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31.03.2015

Showing

I hate this word but the time has come when it more and more obvious that somebody has inhabited me and is taking over my internal space. I'm beginning to show. So far this world of pregnancy was available to friends but now the whole world will know and start asking questions I'm not interested in answering. Whatever... I'll try to be as assertive as possible. 

I went to have an ultrasound yesterday with a new doctor. A very nice lady who delivered one of my students. The girl is perfectly ok and her mom well too, so I trust that I'm in good hands. And the hospital is quite cheap and therefore  the chances that I'm staying here are getting higher. Unless they fire me from work for sleeping at my desk. When this tiredness will end? Or is it some sort of depression? I have no idea but it's so difficult for me to work on anything, concentrate on anything, let alone keep my cool with the kids around. Challenging! But back to the hospital. 
The doctor looked inside the belly and I saw again a little human being growing. I also saw my placenta, bladder, umbilical cord ... all those fascinating organs usually I wouldn't even think about.  The baby 10 cm long already. Head is in its place, brain is where it's supposed to be, the head bone or whatever its name, is in its place as well. The spine is ok. The hands and legs are fine. The heart beats healthily. All seems to be fine. And this is all I'm interested in. I want this kid to be healthy and the rest will be fine. We can manage, I'm sure. 

I still don't know what it is but I'm almost 100% sure it's a boy. The doctor said that she thinks she saw something looking a small penis but the baby did everything to hide it from us so she couldn't give a 100% answer. I guess the baby had heard my threats about giving it up to adoption if it's a boy as I don't hold a male race in very high regard at the moment. Of course it's a joke though, I thought about an adoption for a moment but not taking gender as a decisive factor.

But there won't be any adoption as more and more I feel that I can do it. It won't be easy but I get help from left and right and people around me are so supportive and friendly, and normal about it that it gives me the most needed positive feeling that I'm not all alone in it. And indeed, Thailand is perhaps one of the most child friendly places in the world where having a child is still costly but not impossible for a single parent to manage. So it's up to me now how I will manage those months at work, with my finances and with my emotions which are sometimes overbearing and difficult.

It's still not quite clear to me how I will push it out but I feel better knowing that my Mom did it three times and survived. And other ladies did it as well - some are even my good friends and all of them fare well so there is hope for me too. My hospital, however, won't make it any easier for me - they don't serve epidural - to which information I stopped breathing for a moment and wanted to run away from the doctor's office. I was only stopped when promised that there will be other painkillers. I'm still not sure. Anyway it will hurt and I can't even imagine yet how much and how much I will hate the world for crushing my pelvis and opening me so  much to the outside. OMG! It makes me ask for the C-section even without any emergencies. At the same time, there is a part of me who wants to feel it and experience it since I've already experienced other unpleasant  realities of life, I might as well add one more to the balance sheet. Still... But I will not be alone at the birth. Though a husband is allowed only at the labour, the doctor told me that she'll do everything to make it possible for a friend of mine to be at my side when it happens. Oh, Maggie, as you don't have your own kids yet, I'm not sure if you should really see it live. It may put you off entirely from going through it by yourself.... however, I'm so grateful that you offered your assistance knowing how horrible it might be. Well, it'll be much more that holding my hand when having a tooth extracted. I love you, Maggie. 

Time to go to sleep and put my head to rest, and allow my bump (another hated word) to grow happily. 

Oh, in few weeks the baby is going to start hearing what is going on outside. Fascinating!



29.03.2015

On Days Like Today

On days like this, and I haven't had them many yet, I feel that everything will be fine. The panic goes away and for  few moments I can actually enjoy the miracle of being pregnant and producing a little human being. I'm wondering what it looks like or what it will look like. I wonder how big it is and what it is. I'm having my next ultrasound tomorrow and I can't wait to see it.

I think it will all be fine. I like this peace of mind that I have - if only for a moment. I feel I am not alone. And I am not. I have told many people already and I'm getting plenty of emotional support and love. I know there are lots of people out there who wich me all the best and cross their fingers for me and for the baby.  On days like this I feel that I will be able to connect with this little human being. On days like this I am glad I didn't have an abortion.

I realize that there is still plenty of those bad days ahead of me as well but at least I see the ray of sunshine on days like this. I need as much of the sunlight as possible now to get on my emotional feet and get ready for a new human being who is about to arrive. 

