Sea of Sadness

I've been waiting for this message for many years.

It came today and hit me like a speeding truck. I can't move. I barely can move.

I'm on the island. I'm surrounded by a beautiful warm sea.

I'm on the island. I'm surrounded by a darkness and the sea of sadness.

You are dead.
I will never see you again.
I will never hear your voice again.
I will never hear your lies again.
I will never call you again and be disappionted that you didn't answer.

I tried to call you last night. Were you dead then? Or were you looking the darkness in the eye when I was calling you?

I will never have a dad again.

I will have a broken heart for the rest of my life.

You have no idea how much I loved you. I loved you so much, Dad. I loved you so so so much.

I lovee your voice, your strong hairy hadns. I loved your scrambled eggs with bacon that I hoped you will make one day for me and Helena again.

I loved you so much...

I lost you.
We lost you because I also have brothers, sisters-in-law and nephews and nieces. We all loved you.

We all wanted you. We wanted you. You.

I will miss you so much.
I will pack my bags and come home to say good bye to you...

Goodbye, Dad.

I hope your torment has finished and you are in peace.

I love you and always will.

December

December is here.

This Christmas time Allegro commercial made me cry real tears. The tears of a huge loss and sadness. Cast: an elderly gentelman whose son lives abroad and who one day embarks on a difficult journey of learning a foreign language to be able to communicate with his grand-daughter who speaks English. For three minutes the audience watches the gentelman posting notes around the house or reciting 'to be' while riding the tram. In a bath he threatens a rubber duck with a profane line from a movie and in a public transport he accidentally confesses love to another passenger.

And then the day comes: he packs his bags and flies to meet his family.

There he is, on the doorsteps. There she is too, a little girls. He gets on his knees and introduces himself to her in English: 'Hi, I'm your grandpa'.

I'm sobbing by then.

I see Helena and my dad that will never happen.

I see an elderly man who made an effort - that will never happen for us.

I see everything we've lost as a family in recent years and much beyond that.

I put my head on my desk and I keep sobbing, my tears can't stop falling.

How I miss him!

How I've lost him!

How he's lot us!!!

I don't know how he is. Whenever I call - there is no answer and even when he answers he pretends that all is good. I've stopped investigating. I know he drinks... at this point it doesn't really matter any more how long for: a week, a month, three moths... He is digging his own grave to which he will take a part of each of us. I send him a Christmas card and wished him a Maerry Xmas but I know it's not going to be a happy time for him - so sick and so gone... far away in the ocean of alcohol. I wish he knew how much I love him and ho scared I am that I will never see him again. I wish he knew how scared I am to see him at the same time. I wish he was able to understand how it all hurts all of us and how the only thing we ever wanted from him was to be sober.

December is here.

A Difficult Month

I'm reading "Chinese Cinderella and the Secret Dragon Society" with my students. The main character, Ye Xian, looses her mother when she is a girl and her father soon finds himself a woman who becomes a dreaded stepmother - hence the Cinderella connection. Good readers we use strategies to understand the text better: we make connections with the world outside, with our own experiences and other books. In today's chapter, Ye Xian emotionally falls apart in front of her future society brothers and tells them about her misery and pain related to her mother's death. 

I was not a little girl when I lost my mother and I didn't have a stepmother but I understand the excruciating pain a child feels loosing a parent. I told my students that I understand Ye Xian's tears because five years ago I lost my own mother. 

Although a lot of time has passed, I remember everything about her.  I remember her smell. I remember her voice, I can hear it in my head. I remember how she walked. I remember the shape of her fingernails and the texture of her hair. I remember her body shape. I remember her laughs and her tears. 

Oh, how I miss her!

October is a difficult month: each year around this tie I feel her absence even more. When it's really hard I ask her if she is somewhere around and sees me and I hear the voice that tells me that she has never left anywhere. 

I miss her. 

I have flashbacks and see scenes from our life: I see her dancing: there was a time when my house was full of laughter and joy. My parents loved having people around and every weekend there was somebody around: families, friends. I see her laughing and dancing with my father. Then I see her sitting in a chair with her cigarette drinking coffee in the morning on a terrace. Many times I would join her. 

How things can go wrong!

Guilt! I have a lot of guilt inside as well. I will not write more about it here but it's there and often I need to face these difficult emotions so that they it doesn't eat me up. I have hole in my heart.

I'm trying to leave my life as well as I can. I have my up and down, and I'm surely far from being very pleased with myself. But I'm trying. I'd like to look back one day and feel that it is possible to have a 'normal life' even after such a horrible tragedy as a suicide in the family but I'm failing so often...

And then I miss her even more... She would always tell me: if not you, then who? She believed that I have a potential to become successful but...

October is a difficult month. 

I was not a little girl when I lost my mother and I didn't have an evil stepmother but I understand the excruciating pain a child feels loosing a parent.

Goodbye and See You

I was gutted yesterday when we were saying final goobyes to Ms Vivien - our beloved nanny, the primary caretaker of Helena. 

Ms Vivien has stayed with us for seven months and from the first moment we met she's been loyal and caring employee. It's even difficult to think about her as of an employee - she has become a part of our little family. 

Whenever she could - she would help. I needed to go to the immigration - she would come earlier. I needed a day off - she would take Helena for a night. I needed her to stay longer - no problem. I was sick - she would stay with me and look after Helena when I couldn't take care of her.

She looked after Helena but also Ms Vivien looked after me and made sure that I was fine. 

Ms Vivien is a great character. She is funny and robust, her personality is bigger than the world and she just fills the room with positive energy and happiness. She knows every song in the English language, she would sing them to Helena to sleep. She loves dancing and just monkeying around - and monkeying we did a lot! 

I will miss these laughs and countless peek-a-boos! I will miss her voice and laughter that I would hear already at the foot of the corridor. I heard Miss Vivien laughing and with her Helena would burst in seams. He was in the best hands in the world.

It will be different now. 

Thank you Miss Vivien for your time and commitment to Helena. You love her like you love your own children and I'm sure you planted a seed of unconditional love in Helena's heart. Thank you for being with here when I couldn't. Thank you for being with me when I had worse days and for talking to me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I wish you all the best and I hope to see you very soon.

Briefly

Oh, it's been a long time since I was here last time.

If there is anybody here reading this non regular basis, I'm sorry for my absence. Well, partly because I don't know really my readership, I tend to think that this website is really for me and really few people have a look.

Anyway....

The whole narration stopped with me and Helena going away to France to meet the French part of the family. We were not planning to meet with Olivier at that time and so you can only imagine my surprise when he showed up at the airport. I welcomed his appearance with a mixture of joy and annoyance since I didn't know what to expect. We hadn't been really talking before that. I could have been miserable and angry but instead I decided to embrace the situation and have fun. I wanted to have a good holiday for myself and Helena. My motherly heart was happy Helena was with her father, my womanly heart healed enough not to care too much about the presence of O.

And so we spent what turned up to be a lovely holiday with each other and the French family.

Everybody was super nice and open and we were woven into the family fabric in no time. Not even once had I a feeling that it something was awkward. We had a royal reception.

We spent few days by the ocean, few days in the French coutry side, few days in the capital. I ate cheese and drank wine and ate more cheese and French bread. I came back heavier but ohhhh, French food just can't be resisted. Well, it can - but what's the point then in going to France?!

We came back after two weeks of this social and culinary indulgence and right away I plunged into work. The school year started immediately.

Dad

It's your birthday tomorrow and I've been trying to reach you almost for a week now. When you called me, I was with Helena. I didn't hear... And now you're not answering. 

And I'm scared. 

I know you are alone. No, you are not alone. You are with your best friend: a bottle.

Hello?! Are you there? The voice mail again. My heart skips the beat when I hear your voice. I'm fully aware that it might be the last time I hear it. Or the only time that I hear it. 

