In the book I'm reading now 'Mean Mothers' it says that the way we relate to people and how we form relationships with them and ultimately the way we parent our children depends on the kid of the attachment style we developed as children. This primary relationship with our parents and caregivers will guide us (misguide us) when choosing life partners and later they will influence our relationships with our own children.
Scary but also a bit empowering in a way that it seems that what I have some sort of an explanation. The way I relate to men isn't random. The way I suffer after a breakup isn't accidental and it all can be explained, understood and reversed. The dynamics can be changed if there will be a person or people who will show one that it is possible to do things another way, to relate to others differently: without fear,without too high expectations, just in a natural and healthy way. It's been more than a year since I heard "I don't love you and I don't want to be with you' repeated then few more times. Very painful - even more painful than a labor pains, I think. This is gone but the wound caused by these words I'm carrying in my heart. It is still there and I haven't done much healing. But oh, I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of wasting my time on people who don't care about me. I'm tired of even thinking about them and using the energy I have on them. I'm doing it nevertheless but I'm tired. Hopefully this tiredness will inspire me to stop. This ruminating, this thinking about Olivier and not being able to shut the door comes for sure from the way I attach myself. I hope that once I dissect this, it will be easier for me to control my thoughts and be more focused on my life, on Helena, on my studies, on people who love me rather than thinking about this one person who doesn't.