Today was Saturday. Today I spent most of my day with Helena. Helena. My Light. What a little girl she is! What a bubbly personality, what a gentle character! I can't get enough of her. And this laughter! It's amazing what things crack he up: it might be my gesture and she starts laughing, or something I've said and she wants me to repeat it. Today, she was lifting her t-shirt asking me to kiss her belly all over again. And then she wanted to swing upside-down, head down and I was supposed to kiss her neck. Ten time,s twenty, maybe more. And all this garnished with salves of laughter. When Helena laughs, the whole world laughs. We laugh, we play, we sing, we dance, we chase each other from one room to another and back. I love being a child again!!!

Being a child, however, evokes memories of my parents. I miss my parents. I miss my mom and my dad. One is not here any more. The other does everything he can to end his life - the thought I cannot stand. I think of them very often. We were close once. We were a family once. And then something went terribly wrong. Terribly wrong. It awes me how terribly wrong it all went. It awes me how people can get lost and never find a way out. I hope that I will never get that lost. I hope I will never lose hope and love for life. I hope I will remember that possibly there is someone out there who cares about me and this person is worth living for if not myself. I hope I will never lose love for myself. I hope I will never want to destroy myself this or another way. 

It was Father's Day. I didn't call. Not that I didn't want to. I did and I didn't. What would I talk about? Would I have to pretend again that nothing is happening? Would I try to be understanding again? Or would I loose it and yell in the receiver: it's been almost ten months and you haven't seen your granddaughter!!!! It hurts me so much! I'm the only woman left in this family and he doesn't give a flying fuck. It hurts me and makes me angry. It makes me want to scream and throw myself at him with my fists. I know things hurt him as well. I know. But now I don't give a shit because he is the father. He was supposed to be my rock, my guide, my safe place but chose to be one I wanted to run away from. And ran away I did. I took the pain. I'm so angry! Such a waste of life!!! Such a waste! Such a waste of time. 

The other father is absent as well. This one chose to be absent too! I'm living on the planet of absent me.

Absent men. 

We play and laugh, and we chase each other around. We love each other. I love this girl more than anybody in the world. I love her more than I could possibly expect I can love. For her I need not get lost, for her I need to be present, for her I need to put the past in the past, work through difficult emotions and move on.



In twenty three days we are going to France to meet Helena's family. I cannot wait. Not only it will be a well-deserved holiday for me but most of all it'll be a great opportunity to connect Helena with Olivier's relatives. The seem to be very nice people. They call us every week and make sure that they keep in touch with Helena. They love her and I can feel that. She is so much looked forward to be met. I'm so happy! We will spend 14 days in France: 10 with Olivier's mom and 4 in Paris. 

This time the trip to Paris will be soooo much different. 

I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to going back to the place where I've opened a new chapter of my life. I will take Helena for a walk and show her all the meaningful places including Rue D'Aix - I'm sure. I will have a look into that window. I will take Helena to the Eiffel Tower and to the Chapms Elysees.  I might even sing a song. I will have a baguette and hot chocolate. I will go to a restaurant where I spend a lot of time thinking. I will have a coffee on a terrace and I will enjoy. I will enjoy these moments with my Little Girl, with my Petite Parisiene. Oh, we will have a great time!!!

I'm feeling better in my head today. Better than last Friday when I really ran out of energy. 

Some consolation I found in going on a date! Yeah! I went on a date on Saturday. I'd been planing this for a long time but something had always come in a way - usually lack of money really. This time, however, I thought that I need to go out to people or I would go nuts. And so I'd been talking to this gentleman for a while and we decided that it was a good idea to have some fun. And we did. And it was very nice. 

Helena stayed at home with the nanny and was very brave about it. Even she thought, I think, that it was time. I can't be so isolated from the rest of the world and having a little baby does this to one - isolate.

It was a bit unnerving but went good. Very good indeed. I had a great time which taught me that maybe, perhaps, despite the fact that I am a mom, maybe there will be still someone for me. Not this one but this one reminded me that I still can be attractive to a man, that even though I'm not the easiest to date, it still can be done when organized properly. So yay!!! 

I met Helena on Sunday with new energy! I missed her but I was happy to be away for some time and I was happy to be back. Balance. 


I Sat Down and Cried

Usually everything is under control. My emotions as well. Usually, I am able to look at the bright side. Usually, I am able to convince myself that one day things will be fine. 

But not yesterday.

Yesterday I sat down and cried. 

