She Blows My Mind

It blows my mind: I hold Helena in my arms, a little human girl. A little perfection: most of what she will use in her life is there already there ready to be nurtured and activated by me - by her primary care giver. She is not  just a white sheet to be written on - she is a person already with her moods, with he likes and dislikes, needs with all these little things that make her Helena. To me, she is whole already and my responsibility is to nurture this wholeness, to prompt what's good and to help her navigate the world.  She will be discovering the world with me and for a long time she will see it through my eyes.  My vision is impaired. I've been both disabled  and enabled by my own experiences: now it's the quiestion where will the accents go: on the positive and empowering or the negative and the disability will continue. That's how it happens across generations. The vision impairment is contagious: what I'm scared of - Helena most probably will internalize. What I consider safe - she will as well. She will soon pick on what I make of the world and people in it. This life that I'm nurturing is such a responsibility that it blows my mind. 

She looks at me with so much trust and belief - for Helena I'm the compass, the map and the guide. 

I know Helena is not mine - she will go away one day and it's my responsibility to equip her for this journey. I need to equip her with the tools that she will see that work ergo through my own life I  need to show her how to make use of these tools. It's a beautiful and a very challenging task. I'm honored that she is my daughter but when think of all these stages that we will go through and of my role as a mom, I'm feeling often overwhelmed. I don't want to be perfect, it's not about it. Far too well I know that I'm a flawed human being but I just would like to be good enough and make Helena comfortable and safe, and confident that the world is a good place: yes, there are challenges and we already have few of them but we can learn to work around them and still be happy.She will see me practicing it, she will believe it. She will see me only saying that- she will know that I'm selling her crap.

 But why am I writing all this? Oh yes! I just felt this wave of love today when she was falling asleep in my arms. The wave of love and awe. I'm awed with the wholeness of this little human being, I'm awed with how much she already knows, how observant she is. I'm stunned by her new skills that she develops each day, I marvel over her character. Such a little human being and there is already so much to her, she is already so complex - simple in some ways but so complex and wholesome it other ways.

Helena blows my mind.