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13.07.2016

Dad

It's your birthday tomorrow and I've been trying to reach you almost for a week now. When you called me, I was with Helena. I didn't hear... And now you're not answering. 

And I'm scared. 

I know you are alone. No, you are not alone. You are with your best friend: a bottle.

Hello?! Are you there? The voice mail again. My heart skips the beat when I hear your voice. I'm fully aware that it might be the last time I hear it. Or the only time that I hear it. 

I would like to talk to you. But... but what will I tell you? Will I tell you that I'm worried? Will I tell you that it makes me sick to think how you are wasting you life? What are we going to talk about? 

Hello?! Can you hear me? No, you cannot. You never had. I've asked you so many times! I begged you. We all did, You can't hear me from here. You wouldn't hear me even if I were in the same room screaming on top of my lungs that I love you. Even if I gave up my own life, it wouldn't change anything. One person already have. 

You want to die. I know that. You are slowly killing yourself. You don't want to live any more. You gave up. And what is the legacy you are leaving behind? What is that I will remember?! What are the lessons?! Have you ever thought about it?! 

On Friday I'm flying to Europe.  I will not come to see you. I wish I could but I won't. I promised myself that I will not bring Helena to this energy. I told you about it many times. I don't want to be in this energy, though I do feel guilty about it. I'm protecting myself and I feel guilty. You are my father, after all. I should! But I won't. I might never see you again. But it's your choice. You chose to drink, you chose to be like this. I know you are lonely. I am as well. Trust me. I feel your pain. You'd tell me that I'm still young and have things to look forward to and that's why I can't understand what you are going through. Believe me, I do. Each day I struggle as well with demons. Each day, I'm fighting for myself and now also for Helena. Each day I have to make a choice. And sometimes I slip. And I do feel abandoned by my own father. By the man who was supposed to be my anchor, my safe place, my rock. There is nothing. A huge void, darkness and emptiness... there is only a memory of a man who is no more. I can't live all my life off this memory. 

I feel sorry for you, for myself and for all of us that we have to live through in this madness. I feel sorry for wasted lives that cannot be returned. I feel sorry and sad. 

I will try to call you again tomorrow and the day after, and then the day after that. 

Please, answer.


08.07.2016

Getting ready!

Like a prisoner I'm counting the days.  Six more! Six more, two flights and hopefully we will arrive in Paris safely and not too perplexed. 

Few last weeks were hard. The work, Helena and my own life balance have been hard to maintain and the only thing that I really felt most of the time was that I need to sleep. Most of the time I felt that I needed to sleep and if I finally were able to sleep, I think I would not wake up for a month. Very low energy. Many times I felt that there was nothing there to give: not to myself, not to Helena, not to my students... I would do things but without a spark. I would do things but without really having any fun from doing them. I'm feeling a bit better and the trip on the horizon makes me feel even more hopeful.

I was debating myself if I should go home this holiday. My dad isn't well. He is so deep in his addiction that he doesn't see anything any more. He only wants his bottle that lets him forget about everybody and everything, that lets him slowly kill himself. My heart breaks on this thought. I remember the man he used to be and now I'm so scared to see him destroyed and defeated. I haven't seen him in ages. He never skypes me. He rarely receives any phone calls. He cuts himself off. He is lonely and alcohol fills the void. I feel sorry for him and I wish I could do something for him. I wish I could go there and talk to him and he would listen and get better but too many times I've been disappointed. Too many times he lied to me for me to believe that this time it would be otherwise. I would love to see my brothers and my whole family but I need to recharge my own batteries as well. I've been feeling week myself these days and I need a safe place where I can rest. In Poland I won't get it. I would come back to Bangkok more tired and sad if I went home. Home is not my safe place. It hasn't been for a long time already. 

So we are going to France only. Perhaps we can spend Christmas in Poland but that will depend on many things.

We will spend a wonderful time together and we will meet Helena's family who seems lovely. They are so looking forward to meeting her! I couldn't be happier for her. At least this much I can do for her and take her to them. 

My communication with Olivier is very limited. Actually we don't talk to each other at all and if we do, we exchange information about Helena and even this is very short. I guess we don't have anything to say to each other any more and none of us wants to pretend that we are friends.

I'm so looking forward next week!