I would like to talk to you. But... but what will I tell you? Will I tell you that I'm worried? Will I tell you that it makes me sick to think how you are wasting you life? What are we going to talk about? 

Hello?! Can you hear me? No, you cannot. You never had. I've asked you so many times! I begged you. We all did, You can't hear me from here. You wouldn't hear me even if I were in the same room screaming on top of my lungs that I love you. Even if I gave up my own life, it wouldn't change anything. One person already have. 

You want to die. I know that. You are slowly killing yourself. You don't want to live any more. You gave up. And what is the legacy you are leaving behind? What is that I will remember?! What are the lessons?! Have you ever thought about it?! 

On Friday I'm flying to Europe.  I will not come to see you. I wish I could but I won't. I promised myself that I will not bring Helena to this energy. I told you about it many times. I don't want to be in this energy, though I do feel guilty about it. I'm protecting myself and I feel guilty. You are my father, after all. I should! But I won't. I might never see you again. But it's your choice. You chose to drink, you chose to be like this. I know you are lonely. I am as well. Trust me. I feel your pain. You'd tell me that I'm still young and have things to look forward to and that's why I can't understand what you are going through. Believe me, I do. Each day I struggle as well with demons. Each day, I'm fighting for myself and now also for Helena. Each day I have to make a choice. And sometimes I slip. And I do feel abandoned by my own father. By the man who was supposed to be my anchor, my safe place, my rock. There is nothing. A huge void, darkness and emptiness... there is only a memory of a man who is no more. I can't live all my life off this memory. 

I feel sorry for you, for myself and for all of us that we have to live through in this madness. I feel sorry for wasted lives that cannot be returned. I feel sorry and sad. 

I will try to call you again tomorrow and the day after, and then the day after that. 

Please, answer.

Getting ready!

Like a prisoner I'm counting the days.  Six more! Six more, two flights and hopefully we will arrive in Paris safely and not too perplexed. 

Few last weeks were hard. The work, Helena and my own life balance have been hard to maintain and the only thing that I really felt most of the time was that I need to sleep. Most of the time I felt that I needed to sleep and if I finally were able to sleep, I think I would not wake up for a month. Very low energy. Many times I felt that there was nothing there to give: not to myself, not to Helena, not to my students... I would do things but without a spark. I would do things but without really having any fun from doing them. I'm feeling a bit better and the trip on the horizon makes me feel even more hopeful.

I was debating myself if I should go home this holiday. My dad isn't well. He is so deep in his addiction that he doesn't see anything any more. He only wants his bottle that lets him forget about everybody and everything, that lets him slowly kill himself. My heart breaks on this thought. I remember the man he used to be and now I'm so scared to see him destroyed and defeated. I haven't seen him in ages. He never skypes me. He rarely receives any phone calls. He cuts himself off. He is lonely and alcohol fills the void. I feel sorry for him and I wish I could do something for him. I wish I could go there and talk to him and he would listen and get better but too many times I've been disappointed. Too many times he lied to me for me to believe that this time it would be otherwise. I would love to see my brothers and my whole family but I need to recharge my own batteries as well. I've been feeling week myself these days and I need a safe place where I can rest. In Poland I won't get it. I would come back to Bangkok more tired and sad if I went home. Home is not my safe place. It hasn't been for a long time already. 

So we are going to France only. Perhaps we can spend Christmas in Poland but that will depend on many things.

We will spend a wonderful time together and we will meet Helena's family who seems lovely. They are so looking forward to meeting her! I couldn't be happier for her. At least this much I can do for her and take her to them. 

My communication with Olivier is very limited. Actually we don't talk to each other at all and if we do, we exchange information about Helena and even this is very short. I guess we don't have anything to say to each other any more and none of us wants to pretend that we are friends.

I'm so looking forward next week! 

Today

Today was Saturday. Today I spent most of my day with Helena. Helena. My Light. What a little girl she is! What a bubbly personality, what a gentle character! I can't get enough of her. And this laughter! It's amazing what things crack he up: it might be my gesture and she starts laughing, or something I've said and she wants me to repeat it. Today, she was lifting her t-shirt asking me to kiss her belly all over again. And then she wanted to swing upside-down, head down and I was supposed to kiss her neck. Ten time,s twenty, maybe more. And all this garnished with salves of laughter. When Helena laughs, the whole world laughs. We laugh, we play, we sing, we dance, we chase each other from one room to another and back. I love being a child again!!!

Being a child, however, evokes memories of my parents. I miss my parents. I miss my mom and my dad. One is not here any more. The other does everything he can to end his life - the thought I cannot stand. I think of them very often. We were close once. We were a family once. And then something went terribly wrong. Terribly wrong. It awes me how terribly wrong it all went. It awes me how people can get lost and never find a way out. I hope that I will never get that lost. I hope I will never lose hope and love for life. I hope I will remember that possibly there is someone out there who cares about me and this person is worth living for if not myself. I hope I will never lose love for myself. I hope I will never want to destroy myself this or another way. 

It was Father's Day. I didn't call. Not that I didn't want to. I did and I didn't. What would I talk about? Would I have to pretend again that nothing is happening? Would I try to be understanding again? Or would I loose it and yell in the receiver: it's been almost ten months and you haven't seen your granddaughter!!!! It hurts me so much! I'm the only woman left in this family and he doesn't give a flying fuck. It hurts me and makes me angry. It makes me want to scream and throw myself at him with my fists. I know things hurt him as well. I know. But now I don't give a shit because he is the father. He was supposed to be my rock, my guide, my safe place but chose to be one I wanted to run away from. And ran away I did. I took the pain. I'm so angry! Such a waste of life!!! Such a waste! Such a waste of time. 

The other father is absent as well. This one chose to be absent too! I'm living on the planet of absent me.

Absent men. 

We play and laugh, and we chase each other around. We love each other. I love this girl more than anybody in the world. I love her more than I could possibly expect I can love. For her I need not get lost, for her I need to be present, for her I need to put the past in the past, work through difficult emotions and move on.

J-23

In twenty three days we are going to France to meet Helena's family. I cannot wait. Not only it will be a well-deserved holiday for me but most of all it'll be a great opportunity to connect Helena with Olivier's relatives. The seem to be very nice people. They call us every week and make sure that they keep in touch with Helena. They love her and I can feel that. She is so much looked forward to be met. I'm so happy! We will spend 14 days in France: 10 with Olivier's mom and 4 in Paris. 

This time the trip to Paris will be soooo much different. 

I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to going back to the place where I've opened a new chapter of my life. I will take Helena for a walk and show her all the meaningful places including Rue D'Aix - I'm sure. I will have a look into that window. I will take Helena to the Eiffel Tower and to the Chapms Elysees.  I might even sing a song. I will have a baguette and hot chocolate. I will go to a restaurant where I spend a lot of time thinking. I will have a coffee on a terrace and I will enjoy. I will enjoy these moments with my Little Girl, with my Petite Parisiene. Oh, we will have a great time!!!

I'm feeling better in my head today. Better than last Friday when I really ran out of energy. 

Some consolation I found in going on a date! Yeah! I went on a date on Saturday. I'd been planing this for a long time but something had always come in a way - usually lack of money really. This time, however, I thought that I need to go out to people or I would go nuts. And so I'd been talking to this gentleman for a while and we decided that it was a good idea to have some fun. And we did. And it was very nice. 

Helena stayed at home with the nanny and was very brave about it. Even she thought, I think, that it was time. I can't be so isolated from the rest of the world and having a little baby does this to one - isolate.

It was a bit unnerving but went good. Very good indeed. I had a great time which taught me that maybe, perhaps, despite the fact that I am a mom, maybe there will be still someone for me. Not this one but this one reminded me that I still can be attractive to a man, that even though I'm not the easiest to date, it still can be done when organized properly. So yay!!! 

