Four More Weeks

Last week on Monday I met my new students and I can't be happier to be a teacher to this bunch of funny kiddos. They are sweet and driven, and just very nice. I hope it wasn't just a hoax on their side to impress me and they will stay this way for the rest of the year.

In two weeks I will leave them for two months, though, and take a maternity leave.  A holiday without a holiday. A time off to meet my daughter, get to know her and spend some time with her. Very little time but it is what it is and I'm not planning to take myself on any guilt trips. No guilt. This is what we have now and this is what has to be enough. The end.

I have four more weeks to go. Few more visits to the doctor and then the very last one when I will be pushing Helena towards this world. After my post about feeling scared of this whole process some friends of mine wrote to me and cheered me up saying that if they could have done it, I can as well. And I will try to do it on my own but if not, the doctor promised she will help. And since I trust this woman, I will stay with the though that I can. I can push Helena out even if it means being in pain for hours and hours. But who knows what really will happen. I only hope that I will not die, or that she will not he hurt in any way. 

Four weeks! Seems like nothing considering that I really think that I've been through the shortest pregnancies in the  history of the world. To me it was like yesterday when I did the test in the cinema toilet, then went to Paris to face my fears, come back and cried till I could no more. It was yesterday when I woke up and made a decision that I could cry more or honor this time and spend the rest of these nine months looking after myself and Helena. 

And so I chose the option number two. 

I must say - it's been a great time. A very anxious time but a great one nevertheless. I know already that I will look back one day and say that I did all I could to help myself. I will be able to say that I was my best friend and did not abandon myself when I needed myself the most. Of course, I got helped from the outside world: family and friends and it gave me more determination and fuel to go on. One day at a time.  I've been my own best friend during this time. What a change, though! I started as my own worst enemy!

When I found out that I was pregnant all I could think was how stupid I was. When it turned out that I will do it by myself, I hated myself even more. I hated myself for being naive, for letting myself being hurt so much when I thought I was safe in the world I had created around me. All had been perfect: my comfort zone. my school, my work, my life... Perfect! I was on the top of the world. And then in a second I was falling into an abyss. And I thought didn't know how to fly. I was too occupied in self-hate and self-pity to see that I do have tools and that I'm not completely powerless. It took me three months of sleepless nights to get to the point where I was so depleted and tired that I could no more go on like that. And then I made the decision that I would not give in. I made the same decision after my mom died. I made it again and I'm sure there will be times when I will have to remind myself of it again and again. I made a decision of being my own friend, of loving myself the way I am and not condemning myself any more. Today, I look into the mirror and say: I love you and I will never leave you, Ania. I feel this love more than at any time in my life even though on weaker days I might forget it, I know it is here with me. I'm here for myself. I'm here surrouned by love of people and the abundance of the world. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. 

Apart from going to hospital.

Four more weeks and I will meet a little girl Helena. In four weeks all will be the same and nothing will be the same. In four weeks we will start a new chapter.