In six months I will be a mom. In sic months I will push out from the depths of my human existence another being. In six months my life is going to change entirely but on days like this I can see how this change can be positive. I won't say that I am already ready but I've been feeling so much better in last few days. I chose in Paris that I'm doing it and though I still panic at times, on days like this I shyly embrace my decision, feel it and make peace with it. Because why not to embrace it?

When I feel bad about my pregnancy it's usually when I hear this critical voice in my head saying: "who do you think you are that you can do it all by yourself?" This voice is trying to shame me and tell me that I'm not good enough. But deep, deep inside I feel that good enough I am. I am good enough to become a mom and pass everything I know onto my offspring. Yes, we won't be in touch with a dad but this cannot be a decisive factor. There are many kids out there without dads and they are fine if they have stable moms and stable environment to flourish. 

On days like today, I trust more and more that we can make it and be happy. 

28.03.2015

Few Last Days

What a great experience it was!!! I am so happy: not only did I spend four days in participating in a very well-organized and informative conference, but also I reminded myself how beautiful Malaysia is and how much I miss going to the beach.

I didn't rest during those days. The sessions were quite intense and loaded with new information I tried to absorb and remember to take with me to the classroom. I take some time to revise my own teaching practice: I realize that though I know a little bit about teaching, there is still heaps to learn and there were moments when I thought that I should tell my boss to fire me... because I know nothing. But maybe not entirely... There is always space for improvement - no matter how long one has spent in the profession. I'm happy to learn and implement changes. So, I'm going back home ready to reorganize my teaching and hold myself more accountable. 

Naturally, I've been thinking a lot about what is about to come for me and how that will impact my life. I have two options: I can either declare that my life is over or I can decide that I will make the most of whatever I have. The second proposition seems to be more appealing. So, I will try and make best out of it. A day at a time. I'm not giving up. Yes, it's not ideal and yes, I wish it were different. I wish I had a loving partner who would be there for me and massage my back when it starts to hurt but that is not going to happen. Move on.

It's all about the mind set. I either might see the end or the beginning. I choose to see the beginning. I am scared. But I still choose to see the beginning of a journey in which I will discover things I haven't known existed. Am I ready? No! Would I ever be? I don't know. Nobody knows what the future holds. I can plan as much as I want but certain things just happen. Yes, unplanned pregnancy was within my control. Yes. But I have a friend who was on a pill and got pregnant nevertheless. She didn't keep the baby. I still would, I think. I would just think that I'd done everything to protect myself and it didn't work, I would have an excuse as oppose to now - when I think it's my own fault that I was not careful enough...  I don't think Olivier would have behaved differently this way or another. His right. But he will have a child even if he is trying to deny the fact. He doesn't wan to be in touch with us, it doesn't change the fact that it is still his child.

I'm on my way home now. Still in Malaysia, soon back in Bangkok, back to school, back to life. 
I'm grateful for this experience and the time I was given to think about my teaching and life, and the future. 

 



 
 

 









 




23.03.2015

Olivier S., Paris

I think of you sometimes, Olivier S. I'm trying to understand your logic and that you don't want to have a baby now, with me, that you don't want to know me, that you think I'd ruin your life and that I'm keeping this child for the money. I can try to understand those imaginary arguments you are feeding yourself with . I'm really trying to see your point of view.

But what I cannot understand and forgive you is that you are a liar. That your words and promises turned out empty. That you had said you were one person and turned out to be somebody completely different. That one day you offered me the world and the next day none of this was true and on top of that you tried to make me feel stupid that I'd believed in all that. 

And why I should not have believed? 

Why I should not have believed when you were offering me a life in Paris? Why I should not have believed you when you were looking for universities for me to study at? When you were saying that you will support me and give me a job so that I can study French? Why should I have not believed that? Why should I have not believed you when you were saying that you were happy? Why not? 

I did believe in every word you said to me. Each and every word. I was not aware that you would ever be able to hurt me. All these conversations we had about the past, the present... Little did I know that soon you will throw all mt biggest fears at me in order to rescue yourself. This I will never forgive you.

Remember how supportive you were of me learning French? I am  and I'm making a very good progress. In the future I won't have to use a translator. 



 


 

 


22.03.2015

Teary Sunday

I woke up and I knew it's not going to be my favourite day.
It got worse.
For half of the day I stared at the wall or a computer screen trying to avoid going out.
But I had to go out and when I eventually did, I felt like I was walking but not really, like I was shopping but from the distance....

I thought eating will help but I can't even overeat properly and I will choose a healthy option to indulge. That didn't help though.

Cam back home. Looked at the screen again.