I met Helena on Sunday with new energy! I missed her but I was happy to be away for some time and I was happy to be back. Balance. 

I Sat Down and Cried

Usually everything is under control. My emotions as well. Usually, I am able to look at the bright side. Usually, I am able to convince myself that one day things will be fine. 

But not yesterday.

Yesterday I sat down and cried. 

It was the last day of school. Time for holiday and rest but not for me. On Monday I go back to school for the summer. Four weeks. I'm glad I can do it and earn money to start my Master's but at the same time I am sooo tired. I am sooo tired and sick worried!!! And yesterday it all exploded. Me on the floor crying. Me on the floor thinking: what will I do? Can I do it? Can I really handle all this by myself? Can I be a teacher, a mother, a friend, a runner... can I be myself all the same time? Can I really give Helena the best things? Can I? Can I? And so I sat and cried. I felt left alone. So left alone with this all! And who should I ask for help, really? It felt so lonely and scary there on the floor in the dark. 

Helena was asleep unaware of my distress. And good. The last thing I want for Helena is to suffer because of me. 

I needed a hug but there was nobody to hug me. I needed just to cry and cry into somebody's arms as one more optimistic thought seemed to be impossible to generate. I felt that one more smile would kill me. I didn't want to smile, I didn't want to think that everything would be ok. Yesterday on that floor I felt so heave that I though I would never get up. I didn't want to get up.  I wanted someone to pick me up and hold me till I didn't have any more tears to cry. I wanted someone to take care of me. This one time. But I was alone. I got up. I dried my tears and marched to bed. I rolled in a ball and fell asleep.

It's hard to be the whole world.

I know I chose having Helena myself. This is why it's so hard for me to ask for any support. I feel like I don't deserve this help: Helena is my resposibility and  I should be able to get my act together... The truth is that I need help. I still don't know how to ask for it.

It's a new day today. I feel a bit better but I feel that if I won't change something and soon, I might be in trouble.

Waiting for a Baby To Arrive and After

No, no. Not mine. My baby is out already and soon we will celebrate a year together. Many of my friends, though, have become first time moms now or are expecting a baby in next nine months. When I talk to them, it takes me back a year ago to these months preceding Helena's arrival.

The first three months were not very happy. They were downright miserable and sad, and it took me time to make a decision that enough crying was enough. When I listen to my friends and how happy they are in these first months, I feel jealous a bit... but also happy that they don't have to go through what I did. I feel happy that they have partners and families who stand next to them and I am happy that they will be taken care of. It's such a special time and going through it alone is not fun. So, I'm happy that they won't have to.

Certainly, being pregnant alone didn't kill me. Helena was born healthy and beautiful. I survived the labor. Happy ending. I will never forget, though. And I think I will never really forgive. 

No, I'm sure my expecting friends are reading tons about becoming a parent. Please, stop. Now. From what I remember - becoming a parent these days is being presented as a massive disaster, actually. I really hate it! 

Yes, it is difficult, sure. Yes, you will not sleep for a while and you will be tired but it's not the end of the world if you have a partner to help you or anybody to help you, really. 

No, you don't have to take your child to the bathroom with you, as some suggest because you can't put it down. Put it down. It will cry, it will cry. It doesn't kill. You have to address your own needs as well and your child has to learn that you are not a slave to anyone. Helena, my daughter, is being reminded of it daily. When I get ready for work, I put her in her cot and I tell her that now she will have to stay with herself because I have to take a shower and get ready. Initially she protested, of course. But I gently remind her that I need showers and I need to get ready so she has to suck it up. And she does. Now, she will scream sometimes but mostly she has accepted that her staying by herself and me showering is a part of the routine. The bathroom door is open, she sees me, we talk but I shower as long as I want and she waits for me.

I read somewhere that there is no time for cooking and I should be prepared for ordering takeaways all the time. No, no, and no!!! I cook all the time. I cook for three days sometimes, in big batches but I cook and a takeaway apprears very rarely on my table. The nanny helps, sure. When Olivier was here, it was even easier since he is a great chef and our dinner were fantastic. But even when I am alone, again, I put Helena away and I tell her that it's time for me to prepare food and I need this time because I need to be healthy. She screamed maybe sometimes, and sometimes I have to pick her up and stop chopping up veggies but I put her donw, and go back to cooking and she knows that it's important. I'm nobodys's slave.

The same goes for working out. I come back from work, I work full time and with lots of guilt, yes, but I put on my running shoes and I go for a run. I tell Helena that it's important and that after I will have all the time for her. The Nanny leaves at 5 so around this time I have to be done with everything for the day if I want to be with Helena for another two hours before she goes to sleep.

Also, you don't have to wear your yoga pants all the time. Kids will wait for you to change your clothes and if not, then it means that you taught them otherwise. If they cry when you do your things, let them cry. They will get used to it eventually. I think.

I tell Helena that my needs are as important as hers and if I'm happy, she will be happy too. It's like on the plane, right? I can only help her when my oxygen mask is on.

So, my friends, don't worry. You will be fine. Life will be different and hectic but you can manage. Especially when you are on a maternity leave and with the help you will be getting from your partners and families.

And for now, now just relax and enjoy this special time waiting for your special baby, she or he will be in your arms sooner than you expect.

 

Another Month

Every month, on this day I feel proud of myself that, after all, I'm holding it all together. 

I pay my bills and I smile. 

I pay the nanny and I'm grateful that this wonderful woman is still with us and looks after Helena with so much care and love. I hate to think that we will lose her in October.

I buy nappies and milk for Helena and I feel happy that I can look after my baby and give her shelter, warmth and food. 

I do the groceries and I think that I'm lucky I can get all these veggies and fruits. 

I pay back my student loan and I can't wait till it's over! Six more months to go. 

I'm doing it all by myself. I feel quite proud. No, no. I'm feeling very proud. Disappointed that Helena's father... whatever. Another time.

We don't have much. I will have to pick up some extra work soon - Helena is growing fast and soon she will need new wardrobe, soon she will need a bit more than nappies only.  And shoes! Soon she will need shoes which I was reminded of when talking about our visit to Europe. It's colder there! And kids need shoes. Here, not so much. But there - it's a different story. 

We're going in 45 days.  I'm counting them because I'm a bit tired and I'm looking forward to some holidays. I'm working 24/7 now. Last night before I fell asleep I was thinking about my life before Helena and how free and careless things were. I remembered how easy it was to go to the gym and how I could spend hours there or in the pool. Now it's a bit more complicated. I'm not one person any more. Do I regret it? No. I just miss having time for myself but I imagine it will change as well one day. Everything will change. With Helena everything is dynamic. 

Tomorrow, my Little Helena is 9 months! 18 months have passed since the conception. A year and a half. Wow! Wow! Wow! Another month of growth and experiencing the world. Another month of learning and getting to know things around. How she has changed! I looked at the pictures from the hospital! She was so little and she couldn't do anything by herself. And now! Now she is learning new things every day and each day she is becoming more and more independent. Helena knows how her name and reacts to it. She claps her hands and waves goodbyes. She knows when I say 'come' and she comes (not always, she has her opinion as well if it's worth to comes). She even has her favourite songs: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" and "Il est ne, le divin enfant", a French Christmas song.  She has her favourite book and a toy. She likes things and some she doesn't and it's amazing to observe how this all is changing and developing. 

So another moth... We've done it, Helena! Yay!!!

Mom

It was Mother's Day yesterday in Poland.

It's the fourth one without Mom. I can't even express how I miss her. I look at her picture every day and I miss her every day: sometimes more, sometimes less but the feeling is there. She is being missed. 

I'm thinking sometimes that she didn't give us a chance. But then, I would never in the world have accepted what was going on at home. 

Still, that she chose to end her life is painful. 

