It's been over six months since I'm back to Europe. Being back feels good but it's hard and it sucks at times as well. I know... hard - it seems I can't write about much more than when things are hard. Once Olivier told me that it's a very sad blog that I have here and I tried and tried to sit and pour out some joy on these pages but somehow when I'm joyful the last thing I want to do is to sit in fro of the computer and write about it. I prefer to experience it and be in this feeling moment of happiness since I know that gloom is just right around the corner.
It's a blog about a struggle. Fine. So it will be like this.
I'm back in Europe.
Close to the French Rivera....
Oh, everybody's dream.
It's so quiet and peaceful that one might get crazy, really. Ohm Bangkok, how much I miss you sometimes! I was annoyed by the traffic, I was annoyed by reckless drivers and the fact that there was no green space but oh, how I wish I could get stranded in a jam for an hour or so and watch the life going by through the taxi window! At least once a week. Please.... I know... Life over there wasn't easy and perhaps with more limitations than here. Here the only thing that is still in the way of feeling a bit of freedom is a driving license, which I passed but I still can't be on the road because of the insurance issues. I'm inexperienced driver and the insurers want to suck out each and every last euro out of us to pay for the coverage. Needless to say, we don;t want to give them our dough, I'd rather spend it on books for Helena or me. But, I will pay whatever it takes, really, to be behind the wheel and be able to go shopping by myself without anyone's assistance. Oh, how much I miss being all by myself in a shopping mall sipping my latte and reading my newspaper. Here.... there is no Starbucks here! The closest one is in Marseilles at the airport and it is disgusting! I went there twice and both times I wanted to damp my coffee the moment I tasted it. Plus, the place itself was repulsive with trash piling up on tables to the view of oblivious servants too overwhelmed with two customers at the counter. So no Starbucks for me.
So I am close to the French Rivera but locked away in the camping. The place itself is great and I am happy to be here but like every person, I need some of my own space and I don'r have it at the moment, which drives me crazy.
I also miss people. I don't have any friends here yet just for a simple reason that I don't meet people.
I signed up for a stretching, pilates and yoga in the village. Very good courses and fantastic teacher but the audience in 50+ and not really a material for people I will hang out with. Bottom line, I need to get out. But then... get out where? Where do people meet? At work! But my work is here in the camping and I don't think that is going to change any tie soon. people meet in pubs and restaurants but when I go a restaurant I go with Helena and Olivier - not exactly a situation lending itself to meeting new folks. Oh....Sometimes I think... was it a good idea to move at all?
Again, just like in Canada few years ago, I have to start from the beginning. Oh, I started in Thailand as well but there it was easy, peasy with the availability of the job. I came, I started working... here it's a bit of a different story. We finished the season and... there is not so much work for me. Plus, I don't know French as well as to work in an office. Online teaching? I have finally landed a job offer and what? The internet connection in this forsaken place is not strong enough to smoothly connect with China... and that pissed me off sooo much! I want to work, I want to contribute but I can't because of the freaking internet signal that is weaker than what I used to have in Cambodia.
Olivier thinks that I'm wasting my days and maybe he is right but for now I have no idea what else I could do. I have no idea. I get up, I work out, I'm trying to stay on the surface and I mean it... I sometimes think I might be even mildly depressed: I have moments when I just cry my eyes out feeling so useless, unloved and unnecessary. Oh, stop complaining and find something! Yes, but what? What am I looking for? I have no idea!
And so this is how it is be back. No easy and that what this blog is about - my life that at times is not easy.