And then I got help - a talk with a friend, a very long conversation filled with tears on both sides of the screen. Tears of joy and compassion, tears of deep, deep human understanding. Tears of friendship that shall never end.

I'm going to sleep calmer.
Thank you.




I Wish

Today I just wish I could vanish, disappear into thin air.

I know it's temporary but I just can't move. I have to go to the shop and I've been starting at the computer screen instead.

I have to do some work - no energy.

I'd like to go swimming - no energy.

I want to read - what for?

I'm so exhausted.


16.03.2015

In a Perfect World

I sat down in the abortion clinic next to Olivier, the psychologist in front of us, next to her a fifth-year psychology student, an intern at the hospital. Would I mind if he stayed - no I wouldn't.

I can't really remember everything the psychologist said, I guess she took me over the medical procedure and asked if I felt sad about my decision.  She said that it's perfectly ok to be sad and that it will go away. I wanted to punch her. I replied that in a perfect world I would not do it but as it's not a perfect world I'd have to.

That was the moment when I heard the voice in my head saying: "Make it a perfect moment then!", followed by: "You don't have to do anything that is against yourself." The voice stayed with me.

Though I still have million of doubts and I still have those questions unanswered, I want to believe that I am capable of making this pregnancy, delivery and life after as good as possible, good enough for the two of us.
The world and the situation doesn't have to be perfect - it's good when it's good.

Today I make a decision that my good enough, happy land is here and now.



15.03.2015

Angry Today

I feel angry when I thing that you wanted me believe that I have no other option! I feel angry when I think that you accused me of keeping this baby for money and as a way of getting to France. I feel angry when I think you actually offered me halp with setting in France when the abortion is done. I feel angry when I think that you came to the hotel with a piece of a worthless paper asking me to sign it and guarantee that I would never ask you for any financial help related to the child. I feel angry when I think of a message you sent me on one of my last days in which you threatened me that you would do everything you could in order to take this child away from me if I dared to ask lawyers for help. I am angry when I think that you used this form of economic advantage over me in order to make me do something I disagree with. I'm angry that you used everything I had told you about my family in order to threaten me and make me believe how destitute and lonely I was. That was beyond any possible arguments to use - the lowest of the lowest arguments which made me realize that it was you who was scared more than anybody else.

You saw how afraid I was and you did everything to exploit it to make me do what you wanted. 

I am angry when I think you treated me like a statistic saying that I was not the first and not the last of a woman who had to go through a decision of the termination of pregnancy And I am not just a figure! I am a human being with feelings!!!

I'm so angry today and I want to feel this anger.



14.03.2015

Another Saturday

A productive day compared to previous eight Saturdays which I spent mostly crying. I cried today as well a bit but for rather positive reasons, they were tears of joy in other words.

I still don't know who I will survive and what will happen to us but I'm ignoring this fact and instead I'm thinking about more pleasant things like reading, and painting, and swimming and working out. 

I hit the gym and the pool today and did all prenatal exercises I could remember from youtube - there are tones of them and some of the working out mothers-to-be are really fit and look amazing! I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone - just to myself that it's possible to stay fit even when the times are not perfect and a situation is far from comfortable. I have this routine and it helps me a lot now. I might have few days of a break but I know that eventually I will be back on the bike and on the mat. And my, it feels so good to be able to move those limbs. It feels so good to be fit! And I hope it feels good for the Little one as well. I hope it will like moving around because move around we will a lot. We have a pool here, there is a communal park with a running path, and a pool. So all I need is a proper carrier for the baby and I'm ready to go. Hopefully, the Little one shares my enthusiasm. Well, initially, it won't have too much of a choice. I will move wherever I am and since I'm the only parent, it will have to follow. Though.

I was thinking the other day that maybe, to ease the pain later, I should start practicing getting up in the middle of the night so that later it's not such a shock for the system. Or not? Anyone out there with parenting experience? Anyone would like to share anything with me? Is actually anyone reading this? Like ever?

Let me know. I would love to hear from you.



13.03.2015

Pregnancy Weight

Last year I lost 14 kgs just to put it all back this year. Yay! And I've realized that I'm 2 kgs over the weight I'm supposed to be at. Which means that it's back to the gym without any excuses now. I remember what it was like to be at the weight I started my workout at and I don't want to go back. I mean I will, because that's the maximum weight I'm supposed to gain during this pregnancy but I can't even imagine more. So far, I've been quite irregular feeling too tired oftentimes to move my ass but the ass has to be moved and this is the only thing really I have to do now. To move and a lot and watch out what I eat. Controlling issues? Maybe, but indeed this is the only thing I can control now when everything around me is so unpredictable. 

