I'm Doing It

 I'm doing it.

Each day I'm making sure Helena has everything she needs: I shower her, I put her to sleep, I feed her when she wants to be fed, I sing to her, I comfort her when she is uncomfortable. Each day I go to work and leave her with an amazing nanny so that I earn money and make all this possible, however little it is... No, no... It's not little. It's a lot! I should stop belittle myself and pat myself on the shoulder a little bit for all that I've been doing. I'm a mom, I'm a breadwinner, I take care of myself and Helena, and my kids at home. Nothing is perfect but all is good enough - and that's a lot.

A month ago, I though I was falling apart again. I was so sad that he was going but I knew I couldn't go with him. Not the way it was offered to me.

But here I am again after a month... still standing. Maybe not better than I've ever been but nevertheless still standing and doing what I'm supposed to do. And that's a lot.

It's a lot considering that I'm in this by myself. I have friends around but they can't make things happen for me. I am the engine.

It's certainly not a walk in a park but I'm doing it and I should give myself a bit more of a credit for all this. I should... No! I want to celebrate more these things that I have than those that I might lack. After all, I'm doing it and I'm doing it well enough. Nothing has collapsed, I'm safe, my daughter is healthy, and though Olivier is away, life goes on and hasn't stopped for a moment.

I'm doing it.