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31.03.2016

I'm Doing It



 I'm doing it.

Each day I'm making sure Helena has everything she needs: I shower her, I put her to sleep, I feed her when she wants to be fed, I sing to her, I comfort her when she is uncomfortable. Each day I go to work and leave her with an amazing nanny so that I earn money and make all this possible, however little it is... No, no... It's not little. It's a lot! I should stop belittle myself and pat myself on the shoulder a little bit for all that I've been doing. I'm a mom, I'm a breadwinner, I take care of myself and Helena, and my kids at home. Nothing is perfect but all is good enough - and that's a lot.

A month ago, I though I was falling apart again. I was so sad that he was going but I knew I couldn't go with him. Not the way it was offered to me.

But here I am again after a month... still standing. Maybe not better than I've ever been but nevertheless still standing and doing what I'm supposed to do. And that's a lot.

It's a lot considering that I'm in this by myself. I have friends around but they can't make things happen for me. I am the engine.

It's certainly not a walk in a park but I'm doing it and I should give myself a bit more of a credit for all this. I should... No! I want to celebrate more these things that I have than those that I might lack. After all, I'm doing it and I'm doing it well enough. Nothing has collapsed, I'm safe, my daughter is healthy, and though Olivier is away, life goes on and hasn't stopped for a moment.

I'm doing it. 







25.03.2016

She Blows My Mind

It blows my mind: I hold Helena in my arms, a little human girl. A little perfection: most of what she will use in her life is there already there ready to be nurtured and activated by me - by her primary care giver. She is not  just a white sheet to be written on - she is a person already with her moods, with he likes and dislikes, needs with all these little things that make her Helena. To me, she is whole already and my responsibility is to nurture this wholeness, to prompt what's good and to help her navigate the world.  She will be discovering the world with me and for a long time she will see it through my eyes.  My vision is impaired. I've been both disabled  and enabled by my own experiences: now it's the quiestion where will the accents go: on the positive and empowering or the negative and the disability will continue. That's how it happens across generations. The vision impairment is contagious: what I'm scared of - Helena most probably will internalize. What I consider safe - she will as well. She will soon pick on what I make of the world and people in it. This life that I'm nurturing is such a responsibility that it blows my mind. 

She looks at me with so much trust and belief - for Helena I'm the compass, the map and the guide. 

I know Helena is not mine - she will go away one day and it's my responsibility to equip her for this journey. I need to equip her with the tools that she will see that work ergo through my own life I  need to show her how to make use of these tools. It's a beautiful and a very challenging task. I'm honored that she is my daughter but when think of all these stages that we will go through and of my role as a mom, I'm feeling often overwhelmed. I don't want to be perfect, it's not about it. Far too well I know that I'm a flawed human being but I just would like to be good enough and make Helena comfortable and safe, and confident that the world is a good place: yes, there are challenges and we already have few of them but we can learn to work around them and still be happy.She will see me practicing it, she will believe it. She will see me only saying that- she will know that I'm selling her crap.

 But why am I writing all this? Oh yes! I just felt this wave of love today when she was falling asleep in my arms. The wave of love and awe. I'm awed with the wholeness of this little human being, I'm awed with how much she already knows, how observant she is. I'm stunned by her new skills that she develops each day, I marvel over her character. Such a little human being and there is already so much to her, she is already so complex - simple in some ways but so complex and wholesome it other ways.

Helena blows my mind. 




21.03.2016

Helena Anna

When Helena Anna gives me her smile, it's like all the starts are smiling at me and nothing else really matters. And she does smile! With her big mouth! She smiles with her whole body and soul. She smiles at me as if she wants to say that it's not worth worrying when she is around, as if she wanted to tell me that everything will be fine in the end and give me courage to pursue what I want to achieve.

Helena means light and she is my light at the moment.

