Another Month

Every month, on this day I feel proud of myself that, after all, I'm holding it all together. 

I pay my bills and I smile. 

I pay the nanny and I'm grateful that this wonderful woman is still with us and looks after Helena with so much care and love. I hate to think that we will lose her in October.

I buy nappies and milk for Helena and I feel happy that I can look after my baby and give her shelter, warmth and food. 

I do the groceries and I think that I'm lucky I can get all these veggies and fruits. 

I pay back my student loan and I can't wait till it's over! Six more months to go. 

I'm doing it all by myself. I feel quite proud. No, no. I'm feeling very proud. Disappointed that Helena's father... whatever. Another time.

We don't have much. I will have to pick up some extra work soon - Helena is growing fast and soon she will need new wardrobe, soon she will need a bit more than nappies only.  And shoes! Soon she will need shoes which I was reminded of when talking about our visit to Europe. It's colder there! And kids need shoes. Here, not so much. But there - it's a different story. 

We're going in 45 days.  I'm counting them because I'm a bit tired and I'm looking forward to some holidays. I'm working 24/7 now. Last night before I fell asleep I was thinking about my life before Helena and how free and careless things were. I remembered how easy it was to go to the gym and how I could spend hours there or in the pool. Now it's a bit more complicated. I'm not one person any more. Do I regret it? No. I just miss having time for myself but I imagine it will change as well one day. Everything will change. With Helena everything is dynamic. 

Tomorrow, my Little Helena is 9 months! 18 months have passed since the conception. A year and a half. Wow! Wow! Wow! Another month of growth and experiencing the world. Another month of learning and getting to know things around. How she has changed! I looked at the pictures from the hospital! She was so little and she couldn't do anything by herself. And now! Now she is learning new things every day and each day she is becoming more and more independent. Helena knows how her name and reacts to it. She claps her hands and waves goodbyes. She knows when I say 'come' and she comes (not always, she has her opinion as well if it's worth to comes). She even has her favourite songs: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" and "Il est ne, le divin enfant", a French Christmas song.  She has her favourite book and a toy. She likes things and some she doesn't and it's amazing to observe how this all is changing and developing. 

So another moth... We've done it, Helena! Yay!!!



It was Mother's Day yesterday in Poland.

It's the fourth one without Mom. I can't even express how I miss her. I look at her picture every day and I miss her every day: sometimes more, sometimes less but the feeling is there. She is being missed. 

I'm thinking sometimes that she didn't give us a chance. But then, I would never in the world have accepted what was going on at home. 

Still, that she chose to end her life is painful. 

 I still remember her smell, I remember her voice. I remember how she lit and held a cigarette. I remember everything. I remember how she laughed and I remember how she cried. Her tears are engraved on my heart. I remember how she danced and how she loved music - the louder, the better. I remember how she loved cinema. I remember how she loved. 

She loved life. She wanted to live but she didn't know how any more. It was too much. I know it was too much.

Mom, I hope that you're watching us, me and Helena and that you are proud of us. Watch over us. We love you.



21.1 km is a distance that breaks sweat. It's not a killer but it's not something that you can just get up and run if you want to complete it at a decent time. 

It wasn't easy to find the time to train with Helena. Work, training, Helena, trying to learn some French and squeeze in few minutes to relax. This is a lot for one person. Without Helena's nanny I wouldn't be able to do any of this. Actually, I wouldn;t be able to function. I don't have a family here - so Ms Vivien is the only person now who can help. 

And help she does. Last Wednesday it happened that I fell down the stairs at school. Straight on my elbo with all by body weight. It hurt and I was not able to move my arm for few days. Just before the race. There was a race in January - I got sick, now I fell down the stairs - I decided that even if I'd have to crawl to the finishing line, I'm not resigning. And I didn't.

I put some bandage on, took painkillers and run.

Oh, what a wonderful run it was!!! I flew! I was happy and felt light. I dedicated this race to Helena and my Mom. I would love Helena to grow up with sport - it teaches so much about life, about challenge, about grit and perseverance. I want her to experience the joys of completing a challenge, the ups and downs of getting the goal - it's not easy. It takes motivation and dedication. It takes some character to train. It takes a decision to make that one is reay to make this commitment. This I want Helena to grow up with and learn from me. Nobody has taught me these things. I had to find them myself and it took me way too much time. For my Mom... I hope that she was watching me proudly from the above: I haven't given up and I'm running. In last few years I was dealt difficult hands: her death, then Helena and the whole stress around it. But here I am! And I'm running, one step at a time. I'm not a champion but I do my work, and I am committed. I hope she sees that and cheers me up. I know she does. 

