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5.08.2015

End of Pregnency Anxiety

My holiday is over and even though I had few days in Kho Chnag to catch a breath, I had to get back to work quickly: private lessons and another IB workshop offered by the school. And then another one. Why not!? I'm feeling exhausted though. I'm trying to keep up with everything around me: school, extra work, deadlines, social obligations, my own time but in these last weeks of my pregnancy all this leaves me exhausted. Or at least today. I came back home, sat on bed for few minutes and woke up few hours alter. I'll finish writing this up and go back to sleep. I still go to work tomorrow and Friday, and then next week the kids are coming back to school and we start a new school year. My two-month maternity leave starts in September but that won't be at all about resting up.

The chances are, however, that considering the pace I'll deliver in the classroom. That might not be such a bad idea after all as I'd probably feel safer there than in hospital. I've never been to one. Oh, nope, sorry, I've been three times but never with anything as serious as labor. 

I'm horrified. Yes, I'm trying to keep zen and cool abut the whole experience but I'm scared to death nevertheless. 

Today I can't stop thinking of the amount of pain I will  have to go through. Everything I read about labor anonymously states that the pain is immense and only an insane person would do it without epidural. My hospital doesn't give epidural, other hospitals are too expensive for me to go to. My doctor told me I will be given other painkillers if needed but not this one. Initially, I was cool about it but now... Should I change the hospital? Should I pay more have this painkiller injected? What do I do? I'm scared that won't be able to stand it... My doctor smiler from behind her desk as says: "You can. No problem for you", whenever I share my reservations with her. She seems to be really convinced that I'll survive and be well.  I guess when it all starts I will have to endure it and push her out into the world. People walked all the way to Siberia and survived concentration camps... labor doesn't sound so bad compared to these ones.

I just hope I won't be too traumatized by the experience and I won't transfer my negative expereinces onto Helena. 

In the classroom there wouldn't be any painkiller whatsoever but there would be familiar faces of friendly and carrying people. In hospital there will be nurses and I'm not sure if they'll necessarily speak English well enough for us to communicate. I guess I will just concentrate on the survival part of the event, maybe I don't need to communicate with anyone...

It's six weeks left. The time is ticking... In six weeks my daughter will be born. On my way to the gym yesterday when i was locking the door to my apartment I had a reflection that soon enough I will lock this door on my own for the last time. I wanted to cry. Am I ready for this change? Not today. Will I ever be? I don't think so as people basically don't like changes... I can think whatever I want, though, it's going to happen and soon. Helena is almost at the door.











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