I have this picture of her from which she looks straight at me with so much hope and trust. I am all she has and she is all I have now. She trusts me. She thinks that I'm the whole world. It's a wonderful feeling. It's a great responsibility. Scary sometimes. Often. I took this responsibility on myself but sometimes, especially when it happens that we are not sleeping at night, I wonder if I can make it happen alone. Olivier is not here... he is about to start his new life and though I know he will be there for Helena, he is not here now and whatever happens here is a solo act. But then... there is  no other option than just play my role as well as I can. And I will. And I am. Helena is worth it... such a lovely little human being! Yes, she climbs on me now at ungodly hours in the morning, she wakes me up pulling my hair or just helping herself with my breast and sucking out the life of me... I'm tired sometimes so much that I want to cry and I'm not even allowed my afternoon coffee... I'm dreaming of a fully slept night and a holiday but when I look at her my heart melts and I pull myself together and enjoy as much as I can.

I love her. I love my daughter. Each day more, each day stronger, each day deeper.


14.03.2016

The Court Will Decide

So here we are again: in the language of threats. I spoke to Olivier last night - I asked about the financial assistance he will provide for Helena and I got the answer that it will be up to a judge to rule that. We are not able to come up with any decision by ourselves so the decision will be made for us, he decided. Apparently, he had spoken to many people around him and they told him that he has the same rights to Helena as I did. Wow! Surely, one needs an army of advisers to figure that out.  I'm wondering if these are the same friends who told him I should have had an abortion and who helped him write a document I was supposed to sign saying that I would never seek any help from him and that I would take care of Helena all by myself. Sweet Jesus!!! I ripped the paper in pieces as a sign of peace between us on the New Year's Eve when he still was staying in Thailand for a long time "till we both can move somewhere where we can both see Helena". The peace was not long lasting.

Helena is his as well -  of course!!! I never said otherwise! I let him in my house. He lived with us for four months!!! We cooked together, we shopped together, we joked, we spoke, we spent 24 hours in each others company. I let him be with Helena as long as he wanted. He left when he wanted to and basically he does whatever he wants all the time: he comes in when he wants and leaves when he wants. Nobody stops him, nobody threatens him. 

I never said he cannot see Helena again!!! I said repeatedly that my house is always open for him and he can see Helena whenever he wants. It is Olivier who comes and goes as he pleases. It is him who said he didn't know when he would see Helena again as he is going to America. And it was him who said that since I don't want to share Helena with him, which is not true, he is going to have a new baby soon - the one for himself. I'm here all the time, quite consistent. After October he went back to Paris to start his business but that wasn't good any more since he missed Helena, came back to stay here with us, to be with Helena. And then the plan changed. "Have your American dream!" - he says.   And now, since I don't want to go to the States, the judges are supposed to decide. So it be. I'm not going anywhere and there is nobody in the world who can make me move abroad against my will or take Helena away from me.

I had hoped we can work things out. Now it's again about power: he will show me how powerful he is, he will show me that I can't make my own decisions, he will show me... He will show me and I will see. I will see how difficult it will be without his assistance. Oh, I will see. It's exactly the same situation we were in last year: he left me pregnant to show me and I saw, and I survived. I'm not playing this game any more. I'm not scared. I had hoped it will never come to that but I guess I've had given him too much of a credit of trust. Now the credit limit has been exhausted and there is no more trust in me to give.

I'm sad, I know he is sad as well... We are both struggling and when it's understandable that there's conflict of interests, it makes me even sadder that we are turning our back on each other again.

Attachement Style

In the book I'm reading now 'Mean Mothers' it says that the way we relate to people and how we form relationships with them and ultimately the way we parent our children depends on the kid of the attachment style we developed as children. This primary relationship with our parents and caregivers will guide us (misguide us) when choosing life partners and later they will influence our relationships with our own children.

