bottle.

Hello?! Are you there? The voice mail again. My heart skips the beat when I hear your voice. I'm fully aware that it might be the last time I hear it. Or the only time that I hear it. 

I would like to talk to you. But... but what will I tell you? Will I tell you that I'm worried? Will I tell you that it makes me sick to think how you are wasting you life? What are we going to talk about? 

Hello?! Can you hear me? No, you cannot. You never had. I've asked you so many times! I begged you. We all did, You can't hear me from here. You wouldn't hear me even if I were in the same room screaming on top of my lungs that I love you. Even if I gave up my own life, it wouldn't change anything. One person already have. 

You want to die. I know that. You are slowly killing yourself. You don't want to live any more. You gave up. And what is the legacy you are leaving behind? What is that I will remember?! What are the lessons?! Have you ever thought about it?! 

On Friday I'm flying to Europe.  I will not come to see you. I wish I could but I won't. I promised myself that I will not bring Helena to this energy. I told you about it many times. I don't want to be in this energy, though I do feel guilty about it. I'm protecting myself and I feel guilty. You are my father, after all. I should! But I won't. I might never see you again. But it's your choice. You chose to drink, you chose to be like this. I know you are lonely. I am as well. Trust me. I feel your pain. You'd tell me that I'm still young and have things to look forward to and that's why I can't understand what you are going through. Believe me, I do. Each day I struggle as well with demons. Each day, I'm fighting for myself and now also for Helena. Each day I have to make a choice. And sometimes I slip. And I do feel abandoned by my own father. By the man who was supposed to be my anchor, my safe place, my rock. There is nothing. A huge void, darkness and emptiness... there is only a memory of a man who is no more. I can't live all my life off this memory. 

I feel sorry for you, for myself and for all of us that we have to live through in this madness. I feel sorry for wasted lives that cannot be returned. I feel sorry and sad. 

I will try to call you again tomorrow and the day after, and then the day after that. 

Please, answer.

Getting ready!

Like a prisoner I'm counting the days.  Six more! Six more, two flights and hopefully we will arrive in Paris safely and not too perplexed. 

Few last weeks were hard. The work, Helena and my own life balance have been hard to maintain and the only thing that I really felt most of the time was that I need to sleep. Most of the time I felt that I needed to sleep and if I finally were able to sleep, I think I would not wake up for a month. Very low energy. Many times I felt that there was nothing there to give: not to myself, not to Helena, not to my students... I would do things but without a spark. I would do things but without really having any fun from doing them. I'm feeling a bit better and the trip on the horizon makes me feel even more hopeful.

I was debating myself if I should go home this holiday. My dad isn't well. He is so deep in his addiction that he doesn't see anything any more. He only wants his bottle that lets him forget about everybody and everything, that lets him slowly kill himself. My heart breaks on this thought. I remember the man he used to be and now I'm so scared to see him destroyed and defeated. I haven't seen him in ages. He never skypes me. He rarely receives any phone calls. He cuts himself off. He is lonely and alcohol fills the void. I feel sorry for him and I wish I could do something for him. I wish I could go there and talk to him and he would listen and get better but too many times I've been disappointed. Too many times he lied to me for me to believe that this time it would be otherwise. I would love to see my brothers and my whole family but I need to recharge my own batteries as well. I've been feeling week myself these days and I need a safe place where I can rest. In Poland I won't get it. I would come back to Bangkok more tired and sad if I went home. Home is not my safe place. It hasn't been for a long time already. 

So we are going to France only. Perhaps we can spend Christmas in Poland but that will depend on many things.

We will spend a wonderful time together and we will meet Helena's family who seems lovely. They are so looking forward to meeting her! I couldn't be happier for her. At least this much I can do for her and take her to them. 

My communication with Olivier is very limited. Actually we don't talk to each other at all and if we do, we exchange information about Helena and even this is very short. I guess we don't have anything to say to each other any more and none of us wants to pretend that we are friends.

I'm so looking forward next week! 

