On Being Scared

Everybody says that it's normal to have doubts and to be scared of what is about to happen. Life is going to be turned upside -down, on its head completely and nobody knows what is going to happen. Nobody can tell me that this or this will happen, they can only predict, tell me about their experiences and compassionately nod thier heads when I vent my worries. 

Oh, man! I'm scared. I though reading would be a good idea to calm those scary voices down but it seems that most of the current publications are written to freak me out even more. It feels sometimes like we went from one extreme to another: from an absolute glorification of parenthood to presenting it in a really bleak manner. With some annotations that after all it's worth it... I don't know. So why do people have children if all this is such a terrible experience? Because it's expected from them? Honestly, reading what I'm reading now sometimes makes me feel like only the insane would put themselves through it and nobody would willingly chose to get pregnant. So is it really that bad? Apart from sleepless nights? I need some lifelines as a future mum.


Mother's Day and Few Other Thoughts

My first one.
It happened that I spoke with my G1 about motherhood of the nature and how we all come from the same and different mothers -  from women who have the unique ability to give life and also to take it of that's their wish.

Very, very powerful.

I think about what is ahead of me and I'm filled with awe but also filled with apprehension. Will I be a good mom? Will I be able to give her whatever she needs and find in this myself?

Nobody knows.

I read, I speak to people, I try to educate myself but I am well aware that no amount of reading, talking, and thinking will prepare me for the U-turn my life is about to take.

When I worked out today, I asked: God, please give me the strength, please. And the voice told me: It's all in you, you already have all you need. I felt comforted. I will listen to that voice and repeat again and again that I already have what it takes to be a good enough mom for the Little Girl who will soon appear in my life.



550g of a human being dwells in my body. 550g that is turning my life up-side-down. 
I went to a doctor today. We are both healthy - she is healthy and kicking, I'm healthy and running, walking and eating well so that when she's out some heatly habits are already in place. Ha! I wish it was that easy. 

I must admit that when I read things in books, things written by mother for mothers, by doctors for mothers, I get a feeling sometimes that these materials are there to scare me even more and give me a bigger headache. I am freaking out and I don't need more so I sometimes think that those publications exadurate the pains of parenthood but then... I think that they probably don't and what is presented is just an honest account of what will become my reality in four months.

Four months!!! And counting. I have a calendar on the wall in which like a prisoner I cross out the days. It seems that I won't be able to do all the things I wanted to do before she arrives like: learning fluent French and Hindi, going to India, learning yoga, becoming a marathon runner and doing my masters. And some more... The good thing is that come to think about it, I can do most of these things when She is here if I won't go crazy first.

But first things first... 

First I have to push out this litte body, which still seems to me more like si-fi than a fact of life. I still want to believe that a stork will drop Her at my doorstep and that will be it. Dream on.

As I'm already here, I'd like to thank all the people around the world who send me the words of courage. I think I've never been in more a need of feeling that the world around me is with me. I feel it and I'm very grateful. Thank you!!!


Saturday Morning

I'm still counting my blessings and I'm determined to continue. 

After all this turmoil and distress I'm determined to relax, look around and practice every day gratefulness for all the things I have in my life.

1. I have great friends and people who love me and my Daughter. 

In the midst of this crisis I reached out to many people asking for spiritual, mental and financial help. In 99% cases I was heard out and helped, or offered help and I find it very healing since it proves that going out there and talking about needs in a powerful tool. This experience made me truly believe that I am NOT alone and when the goings get though, I have a network of people who are there for me. This is a blessing.

2. I have my own experiences to rely on.

In past few years I have changed my life quite significantly. It all started with my Mom's death when I realized that there is nothing more important in life than feeling wholesome and worthy. When I was in Canada I fell into a network of people who taught me how to cope with this huge loss and come out on the other side. After a year of conscious grieving, I was more centered and happier than at any time of my life. Surely, it wasn't the end of the process but the beginning. Then I came back to Thailand and my life kept changing. For better I think, though it not always felt like this. There are still things I have to work on and sometimes it feels exhausting. Like... at the end of this year I felt I was on top of the world. 2014 was the best year in my life in many ways and then... and then I got pregnant, Olivier walked away and it felt like the whole world that I had been carefully building was coming to an end. The world was shaking, I heard the apocalyptic trumpets singing. It was all quite scary. I had to pull everything I had lerant together and use all my resources to get through this. The apocalypse hasn't happened. It's just the beginning of a long walk but I'm feeling so much more optimistic about the future now thank I was few month ago. All this thanks to the previous hard times.

Whith more and more excitement I'm expecting this Little Girl to arrive. Meanwhile. I'm enjoying my solo Saturday morning with a book and music.