I'm feeling a bit restless today. No, not a bit - I am feeling restless, very restless. I'm still thinking about the offer I got from Olivier of going to the States together. If I agree, I will walk away from all I have built here and straight into financial dependency. I will sign up for life without love, a life that will be one huge compromise without any real payoff for me. If I stay, though, Helena will loose her dad for many months and who knows really when she will see him again. I will loose Olivier's company in raising this Little Angel. So what do I do? What do I really want?
Not my favourite days, I must say. There was a moment when all I wanted was to climb on the bed and hide under covers and cry. And why cry? For few reasons. The first one was that today I really felt very little love and as every human being I need to love and feel loved in order to live. Today, in particular, I've been thinking of love between a man and a woman, about intimacy and how I miss it. I'm kind of not interested in one night stands and meaningless guys from nowhere. I miss kisses, I miss warm body next to me, smiles and laughs and all that comes with being close to another human being. I don't have it at the moment and the man who I miss the most is not interested in this kind of relationship with me. And it hurts. We are living together, we are sharing many fun moments with each other but there's no closeness between us... he chooses to be close with someone else. Sure, his life, his choices, his truth - he doesn't want to be committed. But it all hurts me and I'm thinking now how long more I will be able to stand such an arrangement. I like having him around me, I love to watch Olivier and Helena playing around, laughing and loving each other but... But where am I in this all? What kind of satisfaction is there for me? In this arrangement, I'm just a link to Helena, a link that now cannot be broken because Helena is too young but once she comes of age, my presence will not be welcome any more. We are not a family as much as I would like to believe in it - we are not. A family is a unit of people who love each other and stand by each other. Olivier loves Helena, I love Helena but there is no love between the two of us and this is a huge deal breaker.
I deserve a partner, a man who will be there for me and Helena and who will love me for who I am. I feel like my heart breaks into pieces here and then when it comes home that nothing will ever happen between the two of us. I don't want to be heartbroken any more. I want to live with my heart filled with joy and with my heart ready to open up to another human being. I want to feel that I am important, that I count and that I am worth a while. I'm not getting it now and it is frustrating me a lot. Yes, Helena is happy, Olivier is happy and their needs are fulfilled but I cannot just forget about myself and give in. I have more than half of life to live: I deserve to be happy and Helena deserves to have a happy mom - not the one who wants to hide away and cry under the blanket.
My heart feels heavy today.
I need a hug, a big hug.
Not my favourite days, I must say. There was a moment when all I wanted was to climb on the bed and hide under covers and cry. And why cry? For few reasons. The first one was that today I really felt very little love and as every human being I need to love and feel loved in order to live. Today, in particular, I've been thinking of love between a man and a woman, about intimacy and how I miss it. I'm kind of not interested in one night stands and meaningless guys from nowhere. I miss kisses, I miss warm body next to me, smiles and laughs and all that comes with being close to another human being. I don't have it at the moment and the man who I miss the most is not interested in this kind of relationship with me. And it hurts. We are living together, we are sharing many fun moments with each other but there's no closeness between us... he chooses to be close with someone else. Sure, his life, his choices, his truth - he doesn't want to be committed. But it all hurts me and I'm thinking now how long more I will be able to stand such an arrangement. I like having him around me, I love to watch Olivier and Helena playing around, laughing and loving each other but... But where am I in this all? What kind of satisfaction is there for me? In this arrangement, I'm just a link to Helena, a link that now cannot be broken because Helena is too young but once she comes of age, my presence will not be welcome any more. We are not a family as much as I would like to believe in it - we are not. A family is a unit of people who love each other and stand by each other. Olivier loves Helena, I love Helena but there is no love between the two of us and this is a huge deal breaker.
I deserve a partner, a man who will be there for me and Helena and who will love me for who I am. I feel like my heart breaks into pieces here and then when it comes home that nothing will ever happen between the two of us. I don't want to be heartbroken any more. I want to live with my heart filled with joy and with my heart ready to open up to another human being. I want to feel that I am important, that I count and that I am worth a while. I'm not getting it now and it is frustrating me a lot. Yes, Helena is happy, Olivier is happy and their needs are fulfilled but I cannot just forget about myself and give in. I have more than half of life to live: I deserve to be happy and Helena deserves to have a happy mom - not the one who wants to hide away and cry under the blanket.
My heart feels heavy today.
I need a hug, a big hug.
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