Scary but also a bit empowering in a way that it seems that what  I have some sort of an explanation. The way I relate to men isn't random. The way I suffer after a breakup isn't accidental and it all can be explained, understood and reversed. The dynamics can be changed if there will be a person or people who will show one that it is possible to do things another way, to relate to others differently: without fear,without too high expectations, just in a natural and healthy way. It's been more than  a year since I heard "I don't love you and I don't want to be with you' repeated then few more times. Very painful - even more painful than a labor pains, I think. This is gone but the wound caused by these words I'm carrying in my heart. It is still there and I haven't done much healing. But oh, I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of wasting my time on people who don't care about me. I'm tired of even thinking about them and using the energy I have on them. I'm doing it nevertheless but I'm tired. Hopefully this tiredness will inspire me to stop. This ruminating, this thinking about Olivier and not being able to shut the door comes for sure from the way I attach myself. I hope that once I dissect this, it will be easier for me to control my thoughts and be more focused on my life, on Helena, on my studies, on people who love me rather than thinking about this one person who doesn't.


11.03.2016

Anxiety

I'm trying to do all these things to reduce stress and yet, I'm feeling knots in my stomach all the time. Stressing about work, stressing about my studies but mostly stressing about Helena and if I will be able to make it happen for her... Firstly, I'm feeling horribly guilty about that her dad is not present - she is such a perfection, such an adorable human being and she already starts with this deficiency that I will never be able to replace. I cannot be both her dad and he mom and I just home that I can be good enough of a mom and not hurt her even more. But can I? 

I'm reading this book now called "Mean Mothers" and it's about how complicated and troubled a relationship between a mother and a daughter can be. I know it because my relationship with my mom was quite troubled to say the least. As I'm reading those pages, it strikes me how much effort I will have to put into nurturing this little human and trying as much as I can not to transfer my frustrations, deficiencies and disappointments onto her. It's daunting, I'm scared. She is such a lovely human being - she means the world to me! But am I good enough for her? Will I be able to give her all that she needs by myself? And will I be able to remember about all these things that hurt me in my relationship with my mother so that I don't repeat them with Helena? And what if, in the end, it will all fail and my daughter will decide that I sucked? So many questions I have, so few answers! 

As I was lying in bed last night I was thinking about my own mom and how one day Helena will ask what happened to her grandma and I will have to tell her the truth, the hard truth that mom took her life... And will Helena wonder if such a solution is a possibility for her mother as well? Will she live in fear? What will she make out of it? And what about the granddad? What will she learn from the fact that he is absent as well, in the arms of alcohol, choosing his addiction to his family? What will she make out of it? And what will she make out of the fact that her own dad is away... I just really hope that the dad will step up and make effort to have a relationship with Helena against the distance, against all odds. I hope she will know him and she will not be left with this hole in her heart that cannot be replaced. I hope he will be her hero and show that she can always rely on him, even if her parents are not together or rather have never really been together. I really hope. Every little girl needs a hero, needs a dad and needs to be told by him that she is the most beautiful, smartest and lovable little girl in the world. That he will stand by her no matter what... what that is missing, the little girl will look in all wrong places to fill this void... I know because I have such a little girl inside me whose dad abandoned her and who has never fully recovered from it. I just hope that it won't be the case. She is so wonderful, such a fine girl with so much baggage already. My heart is torn apart.

I'm going home soon. I will have two full days with my little Helena to enjoy. I will have some time to maybe relax and just be there with her and not think about all these really sad things running through my head and heart.