 I still remember her smell, I remember her voice. I remember how she lit and held a cigarette. I remember everything. I remember how she laughed and I remember how she cried. Her tears are engraved on my heart. I remember how she danced and how she loved music - the louder, the better. I remember how she loved cinema. I remember how she loved. 

She loved life. She wanted to live but she didn't know how any more. It was too much. I know it was too much.

Mom, I hope that you're watching us, me and Helena and that you are proud of us. Watch over us. We love you.

Half-marathon

21.1 km is a distance that breaks sweat. It's not a killer but it's not something that you can just get up and run if you want to complete it at a decent time. 

It wasn't easy to find the time to train with Helena. Work, training, Helena, trying to learn some French and squeeze in few minutes to relax. This is a lot for one person. Without Helena's nanny I wouldn't be able to do any of this. Actually, I wouldn;t be able to function. I don't have a family here - so Ms Vivien is the only person now who can help. 

And help she does. Last Wednesday it happened that I fell down the stairs at school. Straight on my elbo with all by body weight. It hurt and I was not able to move my arm for few days. Just before the race. There was a race in January - I got sick, now I fell down the stairs - I decided that even if I'd have to crawl to the finishing line, I'm not resigning. And I didn't.

I put some bandage on, took painkillers and run.

Oh, what a wonderful run it was!!! I flew! I was happy and felt light. I dedicated this race to Helena and my Mom. I would love Helena to grow up with sport - it teaches so much about life, about challenge, about grit and perseverance. I want her to experience the joys of completing a challenge, the ups and downs of getting the goal - it's not easy. It takes motivation and dedication. It takes some character to train. It takes a decision to make that one is reay to make this commitment. This I want Helena to grow up with and learn from me. Nobody has taught me these things. I had to find them myself and it took me way too much time. For my Mom... I hope that she was watching me proudly from the above: I haven't given up and I'm running. In last few years I was dealt difficult hands: her death, then Helena and the whole stress around it. But here I am! And I'm running, one step at a time. I'm not a champion but I do my work, and I am committed. I hope she sees that and cheers me up. I know she does. 

When the gun went of, my eyes welled up with tears. There I was again - racing, competing with myself mostly but without unnecessary worries about time. I enjoyed the run. I was the run. I was the weather around me and I was one with myself and the nature. I ran with a smile. I ran with my heart filled with love - filled with love to Helena, to my friends, to the world. I ran grateful for what I have and where I am. Last year,  there were moments when I thought I would no more be. But I am and I will be. 

On the finishing line Helena was waiting for me and it was the best thing ever!!! She smiled and I know that she knew how important it was for me. I know she felt me happy and that made her happy as well.

So there. I was ninth in my age category with 2hrs19 min at the finishing line. Not bad a all.

When I stop being sore from Sunday, I'm staring training to another run sometimes soon and I'm seriously considering a full marathon in November here in Bangkok. 

Happy at the finishing line

Rights and Responsibilities

Last night Olivier demanded that I remove his name from all my posts here under the claim that they are harmful and invade his privacy. When I said that I would consider this, guess what? He threatened me that he will report on me to Blogger and say that I'm harassing him. A pattern: whenever I don't want to comply, I'm being reminded that actions can be taken against me because he has rights to demand things from me. I should be respectful and respect his life... To make me more aware of my wrongdoings, I was told that I even might be punished for the things I wrote.  In a post some time ago I said that if a woman that he'd been dating and who also wanted to help him convince me to have an abortion came close to Helena, I would rip her into pieces... Easy, I will not! I used it as a figure of speech and I have never and will never harm anyone. I still stand firmly on the grounds, though, that I don't want her to have anything to do with my daughter. Ever.

I looked at the Blogger's privacy policy today and the truth is that I haven't violated anyone's good name. I can write about my life and as long as I don't spread lies and harmful content, I'm fine. Blogger rarely takes down anything down unless it's serious. They suggest that if a dispute arises, the two parties resolve it among themselves. Everything I have written about Olivier and his relationship with us, Helena and me, is true. What is more, haven't written some things, exactly these things that could be harmful. Why? Because he asked me not to. So I didn't.

Last night I was told that I'm being difficult and everything is always difficult with me.

So far it's never been a problem and Olivier has been aware that his name has been used. I'm guessing though that he just doesn't want new people to know. Oh, he says that it's my life and he doesn't want to be involved in it... So far the post directed to Gaelle wasn't a problem as well. He actually laugh to me about her reaction to it not that long time ago. But now, his name in this blog on the second page in Google has become a problem.

He's been very good at demanding his rights, especially those related to Helena and I've never done anything to make things between the two of them difficult. He asks - he gets. But when somebody is so good with claiming their rights, they also should know their responsibilities. And so far, ever since he left, he declined to fulfill his responsibilities towards Helena. I was told that the court will rule out things, then I was told that Helena has no expenses, then I was reminded that I have my own salary to cover everything, and lastly I was told that he has his expenses in US in France and supporting Helena now is not in his budget. It's me, however, who is being difficult.

I took down his legal name. It's not worth the fight.

A Sleeping Milestone

On Monday evening I was soooo tired that I couldn't take another sucking session from Helena and as she was getting ready to grab my nipple I said no to it. This is, somehow organically, the decision has been made that feeding and carrying to sleep have to go. I should have told Helena about it before I implemented the procedure (I do believe she understands what's going on around her) but she was informed about it during what turned out to be three hours of crying. Three very long hours during which I had to be firm but gentle, consistent and confident. Not an easy task when the Little one is crying and looks so sad that one wants to pick her up at once rock her to sleep and forget about everything. But I didn't give in. I was there with her all the time, on the bed, next to her when she was crying. I assured her that I am there with her and I will never leave her in need. She cried and cried, and cried. She didn't know why the teaty was suddenly gone: her beloved nipple, her consolation, her best friend, her safe place was gone. My hear was broken but I stuck to my guns. Eventually after said three hours she fell asleep and I fell on my face. Tired. 

The next day, yesterday was much easier and my spirits got up. She cried but less - maybe and hour and a half. We stared the ritual earlier: lights down, screens off, bath, food, burp and bed. She surely wanted to be carried around and wanted to be given a breast but the whole drama didn't last long and soon Helena drifted away in sleep. And so I spelt as well.

Today a miracle has happened and she fell asleep without crying. She was told that today will be the same as two other days and that she will be falling asleep by herself. The whispering bear was on, I sang Silent Night and after 45 minutes Helena was out. Yay!!! She woke up for a moment crying very loud but was able to find her safe place soon after and went back to sleep. 

I am so happy with this. I still wake up during the night twice but already I can see that the quality of her sleep and mine has improved. It's so important for both of us to be well rested even if it means that each day is anchored in the same routine. 

I'm well aware that tomorrow may be different and she might not sleep at all but I will nevertheless celebrate my little parental victory. I will celebrate it here and on Facebook since I have nobody here right next to me to share these little victories with. And it's a major victory, actually.

I feel a bit sad myself, I must admit. Weaning Helena means that she is becoming more independent and she is approaching a finishing line of  her infancy. I love watching her grow and each milestone she hits gives me so much happiness but I realize that time passes quickly. Time used to fly before she was born but now it is travelling with the speed of light. 

So here we are! Another beautiful day with Helena - a day to be grateful for. I will sleep like a baby tonight!

Update

I haven't been here in such a long time! Oh my! It's been a month already! And honestly, I can't even remember what's been happening. I should probably be taking notes on daily basis to remember. Basically, life revolves around Helena, my work and training. I'm getting ready to a half-marathon now and with full-time job and with Helena, getting ready is tough. Last week we were both a bit sick so going to the gym was not an option. The week before that I took my exercise to work so that I didn't waste my time on coming back home, changing and walking to the gym. I will have to go back to it after the half-marathon is done.

