It has been ten years almost to the date when I departured on the longest trip of my life - the adulthood trip. I turned 18 and with a bit of the help of a tricky cupid I packed my things and left my old life behind.
Not that it was a bad life, one could say. I was in a good school, I had friends around me. At that time of my life I was lost and needed somebody to fall back on. Beware what you are asking for because you might get it. I was asking for setting me free. I felt empty and unhappy, and prayed every day to be in a different place. Be careful what you are pryaing for as your prayers might be listened.
It happened unexpectedly - just like true love should happen, or at least that's what we tend to believe in. Unexpected and true love, an arrow of a cupid speared my heart and suddenly everything was clear, the world simple and I knew that this one will be forever. At 18 I didn't know that forever is a long time and that forever doesn't necessarily has to happen. But this I was to learn much later.
It was late February when I packed up and left. I didn't even say goodbye to my school friends. I left. It wasn't a pleasant journey. The road was terrible, I remember. We got stucked somehere for hours as if something was trying to stop me but didn't manage. It was decided. I was gone. I was gone, I finally had my life, had my love, had everything I needed.
Few months later I was sitting on the curb in Grodzisk Mazowiecki thinking what should I do with my life. Everything was gone: my dreams, my love, my dignity, my trust and belief that it all was worth something. I was 18 and already divorced. Not really but the process of breaking up with R. wasn't pleasant at all: packing things from the place that was supposed to be my home... Lots of tears, words that should never been said, things that should never been done, things that I regret and I am ashamed of. Things that under normal circumstances I would never do, or at least that's what I'd like to think.
I was afraid. I was terrified. I couldn't understand what had gone wrong and how all these things had happened. I couldn't go back home, I couldn't return to my school. I had to start everything from the beginning and I didn't know how. I felt guilty, I felt ashamed and afraid that I won't survive.
Somehow, I have survived. And this is something I'd like to congratulate myself for today. I have survived the biggest storm in my life so far. What is more, today I'm in the place that I've chosen myself. Cambodia gives me an opportunity to distance myself from the past and look into the future. Today I'd like to say goodbye to all these traumatic memories. This chapter is finished, closed. It should have been closed many years ago. It's done and I feel it so well today. Goodbye bad memories.Welcome to new quality!
Happy Anniversary Ania!
I love you.