Anxiety

I'm trying to do all these things to reduce stress and yet, I'm feeling knots in my stomach all the time. Stressing about work, stressing about my studies but mostly stressing about Helena and if I will be able to make it happen for her... Firstly, I'm feeling horribly guilty about that her dad is not present - she is such a perfection, such an adorable human being and she already starts with this deficiency that I will never be able to replace. I cannot be both her dad and he mom and I just home that I can be good enough of a mom and not hurt her even more. But can I? 

I'm reading this book now called "Mean Mothers" and it's about how complicated and troubled a relationship between a mother and a daughter can be. I know it because my relationship with my mom was quite troubled to say the least. As I'm reading those pages, it strikes me how much effort I will have to put into nurturing this little human and trying as much as I can not to transfer my frustrations, deficiencies and disappointments onto her. It's daunting, I'm scared. She is such a lovely human being - she means the world to me! But am I good enough for her? Will I be able to give her all that she needs by myself? And will I be able to remember about all these things that hurt me in my relationship with my mother so that I don't repeat them with Helena? And what if, in the end, it will all fail and my daughter will decide that I sucked? So many questions I have, so few answers! 

As I was lying in bed last night I was thinking about my own mom and how one day Helena will ask what happened to her grandma and I will have to tell her the truth, the hard truth that mom took her life... And will Helena wonder if such a solution is a possibility for her mother as well? Will she live in fear? What will she make out of it? And what about the granddad? What will she learn from the fact that he is absent as well, in the arms of alcohol, choosing his addiction to his family? What will she make out of it? And what will she make out of the fact that her own dad is away... I just really hope that the dad will step up and make effort to have a relationship with Helena against the distance, against all odds. I hope she will know him and she will not be left with this hole in her heart that cannot be replaced. I hope he will be her hero and show that she can always rely on him, even if her parents are not together or rather have never really been together. I really hope. Every little girl needs a hero, needs a dad and needs to be told by him that she is the most beautiful, smartest and lovable little girl in the world. That he will stand by her no matter what... what that is missing, the little girl will look in all wrong places to fill this void... I know because I have such a little girl inside me whose dad abandoned her and who has never fully recovered from it. I just hope that it won't be the case. She is so wonderful, such a fine girl with so much baggage already. My heart is torn apart.

I'm going home soon. I will have two full days with my little Helena to enjoy. I will have some time to maybe relax and just be there with her and not think about all these really sad things running through my head and heart.