Meanwhile I'm also trying to learn some French and I had a lesson with a lovely teacher. I was told that I did a great job studying myself and I was so happy speaking my broke French. The language lives with me and all I need now is to practice. All... it's not such an easy thing to organize the lessons when I only have an hour free after work. My teacher's schedule has changed and now she cna't be coming here on Fridays... I might not be able to continue with her... Life of a mom is not easy - it's very busy. 

Soon, it will be even busier - I'm going back to school in October. 

I guess then I will have to seriously prioritize - I know already that I won't be able to do all these things at the same time. Alone. I wish I could but with Helena... I have her to attend and I want to spend time with my daughter whenever I can! It's bad enough that she spends most of her waking hours with Ms. Vivien who is wonderful and carrying but who is not Helena's mom. So recently even when I run, I run. I'm running when running. It's running in a hurry. It's running with higher speed in less time. I do the intervals and started doing 15km/hr just to make my workout more efficient. How I envy those moms who have two hands to help them and somebody to take over. Though, it is what it is for now and these are the circumstances I'm in andall I can do it to look into a bright future and do my best.

Meanwhile San Fransisco is a fascinating place full of interesting activities and fun. (sic!!!) 

Helena is growing fast and almost daily she is becoming more and more independent. It will still take some time before I see put on her own clothes and wipe her own butt. She has recently mastered the art of sitting and staying in the position for longer than three seconds and falling on her side. Now she is sitting, she is anchored and she is upright. And when she is sitting like this and when I watch hep playing, I can't stop but think that it all goes so fast. The days are long but the months and years are very fast. Eight moths ago she was laying on the bed totally unaware where she was and completely helpless and now... and no she knows so much about the world already! She knows for example how to get my attention in the morning by whacking me on my face with her adorable little hand and by giving me a wettest kiss in the world which is not really a kiss yet but sucking my lips. Adorable. The world of dripping saliva and laud farts. The world of laughs and smiles so sweet that no matter how tired I am when They happen, I'm back on my feet again. Each day I love her more and more and each day we are learning each other. What an experience! Yes, I am tired. I'm sometimes so tired that I want to cry. I'm sometimes so tired that I get annoyed and I'm angry with the whole world: Olivier and other people who are not there for me and Helena as they should. And it all is ok, It;s ok to be tired as I'm doing something tiring and difficult. But... but I know deep, deep in my heart that it will all be fine and that one day I will get at least my sleep back. Or not (ha, ha, ha). Nobody knows but for my own comfort I want to believe that one day, sometimes in the future, things will settle. 

With all this, I also remember to be grateful for all I have. I've been seeing recently posts on Facebook about sick children with cancer and I just can't imagine. Lives destroyed in a second with one word: cancer. That's why I celebrate each moment with Helena remembering that we don't have it all that hard. We are surrounded by good people, we have some money, I have work which allows me to provide for myself and Helenka and we are both healthy, thank God. It's all good. 

So that's that. One day at a time. Step by step.

That was us last Sunday. Such a great weekend with my Girl!

I'm Loving It

There are moments when I'm not. Especially in the middle of the night, just when I have to go to work in the morning or at 4:30 in the morning when Helena decides that the night is over and it's time to play.  Then I'm not loving it so much, this whole thing called being a mom. Then all the reason is gone, fast asleep and the only thing I want is to be asleep as well.  But these moments are rare, thank goodness, so on the balance sheet I love it more often than I don't. 

If it's not 4:30 in the morning, I love being woken up by this little human climbing on top of my head, puling my hair out, sticking her fingers into my ears and nose, and giving me the biggest and the brightest smile in the world. The day's started, Mom!!! I'm here!!! I love you!!! And a big smile, just like this. Not because I've done anything special, not because it's a special day - a big smile that conveys the joy of life, the bliss, the happiness of just being. 

And then we cuddle. Helena crawls to a fan and plays around with the buttons, on and off, on and off. The we cuddle some more. I do the monkey, or a puppy and a kitty, she smiles more or even laughs. I laugh back and then together on all four  we crawl to the kitchen to put the kettle on for coffee. (I spend most of my time now on my four with Helena crawling like her looking at the world from the floor perspective).

We play, we go swimming, we eat... we have some time apart as well when Helena sleeps and I do my own things, or when she is with her nanny and I can go to the gym or read/learn something... but it's always such a pleasure to go back to her and her smile, and jovial personality. We go to a park to see some other kids and just lay on the grass, or rather crawl on it or look into the sky.

When the night comes, we have already the whole ritual figured out: shower, bottle, sleep and it's getting better and better. Helena is out - she falls asleep in my arms. Her little body relaxes in my arms, I sing her a lullaby, she find her comfort and drifts safely away. I kiss her head thousand times, her soft her tickles my lips. I feel her smell. It's all wonderful 

I'm more than aware that those moments will pass. Helena will not be a baby for a long time and that's why I'm trying to enjoy her babyhood and be present as much as I can.  Here and now is the most important. And here and now is good. I'm not impressed with her father and how he left and how he doesn't care to chip in  the finances claiming that Helena has no expenses. He said he had declared his readiness to help and he had till I said I wasn't going to the States. So what was the best to punish me? Money! He will tell me that he has got the right to see Helena - sure! But with the rights come responsibilities and these have been recently neglected on the father's side. As if also I was asking for a fortune! Shame! As I was asking for money for shoes and bags! And the court will decide! Blah, blah, blah... We are again abandoned and I can't take it any more. So what was the purpose of coming here in the first place? On the bright side, his family are very attentive and call Helena regularly have offered help! But I cringe because Helena has a father who should help, not the family. I also regret that we can't do it together. Very much! It's not only about the money but as we can't do it otherwise, Helena should be getting financial assistance from her father BY THE LAW! I'm not asking about anything else. By the law both parents are supposed to financially support the child. BOTH PARENTS as much as they can. BOTH. And since the two DNA tests, Helena has had a father. So like it o not, we are both in it and not because I had insisted on his presence. O. came to Helena's life as his own decision ready to be the father. Or was he? I'm not writing this to discredit Helena's dad - he was great with her, he helped a lot, and I'm sure he loves her, I have no doubts but he tends to treat me like nothing, or at least it feels like this, and after all that we've been through, it feels very fucking unfair.

Apart from that... We are good. I am good and in love. In love with this little girl of mine. I look at her in her sleep and I swear that I she is the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen. 

I'm loving it.

From Bangkok

It's been already a week since my last day at school. The time is flying so I'm enjoying each day with my little one. We play, we sing, we talk, we laugh and smile, we watch Peppa the Pig, and we go swimming. There's no time to be bored. 

With all this I'm assisted by Helena's nanny - Ms. Vivien who is an angel and makes my life here with Helena possible. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be able to work! I cringed one day when she said that she might be going back to the Philippines and never come back. I told her than I will be on my knees begging her not to do so. She is so good. I wish I could pay her more because she surely is worth more than I can give her (I hope she won't find somebody who will give her more and go - Helena loves her so much already...). But I can't pay more since I'm doing it all my myself. Ms Vivien knows that we are on one salary and says that she's not going anywhere. For now.

Myself I'm annoyed that Helena's father has left me like this. No more about this, I'm annoyed and I'm wondering what to do with it all. Fucking court will decide... I can't get over it. Maybe the court should decide about other things as well then...  When I tried to talk about it - I got impolitely ignored. All this can be put this way: encore le mots, tojour de mots, le meme mots, rien que de mots!!! 

Luckily Helena is healthy, happy and smiley.  If anyone is missing something is surely not me. I can get by on every little I have and Helena will have to get by with me. She doesn't care for now and I'm doing everything I can to make her happy and safe, and to be prepared for emergencies. So much I can do alone. 

On a different note: on the 22nd of May I'm running a half marathon and I'm dedicating in to my mom, Helena and myself. I hope that I will never run out of steam in life and that I will be able to face no matter what the future holds.Running long distances in like living life: you need a lot of determination and dedication to finish the race. You need to practice and commit, and there are no shortcuts. Sounds like raising a child as well. 

