Every month, on this day I feel proud of myself that, after all, I'm holding it all together.
I pay my bills and I smile.
I pay the nanny and I'm grateful that this wonderful woman is still with us and looks after Helena with so much care and love. I hate to think that we will lose her in October.
I buy nappies and milk for Helena and I feel happy that I can look after my baby and give her shelter, warmth and food.
I do the groceries and I think that I'm lucky I can get all these veggies and fruits.
I pay back my student loan and I can't wait till it's over! Six more months to go.
I'm doing it all by myself. I feel quite proud. No, no. I'm feeling very proud. Disappointed that Helena's father... whatever. Another time.
We don't have much. I will have to pick up some extra work soon - Helena is growing fast and soon she will need new wardrobe, soon she will need a bit more than nappies only. And shoes! Soon she will need shoes which I was reminded of when talking about our visit to Europe. It's colder there! And kids need shoes. Here, not so much. But there - it's a different story.
We're going in 45 days. I'm counting them because I'm a bit tired and I'm looking forward to some holidays. I'm working 24/7 now. Last night before I fell asleep I was thinking about my life before Helena and how free and careless things were. I remembered how easy it was to go to the gym and how I could spend hours there or in the pool. Now it's a bit more complicated. I'm not one person any more. Do I regret it? No. I just miss having time for myself but I imagine it will change as well one day. Everything will change. With Helena everything is dynamic.
Tomorrow, my Little Helena is 9 months! 18 months have passed since the conception. A year and a half. Wow! Wow! Wow! Another month of growth and experiencing the world. Another month of learning and getting to know things around. How she has changed! I looked at the pictures from the hospital! She was so little and she couldn't do anything by herself. And now! Now she is learning new things every day and each day she is becoming more and more independent. Helena knows how her name and reacts to it. She claps her hands and waves goodbyes. She knows when I say 'come' and she comes (not always, she has her opinion as well if it's worth to comes). She even has her favourite songs: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" and "Il est ne, le divin enfant", a French Christmas song. She has her favourite book and a toy. She likes things and some she doesn't and it's amazing to observe how this all is changing and developing.
So another moth... We've done it, Helena! Yay!!!