On Days Like Today

On days like this, and I haven't had them many yet, I feel that everything will be fine. The panic goes away and for  few moments I can actually enjoy the miracle of being pregnant and producing a little human being. I'm wondering what it looks like or what it will look like. I wonder how big it is and what it is. I'm having my next ultrasound tomorrow and I can't wait to see it.

I think it will all be fine. I like this peace of mind that I have - if only for a moment. I feel I am not alone. And I am not. I have told many people already and I'm getting plenty of emotional support and love. I know there are lots of people out there who wich me all the best and cross their fingers for me and for the baby.  On days like this I feel that I will be able to connect with this little human being. On days like this I am glad I didn't have an abortion.

I realize that there is still plenty of those bad days ahead of me as well but at least I see the ray of sunshine on days like this. I need as much of the sunlight as possible now to get on my emotional feet and get ready for a new human being who is about to arrive. 

In six months I will be a mom. In sic months I will push out from the depths of my human existence another being. In six months my life is going to change entirely but on days like this I can see how this change can be positive. I won't say that I am already ready but I've been feeling so much better in last few days. I chose in Paris that I'm doing it and though I still panic at times, on days like this I shyly embrace my decision, feel it and make peace with it. Because why not to embrace it?

When I feel bad about my pregnancy it's usually when I hear this critical voice in my head saying: "who do you think you are that you can do it all by yourself?" This voice is trying to shame me and tell me that I'm not good enough. But deep, deep inside I feel that good enough I am. I am good enough to become a mom and pass everything I know onto my offspring. Yes, we won't be in touch with a dad but this cannot be a decisive factor. There are many kids out there without dads and they are fine if they have stable moms and stable environment to flourish. 

On days like today, I trust more and more that we can make it and be happy.