The Court Will Decide

So here we are again: in the language of threats. I spoke to Olivier last night - I asked about the financial assistance he will provide for Helena and I got the answer that it will be up to a judge to rule that. We are not able to come up with any decision by ourselves so the decision will be made for us, he decided. Apparently, he had spoken to many people around him and they told him that he has the same rights to Helena as I did. Wow! Surely, one needs an army of advisers to figure that out.  I'm wondering if these are the same friends who told him I should have had an abortion and who helped him write a document I was supposed to sign saying that I would never seek any help from him and that I would take care of Helena all by myself. Sweet Jesus!!! I ripped the paper in pieces as a sign of peace between us on the New Year's Eve when he still was staying in Thailand for a long time "till we both can move somewhere where we can both see Helena". The peace was not long lasting.

Helena is his as well -  of course!!! I never said otherwise! I let him in my house. He lived with us for four months!!! We cooked together, we shopped together, we joked, we spoke, we spent 24 hours in each others company. I let him be with Helena as long as he wanted. He left when he wanted to and basically he does whatever he wants all the time: he comes in when he wants and leaves when he wants. Nobody stops him, nobody threatens him. 

I never said he cannot see Helena again!!! I said repeatedly that my house is always open for him and he can see Helena whenever he wants. It is Olivier who comes and goes as he pleases. It is him who said he didn't know when he would see Helena again as he is going to America. And it was him who said that since I don't want to share Helena with him, which is not true, he is going to have a new baby soon - the one for himself. I'm here all the time, quite consistent. After October he went back to Paris to start his business but that wasn't good any more since he missed Helena, came back to stay here with us, to be with Helena. And then the plan changed. "Have your American dream!" - he says.   And now, since I don't want to go to the States, the judges are supposed to decide. So it be. I'm not going anywhere and there is nobody in the world who can make me move abroad against my will or take Helena away from me.

I had hoped we can work things out. Now it's again about power: he will show me how powerful he is, he will show me that I can't make my own decisions, he will show me... He will show me and I will see. I will see how difficult it will be without his assistance. Oh, I will see. It's exactly the same situation we were in last year: he left me pregnant to show me and I saw, and I survived. I'm not playing this game any more. I'm not scared. I had hoped it will never come to that but I guess I've had given him too much of a credit of trust. Now the credit limit has been exhausted and there is no more trust in me to give.

I'm sad, I know he is sad as well... We are both struggling and when it's understandable that there's conflict of interests, it makes me even sadder that we are turning our back on each other again.