Dad

There  were times when we didn't speak longer so thirty days should not be so unnerving or scary. It always seemed that I could call you... you would not pick up or on a lucky day you would... Maybe I would wait till a voice message to hear your voice and then disconnect, maybe we would talk. The 'always' changed into 'never' - a void, a gaping void. 'Never' that is 'never'. We say 'never' without even realizing its full meaning  - this is a real 'never' - when the other body is cold and when the heart stops. 

Last night I was thinking about your last seconds. Was it dark? Were you scared? Did you regret anything? Or did you just go... I hope so. What is it like to die? I only can tell what is it like when something dies inside a living person. It's happened to me twice already. My eyes are burning from tears. I even don't know who is crying: Ania or Ania? A small one or an adult one, or maybe both? And who will consol them? The 'never' is 'never', and I have to live. But how to live when something has died. 

It's a month tomorrow. I think about you a lot.

I think about you each time I look at Helena who will never meet you. Yes, it was my choice not to bring her to you before it was too late. I wanted to protect her and myself but now I'm not sure. I'm sure of one that it makes me sad, very sad that she will never know my father the way I knew him form when I was little.

I miss you both so, so, so much.

I will sit with this sadness and embrace it and try to make peace with it or it will eat me alive. I need to live.

I'm off to sleep. 

I was tempted to call to see if I can hear your voicemail yet this one more time. The last time. But I'm too scared to do that. Tears might burn my face completely.

Rest in Peace. You are free.