When Helena Anna gives me her smile, it's like all the starts are smiling at me and nothing else really matters. And she does smile! With her big mouth! She smiles with her whole body and soul. She smiles at me as if she wants to say that it's not worth worrying when she is around, as if she wanted to tell me that everything will be fine in the end and give me courage to pursue what I want to achieve.
Helena means light and she is my light at the moment.
I have this picture of her from which she looks straight at me with so much hope and trust. I am all she has and she is all I have now. She trusts me. She thinks that I'm the whole world. It's a wonderful feeling. It's a great responsibility. Scary sometimes. Often. I took this responsibility on myself but sometimes, especially when it happens that we are not sleeping at night, I wonder if I can make it happen alone. Olivier is not here... he is about to start his new life and though I know he will be there for Helena, he is not here now and whatever happens here is a solo act. But then... there is no other option than just play my role as well as I can. And I will. And I am. Helena is worth it... such a lovely little human being! Yes, she climbs on me now at ungodly hours in the morning, she wakes me up pulling my hair or just helping herself with my breast and sucking out the life of me... I'm tired sometimes so much that I want to cry and I'm not even allowed my afternoon coffee... I'm dreaming of a fully slept night and a holiday but when I look at her my heart melts and I pull myself together and enjoy as much as I can.
I love her. I love my daughter. Each day more, each day stronger, each day deeper.