Today

Today was Saturday. Today I spent most of my day with Helena. Helena. My Light. What a little girl she is! What a bubbly personality, what a gentle character! I can't get enough of her. And this laughter! It's amazing what things crack he up: it might be my gesture and she starts laughing, or something I've said and she wants me to repeat it. Today, she was lifting her t-shirt asking me to kiss her belly all over again. And then she wanted to swing upside-down, head down and I was supposed to kiss her neck. Ten time,s twenty, maybe more. And all this garnished with salves of laughter. When Helena laughs, the whole world laughs. We laugh, we play, we sing, we dance, we chase each other from one room to another and back. I love being a child again!!!

Being a child, however, evokes memories of my parents. I miss my parents. I miss my mom and my dad. One is not here any more. The other does everything he can to end his life - the thought I cannot stand. I think of them very often. We were close once. We were a family once. And then something went terribly wrong. Terribly wrong. It awes me how terribly wrong it all went. It awes me how people can get lost and never find a way out. I hope that I will never get that lost. I hope I will never lose hope and love for life. I hope I will remember that possibly there is someone out there who cares about me and this person is worth living for if not myself. I hope I will never lose love for myself. I hope I will never want to destroy myself this or another way. 

It was Father's Day. I didn't call. Not that I didn't want to. I did and I didn't. What would I talk about? Would I have to pretend again that nothing is happening? Would I try to be understanding again? Or would I loose it and yell in the receiver: it's been almost ten months and you haven't seen your granddaughter!!!! It hurts me so much! I'm the only woman left in this family and he doesn't give a flying fuck. It hurts me and makes me angry. It makes me want to scream and throw myself at him with my fists. I know things hurt him as well. I know. But now I don't give a shit because he is the father. He was supposed to be my rock, my guide, my safe place but chose to be one I wanted to run away from. And ran away I did. I took the pain. I'm so angry! Such a waste of life!!! Such a waste! Such a waste of time. 

The other father is absent as well. This one chose to be absent too! I'm living on the planet of absent me.

Absent men. 

We play and laugh, and we chase each other around. We love each other. I love this girl more than anybody in the world. I love her more than I could possibly expect I can love. For her I need not get lost, for her I need to be present, for her I need to put the past in the past, work through difficult emotions and move on.

J-23

In twenty three days we are going to France to meet Helena's family. I cannot wait. Not only it will be a well-deserved holiday for me but most of all it'll be a great opportunity to connect Helena with Olivier's relatives. The seem to be very nice people. They call us every week and make sure that they keep in touch with Helena. They love her and I can feel that. She is so much looked forward to be met. I'm so happy! We will spend 14 days in France: 10 with Olivier's mom and 4 in Paris. 

This time the trip to Paris will be soooo much different. 

I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to going back to the place where I've opened a new chapter of my life. I will take Helena for a walk and show her all the meaningful places including Rue D'Aix - I'm sure. I will have a look into that window. I will take Helena to the Eiffel Tower and to the Chapms Elysees.  I might even sing a song. I will have a baguette and hot chocolate. I will go to a restaurant where I spend a lot of time thinking. I will have a coffee on a terrace and I will enjoy. I will enjoy these moments with my Little Girl, with my Petite Parisiene. Oh, we will have a great time!!!

I'm feeling better in my head today. Better than last Friday when I really ran out of energy. 

Some consolation I found in going on a date! Yeah! I went on a date on Saturday. I'd been planing this for a long time but something had always come in a way - usually lack of money really. This time, however, I thought that I need to go out to people or I would go nuts. And so I'd been talking to this gentleman for a while and we decided that it was a good idea to have some fun. And we did. And it was very nice. 

Helena stayed at home with the nanny and was very brave about it. Even she thought, I think, that it was time. I can't be so isolated from the rest of the world and having a little baby does this to one - isolate.

It was a bit unnerving but went good. Very good indeed. I had a great time which taught me that maybe, perhaps, despite the fact that I am a mom, maybe there will be still someone for me. Not this one but this one reminded me that I still can be attractive to a man, that even though I'm not the easiest to date, it still can be done when organized properly. So yay!!! 

I met Helena on Sunday with new energy! I missed her but I was happy to be away for some time and I was happy to be back. Balance. 