It's not all easy and I would like to be better supported by the other side but I've decided not to despair and try to make the most of whatever little I have. And maybe I should also stop saying that it's little: I have a roof over my head, food on my table, my daughter is healthy and I'm healthy, I have secured a job for next two years... possibly it's not that little. It's all I have now and it has to be enough.

So now, enough of this writing and off I go to play with teddy bears.

 

I'm Doing It

 I'm doing it.

Each day I'm making sure Helena has everything she needs: I shower her, I put her to sleep, I feed her when she wants to be fed, I sing to her, I comfort her when she is uncomfortable. Each day I go to work and leave her with an amazing nanny so that I earn money and make all this possible, however little it is... No, no... It's not little. It's a lot! I should stop belittle myself and pat myself on the shoulder a little bit for all that I've been doing. I'm a mom, I'm a breadwinner, I take care of myself and Helena, and my kids at home. Nothing is perfect but all is good enough - and that's a lot.

A month ago, I though I was falling apart again. I was so sad that he was going but I knew I couldn't go with him. Not the way it was offered to me.

But here I am again after a month... still standing. Maybe not better than I've ever been but nevertheless still standing and doing what I'm supposed to do. And that's a lot.

It's a lot considering that I'm in this by myself. I have friends around but they can't make things happen for me. I am the engine.

It's certainly not a walk in a park but I'm doing it and I should give myself a bit more of a credit for all this. I should... No! I want to celebrate more these things that I have than those that I might lack. After all, I'm doing it and I'm doing it well enough. Nothing has collapsed, I'm safe, my daughter is healthy, and though Olivier is away, life goes on and hasn't stopped for a moment.

I'm doing it. 

She Blows My Mind

It blows my mind: I hold Helena in my arms, a little human girl. A little perfection: most of what she will use in her life is there already there ready to be nurtured and activated by me - by her primary care giver. She is not  just a white sheet to be written on - she is a person already with her moods, with he likes and dislikes, needs with all these little things that make her Helena. To me, she is whole already and my responsibility is to nurture this wholeness, to prompt what's good and to help her navigate the world.  She will be discovering the world with me and for a long time she will see it through my eyes.  My vision is impaired. I've been both disabled  and enabled by my own experiences: now it's the quiestion where will the accents go: on the positive and empowering or the negative and the disability will continue. That's how it happens across generations. The vision impairment is contagious: what I'm scared of - Helena most probably will internalize. What I consider safe - she will as well. She will soon pick on what I make of the world and people in it. This life that I'm nurturing is such a responsibility that it blows my mind. 

She looks at me with so much trust and belief - for Helena I'm the compass, the map and the guide. 

I know Helena is not mine - she will go away one day and it's my responsibility to equip her for this journey. I need to equip her with the tools that she will see that work ergo through my own life I  need to show her how to make use of these tools. It's a beautiful and a very challenging task. I'm honored that she is my daughter but when think of all these stages that we will go through and of my role as a mom, I'm feeling often overwhelmed. I don't want to be perfect, it's not about it. Far too well I know that I'm a flawed human being but I just would like to be good enough and make Helena comfortable and safe, and confident that the world is a good place: yes, there are challenges and we already have few of them but we can learn to work around them and still be happy.She will see me practicing it, she will believe it. She will see me only saying that- she will know that I'm selling her crap.

 But why am I writing all this? Oh yes! I just felt this wave of love today when she was falling asleep in my arms. The wave of love and awe. I'm awed with the wholeness of this little human being, I'm awed with how much she already knows, how observant she is. I'm stunned by her new skills that she develops each day, I marvel over her character. Such a little human being and there is already so much to her, she is already so complex - simple in some ways but so complex and wholesome it other ways.

Helena blows my mind. 

Helena Anna

When Helena Anna gives me her smile, it's like all the starts are smiling at me and nothing else really matters. And she does smile! With her big mouth! She smiles with her whole body and soul. She smiles at me as if she wants to say that it's not worth worrying when she is around, as if she wanted to tell me that everything will be fine in the end and give me courage to pursue what I want to achieve.

Helena means light and she is my light at the moment.

I have this picture of her from which she looks straight at me with so much hope and trust. I am all she has and she is all I have now. She trusts me. She thinks that I'm the whole world. It's a wonderful feeling. It's a great responsibility. Scary sometimes. Often. I took this responsibility on myself but sometimes, especially when it happens that we are not sleeping at night, I wonder if I can make it happen alone. Olivier is not here... he is about to start his new life and though I know he will be there for Helena, he is not here now and whatever happens here is a solo act. But then... there is  no other option than just play my role as well as I can. And I will. And I am. Helena is worth it... such a lovely little human being! Yes, she climbs on me now at ungodly hours in the morning, she wakes me up pulling my hair or just helping herself with my breast and sucking out the life of me... I'm tired sometimes so much that I want to cry and I'm not even allowed my afternoon coffee... I'm dreaming of a fully slept night and a holiday but when I look at her my heart melts and I pull myself together and enjoy as much as I can.

I love her. I love my daughter. Each day more, each day stronger, each day deeper.

The Court Will Decide

So here we are again: in the language of threats. I spoke to Olivier last night - I asked about the financial assistance he will provide for Helena and I got the answer that it will be up to a judge to rule that. We are not able to come up with any decision by ourselves so the decision will be made for us, he decided. Apparently, he had spoken to many people around him and they told him that he has the same rights to Helena as I did. Wow! Surely, one needs an army of advisers to figure that out.  I'm wondering if these are the same friends who told him I should have had an abortion and who helped him write a document I was supposed to sign saying that I would never seek any help from him and that I would take care of Helena all by myself. Sweet Jesus!!! I ripped the paper in pieces as a sign of peace between us on the New Year's Eve when he still was staying in Thailand for a long time "till we both can move somewhere where we can both see Helena". The peace was not long lasting.

Helena is his as well -  of course!!! I never said otherwise! I let him in my house. He lived with us for four months!!! We cooked together, we shopped together, we joked, we spoke, we spent 24 hours in each others company. I let him be with Helena as long as he wanted. He left when he wanted to and basically he does whatever he wants all the time: he comes in when he wants and leaves when he wants. Nobody stops him, nobody threatens him. 

I never said he cannot see Helena again!!! I said repeatedly that my house is always open for him and he can see Helena whenever he wants. It is Olivier who comes and goes as he pleases. It is him who said he didn't know when he would see Helena again as he is going to America. And it was him who said that since I don't want to share Helena with him, which is not true, he is going to have a new baby soon - the one for himself. I'm here all the time, quite consistent. After October he went back to Paris to start his business but that wasn't good any more since he missed Helena, came back to stay here with us, to be with Helena. And then the plan changed. "Have your American dream!" - he says.   And now, since I don't want to go to the States, the judges are supposed to decide. So it be. I'm not going anywhere and there is nobody in the world who can make me move abroad against my will or take Helena away from me.

I had hoped we can work things out. Now it's again about power: he will show me how powerful he is, he will show me that I can't make my own decisions, he will show me... He will show me and I will see. I will see how difficult it will be without his assistance. Oh, I will see. It's exactly the same situation we were in last year: he left me pregnant to show me and I saw, and I survived. I'm not playing this game any more. I'm not scared. I had hoped it will never come to that but I guess I've had given him too much of a credit of trust. Now the credit limit has been exhausted and there is no more trust in me to give.

I'm sad, I know he is sad as well... We are both struggling and when it's understandable that there's conflict of interests, it makes me even sadder that we are turning our back on each other again.

Attachement Style

In the book I'm reading now 'Mean Mothers' it says that the way we relate to people and how we form relationships with them and ultimately the way we parent our children depends on the kid of the attachment style we developed as children. This primary relationship with our parents and caregivers will guide us (misguide us) when choosing life partners and later they will influence our relationships with our own children.