When the gun went of, my eyes welled up with tears. There I was again - racing, competing with myself mostly but without unnecessary worries about time. I enjoyed the run. I was the run. I was the weather around me and I was one with myself and the nature. I ran with a smile. I ran with my heart filled with love - filled with love to Helena, to my friends, to the world. I ran grateful for what I have and where I am. Last year,  there were moments when I thought I would no more be. But I am and I will be. 

On the finishing line Helena was waiting for me and it was the best thing ever!!! She smiled and I know that she knew how important it was for me. I know she felt me happy and that made her happy as well.

So there. I was ninth in my age category with 2hrs19 min at the finishing line. Not bad a all.

When I stop being sore from Sunday, I'm staring training to another run sometimes soon and I'm seriously considering a full marathon in November here in Bangkok. 

Happy at the finishing line


Rights and Responsibilities

Last night Olivier demanded that I remove his name from all my posts here under the claim that they are harmful and invade his privacy. When I said that I would consider this, guess what? He threatened me that he will report on me to Blogger and say that I'm harassing him. A pattern: whenever I don't want to comply, I'm being reminded that actions can be taken against me because he has rights to demand things from me. I should be respectful and respect his life... To make me more aware of my wrongdoings, I was told that I even might be punished for the things I wrote.  In a post some time ago I said that if a woman that he'd been dating and who also wanted to help him convince me to have an abortion came close to Helena, I would rip her into pieces... Easy, I will not! I used it as a figure of speech and I have never and will never harm anyone. I still stand firmly on the grounds, though, that I don't want her to have anything to do with my daughter. Ever.

I looked at the Blogger's privacy policy today and the truth is that I haven't violated anyone's good name. I can write about my life and as long as I don't spread lies and harmful content, I'm fine. Blogger rarely takes down anything down unless it's serious. They suggest that if a dispute arises, the two parties resolve it among themselves. Everything I have written about Olivier and his relationship with us, Helena and me, is true. What is more, haven't written some things, exactly these things that could be harmful. Why? Because he asked me not to. So I didn't.

Last night I was told that I'm being difficult and everything is always difficult with me.

So far it's never been a problem and Olivier has been aware that his name has been used. I'm guessing though that he just doesn't want new people to know. Oh, he says that it's my life and he doesn't want to be involved in it... So far the post directed to Gaelle wasn't a problem as well. He actually laugh to me about her reaction to it not that long time ago. But now, his name in this blog on the second page in Google has become a problem.

He's been very good at demanding his rights, especially those related to Helena and I've never done anything to make things between the two of them difficult. He asks - he gets. But when somebody is so good with claiming their rights, they also should know their responsibilities. And so far, ever since he left, he declined to fulfill his responsibilities towards Helena. I was told that the court will rule out things, then I was told that Helena has no expenses, then I was reminded that I have my own salary to cover everything, and lastly I was told that he has his expenses in US in France and supporting Helena now is not in his budget. It's me, however, who is being difficult.

I took down his legal name. It's not worth the fight.


A Sleeping Milestone

On Monday evening I was soooo tired that I couldn't take another sucking session from Helena and as she was getting ready to grab my nipple I said no to it. This is, somehow organically, the decision has been made that feeding and carrying to sleep have to go. I should have told Helena about it before I implemented the procedure (I do believe she understands what's going on around her) but she was informed about it during what turned out to be three hours of crying. Three very long hours during which I had to be firm but gentle, consistent and confident. Not an easy task when the Little one is crying and looks so sad that one wants to pick her up at once rock her to sleep and forget about everything. But I didn't give in. I was there with her all the time, on the bed, next to her when she was crying. I assured her that I am there with her and I will never leave her in need. She cried and cried, and cried. She didn't know why the teaty was suddenly gone: her beloved nipple, her consolation, her best friend, her safe place was gone. My hear was broken but I stuck to my guns. Eventually after said three hours she fell asleep and I fell on my face. Tired. 

The next day, yesterday was much easier and my spirits got up. She cried but less - maybe and hour and a half. We stared the ritual earlier: lights down, screens off, bath, food, burp and bed. She surely wanted to be carried around and wanted to be given a breast but the whole drama didn't last long and soon Helena drifted away in sleep. And so I spelt as well.