08.03.2016

Exercise Keeps Me Sane

I've started again. I have never really stopped but I've few breaks since Helena was born and I wasn't quite regular. 
Last Thursday Helena woke up at 5:30 and didn't want to hear about going back to sleep so I thought that instead of being frustrated, I will put me sneakers and top on and do some exercise on a mat. I was testing Helena actually and her reaction and with delight, 20 min later when I'd finished, I registered that my daughter has nothing against playing by herself when I was jumping around. In fact, she watched me quite intrigued - she hadn't seen me like this before. And so since Thursday we've had a new routine: wake up, cuddles, kisses, breakfast,  20-minute exercise, cuddles, kisses, shower, cuddles, kisses and more kisses and work, and more exercise in the afternoon, then back home to Helena - back to my daughter who is just amazing - a little ray of light that shines more and more each day. I love her, I love her, I love her and I love that we can be together in peace and harmony with a mutual respect for our needs. It really seems that Helena understands that I need to have these few moments for myself in the morning and then in the afternoon to unwind. And gosh, I do need to unwind after the whole day at school. Whatever it is running, swimming or pilates - physical activity allows me to be in the moment and take my thoughts away from whatever worries I have and whatever bitter sentiments show up. And those I have a lot. So I exercise and try to stay sane and as positive as possible. The self-discipline is very helpful when going through downs... No matter what happens in the day and no matter how shitty thoughts appear - there are always those few moments when I stop, turn everything off and concentrate just on the movement of my body and not on the movement of my brain. It is a healthy way to get rid of stress and release some endorfines, and get rid of some of the baby fat. So, no matter what, I will keep it going. I have no excuse - I just have to organize my day properly and I find time for everything - a matter of motivation  and deciding what is important - exercise and healthy life-style is very high on the priority list.


The day is over. I'm going to cuddle this little human girl and off to sleep.



07.03.2016

New Week

I kicked off the new week with morning exercise. Since last Thursday I managed to throw 15 min programme before I go to work. Helena sits in her chair, plays or watches me and I throw my legs around. That's prefect for me. She wakes up early anyway and if I can't sleep, I will exercise. Plus, she really doesn't mind and I need to move around otherwise I will go crazy. The hot season is coming, she is now recovered from pneumonia which means that in a month or so we will hit the pool and have some fun in water. Yay!!!

The big Song Kran holiday is coming, many days off but I'm not sure if we'll be able to go anywhere. I'm still not clear about my university and if it'll be possible for me to start in April or if I'm taking a course in October. Plus, I need to save. I need quite a reserve for when we need it - like for hospital bills. At some point I also would like to go to Europe and introduce Helena to my family and perhaps Olivier's and to d so we need money. So, more and more I'm considering changing my apartment into something smaller and cheaper. I love my place and I need space for myself but I also need savings and since I can't work extra downsizing might be an option. Just thinking.

I've been reading this really good book called "Mean Mothers" about how daughter's  relationship with  mother can either make or break her. How mother's past and model of attachment influences the way she parents her offspring. It's a very good book but also a very difficult one for me. I know already that my home wasn't healthy. There happened things that I should never have witnessed and be part of. I know that my parents shaped me and not always in a good way. I know that some of this not-goodness will potentially be passed on Helena. I feel responsible to stop this cycle of unhappiness and learn how to live in a different way - happy and fulfilling and not threatening to neither me or Helena. It's a huge challenge. Makes my head spin, actually.

So that's that. Helena is fast asleep and I have some time to plan my lessons for tomorrow. I will do that and finish my day.

The challenge for coming days - figure out how to get Helena's visa without losing a day at work. Something has to come up.

 


02.03.2016

24 hours

When I left the airport last night, I though that my heart was about to explode.  I'm sure that it was the same feeling on the other side of the immigration. 

Then we came back home and I put Helena to sleep and told her before that we both love her even though from different places. I promised myself that I would do it every day. I know his love for this little girl is bigger than the world. 

After that I had no more tears to cry and dropped dead tired... 

And then I woke up to a message from him from Malaysia. 

And then fell asleep again to wake up next to smiling and ready for the day Helena. 

We walked into the living room where her dad lived for last three months and I swear that she looked around and looked for him. 

My hear sunk.

Then it was time to go to work and get busy with a daily routine. 

It's been 24 hours since he left. The flat is empty... I know why it's empty, though. I know that's it because of me and my inability to compromise my wishes and desires, and dreams about a family. A real one. Hmmm... I miss him. I will miss him. Not the last few days when we barely spoke but I will miss what we had before that... Now, more days like this ahead of me.