Scary but also a bit empowering in a way that it seems that what  I have some sort of an explanation. The way I relate to men isn't random. The way I suffer after a breakup isn't accidental and it all can be explained, understood and reversed. The dynamics can be changed if there will be a person or people who will show one that it is possible to do things another way, to relate to others differently: without fear,without too high expectations, just in a natural and healthy way. It's been more than  a year since I heard "I don't love you and I don't want to be with you' repeated then few more times. Very painful - even more painful than a labor pains, I think. This is gone but the wound caused by these words I'm carrying in my heart. It is still there and I haven't done much healing. But oh, I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of wasting my time on people who don't care about me. I'm tired of even thinking about them and using the energy I have on them. I'm doing it nevertheless but I'm tired. Hopefully this tiredness will inspire me to stop. This ruminating, this thinking about Olivier and not being able to shut the door comes for sure from the way I attach myself. I hope that once I dissect this, it will be easier for me to control my thoughts and be more focused on my life, on Helena, on my studies, on people who love me rather than thinking about this one person who doesn't.

Anxiety

I'm trying to do all these things to reduce stress and yet, I'm feeling knots in my stomach all the time. Stressing about work, stressing about my studies but mostly stressing about Helena and if I will be able to make it happen for her... Firstly, I'm feeling horribly guilty about that her dad is not present - she is such a perfection, such an adorable human being and she already starts with this deficiency that I will never be able to replace. I cannot be both her dad and he mom and I just home that I can be good enough of a mom and not hurt her even more. But can I? 

I'm reading this book now called "Mean Mothers" and it's about how complicated and troubled a relationship between a mother and a daughter can be. I know it because my relationship with my mom was quite troubled to say the least. As I'm reading those pages, it strikes me how much effort I will have to put into nurturing this little human and trying as much as I can not to transfer my frustrations, deficiencies and disappointments onto her. It's daunting, I'm scared. She is such a lovely human being - she means the world to me! But am I good enough for her? Will I be able to give her all that she needs by myself? And will I be able to remember about all these things that hurt me in my relationship with my mother so that I don't repeat them with Helena? And what if, in the end, it will all fail and my daughter will decide that I sucked? So many questions I have, so few answers! 

As I was lying in bed last night I was thinking about my own mom and how one day Helena will ask what happened to her grandma and I will have to tell her the truth, the hard truth that mom took her life... And will Helena wonder if such a solution is a possibility for her mother as well? Will she live in fear? What will she make out of it? And what about the granddad? What will she learn from the fact that he is absent as well, in the arms of alcohol, choosing his addiction to his family? What will she make out of it? And what will she make out of the fact that her own dad is away... I just really hope that the dad will step up and make effort to have a relationship with Helena against the distance, against all odds. I hope she will know him and she will not be left with this hole in her heart that cannot be replaced. I hope he will be her hero and show that she can always rely on him, even if her parents are not together or rather have never really been together. I really hope. Every little girl needs a hero, needs a dad and needs to be told by him that she is the most beautiful, smartest and lovable little girl in the world. That he will stand by her no matter what... what that is missing, the little girl will look in all wrong places to fill this void... I know because I have such a little girl inside me whose dad abandoned her and who has never fully recovered from it. I just hope that it won't be the case. She is so wonderful, such a fine girl with so much baggage already. My heart is torn apart.

I'm going home soon. I will have two full days with my little Helena to enjoy. I will have some time to maybe relax and just be there with her and not think about all these really sad things running through my head and heart.

Exercise Keeps Me Sane

I've started again. I have never really stopped but I've few breaks since Helena was born and I wasn't quite regular. 

Last Thursday Helena woke up at 5:30 and didn't want to hear about going back to sleep so I thought that instead of being frustrated, I will put me sneakers and top on and do some exercise on a mat. I was testing Helena actually and her reaction and with delight, 20 min later when I'd finished, I registered that my daughter has nothing against playing by herself when I was jumping around. In fact, she watched me quite intrigued - she hadn't seen me like this before. And so since Thursday we've had a new routine: wake up, cuddles, kisses, breakfast,  20-minute exercise, cuddles, kisses, shower, cuddles, kisses and more kisses and work, and more exercise in the afternoon, then back home to Helena - back to my daughter who is just amazing - a little ray of light that shines more and more each day. I love her, I love her, I love her and I love that we can be together in peace and harmony with a mutual respect for our needs. It really seems that Helena understands that I need to have these few moments for myself in the morning and then in the afternoon to unwind. And gosh, I do need to unwind after the whole day at school. Whatever it is running, swimming or pilates - physical activity allows me to be in the moment and take my thoughts away from whatever worries I have and whatever bitter sentiments show up. And those I have a lot. So I exercise and try to stay sane and as positive as possible. The self-discipline is very helpful when going through downs... No matter what happens in the day and no matter how shitty thoughts appear - there are always those few moments when I stop, turn everything off and concentrate just on the movement of my body and not on the movement of my brain. It is a healthy way to get rid of stress and release some endorfines, and get rid of some of the baby fat. So, no matter what, I will keep it going. I have no excuse - I just have to organize my day properly and I find time for everything - a matter of motivation  and deciding what is important - exercise and healthy life-style is very high on the priority list.

The day is over. I'm going to cuddle this little human girl and off to sleep.

New Week

I kicked off the new week with morning exercise. Since last Thursday I managed to throw 15 min programme before I go to work. Helena sits in her chair, plays or watches me and I throw my legs around. That's prefect for me. She wakes up early anyway and if I can't sleep, I will exercise. Plus, she really doesn't mind and I need to move around otherwise I will go crazy. The hot season is coming, she is now recovered from pneumonia which means that in a month or so we will hit the pool and have some fun in water. Yay!!!

The big Song Kran holiday is coming, many days off but I'm not sure if we'll be able to go anywhere. I'm still not clear about my university and if it'll be possible for me to start in April or if I'm taking a course in October. Plus, I need to save. I need quite a reserve for when we need it - like for hospital bills. At some point I also would like to go to Europe and introduce Helena to my family and perhaps Olivier's and to d so we need money. So, more and more I'm considering changing my apartment into something smaller and cheaper. I love my place and I need space for myself but I also need savings and since I can't work extra downsizing might be an option. Just thinking.

I've been reading this really good book called "Mean Mothers" about how daughter's  relationship with  mother can either make or break her. How mother's past and model of attachment influences the way she parents her offspring. It's a very good book but also a very difficult one for me. I know already that my home wasn't healthy. There happened things that I should never have witnessed and be part of. I know that my parents shaped me and not always in a good way. I know that some of this not-goodness will potentially be passed on Helena. I feel responsible to stop this cycle of unhappiness and learn how to live in a different way - happy and fulfilling and not threatening to neither me or Helena. It's a huge challenge. Makes my head spin, actually.

So that's that. Helena is fast asleep and I have some time to plan my lessons for tomorrow. I will do that and finish my day.

The challenge for coming days - figure out how to get Helena's visa without losing a day at work. Something has to come up.

 

24 hours

When I left the airport last night, I though that my heart was about to explode.  I'm sure that it was the same feeling on the other side of the immigration. 

Then we came back home and I put Helena to sleep and told her before that we both love her even though from different places. I promised myself that I would do it every day. I know his love for this little girl is bigger than the world. 

After that I had no more tears to cry and dropped dead tired... 

And then I woke up to a message from him from Malaysia. 

And then fell asleep again to wake up next to smiling and ready for the day Helena. 

We walked into the living room where her dad lived for last three months and I swear that she looked around and looked for him. 

My hear sunk.

Then it was time to go to work and get busy with a daily routine. 