So the gym, the pool, moving as much as possible and without an excuse that I'm feeling miserable. I will feel worse when i cannot move because of the weight.

So much for giving myself a break, isn't it?


12.03.2015

No Drama

No drama.
No drama.
No drama. 
One would say it was a wonderfylly quiet day.

Yay!

That means that I still can be normal. 

Yay!

And that gives me some hope. It can be normal, even it will never be the same. I can make my way. I can still be myself. I am still myself. 


11.03.2015

Defending Myself

No tears today. 
No panic attacks. 
No nothing.

Just a thought that a man wanted to make me believe that I cannot do it.  A thought that he tried to be so hurtful as to use all my sensitive spots to make me not have this child. From: "you will lose everything you have been working for" to "if you try any legal demends, I wil do everything to get this child from you. I have a new girlfriend and she knows about everything. I will fight with you. You have nothing and I have a job, an apartment and a relationship which you will never have being a single mother. Your family situation is bad... I will do everything to get the full custody over this child if you try to get any child support from me." I will keep this email forever so that I remember that once there was somebody who tried to undermine all my self-confidence and trust in myself. I almost believed him but there was this little voice in my head who was telling me that all these hurtful words and just spells ment to make me even more scared and that I should not listen to them. 

I'm glad I didn't. And though I still don't know what will happen to me, though I'm still not sure where I will be in few months time, thoughtit's difficult to chill out, sit back and savour the beauty (sic!) of pregnancy, I believe that I defended something more important than anything else: my integrity, or what was left of it at that time. 

I'm off to sleep. I'm planning to dream beautiful dreams of me and my child being happy and in peace with each other and with the world. 

I don't need to have all the answers today.





10.03.2015


This is a text that I will read and re-read though the whole time of my pregnancy. So beautiful!!! What I needed!!!


http://thishouseisourhome.net/2015/02/25/kids-arent-expensive-but-that-other-thing-sure-is/

Give Myself a Break

Becasue I have no idea whet else I should do, I am vowing now that for the rest of the week I'm giving myself a break and I will not do the following:

1. I will not listen to any more posdcast, radio programmes nor will I read anything more about sinle parenting or abortion.

2. I will not beat myself up and call myself 'stupid' for making a decision of having a child by myself. I will forget till the end of the week how difficult it will be.

3. I will not fall asleep and wake up in tears.

Instead I will:

1. I will try to sleep  normal hours, just like used to.

2. I willl try to be my best friend and give myslef a big hug before faling alseep.

3. I will go back to the gym and in the pool.

4. I will read and listen to things that give me pleasure and comfort and not induce more panic and dread.

5. I will think of my child who is there and who is growing and imagine that we can make it and we will be fine. I will imagine that I am a good mom. I will imagine us on a sunny day by the sea building sand castles or in a park kicking a ball.

6. I will breath and will be aware of this breathing so that it takes me back to the now and not allow me to get lost in the future, which can be anything.

7. I will eat well and mindfully too.

8. And finally, slowly but surely, I will learn the language of Olivier, the father, so one day, when the time comes, we can meet again and I can face him in French. Apart from that, French is a beautiful language.

Of course, hormones are difficult to control, so it all might not work at all but al least I will try.




09.03.2015

Another Sleepless

Or maybe I should not say sleepless becasue I slept just not enough and I'm feeling quite off today. I even considered taking a day off but how many days off I can take on the account of my self-imposed predicament?

I made few calls last night to hospitals asking about delivery proces. Cheap it is not - especially that I will have to take the moeny from somewhere by myslef. Buying a ticket home and back will be pricey as well, so again I don't know what I will do. Money, money, money.

I'm exhausted. I'm so tired that I would like to fall asleep for a houndred years and I realize it hasn't even started yet and all the sleepless nights in the world are pending. 

A dep breath and off I go to school where for eight hours I can feel like a normal human being and pretend that everything is fine. 




When?

When will I be normal again? When will I get back to the normal person I know; the the one who is needy and clingy butt he one who is independent and thinks that everything is possible and it's enough to believe? Where is my trust in the universe now when I need it so much? 

The fact is that I need a hug now more than anything else. A hug and an assurance that I'm wanted somewhere even if single and with a baby. I might underestimate my family and whatever I'm writing here might not be true but I need their support now more than anything else in the world and I need to hear that I can come back and be safe, that we can go and the umprella will be streatched above us and we will be fine. 

