The day has come when we are going to say good-bye to each other yet another time. We are both heartbroken.... We will miss Olivier a lot here. Yes, last two weeks haven't been my favourite but I understand why he withdrew from me so much. Possibly, I would do the same.
I'm feeling sad. It's going to take me yet another adjustment to life without him and his energy. It will surely take Helena some time to get used to it as well that there won't be her super dad around her any more. And super dad he is and his love for her is unquestionable. I will miss being around this love.
With Olivier going I'm losing a co-parent, a company... I'm losing a friend - thought it's been a difficult friendship.
I want to sit and curl in the corner of the room and cry. I don't even want to know what it'll be like to return to the empty flat tonight after we say goodbyes at the airport...
But that's what is happening. And no matter how much I would like it to be different that facts are like this: he is going and I'm staying. He doesn't love me and I still hope that some day somebody will. I will not stand another time him saying: "I don't love you". And since he is still in my heart, I need time and space to heal. Probably a lot of time.
I believe that he was full of good intentions. I believe that he meant well. It's just not good enough for me... Maybe I would find someone in the States.... but before I would go crazy from being unloved. I don't want Helena to have a sad and bitter mother. I'm already sad... but I don't want to be sadder. I need to work up now for my happiness and rebuild what's left from my self-confidence and joy of life.
How I wish it was different...
How I wish for a happy end, for a sudden twist in the story... and we would walk into the sunset together with Helena, holding hands. But that's not happening.
Goodbyes are happening and I will have to live through them. Alone. Each of us will have to go through them alone.