I'm Loving It

There are moments when I'm not. Especially in the middle of the night, just when I have to go to work in the morning or at 4:30 in the morning when Helena decides that the night is over and it's time to play.  Then I'm not loving it so much, this whole thing called being a mom. Then all the reason is gone, fast asleep and the only thing I want is to be asleep as well.  But these moments are rare, thank goodness, so on the balance sheet I love it more often than I don't. 

If it's not 4:30 in the morning, I love being woken up by this little human climbing on top of my head, puling my hair out, sticking her fingers into my ears and nose, and giving me the biggest and the brightest smile in the world. The day's started, Mom!!! I'm here!!! I love you!!! And a big smile, just like this. Not because I've done anything special, not because it's a special day - a big smile that conveys the joy of life, the bliss, the happiness of just being. 

And then we cuddle. Helena crawls to a fan and plays around with the buttons, on and off, on and off. The we cuddle some more. I do the monkey, or a puppy and a kitty, she smiles more or even laughs. I laugh back and then together on all four  we crawl to the kitchen to put the kettle on for coffee. (I spend most of my time now on my four with Helena crawling like her looking at the world from the floor perspective).

We play, we go swimming, we eat... we have some time apart as well when Helena sleeps and I do my own things, or when she is with her nanny and I can go to the gym or read/learn something... but it's always such a pleasure to go back to her and her smile, and jovial personality. We go to a park to see some other kids and just lay on the grass, or rather crawl on it or look into the sky.

When the night comes, we have already the whole ritual figured out: shower, bottle, sleep and it's getting better and better. Helena is out - she falls asleep in my arms. Her little body relaxes in my arms, I sing her a lullaby, she find her comfort and drifts safely away. I kiss her head thousand times, her soft her tickles my lips. I feel her smell. It's all wonderful 

I'm more than aware that those moments will pass. Helena will not be a baby for a long time and that's why I'm trying to enjoy her babyhood and be present as much as I can.  Here and now is the most important. And here and now is good. I'm not impressed with her father and how he left and how he doesn't care to chip in  the finances claiming that Helena has no expenses. He said he had declared his readiness to help and he had till I said I wasn't going to the States. So what was the best to punish me? Money! He will tell me that he has got the right to see Helena - sure! But with the rights come responsibilities and these have been recently neglected on the father's side. As if also I was asking for a fortune! Shame! As I was asking for money for shoes and bags! And the court will decide! Blah, blah, blah... We are again abandoned and I can't take it any more. So what was the purpose of coming here in the first place? On the bright side, his family are very attentive and call Helena regularly have offered help! But I cringe because Helena has a father who should help, not the family. I also regret that we can't do it together. Very much! It's not only about the money but as we can't do it otherwise, Helena should be getting financial assistance from her father BY THE LAW! I'm not asking about anything else. By the law both parents are supposed to financially support the child. BOTH PARENTS as much as they can. BOTH. And since the two DNA tests, Helena has had a father. So like it o not, we are both in it and not because I had insisted on his presence. O. came to Helena's life as his own decision ready to be the father. Or was he? I'm not writing this to discredit Helena's dad - he was great with her, he helped a lot, and I'm sure he loves her, I have no doubts but he tends to treat me like nothing, or at least it feels like this, and after all that we've been through, it feels very fucking unfair.

Apart from that... We are good. I am good and in love. In love with this little girl of mine. I look at her in her sleep and I swear that I she is the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen. 

I'm loving it.


From Bangkok

It's been already a week since my last day at school. The time is flying so I'm enjoying each day with my little one. We play, we sing, we talk, we laugh and smile, we watch Peppa the Pig, and we go swimming. There's no time to be bored. 

With all this I'm assisted by Helena's nanny - Ms. Vivien who is an angel and makes my life here with Helena possible. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be able to work! I cringed one day when she said that she might be going back to the Philippines and never come back. I told her than I will be on my knees begging her not to do so. She is so good. I wish I could pay her more because she surely is worth more than I can give her (I hope she won't find somebody who will give her more and go - Helena loves her so much already...). But I can't pay more since I'm doing it all my myself. Ms Vivien knows that we are on one salary and says that she's not going anywhere. For now.

Myself I'm annoyed that Helena's father has left me like this. No more about this, I'm annoyed and I'm wondering what to do with it all. Fucking court will decide... I can't get over it. Maybe the court should decide about other things as well then...  When I tried to talk about it - I got impolitely ignored. All this can be put this way: encore le mots, tojour de mots, le meme mots, rien que de mots!!! 

Luckily Helena is healthy, happy and smiley.  If anyone is missing something is surely not me. I can get by on every little I have and Helena will have to get by with me. She doesn't care for now and I'm doing everything I can to make her happy and safe, and to be prepared for emergencies. So much I can do alone. 

On a different note: on the 22nd of May I'm running a half marathon and I'm dedicating in to my mom, Helena and myself. I hope that I will never run out of steam in life and that I will be able to face no matter what the future holds.Running long distances in like living life: you need a lot of determination and dedication to finish the race. You need to practice and commit, and there are no shortcuts. Sounds like raising a child as well. 

It's not all easy and I would like to be better supported by the other side but I've decided not to despair and try to make the most of whatever little I have. And maybe I should also stop saying that it's little: I have a roof over my head, food on my table, my daughter is healthy and I'm healthy, I have secured a job for next two years... possibly it's not that little. It's all I have now and it has to be enough.

So now, enough of this writing and off I go to play with teddy bears.