When I found out thatbI was pregnant, it was like finding out that I was going to the Moon. I was petrified. I was scared that I won't be able to make it happen financially and emotionally. Would I be able to love her? Would I like her? Would I connect to her or would I be cold and distant? I read lots of things about instances when mothers don't like their children. I read about how some mothers reject their offspring and I was scared that I might be one of them. My maternal instincts had never been srong... And with all this initial mess with Olivier and my emotional turmoil, I was scared that I might project my resentment on an innocent human being. I had one thousand questions and very few definite answers.
Helena arrived and all of the sudden all those doubts disappeared.
Helena made me fall for her in secods. I look at her with each glance, I feel my love for her is growing stronger. Each day, this little girl shows me that I have tons of love to give and that this love is like no other loves I've ever experienced.
I love her, I love her, I love her.
I love her easy and I love her fussy. I love her happy and annoyed. I love her sleeping and I love hanging out with her. I love her in the morning, afternoon and at night. I love her deeply and happily and I will do my best so that this relationship is growing stronger and deeper.
I have a wonderful little girl who is my teacher and a guide. She shows me the way, I tune in and listen and together we walk our days.
I cannot be happier.
Before Olivier came and even before he's came round and wanted to be a dad, I though I've forgiven him all this pain and wrong he did me. It only proves how little I know about forgiveness and how real peace of mind is difficult to attain. My broken heart hasn't healed yet and I feel it will need much more time to do so. A very difficult exercise. "Let it go Ania. Let it go. He has never been yours in the first place otherwise he would have stayed. Let it go and live your life with Helena, be happy and put the past in the past. Let it go. I love you, Ania and I will never leave you, I will be your rock - I've been it for a while already. Breathe out and let it go" I hear this gentle voice talking to me. Then I look at Helena and all I want for her is to have a happy mom, not bothered with some petty relationship issues. She is the relationship now, the commitment and the love now. It all needs time. Aghhh!!!
I'm happy they are together: Helena and her Dad. I need to find my own space in it with open head, open heart and realistic outlook on the situation. For my own sake, I need to make peace with the fact that Olivier's love flows in a different direction now and let him go. So it be. Go, go, go! GO already!