It's not that I'm only mentally exhausted - I am exhausted all the time and I feel I could hibernate for nine months and sleep until the due date. I go for a walk and after I feel like I've climbed a mountain, I go shopping and it feels like I have gone to the North Pole and back. Where is my energy?! I want my energy back!

On top of that I am not sleeping well. I wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts like: college tuition, extra classes, sleepless nights, colic, breast feeding, and giving birth itself. My thoughts race from one to another, I try to calm down, meditate and go back to sleep, in vain usually. Today I stared at the ceiling from 1 am till 3 am, which resulted in me getting up ay 8 am for 10 minutes for breakfast and matching back to bed again, falling onto it and getting up for lunch. Will it ever change?

I've been reading lots of things online about the blessed state of being pregnant. I'm trying to learn as much as I can since I've never operated little children like this. The only thing I know is that they don't have an off button and I won't be bored.

I wonder if there is something like a good time for having children if they require so much sacrifice and work. Are we ever done with our goals and dreams, and ambitions? My older brothers and people who already have children say: no. Children complicate everything, life becomes impossible and tiring and you want to run away but at the same time you get a lot of satisfaction and pleasure. We will see. 

In all those pregnancy materials I am reading about changes my body is going to experience in the coming moths and they freak me out. I still have a month till I start 'showing' (I truly dislike this word). So I'm using this remaining time to wear my tight fitting dresses before I start transforming into a full on whale. It took me a year to loose 14kgs and now I'm facing gaining the weight back! Damn it! Luckily, I have some good instruction as to how not to double the size and my appetite isn't that big, so I hope for the best. I also decided to watch what I eat and not allow myself chocolate or soda cravings - all these are out of the house, actually they'd never lived here really. I got some sweets from Poland when my brother was here - all given to other people. His son left some coke - thrown out. I should be safe. 

All is good, at least today but this tiredness... I'm out to the gym to get this blood moving a bit.




I finally found a way to the doctor's office today if just to find out whether I will be able to fly to Poland in June.

So I saw the doctor and asked him to repeat the ultrasound I had done in a clinic in Paris. At that time the image didn't make any impression on me. It was very poor quality and its aim was just to position the fetus. Nothing really impressive. I saw a black hole with something white and that was it.

Today was different.

I saw a human being. It didn't speak to me, or didn't show any sign that  it knew what was going on but I was still impressed. Whoever it is, they already have a heart, head, tiny arms and legs. And we are connected with the umbilical cord, which is quite impressive as well. All of it was jaw dropping. I got of the chair laughing, then I shed few tears and laughed again - crazy hormones!

I had a breakdown last night. I was on the phone with my friends back home. I was hysterical. Did I make a right choice? Will I be able to do it financially and emotionally? Will I be able to love it? Countless questions and not a single certain answer. It drives me crazy that nobody is able to give me a straight answer to anything now - hormones again mixed with my frustration about being out of control. tears, tears, a whole salty sea of tears. 'I'm scared', I would repeat, "I'm so scared." And I still am but something changed today. Of one thing I am finally sure: that whoever resides there, I will love it.



Fear of Falling Down

When I found out that I was pregnant, I realized how fragile my social position is and how easily it will be for me to fall from this place on the ladder where I am at the moment.

Here in Thailand I have a comfortable life, with a stable job and earnings that allow me to cover most of my expenses and even put some cash aside. Not too much but a little. I am independent, my budget is my only concern. Or I should say 'I was'. I have decided to have this baby.  I didn't want to believe that it was a mistake of my life and that it will ruin my life. But I am scared.

I will have to go back to Poland where I have nothing. My family will help me with accommodation but that's about it. I will have to spend a few months in Lublewo, the place where I was born. I have never thought i will have to go back there, not like this, at least.  In the future, I might be able to move to Warsaw, I have some friends there and I'm sure I will be able to find something to do. After all, I am a qualified English teacher.

I sat down with a paper and pencil and started calculating. I will be poor. I will be poor and I have been running from poverty all my life.  I am scared. I am scared that I will be poor and unhappy, and that I will blame myself for this. That when I still had some time, I was led by some of my conviction and beliefs and feeling that the abortion is not for me. But what is the alternative now?

I am sitting now in my Bangkok apartment, looking around and thinking how much effort it cost me to build this fragile life of mine and how I am putting it all now in a big threat

The worst thing is that deep down I think I am ready to become a mother. The budget, however, shows numbers... and these numbers don't look that great. And I'm thinking: is it ok that because I don't have 2000 USD now, I will go to a clinic and terminate the pregnancy?

I am 32 years old and theoretically healthy and productive. I have friends all over the worlds and years of experience in teaching abroad. All these things would suggest that I should be fine. Nevertheless, I am scared that I will fail to provide my child and myself with a good standard of living.

