False Identity

There are many levels of my experience here. One of them is a job.
I came here expecting in a way that in an English speaking country I will have some problems with finding a job as an ESL teacher as there are herds of English teacher roaming around the city. I gave it a go and I left my resume in many places around. No response. Nada. Depressing since I know that I'm a good teacher with loads of experience. Depressing since I love teaching. Nobody wants me here. My CELTA, which I was so proud of,  is not enough. My experience means nothing. I'm supposed to pay 2000 dollars to get my Canadian qualifications. I don't have 2000 dollars. Depressing. Conclusion: I'm not enough. Of course. It's all my fault - I'm not enough. I'm not enough and what is more I don't know who I am any more.
Then I start working in this terrible Greek tavern where I am verbally abused by drunk customers, paid under the minimum wage, I'm shouted at by the owner... Life sucks. 
This job situation made me think how tricky it is to build identity on a career. I was a confident English teacher working in Cambodia with a prospect to have a great job opportunity in Bangkok. In Summer 2011 I felt like the whole world belongs to me based on my job, I dare to think. I got recognized, I got appreciated. I thought I knew where I was going. But then... It was enough to take this away from me and what happened was that I didn't know who I was any more. I wasn't a quite successful English teacher any more. I didn't know who I was. Then I started to think that it is indeed very illusive to build identity on the outside world phenomena. I am inside not outside. No matter what happens the core should be there. I should be the same person whether a teacher or janitor because unexpected happens and I might be forced to do odd things in my life whether ambitious, grand or not they should not influence the core, the I. And the truth is that I can do whatever job if that's what is needed in a situation. I doesn't matter in a short run. I have to think about my career but if there's a twist in it, this twist shouldn't undermine my perception of myself as a capable, knowledgeable human being.
So I'm working on the core now to strengthen it  for the future so that next time I don't feel so terribly disappointed with myself when I have to do a job for a period of time which is not exactly my career. 


See, Feel, Hear

I've been having moments of being shocked at the beauty of the world around me.
I will now stop and look into the sky, look around me and SEE. See the world, people, trees, the sun. I will close my eyes take a deep breath and FEEL the air passing through my nose - something I wouldn't even think of before. I will feel how this air goes into your lungs. Feel how my chest fills with this air. And when walking I will feel my steps. I will feel how my feet touch the ground, HEAR my steps, feel my comfortable (or not) shoes. I will see things I have seen before but through a different eyes. It's all new. Every day. Maybe the same but every day different. There's no repetition even in the most repetitive  act, I have learnt.
It all comes to being here and now. Not tomorrow or yesterday. Here and now with all my Aniasness.


Mother's Day

If she was alive, I'd call her and tell her that I love her. I would tell her that I'm with her and I understand. I would try not to be judgmental, I would try to be patient. I would try to be compassionate. I would tell her that she is not alone and things can work out. But I can't call her. There's no phone number there where she is, no Internet access. She is nowhere and everywhere. But she is. In me. Every day.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.


The World Around Me

Every day before I go to sleep I thank the God (whatever the God is) and the Universe for being here. I do the same in the morning when I wake up unless I'm terribly late for work, which luckily doesn't happen that often. So before and after regressing in the realm of unconscious I try to be grateful for everything and everyone I have a privilege to meet in my life. To truly meet a person is a privilege. To be let in another human being's life is a privilege. To be in a friendship is an honor. I'm grateful for privileges and honors in my life. I'm grateful that I am and I'm grateful that the world and people around me are.


In Canada. Intro.

I haven't been writing this blog for ages. I stopped in Cambodia. I got burnt out and didn't know what to write about when there was for sure thousands of things to write about. I just couldn't pull myself together and write, WHICH HOPEFULLY WILL CHANGE NOW.
My Canadian adventure starts in July 2011 when I met David who visited Poland and saw me in Warsaw. We fell in love and thought that it will be a good idea for us to be in the same place and see how we will work when living together. I landed in Canada in early October to come back to Poland few days later tragic and sad circumstances.
My friends and close ones know that past months have been very difficult for me and my family. I would like to thank everybody for being with us when saying good bye to my Mom. The pain is still there but I know that people think about us and pray for us, and have good memories of us when we are all together. Thank you people as without you I wouldn't be able to make it through initial months and even now, as the mourning hasn't finish yet for me.
I came back to Toronto in early November. I came back to live in 420 Palmerston Blvd where our house is located and where I made my home for ongoing months.
David's family accepted me immediately as a member of their family and have been looking after me ever since. Thank you David, Shirley, Susan, Fred, Doris, Hilde... it all wouldn't be possible for me without your support. I appreciate every moment spent here even if some of them haven't been happy. You've made me feel at home here, which is just amazing and makes me feel a very special person. I might not stay in Toronto  but all of you will stay with me forever deep, deep in my memories and in my heart. You give me hope and courage that the future holds a good hand for me, I just have to wait to be dealt the cards.

The Fall and Winter passed. I worked in a terrible bar about which I really don't want to remember. The Spring brought me a new job but a breakup with David. Life has proven a bit more complicated than we both thought.

I'm staying here until I can though. Toronto in Spring and in Summer is absolutely amazing and I want to show you people and places here that I love. I will show you how beautiful it is here. I'm so lucky I can be here.