I Sat Down and Cried

Usually everything is under control. My emotions as well. Usually, I am able to look at the bright side. Usually, I am able to convince myself that one day things will be fine. 

But not yesterday.

Yesterday I sat down and cried. 

It was the last day of school. Time for holiday and rest but not for me. On Monday I go back to school for the summer. Four weeks. I'm glad I can do it and earn money to start my Master's but at the same time I am sooo tired. I am sooo tired and sick worried!!! And yesterday it all exploded. Me on the floor crying. Me on the floor thinking: what will I do? Can I do it? Can I really handle all this by myself? Can I be a teacher, a mother, a friend, a runner... can I be myself all the same time? Can I really give Helena the best things? Can I? Can I? And so I sat and cried. I felt left alone. So left alone with this all! And who should I ask for help, really? It felt so lonely and scary there on the floor in the dark. 

Helena was asleep unaware of my distress. And good. The last thing I want for Helena is to suffer because of me. 

I needed a hug but there was nobody to hug me. I needed just to cry and cry into somebody's arms as one more optimistic thought seemed to be impossible to generate. I felt that one more smile would kill me. I didn't want to smile, I didn't want to think that everything would be ok. Yesterday on that floor I felt so heave that I though I would never get up. I didn't want to get up.  I wanted someone to pick me up and hold me till I didn't have any more tears to cry. I wanted someone to take care of me. This one time. But I was alone. I got up. I dried my tears and marched to bed. I rolled in a ball and fell asleep.

It's hard to be the whole world.

I know I chose having Helena myself. This is why it's so hard for me to ask for any support. I feel like I don't deserve this help: Helena is my resposibility and  I should be able to get my act together... The truth is that I need help. I still don't know how to ask for it.

It's a new day today. I feel a bit better but I feel that if I won't change something and soon, I might be in trouble.

Waiting for a Baby To Arrive and After

No, no. Not mine. My baby is out already and soon we will celebrate a year together. Many of my friends, though, have become first time moms now or are expecting a baby in next nine months. When I talk to them, it takes me back a year ago to these months preceding Helena's arrival.

The first three months were not very happy. They were downright miserable and sad, and it took me time to make a decision that enough crying was enough. When I listen to my friends and how happy they are in these first months, I feel jealous a bit... but also happy that they don't have to go through what I did. I feel happy that they have partners and families who stand next to them and I am happy that they will be taken care of. It's such a special time and going through it alone is not fun. So, I'm happy that they won't have to.

Certainly, being pregnant alone didn't kill me. Helena was born healthy and beautiful. I survived the labor. Happy ending. I will never forget, though. And I think I will never really forgive. 

No, I'm sure my expecting friends are reading tons about becoming a parent. Please, stop. Now. From what I remember - becoming a parent these days is being presented as a massive disaster, actually. I really hate it! 

Yes, it is difficult, sure. Yes, you will not sleep for a while and you will be tired but it's not the end of the world if you have a partner to help you or anybody to help you, really. 

No, you don't have to take your child to the bathroom with you, as some suggest because you can't put it down. Put it down. It will cry, it will cry. It doesn't kill. You have to address your own needs as well and your child has to learn that you are not a slave to anyone. Helena, my daughter, is being reminded of it daily. When I get ready for work, I put her in her cot and I tell her that now she will have to stay with herself because I have to take a shower and get ready. Initially she protested, of course. But I gently remind her that I need showers and I need to get ready so she has to suck it up. And she does. Now, she will scream sometimes but mostly she has accepted that her staying by herself and me showering is a part of the routine. The bathroom door is open, she sees me, we talk but I shower as long as I want and she waits for me.

I read somewhere that there is no time for cooking and I should be prepared for ordering takeaways all the time. No, no, and no!!! I cook all the time. I cook for three days sometimes, in big batches but I cook and a takeaway apprears very rarely on my table. The nanny helps, sure. When Olivier was here, it was even easier since he is a great chef and our dinner were fantastic. But even when I am alone, again, I put Helena away and I tell her that it's time for me to prepare food and I need this time because I need to be healthy. She screamed maybe sometimes, and sometimes I have to pick her up and stop chopping up veggies but I put her donw, and go back to cooking and she knows that it's important. I'm nobodys's slave.