Today a miracle has happened and she fell asleep without crying. She was told that today will be the same as two other days and that she will be falling asleep by herself. The whispering bear was on, I sang Silent Night and after 45 minutes Helena was out. Yay!!! She woke up for a moment crying very loud but was able to find her safe place soon after and went back to sleep. 

I am so happy with this. I still wake up during the night twice but already I can see that the quality of her sleep and mine has improved. It's so important for both of us to be well rested even if it means that each day is anchored in the same routine. 

I'm well aware that tomorrow may be different and she might not sleep at all but I will nevertheless celebrate my little parental victory. I will celebrate it here and on Facebook since I have nobody here right next to me to share these little victories with. And it's a major victory, actually.

I feel a bit sad myself, I must admit. Weaning Helena means that she is becoming more independent and she is approaching a finishing line of  her infancy. I love watching her grow and each milestone she hits gives me so much happiness but I realize that time passes quickly. Time used to fly before she was born but now it is travelling with the speed of light. 

So here we are! Another beautiful day with Helena - a day to be grateful for. I will sleep like a baby tonight!



I haven't been here in such a long time! Oh my! It's been a month already! And honestly, I can't even remember what's been happening. I should probably be taking notes on daily basis to remember. Basically, life revolves around Helena, my work and training. I'm getting ready to a half-marathon now and with full-time job and with Helena, getting ready is tough. Last week we were both a bit sick so going to the gym was not an option. The week before that I took my exercise to work so that I didn't waste my time on coming back home, changing and walking to the gym. I will have to go back to it after the half-marathon is done.

Meanwhile I'm also trying to learn some French and I had a lesson with a lovely teacher. I was told that I did a great job studying myself and I was so happy speaking my broke French. The language lives with me and all I need now is to practice. All... it's not such an easy thing to organize the lessons when I only have an hour free after work. My teacher's schedule has changed and now she cna't be coming here on Fridays... I might not be able to continue with her... Life of a mom is not easy - it's very busy. 

Soon, it will be even busier - I'm going back to school in October. 

I guess then I will have to seriously prioritize - I know already that I won't be able to do all these things at the same time. Alone. I wish I could but with Helena... I have her to attend and I want to spend time with my daughter whenever I can! It's bad enough that she spends most of her waking hours with Ms. Vivien who is wonderful and carrying but who is not Helena's mom. So recently even when I run, I run. I'm running when running. It's running in a hurry. It's running with higher speed in less time. I do the intervals and started doing 15km/hr just to make my workout more efficient. How I envy those moms who have two hands to help them and somebody to take over. Though, it is what it is for now and these are the circumstances I'm in andall I can do it to look into a bright future and do my best.

Meanwhile San Fransisco is a fascinating place full of interesting activities and fun. (sic!!!) 

Helena is growing fast and almost daily she is becoming more and more independent. It will still take some time before I see put on her own clothes and wipe her own butt. She has recently mastered the art of sitting and staying in the position for longer than three seconds and falling on her side. Now she is sitting, she is anchored and she is upright. And when she is sitting like this and when I watch hep playing, I can't stop but think that it all goes so fast. The days are long but the months and years are very fast. Eight moths ago she was laying on the bed totally unaware where she was and completely helpless and now... and no she knows so much about the world already! She knows for example how to get my attention in the morning by whacking me on my face with her adorable little hand and by giving me a wettest kiss in the world which is not really a kiss yet but sucking my lips. Adorable. The world of dripping saliva and laud farts. The world of laughs and smiles so sweet that no matter how tired I am when They happen, I'm back on my feet again. Each day I love her more and more and each day we are learning each other. What an experience! Yes, I am tired. I'm sometimes so tired that I want to cry. I'm sometimes so tired that I get annoyed and I'm angry with the whole world: Olivier and other people who are not there for me and Helena as they should. And it all is ok, It;s ok to be tired as I'm doing something tiring and difficult. But... but I know deep, deep in my heart that it will all be fine and that one day I will get at least my sleep back. Or not (ha, ha, ha). Nobody knows but for my own comfort I want to believe that one day, sometimes in the future, things will settle. 

With all this, I also remember to be grateful for all I have. I've been seeing recently posts on Facebook about sick children with cancer and I just can't imagine. Lives destroyed in a second with one word: cancer. That's why I celebrate each moment with Helena remembering that we don't have it all that hard. We are surrounded by good people, we have some money, I have work which allows me to provide for myself and Helenka and we are both healthy, thank God. It's all good. 

So that's that. One day at a time. Step by step.

That was us last Sunday. Such a great weekend with my Girl!