Tomorrow we're going back to Bangkok. Our family hoilday is coming to an end. And what a trip it was!!!
Helena is a great company. This little girls lives water, swimming with her parents, playing with is in a bath and walking with us along tla beach. She was with us all the time and it's been such a great pleasure to look after her, play with her and show her new things.
Olivier is a great dad, I'm a great mom - we're making a good parenting team.
Yes, yes... things are not ideal byt thanks to an honest conversations we've had I'm feeling better. So we spoke, we listened to each other and each of us heard what pains and aches the other one is struggling with. I'm struggling more in this relationship. Nonetheless, it's been good. It is good. We are here for Helenka, we are a good team, we like each other and I'm leaving things this way. Pushing never works. The oposite is a sign of respect.
Home bound tomorrow. I'm so happy I still have 12 days with my little one before I go back to work. 12 days of getting up when we want, 12 days of kisses without any time limit, 12 days of relax, 12 days of training to the half marathon, 12 days of love, love and more love.
This is what's important. The rest of the world may as well disappear.
s but riding the wave. I should be going back to that post more often and not allow myself to be tormented by people and circumnsqtances.
Especially now when Helena is here and the energies should be saved for her. So no more. No more obsessing about Gaelle, no more snooping, no more, no more, no more. I want peace. Yes, I will not allow her anywhere close Helena for the time being. I'm not sure if that has ever been Olivier's intention to introduce us or Helena to Gaelle but in case such an idea has been around: I say no to it already loud and clear. No and no!!! I'm still hurt and angry and it will take time. Breath in and out.
No more negativity. Breath in and out.
I have the most beautiful girl in the world. Breath in and out.
And so life goes on. A lot of the things are happening in my head and only there - I'm creating false images from the scraps of information that I get from here and there and I probably should stop right now and get on with my own life. It'll be tricky living with Olivier but that will not last forever as well and one day I might look back and conclude that obsessing all about it and not enjoying the present moment was such a horrible waste of time. So, slowly, slowly... one day at a time.
On a more positive note, we are going to Phuket next week!!! The school finishes tomorrow and I will have all the time in the world to be with Helena. Oh, my little Helena!!! She is getting bigger and smarter each day. The day before yesterday I borrowed a picture book from the school library and showed it to Helenka. Oh, how she laughd. How she loved the pictures. And yesterday I did the monkey for her and she laughed even more. There is nothing better than seeing her eyes lit up with happiness and joy! My little monkey! My little Helenka.
The weekend is over. It was looong. And full of crying. Interchengably Helena and I cried. I cried because I didn't know how to help her, she cried because she wasn't helped. I hated it. I hate when my otherwise happy Baby is so unhappy that she cannot breath any more from crying.
I felt angry as well. At her. Angry at this little baby who doesn't known what's going on with her. Angry. Angry so much that I told her to shut up. Few times. She didn't but I'm sure she must not have liked my tone. And then I felt like such an asshole for telling her to shut up and for being angry. And I cried. And we both cried.She cried because I didn't understand my Baby. I cried because I felt guilty, hopeless, tired and depleated, and sleepy, and lonely.
I love Helena with every monecule of my body. I'm writing this post lying next to her in bed and feeling so much love for this Little Girl. But still, I wanted her to shut up. Crying baby is difficult to stand. Crying baby in hysterics is even more challenging. Though I know I should control my anger and never be disrespectful of my Baby. I apologized. I'm trying to be best mom I can. I fail somtimes. But it's another day tomorrow and we start the game from the beginning. There will be more challenging days to come and more work for me to do on myself and my emotions. It'll never end.
The weekend is over. Our home is quiet and filled with love and the smell of the baby, and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
When I found out thatbI was pregnant, it was like finding out that I was going to the Moon. I was petrified. I was scared that I won't be able to make it happen financially and emotionally. Would I be able to love her? Would I like her? Would I connect to her or would I be cold and distant? I read lots of things about instances when mothers don't like their children. I read about how some mothers reject their offspring and I was scared that I might be one of them. My maternal instincts had never been srong... And with all this initial mess with Olivier and my emotional turmoil, I was scared that I might project my resentment on an innocent human being. I had one thousand questions and very few definite answers.