It was the last day of school. Time for holiday and rest but not for me. On Monday I go back to school for the summer. Four weeks. I'm glad I can do it and earn money to start my Master's but at the same time I am sooo tired. I am sooo tired and sick worried!!! And yesterday it all exploded. Me on the floor crying. Me on the floor thinking: what will I do? Can I do it? Can I really handle all this by myself? Can I be a teacher, a mother, a friend, a runner... can I be myself all the same time? Can I really give Helena the best things? Can I? Can I? And so I sat and cried. I felt left alone. So left alone with this all! And who should I ask for help, really? It felt so lonely and scary there on the floor in the dark. 

Helena was asleep unaware of my distress. And good. The last thing I want for Helena is to suffer because of me. 

I needed a hug but there was nobody to hug me. I needed just to cry and cry into somebody's arms as one more optimistic thought seemed to be impossible to generate. I felt that one more smile would kill me. I didn't want to smile, I didn't want to think that everything would be ok. Yesterday on that floor I felt so heave that I though I would never get up. I didn't want to get up.  I wanted someone to pick me up and hold me till I didn't have any more tears to cry. I wanted someone to take care of me. This one time. But I was alone. I got up. I dried my tears and marched to bed. I rolled in a ball and fell asleep.

It's hard to be the whole world.

I know I chose having Helena myself. This is why it's so hard for me to ask for any support. I feel like I don't deserve this help: Helena is my resposibility and  I should be able to get my act together... The truth is that I need help. I still don't know how to ask for it.

It's a new day today. I feel a bit better but I feel that if I won't change something and soon, I might be in trouble.


Waiting for a Baby To Arrive and After

No, no. Not mine. My baby is out already and soon we will celebrate a year together. Many of my friends, though, have become first time moms now or are expecting a baby in next nine months. When I talk to them, it takes me back a year ago to these months preceding Helena's arrival.

The first three months were not very happy. They were downright miserable and sad, and it took me time to make a decision that enough crying was enough. When I listen to my friends and how happy they are in these first months, I feel jealous a bit... but also happy that they don't have to go through what I did. I feel happy that they have partners and families who stand next to them and I am happy that they will be taken care of. It's such a special time and going through it alone is not fun. So, I'm happy that they won't have to.

Certainly, being pregnant alone didn't kill me. Helena was born healthy and beautiful. I survived the labor. Happy ending. I will never forget, though. And I think I will never really forgive. 

No, I'm sure my expecting friends are reading tons about becoming a parent. Please, stop. Now. From what I remember - becoming a parent these days is being presented as a massive disaster, actually. I really hate it! 
Yes, it is difficult, sure. Yes, you will not sleep for a while and you will be tired but it's not the end of the world if you have a partner to help you or anybody to help you, really. 

No, you don't have to take your child to the bathroom with you, as some suggest because you can't put it down. Put it down. It will cry, it will cry. It doesn't kill. You have to address your own needs as well and your child has to learn that you are not a slave to anyone. Helena, my daughter, is being reminded of it daily. When I get ready for work, I put her in her cot and I tell her that now she will have to stay with herself because I have to take a shower and get ready. Initially she protested, of course. But I gently remind her that I need showers and I need to get ready so she has to suck it up. And she does. Now, she will scream sometimes but mostly she has accepted that her staying by herself and me showering is a part of the routine. The bathroom door is open, she sees me, we talk but I shower as long as I want and she waits for me.

I read somewhere that there is no time for cooking and I should be prepared for ordering takeaways all the time. No, no, and no!!! I cook all the time. I cook for three days sometimes, in big batches but I cook and a takeaway apprears very rarely on my table. The nanny helps, sure. When Olivier was here, it was even easier since he is a great chef and our dinner were fantastic. But even when I am alone, again, I put Helena away and I tell her that it's time for me to prepare food and I need this time because I need to be healthy. She screamed maybe sometimes, and sometimes I have to pick her up and stop chopping up veggies but I put her donw, and go back to cooking and she knows that it's important. I'm nobodys's slave.

The same goes for working out. I come back from work, I work full time and with lots of guilt, yes, but I put on my running shoes and I go for a run. I tell Helena that it's important and that after I will have all the time for her. The Nanny leaves at 5 so around this time I have to be done with everything for the day if I want to be with Helena for another two hours before she goes to sleep.

Also, you don't have to wear your yoga pants all the time. Kids will wait for you to change your clothes and if not, then it means that you taught them otherwise. If they cry when you do your things, let them cry. They will get used to it eventually. I think.

I tell Helena that my needs are as important as hers and if I'm happy, she will be happy too. It's like on the plane, right? I can only help her when my oxygen mask is on.

So, my friends, don't worry. You will be fine. Life will be different and hectic but you can manage. Especially when you are on a maternity leave and with the help you will be getting from your partners and families.

And for now, now just relax and enjoy this special time waiting for your special baby, she or he will be in your arms sooner than you expect.