It's been 24 hours since he left. The flat is empty... I know why it's empty, though. I know that's it because of me and my inability to compromise my wishes and desires, and dreams about a family. A real one. Hmmm... I miss him. I will miss him. Not the last few days when we barely spoke but I will miss what we had before that... Now, more days like this ahead of me. 

Goodbyes

The day has come when we are going to say good-bye to each other yet another time. We are both heartbroken.... We will miss Olivier a lot here. Yes, last two weeks haven't been my favourite but I understand why he withdrew from me so much. Possibly, I would do the same.

I'm feeling sad. It's going to take me yet another adjustment to life without him and his energy. It will surely take Helena some time to get used to it as well that there won't be her super dad around her any more. And super dad he is and his love for her is unquestionable. I will miss being around this love.

With Olivier going I'm losing a co-parent, a company... I'm losing a friend - thought it's been a difficult friendship.

I want to sit and curl in the corner of the room and cry. I don't even want to know what it'll be like to return to the empty flat tonight after we say goodbyes at the airport...

But that's what is happening. And no matter how much I would like it to be different that facts are like this: he is going and I'm staying. He doesn't love me and I still hope that some day somebody will. I will not stand another time him saying: "I don't love you". And since he is still in my heart, I need time and space to heal. Probably a lot of time.

I believe that he was full of good intentions. I believe that he meant well. It's just not good enough for me... Maybe I would find someone in the States.... but before I would go crazy from being unloved. I don't want Helena to have a sad and bitter mother. I'm already sad... but I don't want to be sadder. I need to work up now for my happiness and rebuild what's left from my self-confidence and joy of life. 

How I wish it was different...

How I wish for a happy end, for a sudden twist in the story... and we would walk into the sunset together with Helena, holding hands. But that's not happening.

Goodbyes are happening and I will have to live through them. Alone. Each of us will have to go through them alone.

A Good Girl

I read this article today about how some women will do everything and anything to please people around them, how in order to be liked they will sacrifice their voice and suppress their needs, how to avoid conflict they will swear that what matters to them is not really such a big deal. 

Sounds familiar?

Oh yes, indeed. 

Starting from my mother... She gave up her life, literally, to be loved by this one man. She put her life on the altar of self-sacrifice and before she was able to turn the tide it was too late and the unhappiness took swiped her away. She wanted to be liked and loved like anybody else in the world and she would compromise. She would compromise to win his approval, she would start believing that what she really wanted deep in her heart didn't matter: perhaps, that she wanted to much or that her expectations were unrealistic, silly... But they were not. They were hers!!! But she wanted to be a good girl. She wanted to be a great mother, a fantastic wife, a reliable friend. She looked after everybody but herself. And it proved to be deadly. Nobody then has to convince me that resigning from oneself is a terrible idea leading to a depressed, unhappy life. 

I think one life sacrificed this way is enough in my family. 

What about me? 

Well, I've also tried to be a good girl for a long time. I'm trying to deserve. It's slowly changing but it's difficult to alter those imprints I have in my brain and emotional memory. I know going to the States with Helena and Olivier is not a good idea for me. Not as a fake wife, not as a flatmate... I would like to be somebody's parenter, a wife possibly. Initially, I had said that the idea might not be bad... We spoke quite a lot about it... The idea of getting married on paper was strange to me from the very beginning but then I thought... oh well, maybe really, there is nothing to make fuss about - marriage is overrated anyway. And I tagged along in the discussion. Maybe living together and not being together wouldn't be bad - after all I would do it for Helena. Maybe thinking that doing all theses things because of love and with someone dear is just a fairytale and I'm big enough of a girl to know that life is not a fairy tale and I should compromise a bit. But deep, deep inside something was telling me that no matter what I would say and how much I would try to convince myself these things like family, partnership and love have a meaning to me. But I knew I would disappoint him. Oh, I already did when i decided to keep Helena and even before that... over a visa application... And how much I didn't want to disappoint him now again. How much I have wanted for all this time to please him and make him think good things about me.  So maybe I should just pack up without too much thinking, leave my job, leave whatever little I have here and go and make him happy. I would make him and Helena happy. Who cares about me! Who cares that I would be heartbroken and depressed. Nagh! Not a big deal - last year I was told I wouldn't have been the first and last person having an abortion, certainly I wouldn't be the first and last person going to the States and struggling there. And so I though and I though... Him on holiday with another woman in Vietnam... but I'm still thinking if I should trust him and  follow him to the Land of Plenty. It's not a big deal that my heart id already broken knowing that he is there (in Vietam) with somebody else. It's not a big deal that I know that he doesn't love me and he doesn't want to be with me. No! That is of no consequence. I'm still thinking and trying to please, I'm thinking how to make him happy. Maybe this way he will love me again (sic!)  I'm thinking, I'm thinking and I'm thinking more: should I stay or should I go? It's such a great opportunity and the family (sic! sic! sic! WTF!!!!) would stay together. Who cares about my life and my needs! Who cares! We will have two separate lives under the same roof: I will go on my dates, he will shag his women and then we will exchange some funny anecdotes overt the dinner. Sounds fun!

I know all these things but I'm still thinking.

Till one day, I can't think any more. I have a picture of my mom that I look at every day. It reminds me of her daily and reminds me how much I miss her. Actually, at different moments of life it reminds me of different things. She looked at me from this picture when I was agonizing over this decision of going to the States. She looked at me and, as usually, said nothing trusting that I have enough maturity and common sense to make a good decision. 

My mom was a wonderful person who wanted everybody to be happy. She forgot about herself. 

I also would like to make everybody happy, especially those people I love. I scared of conflict and preferably would like to avoid it. But mom has left the legacy. And her legacy is this: do not sacrifice anything for anyone, even if you love them - remember about what matters to you and stand up for it. Making everybody around happy can kill.

That I want to have a family is a big deal.

That I want to have partner who loves me is a big deal.

That I want to raise Helena in a house where people love each other and respect each others needs is a big deal.

That I am is a big deal.

That something or somebody hurts me is a big deal.

Things that I want and dream about are big deals. 

I am a big deal.

My mom was as well - she just never allowed herself to recognize this. She wanted to be a good girl.

 

Silent House

Ever since I broke the news that I'm not ready to drop everything and go to the States, my house turned out into a tomb.

No more laughs.

No more doing stuff together. 

No more talking even apart from a very formal: What would you like to eat. 

No more cooking together.

Nothing.

Nada. 

It's dead here and I don't think I can stand the dead much longer. He will say that he is going away soon but that's not the case. 

Would I like to go? 

Sure!

But with someone who loves me and who will stand by me when the goings are tough. Do I trust Olivier that much? No. And as much as I would like to, I don't trust that he will look after me when things are rough. Will he look after Helena. Of course! I have no doubts about that. He loves her to death and I know for a fact that he would never leave her in need. 

I've been second guessing myself... Oh, but maybe I am stuck in the past and maybe I should forgive him and just trust that everything will be ok and that because of Helena everything will be good. But I don't want it to be because of Helena! Helena can't be the reason I would to it...  Was it an easy decision? No! Of course not. I love the two of them but I also love myself and right now I'm too scared to trust someone who a year ago didn't want to know my name.

I know he cannot stay here. I know he has to work and make his dreams come true. And that's great. I wish I were a part of his dreams. Helena is, I'm not.

It's sad. Yes, it is. For now we will not share those moments raising Helena together. Oh, yes - that's my choice and now I will see how hard it is to be a single mom. I was given an option. I was given an option last year as well. Not a good one and thank god I listened to myself enough otherwise Helena wouldn't be here today.  Was this option about me? No! I was just a number: not the first and not the last one who would have an abortion. I begged and cried for help. Now I need some time to recover and build trust though I see that I won't be given a chance to build anything. Buy I had an option...

And am I scared? Yes.  I was also scared last year and somehow I managed through nine months of pregnancy. Perhaps I can manage now as well. And perhaps it's time to end being scared.

It's just a pity we will part in silence.