The same goes for working out. I come back from work, I work full time and with lots of guilt, yes, but I put on my running shoes and I go for a run. I tell Helena that it's important and that after I will have all the time for her. The Nanny leaves at 5 so around this time I have to be done with everything for the day if I want to be with Helena for another two hours before she goes to sleep.

Also, you don't have to wear your yoga pants all the time. Kids will wait for you to change your clothes and if not, then it means that you taught them otherwise. If they cry when you do your things, let them cry. They will get used to it eventually. I think.

I tell Helena that my needs are as important as hers and if I'm happy, she will be happy too. It's like on the plane, right? I can only help her when my oxygen mask is on.

So, my friends, don't worry. You will be fine. Life will be different and hectic but you can manage. Especially when you are on a maternity leave and with the help you will be getting from your partners and families.

And for now, now just relax and enjoy this special time waiting for your special baby, she or he will be in your arms sooner than you expect.

 

Another Month

Every month, on this day I feel proud of myself that, after all, I'm holding it all together. 

I pay my bills and I smile. 

I pay the nanny and I'm grateful that this wonderful woman is still with us and looks after Helena with so much care and love. I hate to think that we will lose her in October.

I buy nappies and milk for Helena and I feel happy that I can look after my baby and give her shelter, warmth and food. 

I do the groceries and I think that I'm lucky I can get all these veggies and fruits. 

I pay back my student loan and I can't wait till it's over! Six more months to go. 

I'm doing it all by myself. I feel quite proud. No, no. I'm feeling very proud. Disappointed that Helena's father... whatever. Another time.

We don't have much. I will have to pick up some extra work soon - Helena is growing fast and soon she will need new wardrobe, soon she will need a bit more than nappies only.  And shoes! Soon she will need shoes which I was reminded of when talking about our visit to Europe. It's colder there! And kids need shoes. Here, not so much. But there - it's a different story. 

We're going in 45 days.  I'm counting them because I'm a bit tired and I'm looking forward to some holidays. I'm working 24/7 now. Last night before I fell asleep I was thinking about my life before Helena and how free and careless things were. I remembered how easy it was to go to the gym and how I could spend hours there or in the pool. Now it's a bit more complicated. I'm not one person any more. Do I regret it? No. I just miss having time for myself but I imagine it will change as well one day. Everything will change. With Helena everything is dynamic. 

Tomorrow, my Little Helena is 9 months! 18 months have passed since the conception. A year and a half. Wow! Wow! Wow! Another month of growth and experiencing the world. Another month of learning and getting to know things around. How she has changed! I looked at the pictures from the hospital! She was so little and she couldn't do anything by herself. And now! Now she is learning new things every day and each day she is becoming more and more independent. Helena knows how her name and reacts to it. She claps her hands and waves goodbyes. She knows when I say 'come' and she comes (not always, she has her opinion as well if it's worth to comes). She even has her favourite songs: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" and "Il est ne, le divin enfant", a French Christmas song.  She has her favourite book and a toy. She likes things and some she doesn't and it's amazing to observe how this all is changing and developing. 

So another moth... We've done it, Helena! Yay!!!

Mom

It was Mother's Day yesterday in Poland.

It's the fourth one without Mom. I can't even express how I miss her. I look at her picture every day and I miss her every day: sometimes more, sometimes less but the feeling is there. She is being missed. 

I'm thinking sometimes that she didn't give us a chance. But then, I would never in the world have accepted what was going on at home. 

Still, that she chose to end her life is painful. 

 I still remember her smell, I remember her voice. I remember how she lit and held a cigarette. I remember everything. I remember how she laughed and I remember how she cried. Her tears are engraved on my heart. I remember how she danced and how she loved music - the louder, the better. I remember how she loved cinema. I remember how she loved. 

She loved life. She wanted to live but she didn't know how any more. It was too much. I know it was too much.

Mom, I hope that you're watching us, me and Helena and that you are proud of us. Watch over us. We love you.