On the other hand, taking into consideration my situation this calculation might mean as well that I would never be able to have a baby - unless I would marry which doesn't look like will happen any time soon.


Back to Paris

When I went to Paris in December, I was in love and felt on top of the world. I felt loved and appreciated, and thought that the man I am about to visit is the one I will share some part of my life. I was on cloud nine: in a very good shape mentally and physically, I thought life was my oyster.

And it was. We spent a wonderful time in Paris. I was treated like a princess, I was relaxed and loved, and I loved, and nothing forecast a disaster. 

We were supposed to meet again in few weeks in Bangkok to live with each other and to make a decision about our lives together. 

Then one day he said he needs time and that is never a good sign. I told him to take as much time as he needs and went back to my life thinking that it's normal he was hesitating, after all moving his life to Bangkok even if for a while was a big decision. It was Thursday. He said he will talk to me the following week. 

On the same Thursday I went out with my friends, had couple of drinks and in the morning I was dragged from my bed being so sick that when throwing up I felt my eyes popping out. I thought it was weird and it then crossed my mind that it might have something to do with being pregnant. I also remembered few days before that I felt dizzy and hot,  and sweaty and that I felt generally a bit strange. It was Friday.

On Saturday, I went to the cinema but before this, I went to Boots and got a pregnancy test. I was on my way to see PK, a Bollywood production and as some might know there is an intermission during an Indian movie for the toilet and drinks refill. I went to the toilet after the first part of the movie, did the test and after three seconds I saw the two red or purple, fat lines. I WAS pregnant.

Called Maggie. We met. Had dinner. I didn't call Olivier just yet thinking that he should have some space, as he required... I sat with this information and thought...

The next day I called the guy in France. No response. No response on the phone, no response on Skype, or Facebook. He finally got on Facebook and I begged him to pick up the phone. He said he didn't have time and if I had something important to say, I can leave the message on Facebook. And so I did. I wrote "I am pregnant, please call me." But he did not. For two days that felt like two centuries. 

I was going through hell in my head. On Sunday night, he finally facebooked me saying that he will call me the next day. It did not sound good to me. 

The fear started to grow and grow, and grow. I was scared and panicked and shaken up. I thought I was thrown into an earthquake, into a tsunami and the whole world was collapsing. Fear engulfed me and stayed with me for weeks.

Although I had friends around me, it was the loneliest time in my life. All in my head with my fears and the world around me shaking.

I waited and waited for this call from Paris. When we finally connected I did not see the same person I used to see on the screen. He was not loving and carrying any more and willing to share his life with me. Instead he made it clear that he does not want to have this baby and that the only option he sees in me coming to Paris and having an abortion. 

The hell broke out.

Few weeks later I was on my way to Paris. I was devastated, sad and defeated. I felt horrible. I felt depressed. I felt scared. I was on my way to Paris, the city of love but this time this trip had very little to do with love. It had to do with everything but love.

When I went to Paris in February, I was devastated and felt at the bottom of the world. I felt sad and defeated, and knew that the man I am about to visit would force me to fight for a very important part of my life. I was down: not in a very good shape mentally and physically any more. Life was not my oyster any more.


Life Changing Experience

Few weeks ago I found out that I am pregnant. Few days before that my at that time boyfriend said that he needs to think things through, which is never a good sign. Then I found out that I am pregnant. I looked at the test in the cinema toilet and I didn't feel anything for a moment, then I let out a silly laugh. I never finished the movie I had been watching. I called a friend. The next day I tired to contact the father but I was told he didn't have time to talk to me and was asked to leave a facebook message instead. I got a reply two days later.

The guy didn't ant the child but was ready to help me to solve the problem. Filled with panic, I traveled all the way back to Europe thinking that I actually might have the abortion. I tried to talk to him but he only insisted on getting rid of it. I was devastated, I still am. I had always wanted to have children but never had imagined that I will have them alone. Well, I will have one alone as I decided not to go to the clinic.

I'm back home. I'm back to my asylum in Bangkok, that I have built with s much effort over the years and now, I will have to leave. It's a scary perspective. I will have to go back to Poland for a while and face my biggest fears and try to use all the knowledge and wisdom I have acquired over the years.  I am scared. For the first time in my life I am so scared that I can't even explain it. At the same time, I have a feeling that it will be a great personal development lesson and I am willing to learn.

I have jumped into very deep waters and now I need to learn how to swim and learn it quickly. I am not interested in drowning.

My heart is broken and I need to heal before this little human being comes to me. I don't want to hurt it but love it with all my heart and might.

I believe it is possible and I will still have a happy life.