Self-Pity Party Best Host

Earlier in the day I conceived a long post about how horrible I felt about things. I wrote it and waited to publish it. Then I read it again, and again and I there it was -  a self pity party. I've been moaning and complaining for a while now. I've been drowning in the negative thinking about how horrible life has been to me. I've been having problems with sleeping, waking up in the middle of the night and thinking, and brooding and analyzing... And I haven't been getting any relief really. Instead, I got tired and I know I've been tiring for people around me. How much can you listen to a person who is moaning and complaining? Not a lot. 

And then I found this: " 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do."

http://www.forbes.com/sites/cherylsnappconner/2013/11/18/mentally-strong-people-the-13-things-they-avoid/#520378413934 

I read the first one and bang! There it was, right into my face! A pity party, Baby, and a huge as well. And I've been such a good host for last couple of days with a break for Madonna and Helena. But in the darkness of the night I would not just go to sleep but dwell and brood instead. Till I really got sick and tired of myself today. So, this is enough. I wrote a post last night about how I have to clean up the mess in my life and I will do it starting from today, from realizing that feeling sorry for myself and being so explicit about it served some purpose  - it's been postponing the actions and taking responsibility for my situation. It's been delaying me admitting to what I want and don't want. Actions are much more difficult than words. Saying what I want has always been difficult for me in relationships with men. Saying what I want and don't now with Helena and Olivier is even more difficult but seems inevitable if I want to keep sane. And I do. For my own sake and for everybody else involved. 

And honestly, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Who normal wants? I want to be able to face my own challenges and take ownership of the world around me. I want to be in charge and not give power to other people or circumstances. It's me who wants to be able to handle difficulties with courage and determination, and trust that I can handle a situation well and emerge on the other side. After all, I've experienced some tough situations before and managed to get to the other side. I should build my confidence on that and not give in to fears, demons and creations of my own head. And my head has been working very hard for last few days. But I'm tired now and so are people around me.  

And quite honestly, isn't it quite silly that I would sell out all the good things that I have in my life for one aspect that is not the way I would like it to be. (I'm talking about Olivier). Honestly! Girl! I wrote today that I would like to give myself a big hug in this misery but now I feel like I would like to give myself a hug, yes, but also a good talk about appreciating things that I have, feeling grateful, and keeping things in perspective. Yes, I would hold myself till all crying has been done but after that I would say: Ania, it's time to finish it. You have to make a decision of not being like this, self- pittying. It's not you. It's a bad, bad habit that you have learnt in the past. It's time to stop it and I will help you to do it." That's what I'm saying to myself now: it's time to stop. Of course, I need to practice this muscle of not feeling sorry for myself. It's not going to change withing a day but I need to give it a go. It's not worth wasting time on feeling miserable and drained from energy. My days are counted here... Why  can't I remember about this more often? My days are precious: I have Helena, I can watch her grow and smile and I want to be focused on these things and not on the things that are negative or not how I would like them to be. And if I don't like something, shouldn't I have enough guts to end it? "What you allow is what will continue", I read on Facebook the other day. I shared it but do I really understand it? Do I have enough courage to disallow things that I don't want?

Many issues here. But let's me just do a little exercise in changing thoughts encouraging self-pity.
These are the things I am grateful for:
- Helena and that she is healthy and smiley. That she loves me no matter how crazy I go - luckily she doesn't understand yet what sometimes her mother is doing and hopefully I will get better at managing my emotions before she grows older. 

- I'm grateful for my own health.
- I'm grateful for my understanding friends from all over the world who have patience with me. 
- I'm grateful for my job and that I have opportunities to develop.
- I'm grateful for all the people who helped me before Helena was born and all the people who showed up after she came to this world, including Olivier and his family.
 - I'm grateful for being able to get out of my own head sometimes and looking at things from different perspective. Maybe there's hope for me.

So, for the next days, weeks and moths, I will be practicing this attitude and remember about all the good things I've been experiencing in life instead being obsessed with the one that didn't quite work out and I will also DO something about these things that don't work out for me.