I feel like I'm already disappointing this child by not being able to celebrate it in the way it deserves to be celebrated. Instead, I sit and cry and worry, and feel down and worried and ugly, hopeless and sad. Worse than a zombie. 

I sit for hours on end on Facebook as if I was supposed to find any answers there, scroll up and sown and pretend that it gives me any comfort. I check my email box three houndred times a day thinking that maybe I will find a message from the Almighy there telling me that it will all be good. 

I bother my friends talking about the same for the zillonth time, telling them how shitty I'm feeling.

I bother myslef all over again. 

I'm sabotaging my work - I'm supposed to work and instead I sit and stare at the wall when in the classroom. I feel like behind the wall except from when I have a freind around, a human being I can feel and talk to. But then I hate myself for talking about the same all over again.

I've had very little compassion for myself these days: lots of accusations, lots of judgements but very little hugs from myself... It's so difficult to be good to myself. Except for a gym. I still go to the gym and at least this way I can care for myslef a bit.

I didn't sleep properly lat night again. I dread tonight and following nights. I want the earth to open and swollow me but I know that it's not going to happen now. I know that now nothing will happen to me because this is the lesson I'm supposed to receive and nothing will swallow me before I experience it all from a to z.

When will I be normal again?









08.03.2015

Real Currency

I woke up today to yet another article about single parenting in Poland and how hard and horrible it is. How it's difficult to execute any child support from a man, not mentioning a man who is abroad... Not that I think I will get any child support, because I won't... Did I make a right choice?
From the economic point of view: no. From what I undertand having a child on my own puts me in peril of sliding into poverty and financial disptress. From the personal perspective - as I wrote before, it's a miracle happening now... How will I find my way in all this? HOW?!
I wanted to fight for my convictions and believes but at times it feels like the reality doesn't give a shit about what an individual believes or feels. Money talks and this is real currency.

It's difficult to breath when I think about it all. 

Breath.





When I Allow Myself

Mostly I'm still panicked and crying, and not sleeping and seeing things in the darkest coulours but... But there are those moments when I feel the rays of light struggling through the layer of clouds and during these moments I wonder and imagine, and allow myself to feel the miraculous thing that is going to happen.

I'm having a developing human being in my belly. It's got everything it needs to grow into a full human being. It already is and it' is determined when it comes to its sex, colour of eyes, shape of nails, shape of the nose and more. It's truly amazing. And all this from only two cells. 

I'm going to be a mom - another quite unreal fact. I will be a role model years to come for another human being. It will lear from me how to approach life and the world. I will have a major impact on how in the future this human being is going to shape its life and relationships and truly it's a daunting task. 

In nine moths my life is going to change in a way that I can't even expect now. I know it will be hard and hard, and even harder. I've read enough blogs about single parenting to make me have three abortions and never even consider having a baby by myself but I'm still doing it and a little, very shy voice in my head is whispering that it all might be ok, that I can manage. On those rare occasions when I allow myself to hear this voice I see myself with my offspring happy. I see it smiling and thriving. I see myself smiling as well with my face in the sun gently caressed by warm wind. I see us happy - when I allow myself.


01.03.2015

Blame It On Hormones

 Today I would be back from Paris after the abortion. I would return to my apartment in Bangkok, put my bags down and I would know that I got rid of something that had a potential of a human life. How would I feel about it and how long for? Would I be terribly sad or relieved? Would I march myself into a shrink's office and after few sessions would I be fine and functional? What would my life be?

This I will never know.

What I know is that I'm 11 weeks pregnant and I'm keeping this human being because the only reason I wouldn't have it would be finances and I feel there are more important things in life than money only. Although, I'm sacred of not having it and not being able to provide for my child on my own. But the fact that I'm around USD 3000 short now was not good enough reason for me to have this abortion.

Would be a good reason then the fact that the baby will have no father? Those of my friends who know what's going on in my life now know as well that this 'no father' is a big issue for me. I didn't sleep an entire night last night thinking about it. I'm a reading person so whatever I'm dealing with I'm trying to tame it through literature. The same I did about being a single parent. And what a bleak picture I get from all my research! It seems that I'm doomed. Not only will I struggle financially for the rest of my life but also my child will face all host of behavioural and social issues. It all makes me want to pull my hair out.

On the other hand, I experienced a disturbed home and I know that unhappy parents are no good for children anyway. But then, at least, I had few happy moments with my father and my child will have none and.... And the whole litany goes on.

It seems that I have a trouble with making up my own mind where I stand with my own convictions and beliefs.

I will blame it on hormones.