Helena arrived and all of the sudden all those doubts disappeared.
Helena made me fall for her in secods. I look at her with each glance, I feel my love for her is growing stronger. Each day, this little girl shows me that I have tons of love to give and that this love is like no other loves I've ever experienced.
I love her, I love her, I love her.
I love her easy and I love her fussy. I love her happy and annoyed. I love her sleeping and I love hanging out with her. I love her in the morning, afternoon and at night. I love her deeply and happily and I will do my best so that this relationship is growing stronger and deeper.
I have a wonderful little girl who is my teacher and a guide. She shows me the way, I tune in and listen and together we walk our days.
I cannot be happier.
Before Olivier came and even before he's came round and wanted to be a dad, I though I've forgiven him all this pain and wrong he did me. It only proves how little I know about forgiveness and how real peace of mind is difficult to attain. My broken heart hasn't healed yet and I feel it will need much more time to do so. A very difficult exercise. "Let it go Ania. Let it go. He has never been yours in the first place otherwise he would have stayed. Let it go and live your life with Helena, be happy and put the past in the past. Let it go. I love you, Ania and I will never leave you, I will be your rock - I've been it for a while already. Breathe out and let it go" I hear this gentle voice talking to me. Then I look at Helena and all I want for her is to have a happy mom, not bothered with some petty relationship issues. She is the relationship now, the commitment and the love now. It all needs time. Aghhh!!!
I'm happy they are together: Helena and her Dad. I need to find my own space in it with open head, open heart and realistic outlook on the situation. For my own sake, I need to make peace with the fact that Olivier's love flows in a different direction now and let him go. So it be. Go, go, go! GO already!
What a journey it was! I went to hospital on Tuesday and wasn't really sure if I wanted to do it on that day. After all Helena was supposed to be born on the 17th and I didn't know if it was a right thing to bring her here earlier. But I decided to trust the doctor and follow her advice.
They plugged me in the IV at noon and freaked me out like hell because we lost Helena's pulse. The nurses shouted something to each other, I didn't understand what... just the thought that I could loose her was so painful that for the rest of the tme in the labor room I kept asking about her heart rate. All was good.
Then the real pain started. It was something nobody could have prepared me. Long story short, for an hour I was somewhere else and I was somebody else. In the delivery room it was even worse - to the point that I wasn't all that sure any more that I could make it. Thank God I had Maggie with me who was the best cheerleader ever. She held my hand all this time and made me believe that it all be ok. The final push took me to the other orbit and it was over.
All went quiet and I saw Helena.
Suddenly nothing else mattered and all the pain was gone.
It was only Helena and I in this room and I couldn not have been happier.
On the 1st of September I've started my new life with the most beautiful, gracious and patient girl in the world. I want to tell the whole world about her and how in a split of a second she became my centre of the Universe.
It was quite an emotional afternoon for me today. The IB workshop finished - for me it was the last one for a while. Of course, not the last one ever... hopefully though I have these thoughts that some things will never happen to me again. Those are voices that attack me saying: oh, you'll never be able to go to the cinema by yourself again, you'll never be able to read a book in peace, and the list goed on and on. It takes work to dismiss these voices and at times they do become overwhelming.
They overwhelmed me today. They started working on me last night with the anxiety on labor pain and finally reduced me to tears when I was asked to write a letter to myself which I'll be allowed to read in a year time.
As I was in the classroom with other people I struggled with holding my tears back, could not any more when I left school.
When I was writing this letter it sruck me yet another time how dramatically my life is going to change. I keep in mind that the change will be possibly good but I'm scared nevertheless. Scared that I'll loose what I've been working on for such a long. Scared that my IB journey will come to an end before it really has taken off properly. Scared that I won't be able to make these things happen. Today, sitting still was not working. Tears become the only relief.
So I sat and cried.
And when I stopped, I felt much better, lighter. I remembered that I don't need to have all the answers today, that all will happen at its time when it's supposed to happen.